How To Be Annoying Without Even Trying…

Hi everybody! Yes, it’s that time again…
*drum roll*
Things that piss Kwip off!

Okay, there I am, once again – anybody guess? That’s right, Uziz. Another nite of joyous battle defending the town from the Little Rascals. I must say, I’m getting better. Out of the 23 lightning arrows I shot at Lost One, I hit him 4 times for 2 points, and once for a massive, crushing, destructive 15! Yeah, baby! Feel the burn!!!!

In celebration of this accomplishment, I created my own fellowship named “Lost Ones worst dream” I wanted to call it worst nightmare, but that wouldn’t fit. But the idea was still there. Or so I thought…

The raids are going back and forth for a bit. Bad guys hit the town, run off, everyone runs around looking for them, stir, repeat. I decide to try something a little different than my usual scouting duties or my perch on a building and pray to god I don’t get noticed whilst I plink away at the bad guys (I’d love to find a spot they couldn’t get to, a decent perch, but since their jump is like 6,000,000, and mine is like 10, I don’t think that’s going to happen). Anyways, I decide to be the clever little bugger that I am. I run off to Grevious Vault. Now, since I’m a massively powerful lvl 9 archer, the Vault won’t let me in (it tells me that I’m not powerful enough to use that portal, but you and I really know the truth – the monsters in there just can’t stand the thought of getting owned by a lvl 9 dynamo of barbed death). Where was I…oh, yes, off to the Vault. The fun thing to do, since I can’t use that portal, is to stand in the middle of it. Sneaky, sneaky, my red dot is covered on the radar. Now I’m laying in wait for bad guys.

Ambicitos Flaw (or something like that, can’t remember) comes up, we chat a bit, and he puts some uber buffs on my bow. HOOO-YAH. Now I’m PRAYING for Our Gang to show up. But, being the impatient little snot I am, I can’t stand sitting still. I decide to check out town.

I come into town, and cruise on over to the armory. Suddenly, a voice rings out:

“Kwip’s a PK!”

Hmmm….. “I am?” People are now staring. “Ummm…no I’m not.”
“Oh, sorry – someone else had your name and they were a PK.”

Oh. For those of you who don’t speak idiot, allow me to translate:

“I’m an alarmist idiot, desperately trying to be cool by drawing focus off of myself to a sexy, svelt, cool, frood archer-type fella. And I’m a terrible liar.”

No biggy, no harm done, I continue on my merry way. Nothing at the meeting hall. Nobody portaling in. Check of the listening post outside town. Empty.

Looks like another dull nite….back to town.

I step foot in town. Dum-de-dum-de-doo. Any bad guys here? Nope, just people taking up defensive positions. A few people greet me. My fame is spreading! I am loved!

“So-and-so casts Imperil III on you!”

Erk! When you are basking in feelings of love and acceptance, getting Imp III cast on you is the equivalant of running joyfully down a hill at nite and encountering an unexpected clothes line at neck level.

This wasn’t a PK attack. I could see the person attacking me, sitting on top of a tent. Well, he sees that I’m not attacking, merely looking at him. He also notices that no one else is leaping to attack me. He’ll get the message.

“So-and-so casts Fire Vuln III on you.”


“Ummm…sparky? Don’t you think you should save those spells for bad guys?”

No answer. I watch, somewhat amused, as he knocks a fire arrow, and launches it at my head. I continue to watch in amazement as it buries itself in my forehead.

“So-and-so kills you so hard the Lifestone flinches.”

So there I am, back at the lifestone, and who else is there? EB, Lost One, and Graveborn. Do I leap to attack? Do I immediately lend assistance to my fellow defenders, you ask?


See, I just got PK’d. Now I’m a white dot. I can do nothing except watch as the battle ebbs and flows before me. Finally, the parties split, everyone chasing after their favorite bad guy. I wander after Lost One, because, well, he and I go way back. Back to 5% vitae, that is.

I come over the hill, and there is the stalwart town defender. Mr. So-and-so (I’m not changing his name to protect his stupidity, mind you – I’m just that bad with names. It was Baeklezorn or something – one of those names that’s so damn difficult to remember, you can’t send them a private message after they do something so completely stupid drudges are embarressed to associate with them).

“Okay, just so we’re clear here, I am not a PK.”
“You should stay clear of town during a raid.”
“Ah – never mind that I was there to defend it.”
“Your fellowship name is confusing.”
That’s the “Lost Ones worst dream” thing, remember?
“Go get your body. I didn’t loot it.”
“How very gracious of you.”

No, I’m not a very good sport. If there’s one thing I hate (which is a lie, there’s millions of things I hate, ranging from eye boogers to the way my butt looks in Sho robes), it is stupidity. But stupid actions don’t necessarily make one stupid; no, even the best of us fall prey to Stupidity VI every once in a while. But to KNOW you did something stupid – to then attempt to justify it and refuse to apologize for it, seeking instead to blame the other person – screw that, to blame ME?

You’re an idiot. I hope the Tremendous Monogua comes through town, doing the new streaking thing monsters seem so keen on, and decides to use you as his anal reamer (just made that up, lovely graphical image, don’cha think?).

Unfortunately, I suck. If I didn’t suck, I would make it a routine habit to hunt you down and have violent intercourse with your skull.

Now, this is not a broad generalization towards Antis. Not at all. Many of them are still the coolest froods I ever sassed. Frost Gunner, Zang, Kalista (er…or something close), Wiked Twist, Ambicitos Flaw, and several others are most cool. I am not going to run out and join EB’s new monarchy, much to his dismay, I’m sure.

But some Antis could do with a bit of thinking. Okay – the town is under attack. Someone you don’t know is running into town. Imp them. Nothing. Other people in town greet them by name. Vuln them. Still nothing. AT THIS POINT: the logic circuit should kick in – “Gee, if this person was a PKer, then why aren’t they attacking anyone? In fact, now that I’ve cast two spells on them and equipped a bow, maybe I should wait a sec to see what they do!” And then, if your battle reflexes are just too high strung and you DO kill them with one hit because you’re a superstar and they suck:


That way, someone whose ass you can easily own but is vastly superior at verbal barbs doesn’t have to take time out of their busy schedule to tell the world what a dysfunctional brain-damaged drudge you are!!!!!!!!