Patch Day Wub!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy patch day is tomorrow patch day is tomorrow whoopeee!!!!

So I’m a bit excited, needless to say. And you know how us kids are so hard to control when we get all excited…

Death tells you, “No, no, no – get away from that Great Mattekar! I’ve got other people to attend to! There’s a raid going on in Shoushi that’s got me backed up for days! Let me alone so I can deal with it!”
You tell Death, “Screw that noise, bone boy! I’m completely 0\/\/|\|I|\|G this Matty N3\/\/B!!!! Yee-ha!”
Great Mattekar gores you for 45 points!
You say, “Owwwww! Dammit, I’ll show you!”
You say, “Ha-ha! Eat burning death, courtesy of Death Ray VI, bastard!”
You say, “Equin Cavik”
You cast Cooking Ineptitude I on Great Mattekar.
Great Mattekar looks surprised.
You say, “errr…whoops…”
Great Mattekar says, “Well, I didn’t expect that.”
You say, “Ah-ha! Nobody expects the Spanish…URK!!!!”
Great Mattekar smites you so hard….sorry, this account has been smote so many times it has exceeded it’s clever saying allotment.
You say, “Hrmm…..Cooking Ineptitude I? Where the hell did I pick that up?”
Warchild tells you, “So Kwip (Equin Cavik), I was wondering (Equin Cavik), if you weren’t busy right now (Equin Cavik), do you wanna come to Uziz(Equin Cavik)?”
You tell Warchild, “Bastard!”

So it has come my attention that people from Microsoft have actually come to my little ol’ site. Yippeee! You know what that means, right? Yes! Because I must now be beloved at Microsoft, there can be no doubt that I probably have super-buffs on me, without me even knowing it! Why, if they love me (and who can’t), they probably made all my gear into the mostest phatest lewt possible! Why, it may look to YOU like I’m just a normal suckwad, but ha-ha!, I’ve been uber-buffed by Microsoft!

Death says, “So…who wants to tell him that Microsoft has nothing to do with the game content?”
You say, “Quiet you, it’s time for the new Super Kwip to make his presence known on Dereth!”
Death says, “Errmm…that may not be exactly a good idea.”
You say, “Hush. Hey! Hey you! Mr. Pk!”
Wicked Killah says, “Yes?”
You say, “Ha-ha, scared, aren’t you? Never thought you’d have to face…”
Kwip waits for background music to swell…
You say, “SUPER Kwip!!!!”
Wicked Killah says, “Didn’t I see you getting killed by a brown rabbit outside of Uziz yesterday?”
You say, “Shush! Mere mortal, grovel at my feet and perhaps I will let you live!”
Wicked Killah says, “I’m sorry, what?”
You say, “I’m wai-ting.”
Wicked Killah ponders this.
Wicked Killah says, “Is this some sort of setup?”
Wicked Killah looks around.
You say, “Ah-ha, scared, aren’t you? Yes, this is no mere mortal you face now! Bow down to my might!”
Wicked Killah says, “Alright, setup or not, you must die.”
You say, “Ha, that’s what you th…”
Wicked Killah cleaves you in twain!
Death says, “See? I told you so.”
You say, “Hrmmm…I must not have had the right weapon equipped.”
Death says, “No, seriously…could you just like practice spells or something so I could attend someone else for a change?”
You say, “Ah-ha! THIS was the bow I meant to have equipped!”
Death says, “That’s your practice bow, dummy.”
You say, “Yes, no one will expect death at my hands when I am weilding THIS!”
Kwip charges into battle.
Kwip says, “Ah-ha! Shadows! Vile creatures, prepare to meet your doom!”
Shadow Lt. says, “Oh, hell, it’s that little shit Kwip again. Hey, I got two shards that says I can pick him off from here.”
Shadow says, “Yeah, right. Suckers bet.”
Shadow Lt. says, “Hmm…tell ya what, let’s get Mikey.”
Shadow says, “Hey, yeah! Mikey won’t kill him; Mikey sucks at everything. Hey Mikey!”
Shadow Child says, “Yeah?”
Shadow says, “See that idiot over there with the practice bow?”
Shadow Child says, “The one that keeps trying to jump on that boulder even though perches were nerfed before we even came into this world?”
Shadow says, “Yeah, yeah, that’s the one. Go kill him!”
Shadow Child says, “Ok.”
Shadow Lt. says, “Oh, hey – make sure if you die you say something mysterious.”
Shadow Child says, “How about ‘Your ass is grass, and Bael’Zharon is the lawnmower!’?”
Shadow Lt. says, “Yeah, that’s cool.”
Shadow says, “I dunno, man – that’s not the sort of stuff that we’re supposed to say.”
Shadow Lt. says, “Dude – he’s fighting KWIP. Think he’s gonna get a chance to use a death message?”
Shadow says, “Oh. Good point.”
You say, “(pant)You just wait (gasp)…till I get (wheeze) on this here (pant) rock! (wheeze) Then I’m gonna rock (pant) your world!”
Shadow Child bashes you for 12 points of damage!
You say, “Ouch! You little bastard!”
Shadow Child giggles.
Shadow Child evades your attack.
Shadow Child bashes you for 18 points of damage!
You say, “Dammit! You little…”
Shadow Child reaches out and snaps your bowstring.
You say, “Hey! That’s not fair!”
Shadow Child says, “Fair? You try standing in the same spot for days on end waiting for some dipwad hero to show up to kill you. I’ll show you fair!”
Shadow Child kicks you in the groin for 22 points of damage!
You say, “OOOOOOF!”
Shadow Child stabs you with one of your own arrows for 13 points of damage!
Shadow Child kills you dead!
Shadow Child says, “Hoot! I’m da man!”
Shadow Lt. says, “Okay, pay up.”
A thin, whining voice seems to fill the air, saying, “…little bastard…lucky I didn’t buff first, that’s all…damn lag…”
Shadow says, “Man, that’s so spooky when they do that.”

11 Sep 2000

Dark Powers, Schmark Powers…

It is a commonly known fact that some folks “just don’t get it.” Well, commonly known, that is, except by those people themselves. How can you tell if you’re in the presence of someone who “doesn’t get it”? Well, for starters, they make the most outrageous boasts and claims, yet take them completely seriously…take, for example, this little lvl 5 bloke I came across selling his goods to another lvl 5:

Satans Servant says, “We’re having a service honoring Bael’Zharon. You can come if you want and learn about us.”
Schmoo says, “ok, thx.”
You say, “Oh oh oh! Can I come to?”
Satans Servant says, “This service is only for those who believe, Kwip.”
You say, “Cool! So I can come, right?”
Satans Servant failed to assess you!
Satans Servant says, “What lvl are you, Kwip?”

