Shelters Are a GOOD Thing, It Would Seem…

Remember when everyone was saying that AC2 wasn’t going to have NPCs?

There was a reason for that, as it turns out. It seems that while the rest of us hid deep underground in safe, armored and magicked bunkers, the race of people that were to become NPCs stayed above ground, where they were bombarded by dangerous radiation. It’s just like Omega Man. Except instead of being surrounded by homicidial zombie-esque maniacs, I’m surrounded by brain-damaged goombahs whose idea of fun is standing in a field telling anyone that’ll listen to go get their lost notebook. And instead of my being some brilliant scientist that’s survived due to an experimental vaccine, I’m the last practitioner of the forbidden art of ‘logic’. And brother, they are ALL out to get me.

Never mind this whole concept of doing a quest that serves a purpose; oh no, these irradiated maniacs have no time for that. Instead, I have to do such important things like kill drudges! Gee, THAT’s a new one!

Here’s the problem: drudges are invading! And we can’t have that…they’ve been known to stand around in the same place for hours at a time!

Honestly people, these guys aren’t a menace. They’re vagrants. What are they doing that’s so bad? Standing in the road? C’mon, lay off the drudges. It’s not like they’re macroing or anything! Oh, sure – it starts out innocently enough. Today we’re clearing the road of an ‘incursion.’ Tomorrow, maybe we’ll wipe out an annoying Drudge Warlord in his chamber. Next week? Let’s put the Tumeroks in work camps!

What kind of facist goombahs have we let run things above the surface? I mean, who was the genius that was the first one out of our safe caves who said, “Hey, see those guys over there trying to crack the trunk of the tree with their foreheads? I’ve got an idea! Let’s put THEM in charge!”

What were you thinking?

I’ll tell you what we need to do: first, wipe out anyone with that symbol above their head. You know what that symbol is? That’s right, a question mark. Know who else was fond of them?

This guy.

You want to sign on board with that dork? Go right ahead; me and the rest of the Super Friends will be sitting over here laughing at your dumb butt. Riddle me this, goombah: who’s stupid enough to listen to the brain-damaged guy who stands in the same place and gets mugged about fifty times a day? You know what that question mark really means? It means, “Help – I’m so stupid that breathing just seems like too great a challenge! Would you go risk your life to get back my sketchbook please? I drew some really rad pictures of a unicorn! Maybe I’ll show them to you if you get it!”