It’s About Time Dereth Had a Facelift!

It’s raining blood, hallelujuah, it’s raining blood, wo-ah-oh!

Okay, so I never get to be a Dixie Chick (thank Harry for that). But still, the changes to the world are COOOOOOOL! Sheesh, if Mmenoch Blood ain’t walking around talking shit right now, something’s terribly wrong. If it started raining kwip from the sky, I’d be the most smack-talking mofo you could imagine (not that I have any idea of what raining kwip would look like, but still, you get the gist). “See? SEE? I’m so friggin’ favored, the damn sky rains my name! What you got to brag about, be-yatch?” But the red seas and blood rain are great fun! And I’m not just saying that because I’m a psychotic maniac who dreams of bloody rain falling from the sky.

Death says, “No, you dream of being Wilma Flintstone!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”

But I was thinking, hey, Dereth needed a facelift. Let’s face it: happy bunnies frolicking around, pleasent scarecrows dotting the landscape. Hell, if one of the friggin’ Teletubbies had come skipping over the hill, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But with my luck…

Dipsy says, “Cruath Quasith”
Dipsy casts Imperil VI on you!
You say, “Sonofa…”
Po gores you for 35 points of damage!
You say, “Ouch! Dammit, get off me, you little bastards!”
Po says, “Bleh theth muh dug thid!”
You say, “What the hell is that you’re muttering?”
Tinky Winky smashes you for 29 points!
You say, “Ow, dammit! Stop hitting me with that purse, you queen!”
Tinky Winky says, “Brth thep blah blah!”
You say, “What? Your mama, girlboy!”
Laa Laa smashes you for 28 points of damage!
You say, “Bitch! You throw that ball at me one more time and there’s gonna be trouble!”
Dipsy smites you with that weird phallic thing on top of his head so hard you find yourself oddly aroused!
You say, “Ewwwww….”

Okay, so maybe that was a bit more graphic than I needed to be, but you get the idea. The fact is, Dereth’s been getting soft. It’s being colonized. Sooner or later, some poof would show up wanting to set up a strip mall in the Arwic Crater, and that would mark the end of civilization as we know it. So I, for one, am down with the great and powerful Mr. B showing up to wreck havoc!

Mr. Briefcase says, “Who, me?”
You say, “Errr…no, no – another Mr. B.”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Another? Oh, so I guess my buffs aren’t good enough for you anymore.”
You say, “No, no, it’s just that…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Who showed you your hunting grounds?”
You say, “You did. But it’s not that, it’s…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Who helped you learn your best spells?”
You say, “You did. But I was talking about…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “And who was it that rescued you repeatedly from ubervitae?”
You say, “You did! But I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about the Hopeslayer, the Bringer of Destruction, the Dark Lord!”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Oh. You talking about your Battle Faeries again?”
You say, “Hell yeah! My Faeires 0\/\/|\|!”

Sooooo…here we have the sky dark and brooding, the landscape charred, the seas turned to blood, and blood raining from the sky. Now THAT’S Christmas, baby! None of this “let’s put some tinsel on the trees” nonsense! The only thing you’ll see hanging from the trees now is your entrails, foolio! Woot! A lot of people on your shopping list? How about the gift that keeps on giving – vitae! Heh heh heh. I think the shops should sell giftwrapping. Then you could take all that crappy loot you find, wrap it up in pretty tinsel and wrapping paper, and give it to your ungrateful bastich vassals to shut them up! Hee hee hee…

But it is the Christmas season, and as such, everyone is looking to pleasentries and niceness. Well, except on Darktide. From what I keep getting told, some big guild war is shaping up. People keep /telling me and writing me letters, asking who I’m ‘aligned’ with. Pshaw. I’ve been killed by someone from almost every allegiance in Dereth so far, including the Straw Drudges Union. Think I care what they’re doing to each other? Besides, I’ve got Isaac. Do you honestly think I could ally myself with anyone with that guy running around? He’s like that psychotic big brother you had growing up who went around denting your neighbor’s mailboxes with his forehead. Sure, I wanted to have friends in the neighborhood, but it was tough when you’d go to play army with someone in their backyard and a constant “BANG BANG BANG” came echoing from the front of their house…okay, actually, it’s nothing like that at all, just thought I’d share a moment from my childhood with you all….

13 Dec 2000

That’s What Friends Are For, Woah-Woah-Wo-ah

Time for a pop quiz:

Hunting with Kwip is an excellent way:
A) to bond with him and be his friend.
B) to wind up the subject of one of his stories.
C) to see up-close and personal the habits of a skilled veteran warrior.
D) to get dead! What the hell are you, stupid or something? We’re talking about KWIP!!!

If you chose ‘A,’ you are a silly, silly person. Well, unless you’re a superpowerful buff monster. In which case, I love you, I really, really do. If you chose ‘B,’ you merely need to get a life. If you chose ‘C,’ you are a blathering idiot. Calling me a ‘skilled veteran warrior’ is like calling Gillian Anderson a ‘ugly smelly female impersonator’ – in certain circles, this is enough to get you killed.

I have friends, though, who like to follow me around and laugh at my misfortune. I don’t blame them; hell, that’s what I write most of my stories about. But you have to know that sooner or later, being around me is going to take it’s toll…

It’s like cross-dressing: sure, it may be fun to hang out with ‘the girls’ sometimes, but when it comes down to serious adventure, you need…er…wait wait wait, ignore that analogy. Let’s try this one: it’s like going to work drunk: sure, it provides you with endless entertainment, but sooner or later, someone’s gonna get hurt, and then there’s gonna be lawsuits, name-calling, and terrible practical jokes (I mean, come on, who hasn’t vomited in their boss’s desk drawer once or twice?).

On this occassion, two of my…*cough* loyal vassals *cough*, Warlokk and Kampahn, decided to hunt with me. Not that there’s anything wrong with this: an archer can be a good addition to any hunting team – we can sometimes pull in monsters that mages have a hard time with, we can do decent damage on the approach, and with a good shopping trip beforehand, most of us are pretty self-sufficient. This is true with a normal archer.

But we are talking about ME.

It is a well-known fact that I suck, and tend to be rather simple-minded about things. Say, for example, I see a new monster I’ve never seen before. Like, oh, I dunno – a diamond golem? Now, normal people would have a little conversation in their minds that goes like this:

“Wow, a Diamond Golem! I’ve never seen one of those before!”
“I wonder if I can hit it?…”
“No, that’s a terrible idea! Of course you won’t be able to, and furthermore, you’d be jeapordizing your friends’ lives!”
“Right, right, what was I thinking. Oh, well, guess I’ll get a screenshot and send it off to my friends.”

However. I believe it has been briefly mentioned that I am far, far, FAR from what most people consider ‘normal.’ So a conversation in my mind looks more like this:

“Hey, shut up. Look at that over there!”
“Asshole! Shut up and look!”
“Ooooh! A shiny thing! Let’s have sex with it!”
(My lawyer has informed me that I should mention that my urges to copulate with every shiny thing I see are, in fact, signs of a deep-rooted trauma from my childhood, and have nothing at all to do with the time I saw Gillian Anderson dressed up in a shiny alien costume; so if she would promise to drop the charges, I promise not to come around her house anymore carrying a giant roll of aluminum foil.)

