Talk About Ruling a Town With an Iron Fist… How About a DIAMOND Fist?

You give a monster a name, and the stupid thing rules a town.

And to make matters worse, the thing’s got a girly name – Susanne or something – not even a proper evil woman’s name, like Evillynne or Elvira or even Joan Rivers.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. On Frostfell, I belong to the Tormented Souls monarchy, which is a great group of people…if they’re not feeling like being totally evil…

A’ tells you, “Hey, whacha doing?”
You tell A’, “I’m killing the Olthoi Queen.”
A’ tells you, “Woah, really?”
You tell A’, “Of course not really! I’m getting the crap kicked out of me by these stupid gromnies, what’d ya expect me to be doing?”
Death says, “Well, he probably knew you were dying, but wasn’t sure what was killing you…”

Cynic. Like there can be any doubt lately. I swear, someone’s swaddled my girth in Gromnie Bait or something.

Death says, “Oh, thank you for that mental imagery!”

Sorry. It’s true, though – for some reason, lately everywhere I go there’s like a train of 80 billion gromnies hot on my trail. And they’re varied – sometimes I’m getting burnt, sometimes frozen, sometimes shocked and sometimes just poked – it’s a plethora of killing methods!

But NOW I’m getting attention from the big dogs! Not just A’, but Khushbu, Jodmala, Qysela and Aluver o’ Women II (I’m not making that up!) – all of them want to hang out with ME!

Not that I can blame them, mind you. Sometimes I’m so cool, I think that I’m responsible for this long hard winter and I want to punch myself in the head! THAT’s how cool I am! I know, I can’t believe someone hasn’t started an “Official Kwip Fanclub” and began ebaying autographed Hawaiian shirts or something. There’s probably one or two million dollars just in licensing rights alone, you know? Mmmmm, I love money…

Wait, where was I?

Oh, right – A’ & Co. inviting me to do something! As I tried to remember how to get to subway, my mind began to race furiously with possibilities – maybe there were going to take me to hunt the Queen? Man, that would be cool. Oh! Or maybe they were gonna take me on Gaerlan’s quest (or whatever that guy’s name is)! Oh oh oh – or maybe they were going to take me to that new island! I’ve never been there, ya know! Which island? I don’t care, pick one – I’ve never been to any of them!

So I make my way into Subway. And my oh my – isn’t THIS a change! Remember how crowded Subway used to be? And how there were like never any of the undead around because everyone going through there so often turned them into floormats? Well, now thanks to our markets, that place is alive! Er…well, no, not so much alive as maybe unalive. There were like five undead waiting for me as soon as I started down the stairs. And that’s about 3 more than I can handle.

Death says, “Three?”
You say, “Well, maybe four.”
Death says, “Four?”
You say, “Isn’t there someone else you could be bothering? Look, Anson’s probably trying to finish a quest. Go play with him.”
Death says, “Oooooh, good idear. BRB!”
Anson tells you, “Bastich!”
You giggle.

So that’s another trip. It takes me a while to find someone to buff me up enough to handle the undead, then it takes even longer to convince them to buff me up again after I get killed jumping and have to re-do that whole thing. Hey – it’s been a while, I forgot how much that jump hurt, okay?

But finally, after much mirth and mayhem (at my expense, of course), I make it to Mayoi. Know what I find waiting for me? A’, Khushbu, Aluver o’ Women II (the second? Was his father that insane? Where was his mother during the naming?), Jodmala, Qysela, and Suzerain. Oh, didn’t I mention Suzerain before? The level one billionth diamond golem? Huh… I must’ve forgot her…just like A’ forgot to mention her to me!

So I get into town, and I have about ten seconds to wonder why everyone is on a roof. Also, why everyone is giggling their butts off. I figure someone just told a funny joke, and isn’t it always like me to come in after the punchline? Silly me, I was the punchline!

A’ says, “Kwip, duck!”
Khushbu says, “Ho-ho-ho, Kwip, what’s fifteen feet tall, hard as a diamond, a golem, and bearing down on you at about a thousand miles an hour?”
Aluver o’ Women II says, “Hey – bring any chicks with you? ‘Cause I got one HECK of a diamond to give them! Haw!”
Jodmala says, “Knock knock!”
Oysela says, “Who’s there?”
Jodmala says, “A diamond golem!”
Oysela says, “A diamond golem who?”
Jodmala says, “A diamond golem who just ran over Kwip, that’s who!”

And then they all broke down in laughter. Friends. Ain’t they a blast?

Actually, though, I’m kind of jealous. This is an awesome prank to pull on someone. Hrmm…I wonder if Anson’s been to town yet…

You tell Anson, “Hey buddy! I’ve got a whole bunch of phat lewt someone gave me to give to you! Wanna meet someplace?”
Anson tells you, “Awesome! Yeah, where should we meet?”
You tell Anson, “Well, have you been to Mayoi lately?”
Anson tells you, “Nah, I haven’t been there in forever. But I know how to get there – that’s fine. See you soon!”

Mwuah-ha-ha! See SUZE soon, you mean!

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