Vitae the 13th

Unlucky day, huh? I guess so, as it found me hunting with Bats.

He said he was going to power-level me. Unfortunately, whatever wacky tongue he speaks (New Jersien?) doesn’t translate well into English, because I think the phrase he was looking for was “get me killed in a most horrific manner.”

You would think that power-leveling would be easy for someone like me. What with being famous and everything. Honestly, it’s almost embarrassing any time I set foot in public! The press of fans can be SOOO overwhelming!

Kiolic says, “OMG!”
You blush.
Haderach, “Dude, no way!”
You say, “Now now, autographs are free, just step up…”

Kiolic says, “Is that the real BATS?”
You says, “Yes, it’s…Bats?”
Bats says, “Hey, doods!”
Haderach says, “Oh, man – I can’t believe it’s really you!”

You look at Bats.
Bats smiles.
You tell Bats, “I really, really hate you.”
Bats giggles.

So I figured, what with this being an unlucky day and all, and me normally being unlucky to start off with – well, I thought that maybe there’d be some sort of cosmic re-alignment, you know? We all know that I suck on any given day. But maybe today, right – maybe today I’d be SUPAH!

Think about it: today’s the day everyone else gets to feel like I do EVERY DAY. So wouldn’t it be only fair for me to live this day as something close to normal?

I’m not asking for anything absurd here, people. Just – I dunno, make it so that everything I kill drops a SIK? That’s not asking much, right? Or maybe, how about this – today, everything I shoot dies in one-shot? Oh, come on – it’s not like I ask for this every day!

Death says, “Yes you do!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”

Of course we all know that any time I ask for something and get it, there’s bound to be trouble. Like if I ever found a genie in a bottle, I’d ask for a freezer that never ran out of Ben & Jerrys, and the genie would remove my taste buds. Or I’d ask for immortality, and the genie would trap me in a vat of lava. Or I’d ask for Sarah McLaughlin to give me a back rub and the genie would remove my genitalia. Such is my life.

So, you think I’d be a little suspicious.

Yes, instead of the exact opposite of my normal day happening, things were pretty much up to normal: I got my ass handed to me.

There should be someone I can complain to about this whole thing. I mean really, I did all the ‘opposite’ things I was supposed to do: I walked under ladders (and a bucket of paint fell on my head), a black cat crossed my path (and then proceeded to pee on my carpet – stupid cat), I broke a mirror (just by looking in it). Come on – I lived up to MY end of the arrangement! When’s Fate going to give me another chance?

Death says, “Hey – maybe to be REALLY contrary, your lucky day is going to be Saturday the FOURTEENTH!”
You say, “Oooooh…I hadn’t thought of that! That’s brilliant! Of COURSE!”
Death says, “t Olthoi Queen, He fell for it! Okay, next I’ll see if I can get him to invade your lair – you just get all your goons together, okay?”
You say, “What?”
Death says, “Er…nothing, I, uh, have a cold.”
You say. “Oh.”
Death says, “So, did you have anything in mind for tomorrow?”
You say, “Well, I was thinking about trying a dungeon…”
Death says, “How about the Olthoi Lair?”
You say, “That sounds like fun!”
Death says, “Hee…more than you will EVER know…”

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