But there we are, and there it is. Just standing there, all shiny like, in all it’s 238 billionth level glory. This calls for a quick inter-party conference:

You say to your fellowship, “Wow! A diamond golem! Let’s attack it!”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Are you INSANE? Did you notice it’s stats and level?”
Kampahn says to your fellowship, “Wait, this is Kwip you’re talking to. Of COURSE he’s insane…”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Well, put that bad idea up to a vote – any in favor of attacking that monster that would certainly one-shot the lot of us, say ‘aye’.”
Kampahn says to your fellowship, “No friggin’ way. Give me a few DOZEN more levels and I’ll think about it.”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Ok, good thing that’s settled. Now then…”
You say to your fellowship, “Wow, look how fast that thing runs!”
Your fellow Warlokk has died!
You say to your fellowship, “Erm…heh. Whoops?”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Oh, Kwi-ip? Would you come back here for a sec?”
You say to your fellowship, “Sure! What can I do for ya?”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “I think there’s something wrong with my wand. Look down the end of it – notice anything?”
You say to your fellowship, “Hold on – hmmm, looks like something’s glowing down there – let me get a closer look.”
Warlokk says, “ZOJAK QUARETH!”
Warlokk blows off your head!
Kampahn drop kicks it through the field goals!

Ah, friends. This is like one of those ABC After School specials, isn’t it? Needless to say, we all learned a valuable lesson this day: Warlokk and Kampahn learned that hunting with me is a terribly bad idea, and I learned… er… something about Diamond Golems… er… hey, they’re shiny, aren’t they…. mmmmmmmm…. aluminum foil… Excuse me, I have to be going now…

07 Dec 2000


Man, I’ve been slacking this month. Hell yeah, I’m aware of it. Hell no, I don’t care. Heh.

It’s this whole new world of actually being able to do stuff that’s throwing me for a loop, you understand. Where it used to be my adventures consisted solely of dying a lot in really, really interesting ways, now I’ve found that I can actually kill some big stuff like Iron Golems and get phat xp off of them. Not to mention the more xp I get, the more I can boost my magic skills, and that means new spells to research. Okay, who am I kidding – research for me consists of firing up Splitpea and trying to figure out how that damn program works. For the life of me, I think it’s telling me that the components for “Summon Portal” are as follows: Silver Scarab, Grey Taper, Hyssop, Fuzzy Pink Taper, Ground Hamburger, Zima, Spam Talisman. Needless to say, I still can’t get that damn spell. Sigh.

So everyone keeps writing to me asking my thoughts on Bael’zharon or whatever the hell his name is. *shrug* I guess I basically think of him as any other soul-sucking, evil, mean, corrupting, heartless, unintelligent, alien life form: if he gets elected to the White House, things are apt to be decidedly un-fun for us. Maybe I should go interview him for an article…that might be fun. Heh.

So what’s this deal with the alchemy and fletching? I think I need to hire a mule to make me uber arrows. As it is now, I’ve been tying chicken feathers to sticks with pointy ends. People keep telling me that this will never ever work, but what the hell do they know? They also said that you couldn’t seduce a Panumbris shadow! Ha! And we all know who’s boss of THAT little arena, eh?

So I’ve been spending a lot of time researching spells. And being the complete absent-minded foolio I pride myself on being, I routinely leave myself staring off into space while flipping through the volumonous information in SplitPea. I was the sort of kid in high school that made a big production of yawning during tests, then dropping my pencil, then using that opportunity to bend down to pick it up and also open my textbook to try and look up the answer. I always got caught. Usually because I kept asking the teacher what page the information was on…

Buffing sucks. It’s a great deal of fun DE-buffing, but it takes me about 3 years to just buff up with my wimpy lvl III’s. By the time I finally get to my last buff, my first buff has worn off, so I start the whole process all over again. To one of the monsters, this just HAS to be obvious…
Kwip says, “Okay, there he is. Big dumb golem. Let me buff.”
Kwip says, “Malar Eoli”
Kwip says, “Malar Hafeth”
Kwip says, “Crossbow mastery? What the hell good is that?”
Kwip says, “Malar Caril”
Kwip says, “Puish Zharil”
Kwip says, “Malar Casith”
Kwip giggles.
Kwip says, “This is gonna ROCK! Hee hee hee.”
Kwip says, “Malar Luja”
Kwip says, “Weapon Expertise? Hrmm…Yeah, that must make me an expert with my weapon. Yeah, cool!”
Kwip says, “Malar Hafeth”
Kwip says, “Oh, dang blast it. Stupid devilmouse thing.”
Kwip says, “Puish Zharil”
Kwip says, “Malar Hatik”
Kwip says, “Malar Cavik”
Granite Golem says to your fellowship, “Ugh ugh Kwip ugh ugh behind rock.”
Iron Golem says to your fellowship, “Ugh ugh me smash.”
Kwip says, “What’s that noise?”
Kwip shrieks like a girl.
Iron Golem smites Kwip so hard the lifestone flinches!

And so on and so on. But somebody tell me this: what the hell good is a granite heart? I’ve tried mixing it with stuff, painting it, putting little bells on it, eating it, jumping up and down on it, smacking Warchild upside his head with it…nothing seems to work! Although maybe I should try smacking Warchild with it a few more times…

27 Nov 2000

Cut It Out, Freakos…

I would’ve written more, but I was busy O\/\/|\|-ing some Iron Golems!!!! Hell, yeah I’m bad! Skillz like this deserve an announcement!

You say, “Attention Uziz! I would like to make an announcement!”

Trai dissolves you for 45 points!

You say, “Ouch! Sonofabitchquititthathurts!”

You say, “As I was saying: I will no longer be considered to suck!”

Your last strength dissolves before Trai!

Because you completely SUCK, you’ve been granted a respite because you SUCK so SUCKILY bad! Suckwad!

You’ve lost a sucky bow, some sucky jewelry, a completely SUCK shirt, and your underwear. Jerk.

I’ve definitely noticed a change in the game since I spoke out against Microsoft, I must admit….

The weird thing now for people to do to me is to pledge to me. Before it was just throw their panties at me, but now pledging is in order. Anywhere, anytime.

You say, “Nyah nyah, can’t catch me!”

Thug nicks you for 4 points of damage.

You say, “Okay, so THAT time you caught me, but it was crappy damage. Girl.”

You evaded Thug!

Jak O Shadows swears his loyalty to you!

You evaded Thug!

You say, “Wait a sec, what the hell was that?”

Thug smites you so hard the lifestone flinches!

You sigh.

And that’s not the worst part of it: the worst part is these snot-nosed new vassals that get all confused and PK me BEFORE they pledge to me, thus denying me the almighty xp I should be getting (yes, Kampahn and Warlokk, I’m looking at you two!). Some people’s PKs, I’ll tell ya.

