“I’ve Had A Fall.”
Posted by Kwip on September 18th, 2007 25 Comments 
At best of times, I don’t function very well in the morning. This was already not the best of times – Kwipette and I had been to one of her doctors, and I was still pondering over what he told us (not bad news, mind you – just one of those things I had to think about). I had dropped her off at home and plopped myself down at work to try and finish a difficult project I had already screwed up a few times. I was knee-deep into rewriting an already ugly SQL query when my phone rang.
“Are you busy?” I hear her snuffle. My wife (the aforementioned Kwipette) can be such a goober sometimes. Of course I was busy, but I also heard the sobs in her voice and could tell something was horribly wrong.
“I’ve had a fall.”
I told her I’d be right there, hung up the phone, and ran out of the office. I live less than two miles from my office, so I can make good time, especially when panic grips me. I wasn’t hysterical, of course. She was in good enough shape to call me, after all – how bad could she really be?
A few minutes later I walked into my kitchen and found my beautiful wife sitting on the floor, her face drenched in blood.
Oh. THAT bad.
For those of you relatively new to this whole thing, my lovely wife Kwipette (also known as Becky) has multiple sclerosis. Among the many trials and tribulations it’s brought to our lives, it’s also stolen her ability to walk any distance without wobbling severely. When we’re outside of the house, she usually travels by her wheelchair or, for short distances, her forearm crutches. But at home, she’s usually fine maneuvering around using the walls, tables and chairs to brace her.
Today her enemy was the comforter on our bed. She was being her usual helpful self and was going to empty my garbage can on my side of the bed. Unfortunately she stepped on the corner of our comforter which promptly shot out from under her. Being that we have hardwood floors, that could’ve happened to anyone. Most people, however, would’ve been able to stop themselves before they hit the iron radiator. Well, that’s not fair, really – she DID stop herself.
She just used her forehead.
In a move not really recommended to anyone lacking certain adamantium reinforcements, she struck the corner of the radiator with her forehead. This time, the radiator won. It opened up a nice gash on her forehead and raised a considerable welt. Bleeding EVERYWHERE, dizzy from pain (and on top of her usual MS-inspired dizziness), she still managed to make it to the stairlift, descend to the first floor, and make it into the kitchen (where her phone was plugged in charging) before collapsing. She then managed to crawl to her phone and call me.
See, this is why WOMEN have babies. If that was me? I would STILL be on the floor at the foot of the radiator, screaming my bloody head off. Well, no, if that was me, I’d be bitching about having to buy a new radiator after the granite block that is my skull crushed the puny iron of the radiator…
But now I’ve just walked into a horror scene. My wife is lying in a pool of blood, there are bloody handprints all over, and she’s trying to smile up at me. Being the heavily-read comic book person I am, I immediately spin around, because obviously this is the point where the homicidal maniac is sneaking up behind me to finish the job he started on my wife…
I’m sure I’ve mentioned my prior military experience, and it’s times like this when my training kicks in. However, I subdue my urge to reach for a beer and instead start recalling what I learned in EMT school. I assess the damage and immediately see it’s not as horrific as it looks. Despite shedding enough blood to make Quentin Tarantino blush, the gash is relatively small and while there’s already swelling, I don’t detect any fractures of my wife’s lovely brain case. But one of the troubling aspects of MS is that you start out with the symptoms of a concussion: blurred vision, dizziness and nausea, so I couldn’t rule out brain damage.
Well, more brain damage than required to marry me, I mean.
I call the doctor’s office (because in our wonderfully civilized world, I have to make sure I do things to make our insurance provider happy, never mind focusing on logic). They agree and advise me to take her in for an Xray, just to be safe.
Four hours, two Xrays and a few stitches later, and we’re home, safe and (mostly) sound. No concussion, just a nasty gash. Yaay!
We spend some time vegging, just being together, and I make us a healthy dinner of grilled steak tip sandwiches. Good for brain injuries, I’m sure. We try and let the insanity of the day wear off while watching a funny movie.
The good news is that there is Ben & Jerrys in the freezer. We’ve had a long period of mostly mild episodes, so I don’t think complaining is in order, but man… Walking in and seeing your wife covered in blood is possibly my least favorite way to come home. Now I’m fighting down the fears that of course want to come out to play – “What if she couldn’t reach the phone? What if she hit herself much worse? What if…”
Ugh.
The thing that stinks about this is that this could’ve happened to anyone. It strikes me harder because of her MS and my existing fears about her being home alone during the day, but that doesn’t make me feel any better at the thought of leaving tomorrow morning. I offer to duct-tape her to the bed just to ensure her safety, but she seems to think that’s a bit ‘extreme.’ Hrmph. I said I’d put the remote control within reach! See if I offer my brilliant ideas any more!
For now, though, it’s time for bed. Time to lay down and reflect upon a crazy day. It’s my favorite time of day, when we lay down together and talk about our days, and often get sidetracked into silly things. Lately I’ve been preoccupied with how much money I spent on a microphone for our show (and our show in general, what with our big debut on CringeHumor), but somehow I think we’ll have something else to focus on tonight. We’ve already floated the idea around of some sort of home-alert system. We both hate the idea because of their stupid commercials, but there might be a compromise – something like the Firefly Mobile on a necklace of some sort. That way if she got in trouble, she’d only need to hit one button to summon help (or me). Dorky, but functional.
