Weeeee! I’m a Monarch!


I’m a Monarch!

Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either, but it seems there are people that actually wanted to swear to me. I think it was some sort of pity contest; they felt that since it was obvious I couldn’t pull my own way out of the vitae-no-leveling quaqmire I’ve been stuck in, they would help. Hey, it’s free xp for me, so I don’t care.

First, Isaac offers to pledge for me. Now, those of you who don’t know Isaac, I’ve got a feeling you will sometime soon. I don’t know who’s the better power-leveler between him and PMS Rage, but it’s damn close. Anyway, he’s like the Enegizer bunny of vassals. That guy has given me like 100K xp, and my leadership is like 9. Get the picture? He’s just plain kooky. But I get ahead of myself…

So we decide to meet. I’m waiting for Isaac in Lytlethorpe, goofing off with another new vassal of mine, Wez da Fez. We have a small throwing cup competition that goes something like this:

His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
Wez da Fez bashes you for 43 points of bludgeoning damage!
You say, “Oooooooooowwwwwwwww!!!!!!”
Kwip falls down, clutching his bleeding nose.
You say, “Bleedy nose! Bleedy nose!”
Wez da Fez giggles.
Wez da Fez says, “Wow, that was cool. Wait, I think I’ve got a plate in my pack, too…”
You cry, “Nnnooooooo!”

So then we spend some time trying to figure out how to jump from the Advocate tower into a nearby tree. About then, a couple of blips show up. Of course, I can’t remember their names.

Nameless guy says, “Peace.”
You take 8 points of impact damage!
You say, “Damn, Wez, you moved that tree! I almost had it that time!”
Wez da Fez says, “What are you talking about, crack baby? You were like off by a mile!”
Nameless guy says, “hey – peace?”
You say, “What? Yeah, whatever; we’re doing something important here, don’t bug us.”
Wez da Fez says, “Oh, I’ve got an idea. Try jumping backwards, that might do it.”
Nameless guy wanders around.
You say, “Backwards? Oh, now you are on drugs. Nobody can jump into a tree backwards!”
Wez da Fez says, “Jackie Chan could do it!”
You say, “Jackie Chan doesn’t count.”
Nameless guy begins buffing.
Wez da Fez says, “Why not?”
You say, “Cause Jackie Chan’s not a mortal, stupid.”
Wez da Fez tells you, “Hey, that guys buffing. Think he’ll attack?”
You tell Wez da Fez, “Probably.”
Wez da Fez tells you, “So what do we do, oh Monarch of mine?”
You tell Wez da Fez, “What’s this ‘we’ shit, peon? I expect you to throw your life down in defense of your Lord and Master!”
Wez da Fez giggles.
Wez da Fez says, “Jackie Chan is too mortal, jackass. Just a very, very talented mortal.”
You say, “Listen, Da Vinci was ‘talented’; Jackie Chan’s bionic!”
Wez da Fez tells you, “That guys’ coming up the tower to attack.”
You tell Wez da Fez, “Ok – you engage him and I’ll pick him off!”
Wez da Fez tells you, “Yeah, I see THAT happening!”

And then we were in the midst of combat! Fighting for our lives, weapons flying, battle cries ringing out through the morning air…

You say, “Ouch! You hit me, stupid!”
Wez da Fez says, “Hey, at least I hit someone. You keep shooting arrows over the side of the damn tower!”
You say, “I’m laying down cover fire!”

Being no dummy, I leapt off the tower. I’ll be sodded if I’m waiting for that melee prick to finish off the little Fez gimp and turn his sights on me…

Of course, Fez immediately dies, sacrificing himself for his Monarch. As it should be. Heh.

Dingleberry then decides to jump off the tower to get me. Of course, being the favorite of Microsoft that I am, he starts doing this great lag-bounce that gives me like three shots at him. Hee hee.

So I’ve got him hurt pretty well, and he decides discretion is the better part of getting owned by Kwip, so he runs off to heal. Not far enough, mind you, and I miraculously manage to hit him off of radar! I’m so cool…

But now he’s back up to full health and comes charging in. My stamina is low, my buffs wear off, and above all else, I suck. So I’m eyeing up the lifestone nearby.