But apparently, my new-found status of being a monarch is confusing the hell out of people. I routinely return to Uziz, only to encounter more surprises then the time I typed “evil hypocritical nazi bastard” into a search engine and five seconds later a campaign supporter for George W. Bush called me. But I digress…

So-and-So tells you, “need a patron”

You tell So-and-So, “lol”

See, this used to be funny the first twenty times someone said it to me. Now I just humor them. But it turns out this was for real…

So-and-So tells you, “4 real, need a patron?”

You tell So-and-So, “No, go away.”

Jim Bob tells you, “hey neede a patron?”

Jim Bob tells you, “im good 2 archrs”

Billy Bob tells you, “yo, want a patron”

You say, “What the hell…have I been gone that long?”


So-and-So tells you, “lol – seriusly, need a patron?”

You sigh.

I think it’s a concentrated effort to drive me insane, personally. It used to be the mid-level gimps just looking to expand their xp whoring brat packs. But now that I’m an almighty Monarch, I believe it’s those nice little numbers appearing that are making the higher levels (well, like 30-40; I mean, I’m still Kwip, and even some prehistoric man who can’t even speak will sit down in front of a computer after taking time out of his busy schedule of rubbing two sticks together to grunt “Ugh Ugh Ugh,” which, roughly translated, means “Man, Kwip sucks – what the hell kind of template did he use?”) take a look at me and say, “Oh, now THAT’s the kind of person I want under me! He’s… well, he’s… he’s got vassals! Hey, I wonder if I could stop the blender with my tongue?”

So, to summarize:

    Yes, I’m the Kwip whose site you’ve heard something about.

  • No, I do not want a patron.
  • Yes, you are funny, ha ha, I’ve never heard THAT joke before.
  • No, you cannot write a column for me.
  • I’ll update my site when bastards like you leave me alone, piss off.
  • Yes, I’m still that low of a level.
  • No, you cannot pledge to me, you don’t know how to spell. Go read my rules.
  • Yes, I’m getting your tells, but considering I’m still in the tunnel to enter the damn world, I don’t feel like replying to you until I’ve ground up some brown beans and mixed them with my milk (and when the hell is Dereth gonna get coffee beans, anyway? Someone call Starbucks!).
  • No, I am not Warchild’s illegitimate father.
  • No, I’m not his mother either, bastard.
  • Yes, I’m still dying.
  • Yes, a lot.
  • No, I will not come hunt with you.
  • Because you scare me.
  • No, I don’t give a damn if Isaac pk’d you, you probably deserved it. Well, shopping is offensive in some cultures, now stop whining.

Man, if my pathetic ego didn’t live for all this attention, I’d turn on my /notell in a second, you know that?

21 Nov 2000


First off, if you use them, you’re a cheater poo-poo head. Second, if you’ve used them and then decide to ‘share’ them with the rest of us so ‘they will be stopped for the fairness of all,’ you suck ass you arrogant cheater slut. If you’ve been sitting on these things whilst you leveled your ass off and now that it looks like they’re being fixed you decide to share them with us mere mortals so we can partake of them for the whole week they’ll be around, I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your genitals. You arrogant, self-righteous pricks. And then to have the nerve to bitch about how you’re ‘bringing these to the open so they can be fixed because you’re sick of cheating ruining the game’ – you ass face! Grrrr…is it noticeable that these hypocritical sphincter-babies piss me off? Look, I don’t care if you cheat. People who don’t cheat kick my ass, too, and most of the cheats require you to have some level under your belts that I still can’t attain after playing for more than a year. BUT – don’t act all high and mighty now that your little secret is out.

When I first heard that there were some perma-buffs and all that other horsecrap, I thought “Wow, what a load of horsecrap!”. But I’m more imaginative than your average shmoo…

Subject: permabufs?
Author: supah_bad_guy   Date Added: 11:35am (PST)
can som1 hepl me wit thos bufs?? i know peopel know how to do them. thats cheating an shit. thats not fair you fags, you hav 2 share wat u kno to make if fair.


Be still my beating heart…behold! Someone needs my help! I must be off! Now, to any normal person, you may be tempted to make fun of the posters obvious idiocy (known in politcally correct circles as “Anti-Dipshitedness Impaired”™). However, being the kind and compassionate soul I am, I see this person needs love. He needs help. He needs to die many, many times.

So I track down this Bad Guy. Surprise surprise, he’s young. Level 10. Heh. He offers me a mote for my trouble. What do I need with a mote? Well, nothing, but I can’t offer to do this for free or he’d be suspicious (gee, go figure).

Now, if any of you have been through crisis training, you’ll remember the ABC’s of an emergency situation:

A – Assess the situation. I’m meeting someone new. I have to assess the situation.

Killah_bad_guy says, “r u the guy that wrote to me?”
You say, “Ah-ha! Have at you, foul fiend!”
You gore Killah_bad_guy for 23 points!
You smite Killah_bad_guy mightily!
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “wtf man? i thouht you r gona help me?”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “You pk’d me once!”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “i nevr saw u b4 in my life!!!!1”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “You killed one of my vassals!”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “wtf r u talking about?”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “I’m sorry, I have a cold.”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Come on back. I’m supposed to tell you about the perma-buffs, right?”
Kwip waits patiently.
Killah_bad_guy says, “u cool now?”
You say, “AAAAAaaahhh!!! A PK!”
You gore Killah_bad_guy for 31 points of damage!
Killah_bad_guy says, “fukin stop it, asshole!”
You say, “Oh, jeez, sorry. I’m a bit jumpy. I got pk’d a bit ago, and I’m still sore about it.”

Okay, so I lie and I’m going to hell. But if my little ‘escapade’ with my 6th-grade Sunday School teacher and the manure spreader hadn’t already condemned me there, I’m never going…where was I? Oh, yes – perma-buffs. Heh.

You say, “So, you want to learn the perma-buffs.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “hell yea. wat do i need to do?”
You say, “Okay, first you have to complete the ‘quest’ they have in place.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “theres a quest for this?”
You say, “Well, sort of. See, you have to kill this monster by yourself. I can buff you, but you have to take down the monster by yourself.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “ok, wat monster?”
You say, “Now see, that depends on which permabuff you want. The simple ones require bunnies. But the really good ones…”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no i wnat the best one”
Kwip grins.

What have we determined so far? Well, one, that Killah is lazy. Two, that Killah is greedy. And three, that Killah is very, very stupid…now we can move on to the next step in handling a crisis situation:

B – Beat the shit out of your victim (I’m pretty sure this is how they went – First Aid class was a while ago, but I take good notes).

You say, “Okay – are you familiar with all the creatures in Dereth?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no i jus startd a bit ago”
You say, “I see. Well, the first thing we need to do is get you to where you can find the monster you’ll need. Follow me.”