Hee hee. Obviously a big fan of mine.

You say, “Fourth”
(don’t forget, as we learned from Chun Lee, all good ninjas lie)
Satans Servant says, “No, because you are an unbeliever.”
You say, “Oh. Well, what do you believe?”
Satans Servant says, “We believe in the power of Darkness, in the coming tide of Evil,”
Satans Servant says, “that we must pay homage to our Dark Master in whatever form he takes: be it the Serpent, Satan, or Bael’Zharon.”
Kwip slaps his leg.
You say, “That’s exactly what _I_ believe!”
Satans Servant says, “I don’t believe you.”
You say, “Well, brother, it sounds as if YOU are lacking in belief. Maybe YOU shouldn’t go to this meeting.”

Now if there’s one thing I love, is people that think of themselves as “Evil” – ESPECIALLY if they’re kooky enough to really get into it. Evil Roleplayers are the flame to my moth! They are the spooon to my Ben and Jerry’s! They are…er…
Death says, “The lifestone to your ass!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”

Anyway, they are beyond a doubt the most fun people to play with. Partly because they give me such great lines to work with:

Satans Servant says, “Kwip, what’s the wickedest thing you’ve ever done?”
You say, “Do fantasies involving Gillian Anderson and a large jar of pickles count?”

Mostly I love them ’cause they take themselves SOOOOO seriously. Of course, this just inspires ME to take them oh-so-seriously as well…

Satans Servant says, “You are an unbeliever. You can’t come.”
You say, “Schmoo, do YOU believe in all this stuff?”
Schmoo says, “i dunno – they sound kewl w/ all that killin and doin evil an stuff”
Kwip nods vigorously.
You say, “Yeah, yeah – I’m down with ALL that schizit!!! Word to your devil bible!”
You say, “And see, Servant – Schmoo’s not a Believer, but you’re letting him go!”
Kwip pouts.
Satans Servant says, “Alright, christ, stop crying about it”
Kwip screams.
You say, “Blasphemer!!!!”
You gore Satans Servant for 16 points of damage!
Satans Servant says, “WTF man!!!! You quit before I kill you!”
You say, “whoops, sorry, my mistake. Just got a little excited there.”
You heal Satans Servant for 13 points.
You say, “By Stans power I heal you!”
Satans Servant says, “You mean Satan”
You say, “Yeah, that’s right Satan, you one mean mofo!”
Satans Servant says, “No, I meant you meant to say ‘by Satans power I heal you!’, not ‘Stans power’.”
You say, “Oh. Well, I dunno about that. Stans a powerful mofo, too.”
Schmoo says, “whos stan?”
You say, “Eh?”
Schmoo says, “whos this stan guy?”
You say, “What are you talking about? Stay off the drugs, son. Servant, you’d best watch this fella Schmoo; looks pretty odd to me.”
Satans Servant says, “Enough already, shut up. If you want to come, then you better be quiet from now on.”
You say, “Yeah, anyway Schmoo. Satans Servant and I are getting pretty tired of your pissy non-stop bitching.”
Schmoo says, “?”
You say, “He spoke! He spoke again!!!!”
Satans Servant says, “No, Kwip I was talking to you!”
You gore Schmoo for 18 points!
Satans Servant says, “stop”
You smite Schmoo mightily!
You say, “Ah-ha, take that, Unbeliever!”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “What’s this?”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “Oh, no! Satans Servant, you are an Unbeliever, also!”
You evade Satans Servant!
Satans Servant says, “You’re going down, asshole”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “Well, not anytime soon, Unbeliever. Do you see how the power of my belief gives me strength!”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!

At this point, Satans Servant apparently ran out of stamina. Hee hee. Now, a lesser man, weakened by the power of his weak faith, might have let Satans Servant live. But not me! I saw my duty clear! Destory the Unbeliever!
You gore Satans Servant for 23 points!
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You smite Satans Servant mightily!

And then the bastard unbeliever didn’t even have any good loot on him! Honestly, how many bad guys do you know that don’t carry around at least SOME phat lewt! I mean, Al Pacino was all down with being the devil – I bet at any given time he had WAY more than 8 gold pieces and a crummy dagger on him! Pathetic!

Satans Servant tells you, “You’re dead, asshole!”
Satans Servant tells you, “My coven is going to hunt you down!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Coven? Ain’t that for witches?”
Satans Servant tells you, “We won’t stop EVER! We’re camping your lifestone!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Ewww! Covens! Not only are you a suck Unbeliever, but you’re a GIRLY-GIRL, too!”
Satans Servant tells you, “I’ll eat your heart myself! You’ll pray for me to kill you!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Promises, promises….”
Satans Servant tells you, “I will bring down all the forces of Darkness upon you!”
You tell Satans Servant, “What, both of you?”
Satans Servant tells you, “Dead, man, totally dead.”
You tell Satans Servant, “TMO?”
Satans Servant tells you, “What?”
You tell Satans Servant, “Never mind. Bastard Unbeliever.”

Now this was getting boring. He was fun while he lasted, but threats on my life are about as exciting as an empty pint of Ben and Jerrys. But then inspiration struck me:

You tell Satans Servant, “Hey, do you guys sacrifice virgins?”
Satans Servant tells you, “I’ll sacrifice you, asswipe!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Oh. Well. Only, there’s this virgin I know, name of Isten, that is always looking for ways to help…”
You tell Satans Servant, “thought this might be a good chance for him. Well, never mind.”
Isten tells you, “I heard that, bastard.”

30 Aug 2000

Back Like a Mysterious Stain On Your Couch!

Laigus Lugian tells you, “Got your bow! Nyah nyah!”
You sigh.

I’m back. It has been a hellacious long hiatus, but finally I was given leave to take a break from the home life…
Kwipette says, “What the heck is that all over your boots?”
Kwipette says, “You’ve tracked it all over the house!”
Kwipette says, “What the hell is that in my good pot? Is that mud? That better be mud!!!!”
Kwipette says, “Who left their scythe lying here? Death indeed! I don’t want to hear anymore about him!”
Kwipette says, “How the hell did you get it on the CEILING!”
Kwipette slaps you for 24 points of spousal abuse!
Kwipette says, “Out out out!!! Get out of here!”
Death says, “Awww, she didn’t even let me finish cooking dinner.”
You sigh.

But now I’m back! Back to explore the wilds of Dereth, to explore strange new lands, to seek out new monsters and bold new dungeons, to…
Laigus Lugian smites you so hard the Lifestone flinches!
Laigus Lugian giggles.
Gigas Lugian gives Laigus Lugian a high-five.

This wouldn’t be so bad, but I ran right into the damn things. I think they’ve been using camoflage, myself.
Laigus Lugian says, “Shhhh….I’m a tree.”