It’s tough when doing the smart thing to protect yourself (or a loved one) feels like you’re being a dork. I blame that old woman in those commercials. Fallen and can’t get up, indeed! They need to make emergency callers that look like laser guns or something – that way, if she gets in trouble, she can pretend she’s fighting off Rebel Scum while summoning reinforcements!
September 18th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
*big huge soft gentle hugs* Kwipette, I’m so glad it was a small gash … can a gash actually be small?? You take care of yourself, and be sure Kwip tends to your each an EVERY need! Much love to you both.
-Sebine, and Sebine’s Hubby
September 18th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Becky is my hero.
September 19th, 2007 at 3:51 am
“I offer to duct-tape her to the bed just to ensure her safety, but she seems to think that’s a bit ‘extreme.’ ”
Oh come on Kwip, show a little class, man! Nowadays there are handcuffs covered with fur just for that purpose, you heartless git!
She sure did not make you clean up all that blood right? RIGHT?!?!?
Nah, just kidding. Sorry for my bad sense of humour. Facial wounds tend to bleed so much, it’s ghastly.
I’m glad everything was not as bad as it looked.
The best, mate.
Sure, now I feel bad for sneaking up behind her and screaming “BOOGIDDABOOGIDDABOOGIDDA” every time I come over. If you’d just get one of those monkeys like on “Monkey Shines” this sorta shit wouldnt happen (ya cheap prick!)
Rest up K-ette, if you need anything, you’ve got our number – HJ
September 19th, 2007 at 8:28 am
Glad to hear that she’s doing better. We’ve all been saying for years that you need to be in a padded room, so maybe it’s time to seriously start thinking about it
As for Kwipette, maybe you could get one of those cellphone hands-free ear thingies. You know what I mean. The thing that tons of people wear now to try and look important and busy and crap. At least Becky would have a legitimate use for one. Granted, i’ve never used one (being unimportant and a lazy bastid), so maybe it wouldn’t do what you need it to do. Just a thought.
September 19th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Totally off-topic:
http://astraware.com/company/blog.php?entry=77&promo=NEWS2007HET
How could you miss this, Kwip?
September 19th, 2007 at 10:31 am
Hope you’re feeling better Becky!
September 19th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Oh, I totally think she can pull off the emergency button! The trick, I think, is to embrace it unapologetically. Seriously, I’d paint mine fire engine red with nail polish or model airplane paint and maybe — I’m not kidding — glue some Swarovski crystals to it.
September 19th, 2007 at 11:13 am
I’m both sorry and heartily relieved it wasn’t worse. So glad you’re ok…now tend to Kwip, he’s a basket case
September 19th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
thanks everyone for your concern/well wishes…i feel so stupid-but i’m ok, now i can’t wait to get my 3 stiches out-they’re very itchy!!!
What the… What’re you doing on the computer! Get back to cooking mah chicken pot pie, woman! No chatties for YOU!
September 19th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
That’s not kwipette, that’s a SKRULL!
September 19th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
I loves me some Skrull….
September 19th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
–insert witty comment here followed by sincere well wishes for Kwipette–
September 20th, 2007 at 9:34 am
i’m glad your wife wasn’t serioulsy enjured.
you guys take care.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Glad Kwipette is okay
yeah, yeah, she’s fine and all… she’s still manning the phones for the show this week right?! RIGHT!?! let’s prioritize here people, our callers are on the line! get her all hopped up on goofballs and prop her up against her computer, she’ll be fine!
Seriously. take care of yourself! HJ
September 20th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Hey glad everything is ok. Hey kwip. Have you thought about filling the house with web cameras? That way you can catch her sticking pins into a Kwip doll…ah I mean you can rest easy knowing you can check up on her well being anytime you want!
September 20th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
I’m glad that the Beckster is okay. Gads, Kwip… just reading that made my knees go weak (thank Gord I was sitting down). And Becky, no more attempts on Kwip’s life! I know the whole secret reason for the fall and the extraneous amounts of blood was an attempt to give Kwip a heart attack!
Side note: if the wound turns into a scar, I hope that it’s a cool looking one!
September 21st, 2007 at 11:17 am
Glad to hear things are semi-okay. I know change-of-season time can be rough. My thoughts are with both of you!
September 21st, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Ugh… My heart goes out to you two. (I almost thought I was going to hurl when reading some of that description.)
If you do get one of those Firefly thingies, I suggest you rough it up a bit, give it a worn-out sci-fi look, add some useless but neat looking props to it, and have “Serenity” painted on it. Make sure Kwipette wears a brown coat.
Here’s an idea. Have a suit of armour built for Kwipette. Something sturdy and dent-proof. Maybe build it out of those Saturn door panels. Better still! A Load Lifter suit, like from Alien. She’d be nice and secure, and she could come to your rescue every now and then. Only when you’re being chased by monsters, mind you.
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:42 am
sniffle…you guys ROCK!
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:17 pm
*hugtackles Kwipette…. away from metal objects*
September 26th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Good luck, folks.
September 28th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Have you guys ever noticed that things like this NEVER, EVER happen when a phone is within easy reach? WTF is up with that? Kwipette, glad to hear things are okay so we can get back to our Ben Folds Five / They Might Be Giants lyric war on MySpace…