Posted by Kwip on November 14th, 2007 | 6 Comments 
This is a memoir I wrote for a class I’m taking. It’s the highly biased recollection of a certain time in my life that was pretty memorable. I’m certain I give myself far too much credit and others not enough, but this is how I remember it and I fully invoke my Storyteller’s License. Anyway, enjoy!
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Posted by Kwip on July 3rd, 2007 | Comments Off
Hey, everybody! I wrote another article over at The Escapist Magazine! Like always, I think it sucks. Check it out!
Posted by Kwip on January 24th, 2004 | Comments Off
Is it just me, or is everyone wondering where these new people keep turning up from? I mean, our various kingdoms have been at war for what, a bazillion years, and people are just now deciding they want to join up? What were they doing before this, hiding under white flags? I highly doubt this -speaking plainly as an Albion that’s raided both of the other realms, we’re not really partial to letting folks from other realms live. It’s nothing personal, mind you -it’s just our duty to see that you’re all wiped from existence.
It’s not just us, either. I have it on good authority that Midgard eats babies from other realms, and won’t be happy till they’ve moved the rest of us onto their “cattle farms.” And as for the wackos over in Hibernia -well, I don’t have to go into details about the sort of people who consort with Lurikeens. You just know they’re up to no good.
But here we are, fighting back and forth for ages, and suddenly all these new classes wake up and say, “Hey, you know -that sort of looks like fun, that trying to kill each other business. I think I’d like to try that!”
I guess I can understand that, though. If you consider the long-standing feud between the Vampiires and the Valkyries (as a result of the dreaded “He Borrowed The Hedge Clippers And Hasn’t Returned Them” Battle from a few years ago), it was a given that as soon as the Vampiires decided to help out the Hibernians, the Valkyries would be getting involved.
Being the student of history I am, I thought I’d take a moment to look at the history behind these new factions and why they’re now choosing to get involved. There’s going to be a great deal of rumor and myth floating around “bout them and their origins, but I’ll present the information here in a completely fact-based, non-biased forum (unlike the way those annoying little Lurikeens would present it, the lying little munchkins!).
The Vampllres. The Vampiires have been around ever since an elven teenager, Nigel, felt misunderstood by his parents and teachers. Donning an outfit of black leather, he stormed off into the night to research forbidden magic and smoke a lot of clove cigarettes. Unfortunately for the young Soon-To-Be-Vampiir, he encountered an evil Eldritch and tried to play the “What Does My Finger Smell Like?” game. The Eldritch, having fallen prey to that exact same trick in the last village, instead cursed the young elf’s left hand to turn it into an ugly claw. Nigel, being a fierce opportunist, took advantage of this curse to sue the local Hero Academy under the Equal Opportunities Act for not having any classes for claw-wielding fighters. This paved the way for the Crab Rebellion of 1204 but, unfortunately for them, they taste really fine with a bit of butter, so the battlefields were routinely overwhelmed by hordes of hungry fat people.
Nigel took his training with claw fighting and added some magic to begin the Order of Vampiires (this was actually a typo in the guild registration form, but Nigel later thought it looked pretty rad, so he decided to let it stand).
Vampiires are known to use some dastardly combat tactics. Because of their tendency to wear tight leather, they’re able to engage in hip shaking known to mesmerize their opponents. They’re also known to flick their lit clove cigarettes at opponents, which they refer to as their “Flame Strike.”
The Vampiires became involved in the Realm Wars when the Elven Queen promised them Coffee Shops with open-mic poetry slams.
The Bainshees. The Bainshees were started by Susan, the wife of Darby. After a long night of being at the pub, Darby came home and informed his wife exactly what he thought of her mother. The resulting scream from Susan exploded poor Darby’s head. Susan, realizing her power, took command of the town. Susan began teaching her powers to other women in the village, and the men of the village found themselves at their mercy. They were forced to come home early from the pub, tuck in their shirts, wear pants around the house and treat their mother-in-Iaws with respect.