So now they’re all standing around my body, poking it with sharp sticks.
Laigus Lugian says, “Heh. Me smush Kwip. Me bad.”
Gigas Lugian says, “You not bad. You dumb. Drudges smash Kwip. Kwip sucks.”
Laigus Lugian says, “Me got Kwip bow. Me too bad.”
Gigas Lugian says, “Kwip bow made of styrofoam. You not bad.”
Laigus Lugian says, “Heh – me got Kwip puppet!”
Laigus Lugian picks up Corpse of Kwip.
Laigus Lugian begins dancing Corpse of Kwip around.
Laigus Lugian says in a high-pitched girly voice, “D’oh, me Kwip, me super dumb archer. Watch me take on Lugians! Oh, no, Lugians smush my head!”
Gigas Lugian laughs.

Bastards. So of course I go charging in, intent on making them pay. Any bets on what happens next?
Gigas Lugian drop-kicks you through the field goals of life.
Laigus Lugian super-flys you off the top rope.
Gigas Lugian straps a saddle to your back and rides you through the great Coral de Lifestone.

Bah. Fickle bastards. After finding my way up to 20% vitae, then back down again, I decide a visit to Uziz is in order. Haven’t been there in a while, might be nice to head back, visit the boys in the pool hall, see what’s new and exciting. A few magic words, about a thousand burnt components, and I’m back.

Looking around, I see a bunch of faces I don’t recognize. But none of them are leaping to the attack, so I figure all is relatively safe.

Death giggles.
You say, “Quiet, slut, you’ll ruin the surprise!”

Where was I…oh, yes, Uziz. So I spend some time buying this that and the other component I’m going to need, then hop up on to one of the tents to rest a bit and order my components (yes, yes, I know, stupid of me, shutup already).

Of course, no sooner do I lay down then I’ve got some little shit mage (Myers? Meyers? Mayers? Something like that…) trying to impale me with his mighty level one spells… So of course, like chud has just been dumped in the water, the rest of the low-brow feeders enter frenzy. I suddenly felt like Hicks in Aliens; my radar had lit up with blips all over the damn place, all converging on our fearless hero.

So I ran like hell. But – here comes the best part – some little melee punk gives chase, obviously decked out by some powerful friend, ’cause he had some decent items and it was obvious his punk ass sucked WAY too much to ever earn the items himself. How do I know that, you ask?

Simple. I SMOKED his ass! Heh heh heh. No, I didn’t kill him. But he couldn’t catch me. And let me tell you – after a LOOOOONG history of sucking badly and getting my ass handed to me on a regular basis, being able to outrun some little punk was more thrilling than…than…well, more thrilling than Gillian Anderson spoon-feeding me Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. Naked.

Oh, god, what a horrible lie. Okay, so it wasn’t that thrilling. But it was still pretty damn fun. The only downside was that I couldn’t remember that guy’s name, or I would’ve been all over his chat window:
Kwip tells you, “D00D! I R0X0R3D UR W0RLD!”
Kwip tells you, “PHEAR MY 3L33T SKILLS, SLOWPOKE!”

Hee hee hee. Everyone should have this much fun when they play. But on a more serious note, when did these suckwads move into Uziz? What the hell sort of sorry excuse for lame-ass PKers are they? What, the Little Rascals aren’t around anymore, so now any little suckwad who thinks their skills are 3L33T makes Uziz their breeding ground? Pathetic! By the Prophet Harry, I wish either some serious Anti’s would come back to Uziz, or at least some decent PKs would show up and show people how it’s done. Sure, everyone hated the Little Rascals; but it was a love-hate thing. Everyone loved to hate them. When they would raid, people actually died before they had a chance to get away – now some little doofus runs around town, and can’t even kill me, even if they get like three war spells in before I’m even on my feet? Lame ass. And a melee I can outrun? Man, how bad must you suck? It has GOT to be killing these people that Kwip, the feckless of the feckless, actually managed to not only survive an attack, but actually made it safely away from their whole mob!

PKs, as a rule, don’t bother me much. But nowadays, there are a ton of dipshit wannabe’s running around boasting about their own self-importance and more ridiculous than a room full of fake doggy poo. Kind of reminds me of the Republican National Convention…

But it’s a strange thing. Seems my “fame” has garnered me some 3L33T followers seeking to make a name for themselves by killing me. Heh – but not only do I get the usual death threats, I get some great fan mails: I recently received a fan letter (be still my swelling head!) asking me about “Death” and “Ash Gromnie” – seems some people who never played AC found my site (how, I have no idea – maybe a search of “pathetic suckwads” on Yahoo?). Anyway, they wanted to know about the players behind Death and Ash Gromnie. Heh. I told them Death was an Incarnation, visible only to Wizards, Witches, and Gimp Archers.

As for Mr. Ash Gromnie….I told them he was a nice guy, and if they join the game to look for him. If they ever see him, they should run right up and ask for money, ’cause he LOVES helping newbies…hee hee hee.

15 Aug 2000

Good Grief, Could You Bitch Any Harder?


Heh heh heh. I haven’t been this childishly giddy about a patch since…since…I dunno, since the patch that let me run around naked as a jaybird. What? That patch is not in yet? Oh. Sorry! One of them temporal displacement memories. Anyway…

The first, and absolutely positively most exciting, is that there is now my beloved spice in Dereth…chocolate! “Yeay, I say unto you: for as water is the liquid by which we all survive, so too is Chocolate the spice by which all life holds sacred.” Heh. What I want to know is, what the hell are those little Mosswart buggers doing carrying around chocolate beans? Bastards! Bring me their heads!

And fleshy lumps…heh heh heh. Now THERE’S a trophy I could do without, thank you very much. And you can combine them with other fleshy lumps? Forget the “Taste of twilight” title; this patch should be titled “Taste of Frankenstein.” Freaks.

But now there are arenas…hee hee hee. Anybody lure any suckers that don’t have portal magic into one of them yet and then recall out? Hee hee hee… this game just keeps getting more and more fun, I tell you… but there are those that disagree…

Sniveling Whiner says, “dammit! i lost all that shit that i got last nite!”
You say, “Bum deal.”
Sniveling Whiner says, “this blows. turbine and ms sucks ass”
You say, “I’m sensing a lot of frustration here…”
Sniveling Whiner says, “and when i put in a abuse report, teh sentinel guy said he wouldnt replace my shit!”
You say, “Wow. The nerve.”
Sniveling Whiner says, “yeah! my point exactly! i swear, i’m gonna quit this damn game…”
You say, “Can I ask you something?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “ok”
You say, “Tell me, when they broadcast that the worlds were going down, did you exit then?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “no – they kick you off anyway when they take the worlds down.”
You say, “Ah. And before you went to the Sentinel, did you ever read that document about what the on-line staff can and can’t do?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “no…”
You say, “Hmmm…do you know what document I’m talking about?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “wel, yeh, i saw that article thing, but i didn’t read it. didn’t really care what they had to say.”
You say, “Ah, I see. So basically, you’re a bastard who is inconveniencing the rest of the world because of your own stupidity?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “err…yes?”

