Hey, YOU Left the Door Unlocked!

I shouldn’t be left unattended.

I don’t know how many times I tell people this, but nobody listens to me.

“Don’t leave me alone!” I say. “Something’s going to explode!” I say. “I like to play with matches!” I say. But does anyone listen? Oh, no, they’re all like, “Ok, that’s funny – now would you please get out of our house?” and carrying on suchly.

Let’s face it: Turbine has let me down. There should be a LOT more ways to keep someone out of trouble. For argument’s sake, let’s just call that someone me. To further illustrate our point, by “out of trouble,” let’s just call that “alive.”

Look, the way I see it, it has got to be damn boring to be a monster in Dereth. Especially now that they closed the disco. I mean, how long can you stand around, waiting for someone to run up and stab you in the face, before you grow bored? Not very long, trust me – as a seasoned Darktide player, I have a feeling for exactly what that’s like.

So if I’m left to my own devices, you can bet that pretty soon I’ve attracted the attention of the local fauna. Hey, everyone else has LONG since out-leveled me, so it’s only fair I sit around talking with these guys. It’s not that I want to, mind you. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a cow? Wanna know how exciting that is? Never mind the rabid cows. Those guys at least have good taste in music (they’re big on the rave scene, in case you didn’t know).

But occasionally, a critter will show up with enough rudimentary sense that you can engage it in a little fun. Case in point, a lot of lugians nowadays are all over the place. Yes, they’re idiots, but they can be fun – it’s like baby-sitting a two-year-old. One that throws boulders and can walk through the side of the house.

Yeah, they’re strong as Yellow Rat Bastard’s breath, but they’ve also got the IQ of a shoe. Sure, you guys may be all high and mighty come the time of AC2, but let’s not fool ourselves – back in this day and age, you guys still think standing around a basket and throwing a boulder or two at passer-by is a ‘good time.’

Anyway, they can be a lot of fun to play games with. Case in point: A’ left me alone at the mansion. Unattended, even. So what else was there to do? Invite in the local lugian and play hide-and-seek! At first, he wanted to play a game he called, ‘hide the boulder,’ but since that mostly involved trying to hide a boulder inside my face by means of hurling at me at great speeds, I quickly grew tired of that game. Instead, I tried to explain to him the rules of hide-and-seek. It was pretty tough going at first, as he thought that if he had his eyes closed, that constituted an invisibility spell. But once I got things going, he picked up quick enough. Only he took WAY too much pleasure in tagging me as ‘it.’ Also, he couldn’t quite grasp that when he was hiding, his job wasn’t to tag me, but instead run away from me.

As a Cultural Diplomat (doesn’t that sound important?), I extended to another species the glove of friendship. In return, he knocked down three walls in the mansion, broke four chairs, ate three swords that were hanging on the wall (that’s a silly place for them, anyway!) and took a dump in the Horn of Vigilance. Oh, and killed me, but that’s hardly a crime anymore, is it?

When A’ came back, there was basically a pile of rubble, broken bits of furniture, and a few of my corpses lying around. He was a bit ticked, but I explained to him that Allied sources had learnt that Saddam might’ve been hiding in our mansion, so they smart-bombed it to death…

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