No, really – I DO suck.
Some people just don’t get it, I suppose. They log on to my site, read all my little stories, find them amusing, and then when they see me in Dereth, they want to give me some praise (which I love, btw – god bless my little ego). But it invariably goes like this:
Tanker says, “Hey Kwip – great site; funny stories!”
You say, “Thanks! :)”
Tanker says, “WTF? You’re only lvl 13? For real?”
You say, “Nah, actually I’m lvl 54 – I’m just DAMN good at deception.”
You grin.
Of course, there’s always some dipshit around who doesn’t get it.
Dipshit says, “bs man, that’s not true. you suck. deception dosn’t do that”
You sigh.
Honestly folks: I really do suck. The one highlight in my whole pathetic existence is killing Velox Manus in a duel – and that was damn close! And he was about 8 levels below me at the time! If I hadn’t critted on him, he’d be wearing one of my ears as a necklace right about now.
Of course, I did crit on him. Heh. So Velox – I 0\/\/|\| J00, D00D! Heh heh heh. What a rush…
But back to my point: folks, I don’t make this up. I really, really suck. I have no PvP skills, let alone PvM skills. Okay, perhaps I can turn a witty phrase. But most monsters are not impressed by this:
You say, “Hey, Mr. Ash Gromnie. Want to read a funny story?”
Ash Gromnie jolts you for 54 points of damage!
Blistered by lightning, Kwip dies a miserable death!
Ash Gromnie jumps up and down on your corpse!
Ash Gromnie goes through your wallet, and makes fun of all the pictures he finds there, drawing mustaches on each and every one!
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to suck. (Granted, I don’t want to work for a living, either – so if there’s any Hollywood mogul out there searching for the next great script, let’s do power lunches, DOOD!!!!) But anyway – I really do try not to suck. I even have people help me:
Sling Blade casts Armor Other IV on you.
Sling Blade casts Quickness Other IV on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts Coordination IV on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts Don’t Get Killed, Dummy VI on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts every buff known to man on your bow.
Mnenoch Blood even makes up a few buffs for your bow (Dazed and Confused VI – makes monsters become confused when attacked by me – ‘Did that little shit Kwip really just hit me for 68 points of damage? I don’t believe it.’)
About fifteen seconds later:
Nibbling your bum, brown rabbit sends you to the lifestone mightily!
Mnenoch Blood shakes his head.
Sling Blade shakes his head.
Death giggles.
Now I have had offers to go powerlevel. I’ve even tried to take a few people up on them.
Jehozaphat casts Armor VI on you.
Jehozaphat casts Piercing Protection VI on you.
Jehozaphat says, “Okay, I’ve vulned that Olthoi. He’ll be up here any second – when he gets here, get him.”
Jehozaphat says, “You’re buffed; he won’t hurt you too bad.”
You say, “Okay! Great!”
Olthoi Worker impales you dead without a second glance!
Jehozaphat tells you, “…”
Jehozaphat tells you, “One hit? With uber buffs? Hrm. You really do suck. Don’t bother me again.”
You sigh.
Now when I grow up, I want to be very good. I dream of actually standing against a raid in a town as a defender and making a difference. I LONG to actually be considered a threat. I fantasize about someday being on the roof of a building, raining death upon the raiders, and having one of them say something like:
“Oh, no! It’s Kwip! Quick, you two go up there and kill him before he ruins our entire attack! No, wait – you better take a couple more men with you, he’s deadly!”
Even if I’m slaughtered quickly after that, I don’t care – just for that brief time of making a difference and actually being a threat. When I’m on a rooftop nowadays, it goes more like this:
“Okay, you guys go get that high level over there. Watch out for that mage; he’s vuln’ing folks. Team 2, you get the mid-levels. Finally, Joe Newbie – since you’re only lvl 1, there’s not much you can do here. But you see that gimp on the roof over there? That’s Kwip. You can go kill him.”
“Kwip? Aw, man – can’t I do something challanging? Aren’t there rabbits or something that need killing? Can’t I just walk behind you and loot your kills? That’ll at least take some time…”
So just to clarify: yes, I suck. I really am that low level. I don’t make up these stories about my sucking; they really happen to me. On a regular basis.
Death says, “Hey Kwip – the Drudge’s have just returned the results from their ‘All-Time Suckwads of Dereth’ contest. You won!”
You sigh.
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