Now, someone out for simple laughs would have just let this poor bastard die repeatedly enroute to our destination. Not so me! For I seek the higher enlightenment, that of amusement for myself AND my loyal readers! In other words, I kept his dumb ass alive during the run. Which wasn’t easy, either! We all know I suck, right? Well, how badly do you suck when KWIP is showing you how to stay alive and buffing you? Sheesh… so after about an hour of running around, I get dumbass to our destination. No, the running around to get there wasn’t really fun. It was really, really annoying. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of what I was gonna do to this guy. I mean, this guy knew nothing. Imagine being on a show like Survivor with your 87-year old grandmother who’s completely senile and fascinated by her navel. Now imagine your ‘task’ is to get your grandmother to assist you building a 27-story hotel complete with presidential suites out of some coconuts and bubble gum. The professor might’ve been able to do that shit, but I was going insane. Finally, we arrive at our destination…Arwic.

You say, “Hoo-kay, my little monkey boy! Are you ready to die like the dog humper you are?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “huh?”
You say, “Exactly!”
You say, “Now, first thing, you have to use the appropriate weapon. Get out your practice axe.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “i dont have that”
You say, “You’re kidding, right?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no”
You say, “Hrmmm…well, your verbal prowess is too much for me. I cannot stand up to that logic.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “what?”
You say, “Shudup shudup shudup: listen, what weapon do you have?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “this”

At this point, he actually handed me his weapon. It was a crappy axe, true, but he gave it to me. The urge to just choke the living shit out of him right there was so overwhelming I almost gave in; but I am made of stronger stuff, I tell you! Making as if this is all part of the buff, I cast a few spells on it. You might have heard of them: Blood Loather III, Leaden Weapon III, and just for fun, Hide Value III (and Kampahn tried to tell me I’d never need that spell – who’s laughing now, wench? Mwuh-ha-ha!). Then I hand the axe back with instructions.

You say, “Okay, quick – run to the tailor over there and buy as many pairs of pants as you can!”

I’ll say this for the little bugger. He listened well. Off he darted on his fashion pursuit.

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “I can only get 20 – they’re pretty heavy, too – is that enough?”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Fine, fine, don’t bother me with details. Now come over to that portal I showed you, the Mt. Pass one.”
Kwip waits patiently.
Killah_bad_guy says, “ok now what”
You say, “Okay, now we have to head up to the mountain pass. I’ll go first to ensure there’s no danger.”

I get up there, and there’s only a few crude monoguas. They’ll never do; they have no sense of humor. I kill them so they don’t pick on my little crumpet. I look around, and find what I’m looking for: a great mattie. Now, timing is everything…

You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Ok, coast is clear, c’mon through!”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “ok coming”
You stab Great Mattekar for 15 points of damage!
Your missle attack hits the environment.
You evade Great Mattekar!
You evade Great Mattekar!
Great Mattekar smites Killah_bad_guy so hard the lifestone flinches!
Killah_bad_guy says, “wtf man, i thougt you said it was clear?!?!111”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Dammit, someone led it right to me. Sorry about that – can you make it back okay?”

Now in my generousity, I had showed dingleberry where the Arwic lifestone was. So I wasn’t worried about him getting too lost. Granted, I never took all the possibilities into consideration…

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “helpp pks pks”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Uh-oh – quick, tell them you’re with me!”
A minute later…
Warlokk tells you, “Hey Kwip, how goes it. Listen, you know some little turd named Killah_bad_guy or something?”
You tell Warlokk, “Howdy. Killah? Nope, never heard of him.”
Warlokk tells you, “Ok, thanks. Have a good one!”
You tell Warlokk, “You too!”

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “dammit i jsut died agin. fukin pks.”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Oh, man, bum deal. You coming back up here?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “yea, but i don’t hav any armor.”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Ah, don’t sweat it. Just get up here.”

A few more minutes pass…

You say, “Well, glad you made it.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “yea thos stupid pks chased me agin”
Killah_bad_guy says, “and what was that thing that killed me?”
You say, “Ah, that was a Mattekar. Deadly monsters, but terrible dancers.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “haha”
You say, “Okay, well, we’re almost finished. You ready for the big challange?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “hell yah”
You say, “Alrighty then. This is what you have to do: I’m going to take you up to a monster.”
You say, “You have to run up to him as fast as you can and hand him your weapon.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no way ti’ll kill me!”

Oh, sure. NOWBraniac wants to show some idea of self-preservation. We can’t have any of that…

C – I don’t remember what C stood for in crisis management, but let’s say it stands for “Convince the dipshit to make a fool of himself!”

You say, “Dude, this is the BUG – get it?”
You say, “Why do think no one else has found out about it? How many people try this?”
You say, “But hey, if you don’t want to do everything for the permabuff, that’s cool. I’ll find someone that will.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no no, sory. it just sounds like bs”
You say, “Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?”
You grin.
Killah_bad_guy says, “ok, wheres the monster? and what kind is it?”
You say, “Follow me.”
You say, “Ah, there it is.
Killah_bad_guy says, “That drudge?”
You say, “Yup, that’s him. Just hand him your weapon; when he hands it back, you’re perma-buffed!”
Killah_bad_guy says, “stalker, i neveer saw one of those drudges before”
You say, “Hey, it’s a drudge, right? You aren’t scared of a drudge, are you?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “ha, no way i kiled like 10 of thos things in a row once”
You say, “Well, there you go then! Listen, I’ve got to boogy – how about that mote now?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “i dont have one now but ill give u 1 as soon as i get one”
You say, “Oh, you lied to me! The agony! I feel so betrayed!”
Killah_bad_guy says, “look man, dont be a dick about it. i’ll get you one.”
Kwip weeps.
You say, “What is this world coming to? No, go on your way, using the secret I have so freely given.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “whatever”

That’s it, really. I went on my way from that point and don’t know what happened…

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “hey man, it atatacked me and one-shotted me before i could even get close ot it!”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “You’re not doing it right. You have to get close right away.”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “it killed me again!”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Oh, make sure you approach it in peace mode…”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “that didn’t work either. maybe if i try the other one, the raver one”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “damn, lost my axe”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “can you help me get my body back?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “you still on”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “was i supposed to do something with all those pants?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “hey”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “help?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “i got killed agin”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “u lied to me, didn’t u”
You have squelched Killah_bad_guy.

30 Oct 2000

A Kwip proposal…

Now, the big thing to keep in mind here is that I can’t do anything small. Even the simplest of acts, like, oh, I dunno – shopping? – leaves me gasping with vitae and a rant to write. So something this monumental had to be marked with elaborate scheming. I mean, after all, how many times am I gonna get to do this in my life? Five or six at best? (No, no, honest, I’m kidding Kwipette my love; please put down that dagger…)

Where was I…ah, yes. THE PLAN. The original plan had been to just out and out pop the question at a romantic getaway we had scurried off to. But a close friend of mine pointed out that not only was that boring, but probably wouldn’t work. No, he suggested, for this to work, you’ve got to make her afraid of something WORSE than marrying you!

I suggested leprosy, but wiser minds won out.

After months of planning (that’s not an exaggeration), I had assembled my team of players:

Old army buddy:

Johnny Arkham
Dr. Sexy

Chase Car Crew:
Mrs. Kampahn

Gaming Point posse:
Yellow Rat Bastard (YRB)
Phillip Ian
Darth Hoff
Loud Carl

I had reserved the place it was going down, and had all the guests in place. Now…ACTION!

The evening starts of quiet enough. Kwipette got stuck working till 9pm that evening (which of course worked perfect for me, cause I could run around getting everything set up). She gets home around 10, and we visit for a little bit. I have told her that an old Military Intelligence buddy of mine is coming to town – I have also spent a few weeks before this hinting of how crazy this friend was, how he often revealed top secret info to me, and how he had previously almost gotten me in serious trouble.

11pm rolls around, and we boogy out to the bar that we’re meeting my friend in front of – important note here, we’re meeting that friend in FRONT of the bar, not IN the bar – why is that important? Read on: We’re standing out front, awaiting my friend. Suddenly, my friend (Mike) comes running up to me, carrying a large briefcase. I reach my hand out to shake his hand, and he slaps a handcuff on my wrist that’s firmly attached to the briefcase.  Kwipette and I stare in bewilderment at him as he stammers, “Kwip, I’m in serious trouble. Whatever you do, don’t open that briefcase! Don’t go to the police! Go to Yellow Rat Bastard’s – I’ll call you later there!” and then takes off up the alley.

Kwipette and I share a stunned look at each other. Can this really be happening? At that moment, a sedan rolls slowly by us. The men inside are all wearing dark suits, straight out of some bad 70s spy flick. The man in the passenger compartment is looking right at us, talking on a cell phone. Kwipette, being the cool-headed chica she is, panics and drags me over to a doorway. We are completely flustered – she tells me she’s sure those men were looking right at us. We decide we should get out of there, but not go directly to YRBs (He owns a gaming shop in town that many of us frequent). Instead we’ll drive around a bit, in case we’re being followed.

For those of you wondering, the men in the sedan were the “G-men” team (the driver was Kampahn). Parked nearby us was the “chase” vehicle that held a driver, a camera-woman, and a radio operator that was in contact with the G-men, telling them where we were each step of the way. Hee hee – did I mention I do nothing on a small scale?

So we drive around in an attempt to loose any pursuers (funny thing here is that we had to do this anyway to give the G-men time to get to Yellow Rat Bastard?s, but since Kwipette suggested it, it worked out perfectly!). As we approach YRBs, we see the G-men’s vehicle parked outside with its flashers going. Two of the G-men are out front of the building, one talking on the cellphone. Kwipette sees them and warns me, urgently telling me to keep going past YRBs. We do.

After a few more minutes of driving around, we come to the conclusion that if the G-men were leaving Yellow Rat Bastard?s, it would be a good place to lay low, because they already checked there. We park up the street, and Kwipette scopes the area out (since she doesn’t have a large briefcase handcuffed to her wrist, we thought she might look a tad less conspicuous than I).

The coast is clear. We duck into YRBs. Inside, there are several of our friends, including Phillip Ian. Phil has just gotten a new toy – a digital video camera – which he is showing off to everyone. Somehow, in the confusion, he just forgets to stop taping and records the rest of our time at YRBs…heh…

Our friends ask us what sort of trouble we’re in. Why, we ask. It seems that two men in dark suits just appeared, flashing some sort of IDs and looking for us and another person…

We make our way to the back of the shop and duck down at a table. Kwipette is admonishing me to keep the briefcase down out of sight of the passing cars on the street. We spend the next 15 minutes or so discussing what sort of trouble my friend Mike could be in. Kwipette is not certain that the men following us are government agents – she thinks they may be foreign agents, or maybe just mercenaries working for someone. During this conversation, I do my best to subtly feed her fears and make funny faces at the camera without her noticing.

The phone rings – its Mike. He refuses to answer any questions, instead insisting that I meet him about two blocks away at a local park. In that park there is an overpass. He says he’ll meet us there. Kwipette states that we should not take the car, as “they” may be looking for it. We duck out of YRBs, taking back streets and alleyways to the park.

At this point, the chase crew is parked across from the park, filming the whole thing.

We begin following the path through the park. As we approach the overpass from below, we see Mike already on it. He waves to us. As we approach, he turns and seems to notice a car approaching him. He begins walking quickly, and drops a keychain over the railing to the path below. We see a car pull up next to him, and two of the G-men get out. Mike puts his hands up in the air and is forced into the car. The G-men appear to drive off. I tell Kwipette that I think Mike dropped something; maybe the keys to the briefcase. I tell her to stay put while I go get them.

Now, truth be told, I didn’t see him drop a DAMN thing – we were too far away! But I knew the script, so I cheated… But when I got up there, heck if I could find them. I must’ve spent five minutes pawing at the ground, digging around for them. This may not sound like a lot of time, but when you’re running as tight a schedule as I was, it was a nightmare! Plus, the chase crew wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing, and they were clueing in the G-men for the next scene, so it was just chaos…

I finally found the keys. Kwipette and I went to leave the park, but saw the G-men?s car approaching from that direction. We took off the opposite way, which leads to an independent film theater run by our friends (the same friends that claimed earlier in the week that they were closing early tonite, and that they’ve been having trouble with the door locks, so the doors wouldn’t always stay locked…see how deep this goes?). As we approach the theater, I tell Kwipette that we can duck inside the theater to hide – and that I’ve got to see what’s in this briefcase.

At this point, disaster damn near strikes. YRB and the other idiots (yes, Anson, that means you) were supposed to leave YRBs shop right after us and get to the theater before us. But this group, comprised of people that have lived in this city their whole life, manages to get lost. Going two blocks away, they get lost. Sigh…anyway, as we round the corner, I see them just getting to the theater. I grab Kwipette and drag her back. I tell her I thought I saw someone. She says, “Who?”

I, being the brilliant and quick-on-my-feet-genius, say, “Uhhh…people. Hold on a second.” I peek around the corner and see that Fiddle Dee and Dumber have made it into the theater and are safely out of sight. Phew.

The coast is clear – we sneak up to the theater, and after a strong pull on the doors, they give way. We enter in to darkness – but by the dim light coming in from outside, I see a couple of heads peeking up in the back. Grabbing Kwipette, I drag her to the front of the theater before she can notice them. She is COMPLETELY spooked. I fumble with the keys and manage to get the case open just as the theater lights come up. Kwipette stares around her in amazement; in the theater are all of our family and friends. The only thing inside the case is a diamond ring. I pull it out, get down on one knee, and pop the question. True to ceremony, we both begin crying – me, from the great release of stress that I’ve had since this thing began; her, no doubt from the thought of being doomed to spend the rest of her life with me.

She says yes, and the audience erupts into applause, cheers, and moans of, “Oh, that poor girl!”

So yup, I’m a bastard. Pretty evil in my scheming. But DAMN, this was the most incredible thing I’ve ever done, and it WORKED!!!! PERFECTLY!!! After this, I fully expect the CIA to be contacting me to arrange schemes for them…

So that’s it. We then spent a great deal of effort on eating, drinking and being merry.

20 Oct 2000

Weeeee! I’m a Monarch!


I’m a Monarch!

Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either, but it seems there are people that actually wanted to swear to me. I think it was some sort of pity contest; they felt that since it was obvious I couldn’t pull my own way out of the vitae-no-leveling quaqmire I’ve been stuck in, they would help. Hey, it’s free xp for me, so I don’t care.

First, Isaac offers to pledge for me. Now, those of you who don’t know Isaac, I’ve got a feeling you will sometime soon. I don’t know who’s the better power-leveler between him and PMS Rage, but it’s damn close. Anyway, he’s like the Enegizer bunny of vassals. That guy has given me like 100K xp, and my leadership is like 9. Get the picture? He’s just plain kooky. But I get ahead of myself…

So we decide to meet. I’m waiting for Isaac in Lytlethorpe, goofing off with another new vassal of mine, Wez da Fez. We have a small throwing cup competition that goes something like this:

His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
Wez da Fez bashes you for 43 points of bludgeoning damage!
You say, “Oooooooooowwwwwwwww!!!!!!”
Kwip falls down, clutching his bleeding nose.
You say, “Bleedy nose! Bleedy nose!”
Wez da Fez giggles.
Wez da Fez says, “Wow, that was cool. Wait, I think I’ve got a plate in my pack, too…”
You cry, “Nnnooooooo!”

So then we spend some time trying to figure out how to jump from the Advocate tower into a nearby tree. About then, a couple of blips show up. Of course, I can’t remember their names.

Nameless guy says, “Peace.”
You take 8 points of impact damage!
You say, “Damn, Wez, you moved that tree! I almost had it that time!”
Wez da Fez says, “What are you talking about, crack baby? You were like off by a mile!”
Nameless guy says, “hey – peace?”
You say, “What? Yeah, whatever; we’re doing something important here, don’t bug us.”
Wez da Fez says, “Oh, I’ve got an idea. Try jumping backwards, that might do it.”
Nameless guy wanders around.
You say, “Backwards? Oh, now you are on drugs. Nobody can jump into a tree backwards!”
Wez da Fez says, “Jackie Chan could do it!”
You say, “Jackie Chan doesn’t count.”
Nameless guy begins buffing.
Wez da Fez says, “Why not?”
You say, “Cause Jackie Chan’s not a mortal, stupid.”
Wez da Fez tells you, “Hey, that guys buffing. Think he’ll attack?”
You tell Wez da Fez, “Probably.”
Wez da Fez tells you, “So what do we do, oh Monarch of mine?”
You tell Wez da Fez, “What’s this ‘we’ shit, peon? I expect you to throw your life down in defense of your Lord and Master!”
Wez da Fez giggles.
Wez da Fez says, “Jackie Chan is too mortal, jackass. Just a very, very talented mortal.”
You say, “Listen, Da Vinci was ‘talented’; Jackie Chan’s bionic!”
Wez da Fez tells you, “That guys’ coming up the tower to attack.”
You tell Wez da Fez, “Ok – you engage him and I’ll pick him off!”
Wez da Fez tells you, “Yeah, I see THAT happening!”

And then we were in the midst of combat! Fighting for our lives, weapons flying, battle cries ringing out through the morning air…

You say, “Ouch! You hit me, stupid!”
Wez da Fez says, “Hey, at least I hit someone. You keep shooting arrows over the side of the damn tower!”
You say, “I’m laying down cover fire!”

Being no dummy, I leapt off the tower. I’ll be sodded if I’m waiting for that melee prick to finish off the little Fez gimp and turn his sights on me…

Of course, Fez immediately dies, sacrificing himself for his Monarch. As it should be. Heh.

Dingleberry then decides to jump off the tower to get me. Of course, being the favorite of Microsoft that I am, he starts doing this great lag-bounce that gives me like three shots at him. Hee hee.

So I’ve got him hurt pretty well, and he decides discretion is the better part of getting owned by Kwip, so he runs off to heal. Not far enough, mind you, and I miraculously manage to hit him off of radar! I’m so cool…

But now he’s back up to full health and comes charging in. My stamina is low, my buffs wear off, and above all else, I suck. So I’m eyeing up the lifestone nearby.

Ta-da! Isaac has arrived to save the day! A sparkle of a hollow weapon (or something w/ kooky effects, I’m not sure what it was), and Isaac has Dingleberry running for his life. Round and round the tower they run, as I casually make my way back to the top. Finally, at the climactic moment, Dingleberry decides to make his stand against Isaac: he turns, brings his weapons to bear, and…
I shoot him in the back! I R00LZ! Hee hee hee…TMO!

Now I’ve got a new charge: Isaac. We sit around giggling and tee-heeing, and Darwin Galenste shows up to give me fun presents! My luck is changing, I tell you.

Of course, at that point, while playing with some of the thrown weapons, I get one-shotted by a cup. Sigh.

Anyway, now we get down to some serious mischief. Darwin’s got all sorts of fun stuff (which he shows off by one-shotting Isaac, much to Isaac’s dismay, hee hee). But Isaac returns to us, and we sit around figuring out what mayhem to wreck (no, not WRACK, she’s a different rant). Unfortunately, Isaac, having the short attention span that he does, is constantly distracted by having to run off and kill anyone that gets near us. Which is pretty damn funny, I have to tell you. We’re sitting there, talking amongst ourselves…

Isaac says, “if you kill me with one of those”
Darwin Galenste says, “Vig gave me those”
Darwin Galenste says, “80frost shookies”
Isaac says, “Im gonna cry”
Isaac says, “in rl”
Darwin Galenste says, “he gave em to me in Holt :)”

And suddenly a newb spawns in front of us. No sooner did he appear than Isaac is after him. But Darwin has other plans:

Darwin Galenste says, “NooooOooOOOo!”
Darwin Galenste says, “dont!”
Darwin Galenste says, “i gotta train”
Darwin Galenste says, “Pax”
Darwin Galenste says, “gimme quarrels”
Darwin Galenste says, “if you wanna live ;)”
You say, “ROFLOL”
Darwin Galenste says, “and a red taper”
Paxola says, “im new relax on me for a while”
You say, “LOLOLOL”
Darwin Galenste says, “hehehe jk quarrels will be fine :)”
Darwin Galenste says, “well well now i dont have all day!”
You say, “Oh, god, that’s too funny”
Darwin Galenste says, “surely you have 20 quarrels hmm?”
You say, “Tell him to get bent, Pax!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “tut tut”
Darwin Galenste says, “dont listen to him!”
You say, “Kick his ass, Pax!”
Darwin Galenste says, “hes a fool!”
You say, “You can take him, Pax!”
Darwin Galenste says, “you dont wanna be a Pax-on-a-stick now him?”
Darwin Galenste says, “hmm?”
You say, “He’s a big girly!!!!”
You say, “Kick him in the nads!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “gimme quarrels and everyone will be just fine”
Darwin Galenste says, “teehee”
Darwin Galenste says, “well well”
Darwin Galenste says, “youve got 10 seconds mister!”
You say, “No way, Pax, he’s EVIL”
Darwin Galenste says, “9”
You say, “Nibble his bum!”
Darwin Galenste says, “ah screw this”
Blistered by Darwin Galenste’s lightning, Paxola dies!
Darwin Galenste says, “hes not cooperative”
Kwip falls down laughing…
You suffer 15 points of heavy impact damage
Darwin Galenste says, “OMG!!! ”
Darwin Galenste says, “i wanted one of those for such a long time!”
Darwin Galenste says, “Training hall key!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “to go with my Calling stone”
Darwin Galenste says, “i still have it :::)”

At this point, I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying and can’t see. I decide to lay down until I recover my composure.

