The problem with having an undead pet is that every other undead in the area instantly assumes you’re their buddy. I can’t walk by a cemetary without getting a bazillion tells and group invites.
Which leaves me wondering – who the heck is letting all these goombahs out of their rightful graves? There are somewhere around 20 BILLION undead roaming around Albion. I hear that Hibernia is just as bad. And Midgard? Hey man, they don’t call that place “Corpsicle of the North” for nothing!
Now, call me crazy,
Death tells you, “You’re crazy!”
You tell Death, “Quiet, slut!”
Ahem.
As I was saying, I might be crazy here, but if my countryside were being plagued with more living dead than a George A. Romero set, I just might start thinking of precautions – you know, like LOCKING THE FRIGGIN’ CRYPT DOOR! Or hey, here’s an idea – CREMATION!
Honestly, people, do we have the most evil Funeral Directors in existance or what? These guys are burying bodies probably about two inches underground, and then pausing in their grave-filling-in duties to read favorite passages from the Necronomicon or something.
It’s one thing if undead are summoned. See, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. You need someone to charge into a crowd of goblins, or chase down a pesky kobold, or do something REALLY useful, like open a pickle jar. So wham, bam, Clatu Verata Nictu, there’s a handy lil’ helper. Then when you’re DONE with them, you release their little ol’ tormented soul, and AWAY THEY GO!
But is that how things work now? OOOoooooooooooh, no! Let me tell you – walking past the cemetary as a necromancer is like walking by a construction site as Kylie Minogue in a push-up bra and a thong. Everyone and their skeleton suddenly thinks you owe them a buff or two, and heaven forbid you have something IMPORTANT to do, because then you’re just a ‘hater,’ and wait till the neighbors hear about THIS! And don’t try and tell them that you only buffed your servant because he’s your PET, or you’ll have a dozen zombies suddenly clamoring to prove to you how useful they can be around the house – and until you’ve seen a zombie play fetch with his own entrails, you don’t know what losing your appetite really is…
So look – we’ve got vaults. We’ve got them ALL OVER the friggin’ place! Here’s an idear: tired of deceased uncle Joe constantly coming back to lay waste to your town? LOCK THE DAMN CRYPT DOOR NEXT TIME! That’s why there’s big giant boulders! Roll a few of those suckers in front of the door, and I promise you he won’t be tra-la-la’ing back into town every five minutes, and you won’t have to keep sending dumbass adventurers down into the crypt to retrieve your grandmother’s brooch! Yeeesh! PLUS, the big boulders will keep idiot spelunkers from disturbing the rest of the zombies – everyone wins!
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