Sigh. Now don’t get me wrong, when the server does insane things like give Matties jetpacks or spawns a Panumbris shadow in my pocket or knocks me over a cliff or any of the fun stuff that routinely causes me to come down with a bad case of dead, I get pissed too. I want to scream and shout and poke pointy objects into the soft spots of Turbine/MS/Programmers in general. Then again, since I’m the only programmer I can get my grubby little mits on, that desire tends to pass soon enough… but honestly, because the game has flaws, however massive or tiny, do you have to be an asshole to other folks, too? Fine, you’re pissed. Fine, you lost your GSA that was given to you by Asheron himself when he revealed himself to be your father and personally inscribed it “To my little schnookums, who is a source of pride to his father and not at all a bastard like Kwip.” I DON’T CARE! And chances are, the people around you that are getting their chat windows filled up with your stupid spamming don’t care either – actually, they probably WERE pissed, but now YOU’RE pissing them off, so they get to turn all of their rage to you. Unfortunately, since you’re a little zit-faced 36-year old shit whose parents won’t let out of the basement, you’ve spent the past 8 months building this uber character, and even without your almighty GSA, nobody can give you the proper ass-kicking you so richly deserve, so they have to sit there and listen to your stupid blatherings, because if they turn off their chat or squelch your dumb ass, odds are they won’t notice when you start planning on killing everyone around you so they’ll have no warning when you decide that the only way to make Turbine notice your pathetic simpering is to kill everyone around you repeatedly until finally…
Death slaps you for 25 points of come-to-your-senses damage!

Er…sorry, got a bit carried away there. My point is this: I don’t know any of the blokes at Turbine or MS, aside from little chat room conversations, but I can promise you that none of them are sitting around saying, “Well, this patch looks pretty smooth. What say we just screw with those guys Bob, Frank and Joe, just ’cause we’re bored.” They’re not even saying, “Hey, there’s a problem. We have to do something to fix it. Let’s start by screwing with just Bob’s stuff and see if he gets pissed. Not that we would care or anything…” (Actually, what they’re usually saying is, “Hey, we got another demand from Kwip saying that he’s going to take Darktide hostage unless we set him up with a date with Gillian Anderson. Who wants to send the flying Mattekars after him this time?” But that’s besides the point.)

Look, if you’re pissed, and you have every right to be, send an email to STOP SPAMMING MY SCREEN WITH YOUR SNIVELING! I can never figure out how to work the damn squelch and filters, so it’s a pain in the ass trying to figure out how to shut your yammering trap up. Do me and everyone around you a favor: if you’re gonna quit, quit! Give me any phat lewt you may have first, but then quit! Get your whining, simpering ass off of our world! Most of you namby-pambies are the same sorry pieces of shreth crap that make fun of people that whine about DT not being fair! And now you’re gonna turn around and accuse Turbine of not being fair? *RING RING* “Hello Pot? This is kettle. My you’re looking black today!” Jackass.

And just in case this hasn’t been clear enough for you: I THINK THAT ANYONE THAT SPENDS THEIR TIME BITCHING ABOUT HOW UNFAIR TURBINE/MS/WHOEVER IS, OR HOW THEY’RE GOING TO QUIT, BLAH BLAH BLAH, IS AN IDIOT. I WILL NOT, WILL NOT, WILL NOT!!! WRITE A RANT FOR YOU DOING YOUR PATHETIC BITCHING FOR YOU! STOP ASKING ME TOO!!!! Honestly, if you don’t like what was done, at least talk about it in a constructive manner – I remember when the sticky thing happened, there were all sorts of people bitching, but there were a few that said, “I think it would be better if Turbine did this…” Those people were pretty interesting to talk to. I didn’t always agree with what they said, but they weren’t sitting their crying in their pissy diapers about how unfair the world is and how Turbine/MS conspires against them. They were actually being constructive in what they said. And you know what? Almost none of them, even the ones with really good suggestions, had their ideas implemented. But you know what? They went back to playing the game. ‘Cause it’s fun. So if you don’t like it, there’s the door, bucko. Leaves more of the phat lewt for me.

Bleargh. I hate people that interrupt my mojo with whining and get me so pissed that I have to write a twenty page rant about them wanting me to rant. Heh. Ain’t irony ironic?

08 Aug 2000

Why Is Believing I Suck Such a Stretch?

No, really – I DO suck.

Some people just don’t get it, I suppose. They log on to my site, read all my little stories, find them amusing, and then when they see me in Dereth, they want to give me some praise (which I love, btw – god bless my little ego). But it invariably goes like this:

Tanker says, “Hey Kwip – great site; funny stories!”
You say, “Thanks! :)”
Tanker says, “WTF? You’re only lvl 13? For real?”
You say, “Nah, actually I’m lvl 54 – I’m just DAMN good at deception.”
You grin.

Of course, there’s always some dipshit around who doesn’t get it.

Dipshit says, “bs man, that’s not true. you suck. deception dosn’t do that”
You sigh.

Honestly folks: I really do suck. The one highlight in my whole pathetic existence is killing Velox Manus in a duel – and that was damn close! And he was about 8 levels below me at the time! If I hadn’t critted on him, he’d be wearing one of my ears as a necklace right about now.

Of course, I did crit on him. Heh. So Velox – I 0\/\/|\| J00, D00D! Heh heh heh. What a rush…

But back to my point: folks, I don’t make this up. I really, really suck. I have no PvP skills, let alone PvM skills. Okay, perhaps I can turn a witty phrase. But most monsters are not impressed by this:

You say, “Hey, Mr. Ash Gromnie. Want to read a funny story?”
Ash Gromnie jolts you for 54 points of damage!
Blistered by lightning, Kwip dies a miserable death!
Ash Gromnie jumps up and down on your corpse!
Ash Gromnie goes through your wallet, and makes fun of all the pictures he finds there, drawing mustaches on each and every one!

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to suck. (Granted, I don’t want to work for a living, either – so if there’s any Hollywood mogul out there searching for the next great script, let’s do power lunches, DOOD!!!!) But anyway – I really do try not to suck. I even have people help me:

Sling Blade casts Armor Other IV on you.
Sling Blade casts Quickness Other IV on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts Coordination IV on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts Don’t Get Killed, Dummy VI on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts every buff known to man on your bow.
Mnenoch Blood even makes up a few buffs for your bow (Dazed and Confused VI – makes monsters become confused when attacked by me – ‘Did that little shit Kwip really just hit me for 68 points of damage? I don’t believe it.’)

