Your Mission: Go Get Me A Drink!

Okay, what Insane Asylum did Funcom raid for these “Guides”? (No no, not the player ones, they’re fine, very helpful. I’m talking about the NPC guides that give you your first few missions.)

Look, I understand that when someone new arrives in your world, there’s only so many things that you can have them do. But if you have only three jobs you can think of for someone to do – and one of them is just doing the first one a few extra times – then either you’re the most unimaginative goombah in the world, you’re brain damaged, or else you’re just lazy. Or some combination thereof.

Really people, if the first thing you can think of to have me do is to go kill some little chipmunk-wannabes, and then the very next assignment is to go kill THREE MORE of the little buggers, you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t think very highly of your imagination. Honestly, would it be a huge stretch of your thinking capacity to have me, I dunno, go wash your car or something? Or geeze, if you’ve got a blood-thirsty chipmunk-killing bend, why not send me after a different type of chipmunk? There’s like fifty of the cursed little buggers running around in here.

And get this: they blare in HUGE, GIANT LETTERS about the threat that these chipmunks are. They carry disease and all this. And they have these big posters up trying to make the chipmunks look ferocious.

Chipmunks. Ferocious. Gimme a break already….

Death says, “Wait a sec, didn’t you get killed by them?”
You say, “Hey man, that was just bad timing – I, uh, was in a fight with a BIG MONSTER before that, and…”
Death says, “No, I remember, you tried to moon one to show how you didn’t think they were a threat…”
You say, “Shut up!”
Death says, “…and then it came up and bit you on the a…”
You say, “QUIET, SLUT!”

As I was saying; they keep telling us how dangerous these critters are. While they’re standing in the middle of about a billion of them.

I mean, hey, you want to wipe out this giant threat, then why don’t you get off your level bajillion butts and do something about it? And even if you don’t want to do anything about it, which clearly marks you as a worthless lazy bastich goombah, then you could at least find something interesting for me to do!

Oh, no, don’t criticise the Guides! They’re doing an important job of telling people to do absolutely worthless tasks! The worst part about this is that these goombahs are working for The Corporation. (Yes, that’s really the name – they pronounce the capital letters, honest.)

Rather ridiculous, really. If you were going to find a job for people in your company, wouldn’t you at least find something worthwhile for them to do? I mean, look at Benny in LA Law. They had all sorts of work for that guy to do. He could photocopy, shred papers – sometimes he mixed the two jobs up, sure, but on the whole, Benny was a productive member of society. Oh, sure, if he was your boss, maybe sometime you’d have to spend the whole day making photocopies – but he wouldn’t have you copying the same thing every time.

So why is it that these knuckleheads are still with the company? Obviously, we have to blame the union. A lot of you guys criticized me when I said I was a company man, but look – if I’m going to work someplace, and I’m forced to have lunatics like this guide above me, would you want a union rep around telling you that it was wrong – heck, maybe even illegal to shoot stupid people in the face? Of course you wouldn’t! Or at least you’d want to shoot the idiot AND the union rep.

Umm….little disclaimer here, people: before you contact your Union ‘lawyers’ named Guido and Nunzio to dispute the slanderous statements I made about your Union, please note that I’m talking about the Unions on Rubi-Ka, not any here on Earth.

So, uh, put down the .44 magnum ‘lawsuit’, please?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *