You might as well just hand me my lightsaber right now.
Oh, I know, there’s supposed to be all these challenges, and you’ve got to go on these epic quests, blah blah blah. But let’s be honest here: did Luke Skywalker go on any epic quests? No, I mean besides destroying the Death Star. And Dagobah Swamp to be trained by Yoda. Fine, fine and Cloud City. No, besides all that. Right. See? He didn’t do anything of note if you take away the whole “defeating the Empire almost single-handedly” matter. And yet we all have him as our idealized version of the Jedi.
I’m here to tell you that real Jedis make themselves known in much bigger manners. Let me just give you an example: you know that tired Jedi Mind Trick? Yeah, sure, maybe some of the big guys might impress you with their ability to wave their hands and make a Stormtrooper or two ignore a droid. Big whoop. I am tearing up entire city streets, and have yet to be bothered by so much as a single harsh word from any of the Imperial knuckleheads walking around.
That’s right, call me Peter Gabriel, ’cause I’m Diggin in the Dirt, baby. I’ve been mining so much you might as well put me in a house with six other short chubby guys and drop a pale babe in our laps. And yet the entire time that I’m blasting holes in the streets to gather my precious ore, not a single person has taken notice of me. Wanton obliviousness or massive mind-control powers, you decide!
Well, no, actually, I’ll decide for you: it’s my phenomenal mind-control powers. Duh.
Look, I can’t claim to know what Stormtroopers are like in real life. The closest I can come is Mrs. Keene. Mrs. Keene was my study hall teacher in high school who once yelled at me for “looking at the clock funny.” Apparently the lurid gaze I was giving the clock was suggesting demeaning acts that I’d like to perform on it. When I suggested that a clock getting offended at how it was looked at made as much sense as someone “teaching” study hall, I was sent to the office.
I realize that this is a pretty poor comparison – Mrs. Keene never so much as held a blaster, let alone subjugated lesser species. I can’t imagine her fitting into that armor, anyway. But her frequent banishment of me to the office for such infractions as coughing too loudly, “fidgeting” in my seat, and deliberately breaking my pencil make me think that there’s a future for Mrs. Keene in the Imperial Forces. And let me tell you right now: if Stormtrooper Keene came across me, waist-deep in a mining hole in the middle of the street, she’d be sending me to the principle’s office with a few inspired applications of her blaster to my face. So it’s my estimation that she would be considered a ‘soft’ Stormtrooper. Yet there I am, completely invisible to the other, better-trained Stormtroopers.
Digging potholes on Broadway.
This probably explains why land speeders are so popular. Would you want to drive a vehicle with wheels knowing that some idiot like me is out there digging holes in the streets? I think all the races in the Star Wars galaxy pretty much skipped over the invention of the wheel and went right to the hovering. Bonk was working feverishly on his new round invention, when he fell into a pit that Grog was digging in order to bring up more of that shiny yellow metal. Which cleared the way for Poindexter, that annoying caveman that insisted upon walking upright, to get all the girls with his rock that hovered in the air.
I do wonder, though, when I notice I’m the only one that’s sitting in the middle of the street with my survey tool going full-bore. Phil keeps trying to tell me that the good deposits are outside of town, but you know what else is outside of town? Corellian Butterfly Warriors. That’s right: butterfly warriors. Remember those idiots that run around with the butterfly nets and jars of ether? Nature has finally had enough of them and given us the Corellian Butterfly Warriors. Not only will they kill you, but after they’re done, they pin your body onto a wall display.
So yeah, I probably won’t be heading out of town any time soon. I like being in town. The odds of getting killed by a butterfly are pretty low, and that’s soothing. Granted, digging giant holes in the middle of the street poses it’s own kind of danger, though…
I don’t really know how Jedi powers are going to begin showing up, but I’ve got a good guess that I’m exhibiting some of them already. You guys should probably start being nice to me now, because once I get my lightsaber, being my friend is going to be coming at a premium. I’m planning on graduating from pothole maker to being the greatest smuggler in the galaxy with my powers.
Let’s face it: if I can make everyone ignore gaping chasms in front of them as they’re driving down the road, hiding a cargo bay full of illegal weapons is probably cake.
17 Sep 2003