About fifteen seconds later:

Nibbling your bum, brown rabbit sends you to the lifestone mightily!

Mnenoch Blood shakes his head.
Sling Blade shakes his head.
Death giggles.

Now I have had offers to go powerlevel. I’ve even tried to take a few people up on them.

Jehozaphat casts Armor VI on you.
Jehozaphat casts Piercing Protection VI on you.
Jehozaphat says, “Okay, I’ve vulned that Olthoi. He’ll be up here any second – when he gets here, get him.”
Jehozaphat says, “You’re buffed; he won’t hurt you too bad.”
You say, “Okay! Great!”
Olthoi Worker impales you dead without a second glance!
Jehozaphat tells you, “…”
Jehozaphat tells you, “One hit? With uber buffs? Hrm. You really do suck. Don’t bother me again.”
You sigh.

Now when I grow up, I want to be very good. I dream of actually standing against a raid in a town as a defender and making a difference. I LONG to actually be considered a threat. I fantasize about someday being on the roof of a building, raining death upon the raiders, and having one of them say something like:

“Oh, no! It’s Kwip! Quick, you two go up there and kill him before he ruins our entire attack! No, wait – you better take a couple more men with you, he’s deadly!”

Even if I’m slaughtered quickly after that, I don’t care – just for that brief time of making a difference and actually being a threat. When I’m on a rooftop nowadays, it goes more like this:

“Okay, you guys go get that high level over there. Watch out for that mage; he’s vuln’ing folks. Team 2, you get the mid-levels. Finally, Joe Newbie – since you’re only lvl 1, there’s not much you can do here. But you see that gimp on the roof over there? That’s Kwip. You can go kill him.”
“Kwip? Aw, man – can’t I do something challanging? Aren’t there rabbits or something that need killing? Can’t I just walk behind you and loot your kills? That’ll at least take some time…”

So just to clarify: yes, I suck. I really am that low level. I don’t make up these stories about my sucking; they really happen to me. On a regular basis.

Death says, “Hey Kwip – the Drudge’s have just returned the results from their ‘All-Time Suckwads of Dereth’ contest. You won!”
You sigh.

24 Jul 2000

Let’s all do the Ninja!


So here I am, taking some downtime, trolling… er… strolling through the message boards, when I come across this little gem:

Subject: A Shadow in the darknes
Author: A_Ninja
Date Added: 7:35am (PST)
If you need hlep, call me. I can move thru the darkness and will kill your enimees for you.

If you want to lern how to be a ninja, i will teach you.


Well. I’ve always wanted to be a ninja! How did this fella know that? Ever since that great TV show back in the day with the old ninja master (who, oddly enough, was a WHITE ninja – don’t see many of them, outside of Stephen Hayes, of course) and that snotty little kid who drove that A-Team wannabe van…

But I digress. A few messages back and forth, a bit of fawning over this fellow ("Wow! I’ve always wanted to be a ninja! Would you teach me, o master?"), and he agreed to come to Darktide and instruct me in the ancient art of being a ninja. As I came to learn it from my master, it was called "ninjasu." Or maybe "ninja-sue"? I think I dated her once…but anyway, my new master, Chun Lee, agreed to come and teach me. And so class began…

I met my new master ninja guy in Rithwic. At which point a RPK’er named Botsukasa or something came running by and killed him. Twice. Apparently, no one told the local thugs that there was a master amongst their ranks…

So we moved outside of Rithwic a bit. To a group of rabbits.

Chun Lee says, "to be a ninja, you must follow my directions"

Chun Lee says, "your training will be painful, and you may die in it – a couple of times, even"

Death says, "What? Kwip? Die? I don’t believe it!"

You say, "Quiet, slut!"

Chun Lee says, "what?"

You say, "I’m sorry, I have a cold. What were you saying?"

Chun Lee says, "ok – the first thing you have to do is learn to blend in."

You say, "Ok."

Chun Lee says, "now watch on your radar. do you see how i disapear?"

I saw no such thing. What I saw was him laying down with a bunch of rabbits.

You impale Chun Lee for 20 points of damage!

You say, "Master, I see you!"

Chun Lee says, "wtf!!!!!!!!"

Chun Lee says, "wtf – why did you attack me?"

You say, "I’m sorry, master, but I thought you said training was going to be painful – I thought this was one of those lessons."

Chun Lee says, "never mind – don’t do that agin. If you can see me, just say so."

You say, "yes, master"

Chun Lee says, "now go off of my radar and then come back and see if you can see me"

You say, "yes master"

You bow low.

I figure I better wander a good bit away. Make sure I get him off my radar and stuff. So I wander a good bit and then run back.

Now I’m not sure how it happened, but wouldn’t you know it, as I make my way back to my ninja tutor, there’s a group of Banderling Scouts that apparently want to learn how to be a ninja, too.

You say, "Master, I think they can see you"

Banderling Scout cleaves Chun Lee so hard the lifestone flinches!

Chun Lee tells you, "dude, what teh fuck? why did you lead them to me?"

You tell Chun Lee, "I’m sorry master, I didn’t think they’d be able to see you. I was scared. I was hoping you could help."

Chun Lee tells you, "look, in this world, i’m like lvl 3. don’t be stupid – there’s no way i can handle stuff you can’t."

You tell Chun Lee, "I’m sorry master! I will sacrifice myself to make it up to you!"

You have died.

Chun Lee tells you, "no don’t do that"

You say, "Oh. Well, too late now. Hello, master."

Chun Lee says, "what is your problem? are you a retard or something? "

You say, "I’m sorry, master. I was just trying to impress you. I want to learn how to be a ninja! Everyone always beats me up here!"

You say, "You have to help me!"

You cry.

Chun Lee says, "dude, how old are u?"

You say, "11"

Chun Lee says, "okay kid, I’ll help you, but you have to do what I tell you to do."

You say, "Yes, master! Thank you!"

You bow low.

At this point, we gain the attention of some of the locals that were standing around. A few of them walk over.

Kampahn says, "Hey Kwip. What’s up? When are you gonna put up some new rants?"

You say, "Back off! Do not make my master angry!"

Chun Lee tells you, "dude, don’t mess wtih these asses. Let them play there dumb games; we have training to do."

You say, "Ah, yes."

You bow low.

You say, "Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but my master has said that I can’t mess with you asses and that you should play your dumb games."

You say, "He also says that I have to continue my training."

Chun Lee tells you, "stfu!!!!"

Chun Lee says, "No, I was just kidding!"

Kampahn says, "Oh really? Well, here’s a joke for you."

Kampahn smites Chun Lee mightily!