You suffer 11 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Isaac! Stop jumping on my head!”
You suffer 9 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Hey! Is that any way to treat a patron!”
You suffer 12 points of massive impact damage
Isaac says, “Im sorry master, did I distrub your rest?”
You say, “Ha, you missed! Er….”
You suffer 13 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Nyah, nyah, missed me”
You suffer 12 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Okay, that time you got lucky.”
Darwin Galenste says, “i cant BELIEVE this”
Darwin Galenste says, “they have arrows, but no quarrels!”
Isaac says, “damn”
You say, “sounds like a plot”
Darwin Galenste says, “thats just crossbowman discrimination!”

Well, there our fun had to end. It was late, Kwipette was calling, and I had enough vitae from our adventures to last a few weeks. So our heroes struck a pose for the adoring cameras and bid each other a fond farewell.

Isaac says, “Hey Darwin, bet I can one-shot Kwip before you can!”
You weep.

17 Oct 2000

Gah! Get with it, Zone Devils!


Dammit, but I’m pissed! Who am I pissed at, you ask, oh mighty Kwip followers? None other than those I have previously supported: Microsoft!

Yes, it has come to pass that now the beanies at Microsoft must feel my wrath. See, I have no problem with the game going down: I understand that there are sometimes hardware glitches, software bugs, gremlins that have eaten after midnite, employees like Wrack…I have NOOOOOO problem understanding this! Sometimes, the game goes down. Does it occur often? No, not in the grand scheme of things. Does it bother me that much when it does? Not really, I understand these things happen. So what am I upset about, you ask?


Forgive the harsh language, but holy Buddha on a popsicle stick! What the hell is so hard about sending out emails every time there’s a problem with the zone, then sending more out when the site comes back up? Hell, you have no trouble spamming me with stupid shit about how the latest cool game can be played on the zone, if only I’d give you more money. WHAT THE HELL IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT KEEPING A CUSTOMER INFORMED? You can even make it optional! People who don’t like any sort of mass-mailing can disable the ‘notify of zone trouble’ flag in their profile.

If that just proves WAY too difficult, then let’s keep it simple: A MESSAGE ON THE SITE SAYING WHY THE ZONE IS DOWN AND WHEN YOUR BEST GUESS IS FOR IT TO RETURN!

For Harry’s sake, I’m a patient bastard, but you people are too much. Why is this so difficult? I KNOW I’m not the first person to have ranted like this. Just put a little server pull on every page header for the zone, and have it pull in a text file with the zone status – something which Earl the Janitor can change. I don’t even care if it’s spelled correctly! Give me a message that reads “tHe z0|\|3 is phuked up now D00DZ cuz |3ILL G@T3Z spilled coffee down the server – it’ll be back in like 2 hurs”! I’ll be happy! I’ll see that message, realize, “Oh, sorry Kwip old chap, looks like you’re off to the drudge mines for this lunch break instead of having fun” and go about my business. I might say ‘Darn’ or ‘Gosh’ or even ‘Cock-smoking hermaphroditic Jezzadrudge!’ But I won’t be as angry as if I sit here for fifteen minutes trying to figure out why the hell the Zone keeps telling me I have the wrong password and then trying to perform a Vulcan mind-meld to the zone to figure out if the problem is on my end or your server!

Sigh…look, I love you people. I really, really do. I realize that you’re doing a terribly difficult job, and that no one seems to be happy with what you do. Everyone’s bitching at you, no one seems satisfied. But take a look at the little things you can do to make everyone’s life a little easier, ok? Push the logic button! That way your customers get to be happy, you get to be happy, and I get to go back to the important business of dying gorily to passing idiots wearing mosswart masks…

11 Oct 2000

How To Make Friends

I love people…

So when we last left our intrepid hero, I was running all over the damn place trying desperately to figure out where I was…and I’m STILL there. Oh, I TRIED to get someplace new. Coloss Ian invited me to join him at one of the Luggie spots. I figured, what the hell, it’s a long run, but what else do I have to keep me busy right now?

So off I go, skipping merrily ‘mongst the bushes…screaming bloody murder the whole way…

and so on and so on…

Now, for those of you who forgot or don’t know, let me just remind you: I SUCK. I can’t do very well against monsters, I certainly don’t do well against other players, and I never do well against falling from heights. So my making a 10-click run may not seem very impressive to you, but it was a DAMN fine site to me – I was giddy with excitement as I topped the last rise in my run.

Only to see a red dot swing onto my tail and begin pursuit…

Now, of course this means I’m going to die. I jump, slide, skip and hop, but to no avail. I’m two-shotted back to the lifestone. Of course, I handle this frustration in my normal fashion:

You tell Hemtishi, “I hate you. I really, really hate you. I hope small insects infest your privates.” (And yes, I really did remember his name! Are you guys impressed?)

Now what I failed to take into account was that apparently Hemtishi’s mother, Wrack (Yes! Another name!) was on-line. I’m not exactly sure how she came into this whole conversation, but I believe it went something like this:

Hemtishi says, “Hey mom?”
Wrack says, “Yes dear?”
Hemtishi says, “What does I-N-F-E-S-T mean?”
Wrack says, “Well honey, that’s when a bunch of things live in something else. Kind of like those little bugs that were living in your hair that made us shave your whole body and scour you with acid.”
Hemtishi says, “Oh. How did he know?”
Wrack says, “What, dear?”
Hemtishi says, “Well, its just that I killed this guy Kwip, and he told me, ‘I hate you. I really, really hate you. I hope small insects infest your privates.'”
Wrack says, “Oh, goodness.”
Hemtishi sniffles.
Wrack says, “Now now, dear, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He was probably just playing.”
Hemtishi sobs, “No, he HATES me! You saw what he wrote!”
Wrack says, “There there. I’m sure if he met you, he’d think you were a charming sweet little girl, just like I do!”
Hemtishi wails, “No, he just died, like everyone else I meet! And now he HATES me!”
Wrack says, “Oh, come here and let mommy take care of you! There, there…”

Hee hee. Anyway, a few moments after I send that tell to Hemtishi, I get a tell from Wrack:

Wrack tells you, “quit whineing, fucker”

I was, of course, completely stunned. Heh.

You tell Wrack, “Quiet, slut, lest I come over there and smack you around!”

Well, this was too much for poor Wrack. She just couldn’t cope; not only had I told her precious daughter that I hated her, I had insulted her and talked smack to her! Oh no! Whatever was she to do! Why, the only recourse was to…be really, really clever and come back with a witty insult!

