I Take It All Back

Yeah, remember all that whining I did about the stresses of weddings? Where I talked about how, if you are planning on getting married, I suggested you give yourself a break and elope?

Screw that noise.

For those of you that have not figured this out yet from my past brilliant adventures, let me just clarify here: I’m an idiot. Why anyone would EVER listen to me is beyond me. But once again, God has seen fit to demonstrate how little I know.

This past Sunday was Kwipette’s bridal shower. Let me just explain the concept of a bridal shower for those bachelors out there (because, up until Sunday, I had no idea of these things either, and I feel the need to share my new-found knowledge).

Here’s how it works: you’re getting married. To the men, this usually means thinking about things you’d never consider (ie, floral arrangements, appropriate music and wearing underwear). To them women, this usually means the fulfillment of a life-long dream (taking control of a man to govern for the rest of his life). To celebrate this union, the bride’s girlfriends and female relatives throw her a party.

A party where they give her PRESENTS!

And that’s not all: not only are you expected to come with a present, but there is also present a “Wishing Well.” Into this wishing well, you’re expected to deposit at least one small kitchen utensil or other household item. So now we’ve got a billion chip clips – and personally, at the rate I open chip bags without finishing them, this is a lifesaver.

And the presents themselves – I’ve got this blender that’s so powerful I’m pretty certain could easily whip up a 1976 Ford Fairmont Station Wagon milkshake if I so choose. The thing has a digital readout and SUCTION CUPS. This thing will attach itself to your counter so firmly that nothing short of a nuclear blast will discharge it. I love it. And while we may have had a lot of pots and pans for Kwipette to slap me around with previously, now they are MATCHING pots and pans, for the fashionably aware husband beater. You don’t even want me to start about the towels, towel racks and mirrors. Let me just say that after this weekend, if you can find a bathroom that’s better color-coordinated than ours, you better be standing in Martha Stewart’s potty. Well, before they repo it, that is.

So, just to recap this: yes, the bride and groom will be getting married in a month. At that wedding, it will be expected that you bring a present. BUT – and this is the important part – if you’re a chick, you have to show up to this PRE-wedding party, and give ANOTHER present! So that means we’re getting like TWO presents from people – for ONE wedding!

I mean, imagine your birthday party. Now imagine if all your friends had to show up a month BEFORE your party and give you a present. And THEN they had to show up at the birthday party with ANOTHER present. Or, preferably, CASH.

Whoever thought of this wedding thing is a genius.

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