Kampahn says, "Next time watch your mouth, Chun Lee you little shit. See you, Kwip. I’d dump this looser if I were you."

Ah, but Kampahn was a PK’er, and had no interest in being a Ninja like me!


You tell Chun Lee, "What? What’d I do?"


You tell Chun Lee, "I’m sorry…I thought that’s what you meant. I’m so sorry! Let me make it up to you!"

Chun Lee tells you, "noooooo"

You have died.

You bow low.

You say, "I’m sorry master! I thought the way of the ninja was to talk bravely and face down our enemies!"

Chun Lee says, "no, you dummy! ninjas work by deceet! we lie and move in darkness."

You say, "but I thought you were great warriors?"

Chun Lee says, "well, yeah, we are. but we only fight as a last resort. we are assassins."

Chun Lee says, "we use darkness and lies and stuff like that as our friend."

You say, "Oh. I didn’t know that. I’m really sorry. Do you want to kill me, master?"

Chun Lee says, "no, just think more about what you’re doing. remember what i told you."

You say, "Okay."

At this point, Chun Lee takes me into the wilderness again, and we find a spot relatively free of monsters to continue our training. He spends some time teaching me how to "hide" amongst rabbits and things like that. In truth, I didn’t have any trouble finding him on my radar. But I had learned an important lesson: ninjas lie! So I didn’t tell him I could see him.

After a few hours of perfecting this skill, one of my friends tells me that there are some low-level Pk’ers headed for town. I share this with my master, and he tells me that this is a perfect chance to practice what I have been taught. Together we will go into town, find a good hiding spot, and lie in ambush for these PK’ers. So off to town we go.

I find a good spot above a building, but mixed in with a couple of townspeople so that I don’t show up on the radar (using my ninja skill) and my master does the same. And right on time, the PK’ers enter town. They seem completely unaware of us.

Big Fangs says, "Man, that was great. I didn’t get much loot, but that was funny as hell seeing all those newbies scatter!"

Big Claws says, "For sure! We need to give them a little time to re-group and go do it again!"

Big Spellthrower says, "Hey, I need to re-stock in the mages. Brb."

Big Fangs says, "Well, we might as well all go, I need some stuff, too."

Big Claws says, "Guys, switch to fellow chat. Someone might overhear us."

How right he was! Now they would meet their doom at the hands of my master and I!

Chun Lee tells you, "Okay, now is our chance! While they’re inside, we will sneak up on them – they’re not ready for a battle yet."

Chun Lee tells you, "and by the time they see us enter the building, it will be too late for them to equip."

You tell Chun Lee, "Okay!"

Chun Lee tells you, "Okay, begin sneaking up on them now – I’m right outside their radar, but I’ll wait till you get close enough."

Chun Lee tells you, "I’ll need your help. So I’ll wait till you sneak up here, then we’ll charge them together. K?"

You tell Chun Lee, "Okay, master!"

Chun Lee tells you, "Okay, sneak down from there now"


Chun Lee tells you, "dude, shutup they can heare you"

Unfortunately, my master was right. Before I even got to the ground, the PK’ers were out of the building, armed, buffed, and attacking my master.

Big Claws cleaves Chun Lee in twain!

Hmmmm….this was not good. My master was dead before I was out the door. I decided that in the true fashion of the ninja, darkness was my friend. So I ran like hell. As I ran, I received a message from my master:


You tell Chun Lee, "Master, have I upset you?"

Chun Lee tells you, "your damn right you did, dumass! what the hell were you doing? i told you to sneak up on them!"

You tell Chun Lee, "I was sneaking!"

Chun Lee tells you, "sneaking? you started fuckign yelling right away!"

You tell Chun Lee, "That was my battle cry!"

Chun Lee tells you, "ninjas don’t have battle crys, you idiot!"

You tell Chun Lee, "They don’t? But Xena always has a battle cry!"

Chun Lee tells you, "XENA IS NOT A NINJA!!!!!"

You tell Chun Lee, "Oh. Well, Gabriella or whatever her name is has a battle cry, too!"


You tell Chun Lee, "Is this a trick question, master? Where should I meet you to continue my training?"



You tell Chun Lee, "Master, does that mean I’m done with my training and ready to graduate?"

You tell Chun Lee, "Master?"

Chun Lee has squelched you.

Chun Lee has squelched you.

Well, okay, so ninja warrior I guess I’ll never be. Sigh. I SO had my heart set on it, too. But take heart – today I found this post:

Subject: New recruits wanted
Author: Green_Ranger
Date Added: 1:35pm (PST)
The Power Rangers are now searching for new recruits! If you want to learn how to be a great warrior, contact us.


The Power Rangers – the greatest force of good!


I would look DAMN good in one of those outfits, that’s for sure!!!! I better sign up for training soon!

14 Jul 2000

The Unthinkable…

Wheeeee! Okay, take a break from your flame wars, and listen to this fun tale: I actually have no vitae!

No, I couldn’t believe it myself, either. But it was true: I had broken down that great barrier. The normally heavy burden weighing me down was gone! My arrows flew truer, finding their mark more accurately, drawing deeper wounds, and generally really pissing stuff off a great deal. But did it matter? Hardly! I was a non-vitae-carrying animal! I could do anything!

You say, “Shirov Thiguz”
Your spell fizzles.
You burn the following components: Violet Taper, Rowan talisman, all of your Powdered Malachite, all the Powdered Malachite at the Mage shop, your pants, your entire collection of the Sho Men’s Chorus Sing the Classics, and your bow, just for good measure.

You say, “Dammit! Massle-fraggin dam-blasted fahrfegnuggin sumbichbastich fargin icehole!”

I just can’t figure out how to recall to my lifestone to…well, to save my life.
Death says, “Oh! I’ll get you back to your lifestone!”
You say, “Hush!”

I mean, is there some little secret thingy I’m missing? I ask my friends, but that never goes well…
You tell Phillip Ian, “Hey, what’s the formula for Lifestone Recall?”
Phillip Ian tells you, “Kwip + Ash Gromnie”
You tell Phillip Ian, “Bastard”

Some people’s friends. I’m insanely jealous of Phil, ’cause he killed our old friend Cunning Linguist. Twice. Heh. Just thinking about that gives me a warm feeling in my tummy…

On a more fun note, I actually got that Portal Recall thing down. Now I can come back and visit Uziz!

You say, “Shirov Thiloi”
You say, “Ah, Uziz! Good to be back!”
A Noid says, “Hey Kwip. You lookin for a patron?”