Wrack tells you, “lets see, you hunt lugie citidal and i’m lvling on olthi. stop talking smack, slut”

Yeah, she failed. Cleverness isn’t exactly her forte. And she OBVIOUSLY didn’t know who she was talking to – I mean, let’s face it: I’m such a badass, if I wanted to hunt Olthoi, I’d have me a whole armor of Olthoi hide and the Olthoi Queen would be pouring forth Kwip eggs even as we speak!

Death says, “That is the single most disgusting thing you’ve ever said.”
You say, “Quiet you, I’m being funny here!”

Anyway, back to our story. Wrack, obviously overcome with emotions at her daughter’s distress, is unable to type any more intelligent statements (not that she was waxing eloquently before, mind you), because she then spams me with about 50 “fuck you, slut” messages. And before I could even object to her using my copyrighted insult of “slut” (see, I called her a slut first, so it’s MINE), she squelches me.

Hee hee. See? What started in a frustrating session of pk’ing ended in hours of amusement for me! So nothing is a loss!

Sigh…I swear, I think I’m gonna start my own monarchy. No one has to swear to me or any of that nonsense; we’re just gonna be a big mob of maniacs that run down the people that annoy me. Heh. Of course I have to form a large force, as anyone knows I’d get my ass handed to me repeatedly if I attempted to kill these people myself…

Well, let’s have a little contest! The person who can send me the most screenshots of Wrack’s dead body (not the same shot, either, you cheating bastards! And don’t send me huge-ass files. Shrink them things down to .jpgs; crop out the bits I don’t care about. My mailbox is already filled enough with hate mail from Death.) will win a….er…a mote? Hell, I’d offer more, but that’s the only thing left on my body… Gosh, if this gets her killed even once, I’ll laugh my ass off. Alright all my loyal readers, you want to prove your toughness, Wrack says she can take all of you mooks. Hee hee hee…

20 Sep 2000

Here We Go, A-Wanderin’

I’m a-wandering!

Yup, I think I’ve finally become such a badass that I can actually go out into the land of Dereth and survive. My favorite way of doing this is to just hop in a portal that someone has conjured. Granted, a time or two I’ve instantly fallen to my death, but what the hey, great fun, eh?

So I find myself at the Lugian Citidal. I’ve never been there, sounds like a fun place. I decide to peek my head in the portal just to see what it’s like.


Gigas Lugian smashes you for 65 points of damage!
You say, “Mommy!”

Now for those of you who have a hard time picturing this, imagine some scene from your favorite slapstick comedy as the burglar attempts to gain entry to the house via the little doggie-hatch in the back door, only to encounter the flying baseball bat being weilded by the 8 foot steroid pumping brain-damaged child. Yeah, it was THAT fun.

Death says, “Hey! Good to see you again!”
You cry.
Death says, “Awwww, what’s the matter?”
You sniff.
You say, “All those big meanies keep beating me up. *sniff*”
Death says, “My poor little Kwip. Can I do anything to cheer you up?”
You say, “Can I see your scythe?”
Death says, “Yeah, right. Think I was born yesterday?”
You say, “*sniff*…no, I just want to look at it. I’m bored.”
Death says, “Alright, but you better not try and steal it.”
You say, “*sniff sniff* I won’t.”
Death gives you Death’s Scythe.
You say, “Shirov Thiloi!”
Death says, “You little bastard!”
You giggle.
You say, “What a sucker…”
You say, “Alrighty Mr. Gigas, let’s try this one more time. Eat hot death, suckwad!”
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian giggles.
Death tells you, “Well, I suppose I should mention that the scythe won’t work for everyone, you know…”
You say, “Son of a…”
Gigas Lugian smites you so hard your drivers license has a black eye!
Death says, “Howdy!!!”
Death glares ominously at you.
You say, “Err..heh heh. What a kidder I am! See, I wasn’t gonna REALLY steal it! I was just playing!”

So then Death had to smack me around for a while. After that, he made me write on the chalkboard, “I WILL NOT STEAL AN INCARNATION’S WEAPON” a thousand times. What a bummer. But after a bit of hunting, I worked down that ol’ vitae again, and got my portal recall actually functioning. So I decided I’d cruise on back to that fun little place, the Lugian Citidal. No sooner do I get there, than I hear from Warchild that he and Vig are planning on playing political assassination with some of the Newb’s. I just CAN’T miss that, so now I have to figure out how I’m gonna meet up with them.

Turns out I’m in luck. Now keeping in mind that I have NO IDEA where the hell I’m at, I turn to the people around me. One kind person quickly offers up his help.

Now, everyone say it with me: “KWIP SUCKS AT REMEMBERING NAMES!”
Death says, “Why the hell don’t you ever write these things down?”
You say, “Shut up and get me a new bow, slut!”
So of course I have NO IDEA what his name is, but I _believe_ it was Mossad. Or Massad. We’ll call him Mossad, though.

So Mossad has offered to escort me into the nearest town. Yippee! A run through some minor wilderness, and I’ll be with my friends to cause mirth and mayhem! Off we go…

You say, “Wow, this is so nice of you, thanks a lot Mossad.”
Mossad says, “Ah, don’t sweat it, glad to help. Are you…”
You say, “WHAT THE HELL’S THAT?!?!?”
Mossad says, “Uh-oh, Shadows. Quick, circle around them.”
Mossad says, “Kwip, just keep running”
Mossad says, “Don’t worry, that’s just a gromnie…”
Mossad says, “Kwip, get off my back, I can’t carry you!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, let go of my head, I can’t see!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, get off my shoulders, I can’t see where I’m going!”
Mossad says, “I can’t see, dammit! Get off me!”
Mossad says, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know…wait…”
Mossad stops.
Mossad says, “Did you say a ‘brown’ rabbit?”
Mossad throws you down for 10 points of Scooby damage.
Mossad says, “Dude, relax! It’s just a bunny! See?”
Mossad slaps you for 10 points of damage.
You say, “Ow! Alright then, no reason to get physical…”
Mossad says, “You feeling better?”
You say, “Yes, yes, much better. Sorry, don’t know what came over me.”
Mossad says, “No problem. But we’ve still got a ways to go. You ready?”
You say, “Yeah, no problem. Lead on.”
Mossad says, “Okay, we have to go over this ridge here.”
You say, “Hey a portal…what the…hey, that’s the Luggie Citidal! What kind of tour guide are you! We just left that place!”
Mossad says, “Actually, no, that’s not the same dungeon we left.”
You say, “Oh. I see.”
Mossad says, “And I also feel it’s relevant to point out to that the person chasing you right now is, in fact, a PK.”
You say, “Oh.”
You say, “Hey, did you just say that this guys a…URK!!!”
Another-person-whos-name-you-will-forget smites you mightily!
You say, “Dang.”

So there you have it. I never did get to go cause mischief with War and Vig, either, much to my dismay. And so much for my fame making me a beloved figure – I find myself running around nowadays screaming, “I’m famous, dammit! Love me!”

“Well, gawsh, Mr. Kwip sir – I just wanna kill you so you write about me! Hyuck hyuck hyuck!”

18 Sep 2000