So there’s this guy, I dunno if you’ve heard of him, but he goes by the name of Asheron.
Word around town has it that he’s the badder than… I dunno, Death?
Death says, “What? I’d bitchslap him back to his momma!”
Erm…right. So he’s bad, almost but not quite to the degree of Death. Only…he’s hiding.
What is it with us and our ‘rulers’? When’s the last time you saw Queen Elyssa hanging with the homeboys? And now Asheron chooses to grace us with his presence – well, no, actually, he instead chooses to hide in his little tower with his goombah bodyguards. And they don’t even DO anything! Frankly, I’m beginning to suspect they’re not even real. I think Asheron just found a really good interior decorator, gave them a few diamond golem bits, and went to work. Have you ever seen them move? Then how do you know they’re not hooked there! Hey man, I saw Wizard of Oz, I know how this stuff works.
I think the thing that really annoys me is that Asheron’s all haughty and stuff, acting like we are intruding upon him! Hey man, sorry to interrupt your busy day of hiding like a little girl inside your tower and everything, but we came here basically to kick all the bug’s carapaces off of YOUR island. Don’t you worry about it or anything, Rapunzal – as soon as the big, bad bugs are gone, we’ll bring you a nice cup of soup and some crackers and read you a bedtime story.
Honestly, does anyone else feel like the Terminix guy or something?
It wouldn’t be so bad – like if we were out there, fighting like madmen, and Asheron would lean out of his window and cast a debuff on the bugs. Or hey, I understand, he’s scared! He could just cast a buff on us! We’ll tell the bugs that we had magical jewelry that did it or something, no one would be the wiser! Certainly not Asheron…
And then, Asheron is annoyed with you. Because you trespassed on his “Familial Estate.” WELL GEE, WE’RE ALL VERY SORRY WE DIDN’T LEAVE YOUR HOME TO GET OVER RUN BY OLTHOI! For that matter, I’m sorry we didn’t let you get bulldozed by Bael’zheron. Or Martine. Or Gaerlan, for that matter! Why, now that I think about it, I know exactly what “Asheron’s Call” is – it’s 911 for tired old lame mages!
And let me just point out: the entire time I sat there, my buttocks warming ol’ Asheron’s brow, his bodyguards just watched. Yeah. That’s how effective THEY were. One time when Gillian Anderson was making an appearance, I reached out to touch her arm, and her bodyguards maced me, broke my hand, kicked my teeth out and stood on my throat. For trying to touch her arm.
Death says, “What? You were totally trying to get a goose, you liar!”
You say, “QUIET, SLUT!”
And yet, here we see these super protectors, allowing their charge to be asshated. Asheron, not really sure which gumball machine you got them out of, but I’ve got two words for you: REE and FUND.
But back to this selfishness. Look, we don’t mind helping you, Ash ol’ buddy. But let’s get one thing straight: we are doing you a favor, mmkay? Don’t give us any rubbish if we’re digging through your house, buddy. At least you HAVE a house left! I mean, yeah, so your little hut’s got a bit more of a vicious spawn camp outside of it than most guild mansions. Wah. But dude, you’ve got a whole island to yourself! Don’t go getting all greedy about some mansion you don’t use anymore!
To make matters worse, there isn’t even a snack bar in the castle. I mean, come on dude – how many times have we saved your life now? That’s not worth some chips, or a tasty beverage or two?