Ah-ha! I am a SCOUT! Taste Death! Gah, I meant YOU!

I don’t get it.

I mean, I FINALLY battled enough frogs to make it to level five. I have saved every snippet of frog legs that were dropped to afford a trip to Camelot. I get there, get accepted into my profession (Scouts, for those of you not paying attention), and NOW I’m finally well equipped! My guildmates felt sorry for me and sprung for a nice longbow – and it cons ORANGE to me, buckos, so you just KNOW this is one bad bow! Another gold and they’ve provided me with nifty armor – and it’s orange, too! Why, I’m a walking death machine!

So why the hell is it that I get killed by an ANT as soon as I leave Camelot? Sigh.

Well, never mind that. I’m through hunting monsters now! I’m level FIVE! I’m a full-fledged Scout! That means I can travel to the frontiers! Woot! Prepare for death, evil…erm…guys from other realms! What’re their names again? Right, Mids and Hibs. Gotcha! Prepare for death, Mids and Hibs!

Off I go, saddle sores and all, to Sauvage. Ah, there’s the transporter pad! And my guild mates! NOW we’re gonna wreck some shop!

Yates (you guys know him better as Yellow Rat Bastard) says, “Uh – Kwip, this may not be such a good idea.”
You scoff.
You say, “Dude, I totally OWN PvP in AC!”
Yates says, “Two things: first, this is a rp server, goof. Second, you SUCK at PvP in AC!”
You say, “Yeah, but…er..True, kind sir, but verily I say unto you that while I may sucketh at killing others in the lands of Dereth, nobody here knows that, so shuteth thy blathering piehole!”
You say, “Besides, here I can do THIS!”
You are now hidden.
Yates laughs.

Hrmph. YRB has no confidence in my keen skills, that’s obvious.

But now the mage transporter thingy guys have arrived! Now to speed off to distant realms!

You say, “Hey! Where the hell did everyone go?”
Yates sends, “Uh…did someone forget to get their medallion?”
You send, “Medallion?” to Yates.

I hate being left out of the loop on these things.

Fifteen minutes later, everything’s straightened out; I’ve got a medallion (FIVE silver! No wonder nobody’s got any money in this game!) and the next teleport’s on its way!

Now I’ve already missed the rest of my guild, but no worries – they tell me they’re just up the road. So off I go – but I’m SMART! I travel INVISIBLE! Nobody’s gonna surprise ME in these parts, by golly! I can’t wait to demonstrate all the skills I’ve learned from…

Skathdar waves to you.

Huh? I don’t see any…

Skathdar stabs you for 234 points of damage!
You die! (Well, yeah, no kidding. About four times over in that one shot.)

Hrmph. Lucky shot. A few minutes and several whining sessions later, and my guildmates have sent back a rescue crew. This would later get to be a habit.

Mekali waves to you.

Who’s waving to me?…

Mexliplex waves to you.

That’s an odd name. Where is this guy, I don’t…

Klump waves to you.

Gah! Run run run…

Apparently, having a level three stealth skill does NOT make you invisible. When I finally make it to the rest of the group, I discover that while having a level three stealth skill is pretty bad, having a level one bow skill is worse. Were it not for gravity, my shots would not be hitting the ground.

However, my guild’s a pretty resourceful group. They put me to work scouting out areas. When I got killed, they’d know someone was out there. I felt important! I was doing something helpful! I was helping our guild!

Then I found out Yates had a stopwatch running and was taking bets on how long I could go before getting killed. It seems that 45 seconds is my record.

Sigh. Back to the frogs.

0 thoughts on “Ah-ha! I am a SCOUT! Taste Death! Gah, I meant YOU!

  1. Frog Guy

    This is my first comment over here. I like this blog a lot. You just got one more loyal reader!

  2. I remember reading this when it was published way back when. I love your writing, would love a chance to to play with you when Warhammer comes out!

    Take care Kwip, Mrs. Kwip, and Yates and give Death a good slap for me (that slut)!

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