Yaaaay, Crotch-Shooting ‘Sploit!

Okay, I think we just need to come to terms with it: monsters are dumb.

Even semi-humanoid mutants are no rocket scientists. You’d think that having to survive in a world where you’re not sure where the cheese on the pizza stops and your melting face begins would teach you a thing or two about at least TRYING to be clever. But apparently no, that’s not meant to be.

Neocron has some really, really fun monsters. But unfortunately they are so blindingly stupid they make me look like a brilliant strategist.

I mean come on, these guys are making Jar-Jar Binks look like General Patton when it comes to strategies. I respect the fact that you mutant fruitcakes want a fair fight. But let’s face it – if someone is ducking under a large pipe and blowing holes in your crotch, the least you can do is CROUCH DOWN AND BURN THEIR FACES OFF!

I don’t know why on earth I’m complaining. If it weren’t for these brainiacs, I’d still be second level and trying to figure out how to use a knife. But thanks to these brain-damaged gladiators, I’ve now got a shiny new assault rifle, which I put to good use blowing large holes in their crotches. After all, we can’t let them reproduce and spread their stupid seed any further, can we? Not that I think there’s much chance of that – these guys have those melted-flesh look that make Yellow Rat Bastard look like Fabio.

So my question is, Is this an exploit? Well, yes, obviously it’s a pretty brutal exploit. But do I feel guilty doing it? Well, no. Hey man, if this mutant scum wants to infest our city, am I to blame when they haven’t mastered the powerful ninja combat technique called the “CROUCH”?

It’s not even that, really. They COULD shoot you without crouching. They’re just being lazy! And why on earth should I reward laziness? I should NOT! Therefore, if I find a mutant that is too lazy to attack me when I’m crouched behind a pipe, I have every right to shoot him in the crotch until he dies.

Ed. note: it’s really not entirely necessary to shoot them in the crotch. Headshots work just as well.

No they don’t, shut up. The mutants MUST be shot in the crotch!

Fun With Poison Glands!

So I’m having a lot more luck. It seems that having a friend that actually knows what the hell they’re doing makes a world of difference.

For example, my new buddy Cairn Eldwin informed me that it was NOT a good idea to try and stab CopBots in the crotch with my stilletto, as apparently they’re a billion times more powerful than me and at best I could only chip their paint before they crushed my skull and set me on fire. Be that as it may, I still feel confident that there’s a LOT of CopBots in the city with crotches not as shiny and perfect as some of their friends, know what I mean?

One of the very helpful clues he gave me was what to do with all these various spider bits I seem to be collecting in the sewers. It seems that some of the pieces parts can be sold for cash, which can then be used to buy myself bigger and shinier guns! And we like guns, don’t we? The source of this “Cash For Chitins” is the pawn shop, Yo’s. A seedy place, but the clerk (not Dante, said to say – not even Randal) was full of good advice. He offered to buy any pieces parts off the spiders, and advised me to eat any meat they drop to gain health instead of using up my valuable (and expensive!) healing kit.

Except we never really agreed on what the term ‘meat’ means. To me, ‘meat’ is any part you can chew through. Being a regular consumer of beef jerky (Lancaster’s finest, to boot), I’m able to chew through anything short of titanium. As you can see below, this led to a few problems…

Luckily for me, this wasn’t any problem that a quick bout of Death couldn’t clear up. A few taser shots to the face and I was ready again for my adventures.

I’m really digging Neocron. The hints they’ve made about the future of hackers (no no, that’s a skillset in the game, I’m not talking about Gear- or Macro-happy choads) have me really excited. If you wanna try it out, it’s got SIX FREE WEEKS that come with it! Pretty damn hawt, if you ask me. Of course, I’m on week two already and I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing… However, I DO know that just because a sewer says it’s a “Level 1” area doesn’t mean there’s not some damn killer plant that puts Little Shop of Horror to shame.

Consider yourself warned!

Welcome… To Neopunkthunderdomecron

Welp, welcome to the fascinating new world of Neocron. A few men enter. One man leaves. Well, okay, not THIS one man. This one man’s busy getting his ass kicked by cockroaches. Yeah, you heard me: cockroaches. Actually, I should say COCKROACH. Singular. Like, by itself.

Yeah. This game is not newb-friendly. Neocron is dark, dark, dark. It is a gritty, cyberpunk-ish in-your-face DT-on-crack atmosphere. I stepped out of the apartment I spawned in and five minutes later was being chased by a guy with a baseball bat. Well…when I say ‘chased’ I mean ‘having the crap kicked out of me.’

And I LOVE this game.

It might just be that it’s a whole new game and whatnot, and it might just be that I’m desperate for a good cyberpunk game, but I’m having a blast. I have NO clue what the hell I’m doing. So far, my sole purpose involves running away from people with bats (the people with guns shoot me before I get a chance to run). But really, apart from my first encounter, I haven’t had much of a problem with newb gankers. I have, however, been having problems with NPCs. Like, serious attitude problems.

I guess I’m just spoiled by places like Dereth and Camelot where the rudest NPC you might have to deal with is a drunk that tells you to go away. Well, I mean, besides the ones that attack you. But in Neocron, the NPCs there have basically just said, “Hey, we know who these players are, but you know what? F them. WE don’t need them. THEY are the ones asking us for jobs, for raw materials – F them, I say!”

For example, observer the scene below. Yes, that is our real conversation. Well, except for the end where I leap over the desk and commenced introducing him to my friends Left Boot and Right Boot, aka the Boot Brothers.

Anyway, I stumble into this office. The gentleman sitting is the head of the company I work for. I’m the cool guy in shades & Don Johnson-wannabe facial hair. I come in, humbly seeking a mission. This is our conversation:


Yes, this is a real dialogue I had.
“Oooooooof!!!” added for effect, though.
Because Kwipette
thought he was polishing my shoes.

I mean, good gravy, I’ve been PK’d more politely than this. Call me crazy, but if I’m Mr. Important CEO guy, then I would lock my door! It would be different if I snuck into his office or something. You know, maybe came in, stole some pens, urniated on his desk, something to deserve the h8. Hey, I’ve seen that hidden camera video where that crazy chick comes in and pees on her bosses chair. If I did that, then I certainly deserve to be treated rudely. Well, actually, I’d deserve to be punched in the throat, but I digress.

Look, all I’m saying here is that if we want to rebuild this devestated civilization, can’t we just be a tad bit kinder to each other? You know, you don’t mouth off to me, and I won’t stand on your throat? I think that’s a fair compromise.