Going To The Chapel, And I’m… Getting Beat to Death…

So my job in this whole mess is to… erm… Actually, I’m not sure WHAT they were thinking inviting me along.

See, Wippitah and Serila were getting married. Don’t ask me why, but they thought it’d be a fun idea to have me there as the official Ticket Taker. That’s not exactly a role I’m familiar with in weddings, but hey, maybe it was one of those new-fangled traditions coming about. You know, like hanging giant bug heads on your walls… 

I got a little suspicious, though, when I showed up and they immediately splashed me in Banana Schnapps. I was just a tad bit put off. I mean, I’m used to weird wedding customs – forcing people to wear dresses in my own wedding kinda made it illegal for me to ever complain about wearing odd outfits at anyone else’s wedding, ya know? But this is booze we’re talking about! Perfectly good…well, no – who on earth would ever like Banana Schnapps?

So I oblige. Now, apparently I am filling a role of honor. From what they’re telling me, it is my job to stand on the outskirts of the chapel while they exchange their vows. They tell me that this role is very, very important. They tell me that this is a job they would only give to someone they trust and respect. They tell me that when they decided to get married, they knew this was a job for me. Role of honor? Important job? Oh, yeah, this is definitely me!

However, what they don’t tell me about are the three million monkeys tuskers surrounding the chapel that haven’t been feed in, I dunno ten years.

It wouldn’t have been so bad getting chased around by tuskers, but then one of them decides they’d really like some Bananas Foster, so they whip out their good ol’ Tusker wand and fire off a few fireballs at me – and since I’m already soaked in schnapps…FWOOOSH.

Yeah. It was the hit of the wedding, apparently.

So I make a lousy desert. And an even worse guest – everyone else had all these cool presents, but the best I could come up with were a few scrolls that were of such little value, I had to make up stuff to make them worth anything.

Presenting them with a Scroll of Lightning Protection, I informed them, “Love strikes suddenly and swiftly like a bolt of lightning; but now you have each other and are protected.”

For the Scroll of Summon Primary Portal, I told them, “Love will take you away and transport you to a wondrous place.”
For Revitalize Self, “Your Love should breath new life into you when you think of them.”
For Fire Vulnerability, “Your Love will be more susceptible to your scorn than anyone else; tread carefully.”
For Item Tinkering Expertise, “A happy marriage requires a little bit of tinkering every now and then.”
For Endurance Other, “Love endures all.”
For Fealty Self, “Above all else, to your Love be true.”

And finally, the last Scroll I gave to Serila and told her it was for her to use on her husband on those nights when she had a headache.

The scroll?

Spear Ineptitude Other, of course. 😉

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