Ta-da! Isaac has arrived to save the day! A sparkle of a hollow weapon (or something w/ kooky effects, I’m not sure what it was), and Isaac has Dingleberry running for his life. Round and round the tower they run, as I casually make my way back to the top. Finally, at the climactic moment, Dingleberry decides to make his stand against Isaac: he turns, brings his weapons to bear, and…
I shoot him in the back! I R00LZ! Hee hee hee…TMO!

Now I’ve got a new charge: Isaac. We sit around giggling and tee-heeing, and Darwin Galenste shows up to give me fun presents! My luck is changing, I tell you.

Of course, at that point, while playing with some of the thrown weapons, I get one-shotted by a cup. Sigh.

Anyway, now we get down to some serious mischief. Darwin’s got all sorts of fun stuff (which he shows off by one-shotting Isaac, much to Isaac’s dismay, hee hee). But Isaac returns to us, and we sit around figuring out what mayhem to wreck (no, not WRACK, she’s a different rant). Unfortunately, Isaac, having the short attention span that he does, is constantly distracted by having to run off and kill anyone that gets near us. Which is pretty damn funny, I have to tell you. We’re sitting there, talking amongst ourselves…

Isaac says, “if you kill me with one of those”
Darwin Galenste says, “Vig gave me those”
Darwin Galenste says, “80frost shookies”
Isaac says, “Im gonna cry”
Isaac says, “in rl”
Darwin Galenste says, “he gave em to me in Holt :)”

And suddenly a newb spawns in front of us. No sooner did he appear than Isaac is after him. But Darwin has other plans:

Darwin Galenste says, “NooooOooOOOo!”
Darwin Galenste says, “dont!”
Darwin Galenste says, “i gotta train”
Darwin Galenste says, “Pax”
Darwin Galenste says, “gimme quarrels”
Darwin Galenste says, “if you wanna live ;)”
You say, “ROFLOL”
Darwin Galenste says, “and a red taper”
Paxola says, “im new relax on me for a while”
You say, “LOLOLOL”
Darwin Galenste says, “hehehe jk quarrels will be fine :)”
Darwin Galenste says, “well well now i dont have all day!”
You say, “Oh, god, that’s too funny”
Darwin Galenste says, “surely you have 20 quarrels hmm?”
You say, “Tell him to get bent, Pax!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “tut tut”
Darwin Galenste says, “dont listen to him!”
You say, “Kick his ass, Pax!”
Darwin Galenste says, “hes a fool!”
You say, “You can take him, Pax!”
Darwin Galenste says, “you dont wanna be a Pax-on-a-stick now him?”
Darwin Galenste says, “hmm?”
You say, “He’s a big girly!!!!”
You say, “Kick him in the nads!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “gimme quarrels and everyone will be just fine”
Darwin Galenste says, “teehee”
Darwin Galenste says, “well well”
Darwin Galenste says, “youve got 10 seconds mister!”
You say, “No way, Pax, he’s EVIL”
Darwin Galenste says, “9”
You say, “Nibble his bum!”
Darwin Galenste says, “ah screw this”
Blistered by Darwin Galenste’s lightning, Paxola dies!
Darwin Galenste says, “hes not cooperative”
Kwip falls down laughing…
You suffer 15 points of heavy impact damage
Darwin Galenste says, “OMG!!! ”
Darwin Galenste says, “i wanted one of those for such a long time!”
Darwin Galenste says, “Training hall key!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “to go with my Calling stone”
Darwin Galenste says, “i still have it :::)”

At this point, I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying and can’t see. I decide to lay down until I recover my composure.

You suffer 11 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Isaac! Stop jumping on my head!”
You suffer 9 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Hey! Is that any way to treat a patron!”
You suffer 12 points of massive impact damage
Isaac says, “Im sorry master, did I distrub your rest?”
You say, “Ha, you missed! Er….”
You suffer 13 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Nyah, nyah, missed me”
You suffer 12 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Okay, that time you got lucky.”
Darwin Galenste says, “i cant BELIEVE this”
Darwin Galenste says, “they have arrows, but no quarrels!”
Isaac says, “damn”
You say, “sounds like a plot”
Darwin Galenste says, “thats just crossbowman discrimination!”

Well, there our fun had to end. It was late, Kwipette was calling, and I had enough vitae from our adventures to last a few weeks. So our heroes struck a pose for the adoring cameras and bid each other a fond farewell.

Isaac says, “Hey Darwin, bet I can one-shot Kwip before you can!”
You weep.

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