Another day, more vitae.
So there we are, myself and my stalwart companion Ozar, hunting without our steadfast companion, Phillip Ian. However, Death was still around. Although he wasn’t around quite as much lately – I’ve been working on the whole vitae thing. Someone told me that if you have none, you stand a much better chance of learning new spells. I think they’re full of crap, but I’m willing to give it a try. So Death and I had to have a little talk.
You say, “Death, I need to talk to you for a minute.”
Death says, “No, I will not get you a bow.”
You say, “No, I’m serious. I…I…I think you and I have been spending too much time together.”
Death looks shocked.
Death says, “But…but…why?”
You say, “Well, it’s just that there are some new things I want to try, and I don’t think I can do them with you around.”
Death says, “Oh, so now I’m crowding you?”
You say, “Well, yeah. Cramping my style.”
Death says, “Cramping your…? Fine. No, no – that’s just fine. I didn’t like being around you that much anyway.”
You say, “Oh, now don’t be like that. Baby…”
Death says, “Don’t touch me. And I’m not your ‘baby,’ I’m Death. The Grim Reaper. Just a lonely, lonely person, trying to do a hard job…sniff.”
You groan.
You say, “Oh, now come on, don’t start the water works.”
Death blows his nose on his sleeve.
Death chokes out, “No, no, I’m fine. Let me be. If you need me, I’ll just be back in Uziz, waiting for you.”
You sigh.
Death is so fickle.
But today Oz and I are doing the hunting thing, with a plink plink there, and a plink plink here, there a fireball, here an arrow, everywhere vitae reduction….
And then we get a new visitor to our neck of the woods. Don’t see many of them. But in pops this fella, Cunning Linguist, hereafter referred to as Doofus, as a white dot at the lifestone.
Cunning Linguist says, “Fucking PKs.”
You say to your fellowship, “Oh, he’s a PK.”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “Definitely a Pker.”
We’re so smart.
You say to your fellowship, “Danger Will Rogers time?”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “Hmmm…well, he’s level 28. I can’t imagine he’d be interested in killing us more than once.”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “And since it was a PK death that brought him here, he probably is hell bent on getting back and getting his ‘revenge’.”
So off we go, doing our little hunt thing. Sure enough, Cunning does his little recall thing and pops off. But very soon afterwards, he’s back, red and just crosser than a wet cat in a laundry bag.
Right away he runs up and kills both of us. There’s a surprise. But afterwards, comes a bit of a shock:
Doofus says, “I’ll give you back your shit for a red taper.”
Eh? Did your eyes deceive you? Nay, gentle reader! I say this unto you: yeay, verily art there those who art such schmuckeths, that they believe this is a good negotiation method. I’m somewhat surprised though; this has got to be an all-time low of stupidity that I’ve encountered. I can just imagine Doofus’ love life:
“Hey, if you go out with me, I’ll take that six-inch spike out of your forehead.”
Ladies, get in line now!
But back to our story: Doofus has smote us both, and now says that he will give back our stuff if we give him a red taper. Hmmm…tensions are high, time for a bit of humor to defuse the situation:
You say, “Hey Doofus, I have a joke for you.”
Doofus says, “Okay.”
You say, “Knock knock.”
Doofus says, “Who’s there?”
You say, “Fuck.”
Doofus says, “Fuck who?”
You say, “FUCK YOU!!!!”
Kwip falls down on the floor laughing.
Ozar is in tears laughing.
You say, “Oh, man, I can’t believe you fell for that!”
Ozar says, “Now that was just a shame!”
Doofus says, “I knew that was coming! I did! Stop laughing at me!”
Hee hee hee. I crack myself up, I really do. But this seemed to make Doofus a bit more upset. So of course his only recourse was to kill us both again – and for those of you who missed it, we still haven’t given him a red taper. And here’s an even funnier note: I only cast level I’s. Yup, I cannot and have not learned any Lvl II’s yet. BUT – I have a red taper I picked up off of some creature. Would I give it to him? Hell, no. He would have to kill me until I had nothing left to drop. And then I’d log before he could kill me. Sure, that would be dishonorable. But more importantly, it would drive him insane! Heh heh heh – oh, the fun you can have in this world!!!
So now he has killed us a couple more times. Our hunting partner, Phillip Ian, shows up. And Doofus kills him. By now, Doofus is tired of waiting for us to turn red again, and has begun drawing monsters up to kill us while we’re still white. Nothing new there!
Death says, “HA!!! I KNEW you couldn’t be without me!”
It gets better – Doofus now gives us back our stuff. But he’s now threatening to give us max vitae if we don’t give him a red taper.
You say, “Ummm…sorry to burst your bubble, Pop’n’Fresh, but I was at max vitae the first time you killed me. Thanks for playing!”
But then something clicks in Doofus’ head – you can see the little trail of smoke coming out of his ears – and he gets an idea.
Doofus gives you 10 Greater Lightning Arrows.
You say, “Oh, wow, thanks!”
Doofus says, “Can I please have a red taper?”
TWANG!
You shock Doofus for 25pts of damage!
Heh heh. Of course he killed me afterwards, but that was such a classic moment.
Finally, Phillip, who was never on that good of a basis with Death in the first place, decides he’s had enough. He gives Doofus the tapers, Doofus gives him back our stuff, then leaves. But Phillip is not without friends in high places…a few moments after Doofus leaves, Phillip informs us that his monarch, Kile Thomsun, is chasing Doofus around Uziz.
Ozar and I are holding each other up, we’re laughing so hard at that. I mean, can’t you just picture it? Doofus pops into town, “Yeah, I showed them, got what I wanted, I’m the man.” Then he notices Kile leaning against a building, grinning evilly…
At this point, Blade Storm shows up. She’s quite a good trooper; very nice to talk to, never once killed me and asked for a taper. We manage to get our breath long enough to tell her what happened.
Blade Storm says, “Sorry I missed it. I wish I was here to help you guys.”
Death says, “Yeah, I wish you would’ve been here, too. Kwip’s bad enough, but now I’ve got to babysit THOSE two?”
Ozar elbows Death in the gut.
Ozar leaves, we make up some more jokes about Doofus, and then go about our business. A few minutes later, Doofus pops up! Apparently having suffered a decent beating at the hands of Kile, he fled back to his lifestone…but it was not a decent ENOUGH of a beating…
He runs at Blade. Blade stiff arms him. One shot. He’s dead.
You say, “Heh heh heh – loot his body and drop a couple of red tapers on it for me!”
At this point, we all collapse in a pile of laughter. Ah, summer fun! I proposed to Blade on the spot, but amazingly enough, not only can she drop idiots with one blow, but she actually has a permanent enchantment of Hunk-a-Hunk-a-Burning-Love-Kwip Resistance VI on her; because she doesn’t accept. Quite alright, of course – it just wouldn’t work out. Death is such a jealous bastard.
So all-in-all, the day wasn’t a _complete_ loss. I actually got my next level whilst examining my companions (it turns out that trying to snatch a glimpse of Ozar’s sexy legs under her armor is worth boo-koo experience), I gained a new found respect and love for Kile and Blade; I think they should get married and adopt me. We all had several good laughs at Doofus’ expense. And Death got a little vacation.
Death says, “Ha! If you can call 5 minutes a vacation!”
You sigh.
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