Man, I’ve been slacking this month. Hell yeah, I’m aware of it. Hell no, I don’t care. Heh.

It’s this whole new world of actually being able to do stuff that’s throwing me for a loop, you understand. Where it used to be my adventures consisted solely of dying a lot in really, really interesting ways, now I’ve found that I can actually kill some big stuff like Iron Golems and get phat xp off of them. Not to mention the more xp I get, the more I can boost my magic skills, and that means new spells to research. Okay, who am I kidding – research for me consists of firing up Splitpea and trying to figure out how that damn program works. For the life of me, I think it’s telling me that the components for “Summon Portal” are as follows: Silver Scarab, Grey Taper, Hyssop, Fuzzy Pink Taper, Ground Hamburger, Zima, Spam Talisman. Needless to say, I still can’t get that damn spell. Sigh.

So everyone keeps writing to me asking my thoughts on Bael’zharon or whatever the hell his name is. *shrug* I guess I basically think of him as any other soul-sucking, evil, mean, corrupting, heartless, unintelligent, alien life form: if he gets elected to the White House, things are apt to be decidedly un-fun for us. Maybe I should go interview him for an article…that might be fun. Heh.

So what’s this deal with the alchemy and fletching? I think I need to hire a mule to make me uber arrows. As it is now, I’ve been tying chicken feathers to sticks with pointy ends. People keep telling me that this will never ever work, but what the hell do they know? They also said that you couldn’t seduce a Panumbris shadow! Ha! And we all know who’s boss of THAT little arena, eh?

So I’ve been spending a lot of time researching spells. And being the complete absent-minded foolio I pride myself on being, I routinely leave myself staring off into space while flipping through the volumonous information in SplitPea. I was the sort of kid in high school that made a big production of yawning during tests, then dropping my pencil, then using that opportunity to bend down to pick it up and also open my textbook to try and look up the answer. I always got caught. Usually because I kept asking the teacher what page the information was on…

Buffing sucks. It’s a great deal of fun DE-buffing, but it takes me about 3 years to just buff up with my wimpy lvl III’s. By the time I finally get to my last buff, my first buff has worn off, so I start the whole process all over again. To one of the monsters, this just HAS to be obvious…
Kwip says, “Okay, there he is. Big dumb golem. Let me buff.”
Kwip says, “Malar Eoli”
Kwip says, “Malar Hafeth”
Kwip says, “Crossbow mastery? What the hell good is that?”
Kwip says, “Malar Caril”
Kwip says, “Puish Zharil”
Kwip says, “Malar Casith”
Kwip giggles.
Kwip says, “This is gonna ROCK! Hee hee hee.”
Kwip says, “Malar Luja”
Kwip says, “Weapon Expertise? Hrmm…Yeah, that must make me an expert with my weapon. Yeah, cool!”
Kwip says, “Malar Hafeth”
Kwip says, “Oh, dang blast it. Stupid devilmouse thing.”
Kwip says, “Puish Zharil”
Kwip says, “Malar Hatik”
Kwip says, “Malar Cavik”
Granite Golem says to your fellowship, “Ugh ugh Kwip ugh ugh behind rock.”
Iron Golem says to your fellowship, “Ugh ugh me smash.”
Kwip says, “What’s that noise?”
Kwip shrieks like a girl.
Iron Golem smites Kwip so hard the lifestone flinches!

And so on and so on. But somebody tell me this: what the hell good is a granite heart? I’ve tried mixing it with stuff, painting it, putting little bells on it, eating it, jumping up and down on it, smacking Warchild upside his head with it…nothing seems to work! Although maybe I should try smacking Warchild with it a few more times…

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