The name “Bainshee” came about when a passing merchant asked a man of the town who the woman Susan was, to command such respect as she did. The villager replied, “Her? A pain, she is.” Unfortunately due to his thick Gaelic accent, the merchant heard “Bainshee,” and that’s how the women of the village came to be known.
The Bainshees joined the Realm Wars because a Warlock referred to one of them as a “chick.”
The Warlocks. Warlocks are all about Death Metal. These rock and roll bad boys were actually spiritmasters at one time, but due to some issues with personal hygiene, the rest of the Spiritmasters locked them in caves deep underground. The Warlocks refused to give in (since everyone knows that deodorant is not Metal), and decided to one-up the snotty Spiritmasters and become better spellcasters than they were. Mostly just so they could walk around feeling smug about it.
To that end, they take great delight in slowly casting their spells. Sometimes, to really rub it in, they’ll fire off several spells in one casting to show the Spiritmasters who’s boss.
Warlocks are fighting in the Realm Wars because some of them attempted to get a Bainshee as their lead singer, and during her audition she exploded the heads of all of the rest of the band. The Warlocks hope to conquer the Bainshees and make them sign lucrative recording contracts that involve big hairdos, spandex and lots of mascara.
The Valkyrles. The Valkyries were started by two sisters that were, ah, “big boned.” Renowned for their huge… appetites, the sisters were charged with the task of carrying the Honorable Dead to Valhalla, the Hall of the Gods. To accomplish this, they were trained not only in melee weapons, but also in a special type of magic that males use of their… attributes. This magic is known as “Affecting Areas with their Cones.”
Ah -no, I’m sorry, I seem to have mis-read that. It seems their magic is cone-shaped and…no, wait, that doesn’t sound much better. Look -they have a new type of magic, and it affects everyone in front of them. In a cone-shaped area. Also, it does not involve dropping their tops, as earlier reports indicated.
The Valkyries became involved in the Realm Wars when they were promised a chance to pound the snot out of all the Vampiires they wanted, as well as other classes that couldn’t keep their eyes above the horizon, if you catch my drift.
The Heretics. Heretics are clerics and priests that have come to realize that there are some people in the world that God really does hate and wishes ill towards. Whereas their wussy brethren in the Church of Albion believe in loving the just and smiting the Wicked, Heretics believe in “Smite ‘Em All, Let Arawn Sort ‘Em Out!”
They have abandoned any sort of pretense of being there to help. Instead, they’re there mostly to see that everyone dies. While the Church of Albion looks only towards punishing sin, Heretics believe that stupidity is a sin and we’re all sinners. So by killing everyone around them, they’re reducing the sin of the world, and making it .. Ah, who am I kidding? Heretics just like killing.
To show you how evil they can be, the Heretics have the power to raise fallen comrades as “a horribly twisted creature that can do damage to enemies for a period of time before reverting back to normal form with only a small number of hit points remaining.” In other words, they raise you up as this big, bad monster -and you get to charge back into the enemy’s ranks. At which point you revert back to your old self with barely any hit points left
Heretics got involved in the Realm Wars – well, actually, they’ve always wanted to get involved in the Realm Wars. It’s just that everyone else in Albion finally ran out of excuses for them not to fight, and can no longer hold them back.
Summary. In closing – well, I think it’s obvious the well’s been tapped. The crazies have now taken to the front lines, and the rest of us are going to pay. It might seem all well and fine to have a black-clad teammate next to you tearing through some stinky Norse one minute, but the next minute when he’s trying to recite his poem “Ode to Death of My Love and innocence and Childhood and Dark Thoughts About Black Leather and Mascara” – well, we’ll just see how grateful you are for your new Realmmates then, bucko. Don’t come crying to me, either.
I’ll be holding confessions at the Altar of Stupidity with my fellow Heretics.
