Okay, the Bandies Just Downright Scare Me…

Posted May 26th, 2003 under AC1.

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’ve been out of the loop for a bit. But when exactly did they put in the patch that turned all the Banderling Guards into rejects from the Ziegfried and Roy show?

I mean, guys, really – purple leotards? Who made this decision? What, are we trying for the Vegas angle now in marketing? Why not just give them silicon implants and butt tucks and get it over with?

Look, I want my monster to terrify me because it looks like it’s going to kill me. I want it to be an intimidating foe, that conjures images of the flesh being torn from my bones if I should fall in combat against it. I don’t want to picture my monsters trying to give me a makeover.

That’s from a totally unrelated set of nightmares, mmkay?

I understand that the Banderling Army has recently instituted a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in their recruitment. I have no problem with that. The lifestyles that adult Banderlings choose is entirely up to them, and I’ll support it. But what really concerns me is the flamboyancey of these latest recruits. I mean, last night one of them attacked me, and his mace had sequins on it, for Gord’s sake! And he kept saying things to me like, “How do you know it’s no fun if you won’t even try it?”

And these are just the little Banderlings. Now I’m terrified of going out to the Dires, because those Bandies were a terror and I can’t take them on when they’re just trying to kill me, never mind when they’re trying to teach me how to dance the Macarena.

I’m afraid I’ll go out there, one of them will offer to take me ‘clubbing,’ and next thing you know I’ll wake up the following morning in some cave or something, wearing makeup, a feather boa, and some sort of lingerie thingy.

Death says, “What are you complaining about? That’s exactly how you woke up the day after your birthday!”
You say, “Right! So I know what I’m talking about, don’t I!”

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