I’m a-wandering!
Yup, I think I’ve finally become such a badass that I can actually go out into the land of Dereth and survive. My favorite way of doing this is to just hop in a portal that someone has conjured. Granted, a time or two I’ve instantly fallen to my death, but what the hey, great fun, eh?
So I find myself at the Lugian Citidal. I’ve never been there, sounds like a fun place. I decide to peek my head in the portal just to see what it’s like.
THHHHH-WHAP!!!!!
Gigas Lugian smashes you for 65 points of damage!
You say, “Mommy!”
Now for those of you who have a hard time picturing this, imagine some scene from your favorite slapstick comedy as the burglar attempts to gain entry to the house via the little doggie-hatch in the back door, only to encounter the flying baseball bat being weilded by the 8 foot steroid pumping brain-damaged child. Yeah, it was THAT fun.
Death says, “Hey! Good to see you again!”
You cry.
Death says, “Awwww, what’s the matter?”
You sniff.
You say, “All those big meanies keep beating me up. *sniff*”
Death says, “My poor little Kwip. Can I do anything to cheer you up?”
You say, “Can I see your scythe?”
Death says, “Yeah, right. Think I was born yesterday?”
You say, “*sniff*…no, I just want to look at it. I’m bored.”
Death says, “Alright, but you better not try and steal it.”
You say, “*sniff sniff* I won’t.”
Death gives you Death’s Scythe.
You say, “Shirov Thiloi!”
Death says, “You little bastard!”
You giggle.
You say, “What a sucker…”
You say, “Alrighty Mr. Gigas, let’s try this one more time. Eat hot death, suckwad!”
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian giggles.
Death tells you, “Well, I suppose I should mention that the scythe won’t work for everyone, you know…”
You say, “Son of a…”
Gigas Lugian smites you so hard your drivers license has a black eye!
Death says, “Howdy!!!”
Death glares ominously at you.
You say, “Err..heh heh. What a kidder I am! See, I wasn’t gonna REALLY steal it! I was just playing!”
So then Death had to smack me around for a while. After that, he made me write on the chalkboard, “I WILL NOT STEAL AN INCARNATION’S WEAPON” a thousand times. What a bummer. But after a bit of hunting, I worked down that ol’ vitae again, and got my portal recall actually functioning. So I decided I’d cruise on back to that fun little place, the Lugian Citidal. No sooner do I get there, than I hear from Warchild that he and Vig are planning on playing political assassination with some of the Newb’s. I just CAN’T miss that, so now I have to figure out how I’m gonna meet up with them.
Turns out I’m in luck. Now keeping in mind that I have NO IDEA where the hell I’m at, I turn to the people around me. One kind person quickly offers up his help.
Now, everyone say it with me: “KWIP SUCKS AT REMEMBERING NAMES!”
Death says, “Why the hell don’t you ever write these things down?”
You say, “Shut up and get me a new bow, slut!”
So of course I have NO IDEA what his name is, but I _believe_ it was Mossad. Or Massad. We’ll call him Mossad, though.
So Mossad has offered to escort me into the nearest town. Yippee! A run through some minor wilderness, and I’ll be with my friends to cause mirth and mayhem! Off we go…
You say, “Wow, this is so nice of you, thanks a lot Mossad.”
Mossad says, “Ah, don’t sweat it, glad to help. Are you…”
You say, “WHAT THE HELL’S THAT?!?!?”
Mossad says, “Uh-oh, Shadows. Quick, circle around them.”
You say, “AAAAH!!! THEY’RE FOLLOWING ME!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, just keep running”
You say, “HELP HELP HELP HELP! WHAT THE HELL’S THAT?!?!?”
Mossad says, “Don’t worry, that’s just a gromnie…”
You say, “DAMN, IT’S FOLLOWING ME TOO! AAAAHHH!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, get off my back, I can’t carry you!”
You say, “LOOK OUT, THEY’RE GETTING CLOSER! RUN FASTER!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, let go of my head, I can’t see!”
You say, “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, get off my shoulders, I can’t see where I’m going!”
You say, “LOOK OUT, YOU’RE HEADING TOWARDS MORE SHADOWS!!!”
Mossad says, “I can’t see, dammit! Get off me!”
You say, “NO, CARRY ME! I’M SCARED! WHAT’S THAT?!?!”
Mossad says, “I DON’T KNOW, I CAN’T SEE, DAMMIT! LET GO OF ME!”
You say, “AHHHHH! IT’S A BROWN RABBIT! RUN!!!!”
Mossad says, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know…wait…”
Mossad stops.
Mossad says, “Did you say a ‘brown’ rabbit?”
You say, “AHHHH! YES, RUN, IT’S LOOKING AT ME MAKING THAT MUNCHING NOISE!”
Mossad throws you down for 10 points of Scooby damage.
Mossad says, “Dude, relax! It’s just a bunny! See?”
You say, “NOOOO, DON’T LEAVE ME WITH THE FUZZY BUNNY!!!!”
Mossad slaps you for 10 points of damage.
You say, “Ow! Alright then, no reason to get physical…”
Mossad says, “You feeling better?”
You say, “Yes, yes, much better. Sorry, don’t know what came over me.”
Mossad says, “No problem. But we’ve still got a ways to go. You ready?”
You say, “Yeah, no problem. Lead on.”
Mossad says, “Okay, we have to go over this ridge here.”
You say, “Hey a portal…what the…hey, that’s the Luggie Citidal! What kind of tour guide are you! We just left that place!”
Mossad says, “Actually, no, that’s not the same dungeon we left.”
You say, “Oh. I see.”
Mossad says, “And I also feel it’s relevant to point out to that the person chasing you right now is, in fact, a PK.”
You say, “Oh.”
You say, “Hey, did you just say that this guys a…URK!!!”
Another-person-whos-name-you-will-forget smites you mightily!
You say, “Dang.”
So there you have it. I never did get to go cause mischief with War and Vig, either, much to my dismay. And so much for my fame making me a beloved figure – I find myself running around nowadays screaming, “I’m famous, dammit! Love me!”
“Well, gawsh, Mr. Kwip sir – I just wanna kill you so you write about me! Hyuck hyuck hyuck!”
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