I have been meeting some great people lately, though. Ygol the Destroyer, Mmneoch Blood, Slinging Blade, Blade Storm, and several others have all helped me out on my little runabouts. But finally, after living so long with so much vitae, it was so much fun to actually be competent…

Ash Gromnie says, “Please tell me that’s not Kwip coming towards us.”
Other Ash Gromnie says, “Nah, can’t be. That guy’s actually moving at a normal speed.”
Ash Gromnie says, “Well, no matter. Let’s toast ’em. Ash Gromnie lightning breath, activate!”
Ash Gromnie sparks you for 1 point of damage.
You say, “Ah-ha! Didn’t count on my Lightning Protection V, did you, you little bastards?”
Ash Gromnie says, “Oh, hello Kwip. No, actually, we didn’t count on that. How’s your piercing protection?”
You say, “Ermmm….”
Ash Gromnie gores you for 45 points of damage!
Other Ash Gromnie says, “Not very good, I’d suspect.”
You say, “Mommy!”
Death says, “Hiya, Kwip! Sorry to stop in like this, but you don’t call anymore.”


27 Jun 2000

Finally! A Worthy Job!

Well, the day started off innocently enough. I was be-bopping around some new territory. In fact, I noticed I was close to one of the newbie Desert towns. So close, that I can see one of those weird towers that are at all the newbie towns. I decide to take a closer look. When I get close enough, I see a pink dot showing up on my radar! Pink dot? Was this a new monster? I quickly whip out the Froder’s guide to Dereth and read:

“Pink Dots on your radar indicate Advocates, which can be found on all the worlds (except Darktide) to help newcomers to the world.”

An Advocate? On Darktide? Well, I know my faithful readers would want to read about this! So I proceed, of course on my guard, buffed and arrow knocked, when what do I see?

It gets stranger! This wacky guy then begins to address me in quite an unusual manner:

Can this guy possibly be for real, or did he get a bad mushroom from a Drudge?

I have been dismissed! And we all now how well I deal with being disrespected…

I can’t believe the rubbish coming out of this arrogant foolio’s mouth…

Of course, while he’s thus distracted by my engaging conversation, I wander around….behind him.

Well, well, looky here! Someone left a perfectly good Aegis lying around! Wonder how it would look on me?

Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself!

I wasn’t gonna hang around and give dingleberry a shot at getting this thing back. After all, we all know that I really do suck, and wouldn’t stand a fair chance in a fight. So I lead my little charge off through a convenient portal.

Once there, I decide an IQ test is in order.

And Joe failed miserably, I’m sorry to say. It looks like it’s up to me to once again purge the gene pool of Dereth…

Did I mention I never had a good dagger?

You do see what’s coming next, don’t you?

Yes, do not fear my friends! I have a new job! Wherever there are newbies to the land of Dereth, in need of guidance, I shall be there, to help them! Or murder them mercilessly, depending on the results of their IQ test…

26 Jun 2000

There Are Things MUCH Worse Than Evil PKs…

Death says, “Howdy!”
You groan.

Not again. I was doing so well lately. I actually had my vitae down to something not quite ridiculous. I think it was almost at 6% or something close. I actually cast some level II spells several times in a row! I was a powerhouse of killing!

So of course I got cocky.

“A Gigas? Man, I can toast that thing in two shots.”
Gigas smites you so hard, the lifestone chuckles!

“Hmmm…that sucked. More vitae! Well, there’s a Great Mattie. Let me see if he’s got any horns on him.”
Great Mattie bitch slaps you so hard the magnetic poles shift!

A few more tangles with critters, some interventions from a few PKs, and I’m back in familiar country. 28% country, to be specific. So it looks like I’ll be hunting a tad bit longer!

Well, that’s no big problem. I’ve hunted before, I’ll hunt again. I see some of the usual folks in this part of the woods; Mmenoch Blood is there, giving me some sweet buffs. Wheee!

But now there’s a new face. I know what you’re thinking: “Ah, another PK – run Kwip!” But no, this was not a PK.

It was worse.

“Eh?” you ask. “Worse than a PK’er? What could it possibly be?”

It was…gasp…a WHINER.

Yes, a snivelling, grovelling little turd that exists only by the kindness of others. The very thought of it starts my eye a-twitchin’. As if the random murders, monstrous beasts, and companionship of Death were not enough in this land, I have to put up with a Whiner.

“Kwip, that golem’s mine!”
“Hey, can someone buff me?”
“Argh! I’ve got more vitae now!”
“No, let me get that monster! I want it!”

Sigh. And the worse thing is that I couldn’t ID him. If there’s one thing I hate more than Whiners, it’s throwing myself at a Whiner and dying at their hands. Not only do you get more vitae, but then you have to listen to stuff like:
“Hey! What’d you do that for!”
“Kwip’s a PK!”
“I’m going to put you on my guild’s/fellows/lovers KOS+L list!”
“That’ll teach you to attack me!”

The last being the worst, of course. With as bad as I suck, my death was a pretty certain thing. I don’t mind dying, but I know for a fact that trying to kill a Whiner and failing miserably not only gives them more to whine about, but frustrates the hell out of you worse than a scorching case of hemorrhoids on a long run.

So, nothing left to do but put up with the whining, eh?


Yeah, I didn’t buy that either.

First, I started off subtley.

You say, “Oh, man, sorry about that, Whiner. I didn’t realize you were laying down there when I brought those 3 Ash Gromnies hot on my ass straight towards you.”

(Ed. note: yup, forgot this guy’s name, too)

You say, “No, sheesh, sorry, I don’t have any onyx left either. Eh? Oh, I know it LOOKED like onyx I just picked up. But that was just coal dust. It’s an alchemy thing.”

Then I got a bit more obvious.

You say, “Okay, let me buff you. Whoops! Damn, I didn’t mean to cast Lead Feet II on you! Stupid buttons! Oh no, look out – more Ash’s coming! Quick, run!”

You say, “Sure, that’s a great perch. They can’t possibly reach you from there.”
You say, “Whoops! Well, who knew Shadows could cast spells? That’s news to me…”

Then I’m afraid the excitement got the best of me.

You say, “Whoops! Damn! Stupid auto-attack! Oh no! Now I’m lagging!”
You say, “Uh-oh, the lag is making me equip my greater elemental arrows and attack you! Ain’t lag a bitch?”

Heh. Stupid people. Aren’t they fun to play with?

21 Jun 2000

Summer’s Fun!

Another day, more vitae.

So there we are, myself and my stalwart companion Ozar, hunting without our steadfast companion, Phillip Ian. However, Death was still around. Although he wasn’t around quite as much lately – I’ve been working on the whole vitae thing. Someone told me that if you have none, you stand a much better chance of learning new spells. I think they’re full of crap, but I’m willing to give it a try. So Death and I had to have a little talk.

You say, “Death, I need to talk to you for a minute.”
Death says, “No, I will not get you a bow.”
You say, “No, I’m serious. I…I…I think you and I have been spending too much time together.”
Death looks shocked.
Death says, “But…but…why?”
You say, “Well, it’s just that there are some new things I want to try, and I don’t think I can do them with you around.”
Death says, “Oh, so now I’m crowding you?”
You say, “Well, yeah. Cramping my style.”
Death says, “Cramping your…? Fine. No, no – that’s just fine. I didn’t like being around you that much anyway.”
You say, “Oh, now don’t be like that. Baby…”
Death says, “Don’t touch me. And I’m not your ‘baby,’ I’m Death. The Grim Reaper. Just a lonely, lonely person, trying to do a hard job…sniff.”
You groan.
You say, “Oh, now come on, don’t start the water works.”
Death blows his nose on his sleeve.
Death chokes out, “No, no, I’m fine. Let me be. If you need me, I’ll just be back in Uziz, waiting for you.”
You sigh.

Death is so fickle.

But today Oz and I are doing the hunting thing, with a plink plink there, and a plink plink here, there a fireball, here an arrow, everywhere vitae reduction….
And then we get a new visitor to our neck of the woods. Don’t see many of them. But in pops this fella, Cunning Linguist, hereafter referred to as Doofus, as a white dot at the lifestone.

Cunning Linguist says, “Fucking PKs.”
You say to your fellowship, “Oh, he’s a PK.”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “Definitely a Pker.”

We’re so smart.

You say to your fellowship, “Danger Will Rogers time?”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “Hmmm…well, he’s level 28. I can’t imagine he’d be interested in killing us more than once.”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “And since it was a PK death that brought him here, he probably is hell bent on getting back and getting his ‘revenge’.”

So off we go, doing our little hunt thing. Sure enough, Cunning does his little recall thing and pops off. But very soon afterwards, he’s back, red and just crosser than a wet cat in a laundry bag.

Right away he runs up and kills both of us. There’s a surprise. But afterwards, comes a bit of a shock:
Doofus says, “I’ll give you back your shit for a red taper.”

Eh? Did your eyes deceive you? Nay, gentle reader! I say this unto you: yeay, verily art there those who art such schmuckeths, that they believe this is a good negotiation method. I’m somewhat surprised though; this has got to be an all-time low of stupidity that I’ve encountered. I can just imagine Doofus’ love life:

“Hey, if you go out with me, I’ll take that six-inch spike out of your forehead.”
Ladies, get in line now!

But back to our story: Doofus has smote us both, and now says that he will give back our stuff if we give him a red taper. Hmmm…tensions are high, time for a bit of humor to defuse the situation:

You say, “Hey Doofus, I have a joke for you.”
Doofus says, “Okay.”
You say, “Knock knock.”
Doofus says, “Who’s there?”
You say, “Fuck.”
Doofus says, “Fuck who?”
You say, “FUCK YOU!!!!”
Kwip falls down on the floor laughing.
Ozar is in tears laughing.
You say, “Oh, man, I can’t believe you fell for that!”
Ozar says, “Now that was just a shame!”
Doofus says, “I knew that was coming! I did! Stop laughing at me!”

Hee hee hee. I crack myself up, I really do. But this seemed to make Doofus a bit more upset. So of course his only recourse was to kill us both again – and for those of you who missed it, we still haven’t given him a red taper. And here’s an even funnier note: I only cast level I’s. Yup, I cannot and have not learned any Lvl II’s yet. BUT – I have a red taper I picked up off of some creature. Would I give it to him? Hell, no. He would have to kill me until I had nothing left to drop. And then I’d log before he could kill me. Sure, that would be dishonorable. But more importantly, it would drive him insane! Heh heh heh – oh, the fun you can have in this world!!!

So now he has killed us a couple more times. Our hunting partner, Phillip Ian, shows up. And Doofus kills him. By now, Doofus is tired of waiting for us to turn red again, and has begun drawing monsters up to kill us while we’re still white. Nothing new there!

Death says, “HA!!! I KNEW you couldn’t be without me!”

It gets better – Doofus now gives us back our stuff. But he’s now threatening to give us max vitae if we don’t give him a red taper.

You say, “Ummm…sorry to burst your bubble, Pop’n’Fresh, but I was at max vitae the first time you killed me. Thanks for playing!”

But then something clicks in Doofus’ head – you can see the little trail of smoke coming out of his ears – and he gets an idea.

Doofus gives you 10 Greater Lightning Arrows.
You say, “Oh, wow, thanks!”
Doofus says, “Can I please have a red taper?”
You shock Doofus for 25pts of damage!

Heh heh. Of course he killed me afterwards, but that was such a classic moment.

Finally, Phillip, who was never on that good of a basis with Death in the first place, decides he’s had enough. He gives Doofus the tapers, Doofus gives him back our stuff, then leaves. But Phillip is not without friends in high places…a few moments after Doofus leaves, Phillip informs us that his monarch, Kile Thomsun, is chasing Doofus around Uziz.

Ozar and I are holding each other up, we’re laughing so hard at that. I mean, can’t you just picture it? Doofus pops into town, “Yeah, I showed them, got what I wanted, I’m the man.” Then he notices Kile leaning against a building, grinning evilly…

At this point, Blade Storm shows up. She’s quite a good trooper; very nice to talk to, never once killed me and asked for a taper. We manage to get our breath long enough to tell her what happened.

Blade Storm says, “Sorry I missed it. I wish I was here to help you guys.”
Death says, “Yeah, I wish you would’ve been here, too. Kwip’s bad enough, but now I’ve got to babysit THOSE two?”
Ozar elbows Death in the gut.

Ozar leaves, we make up some more jokes about Doofus, and then go about our business. A few minutes later, Doofus pops up! Apparently having suffered a decent beating at the hands of Kile, he fled back to his lifestone…but it was not a decent ENOUGH of a beating…

He runs at Blade. Blade stiff arms him. One shot. He’s dead.

You say, “Heh heh heh – loot his body and drop a couple of red tapers on it for me!”

At this point, we all collapse in a pile of laughter. Ah, summer fun! I proposed to Blade on the spot, but amazingly enough, not only can she drop idiots with one blow, but she actually has a permanent enchantment of Hunk-a-Hunk-a-Burning-Love-Kwip Resistance VI on her; because she doesn’t accept. Quite alright, of course – it just wouldn’t work out. Death is such a jealous bastard.

So all-in-all, the day wasn’t a _complete_ loss. I actually got my next level whilst examining my companions (it turns out that trying to snatch a glimpse of Ozar’s sexy legs under her armor is worth boo-koo experience), I gained a new found respect and love for Kile and Blade; I think they should get married and adopt me. We all had several good laughs at Doofus’ expense. And Death got a little vacation.

Death says, “Ha! If you can call 5 minutes a vacation!”

You sigh.

15 Jun 2000