Ninjabolgs?

So I don’t know if you’ve heard about it, but some of us have made a tiny guild on Palomides. As Hibernians. Hibbies are a realm that I’ve never played extensively – well, hell, I haven’t even played Albions extensively. They’re just the realm I have the most experience with.

I had decided upon a Valewalker, as I think I mentioned before. Once I overcame my cowardliness and managed to start mixing it up mano a mano (as they say in the streets), I found that I was doing pretty well. Valewalkers seem (to me) to be a very good class. I can land a number of nukes and debuffs (just to clarify: I don’t have REAL nukes/debuffs – just a lifetap and snare; but to me, that’s good enough) on critters before they come within striking distance, and then once they close, I can melee decently enough to finish the job. In the whole group, we’ve got a pretty good mix. Some mages, couple more melee’ers, you know, the usual.

Except for Mistake.

For whatever reason, Mistake is playing a Firbolg Hero. For those of you that don’t know, a Firbolg is a mix of giant and human – very large, very strong. Not as solid as a Troll perhaps, but almost as tall. They stand head and shoulders over every other race in Hibernia. And head, shoulders, arms, stomach, groin and knees above Lurikeens.

They’re big, is what I’m trying to say. Huge. Standing next to one of them while you’re fighting, you can pretty much count on whatever you’re fighting to be more aiming for the Firbolg. Partly because they’re larger than everything else and make a nice, easy target; and partly because they’re strong enough that if you’re fighting something purely melee, the Firbolg’s usually going to do more damage because of their greater strength. Did I also mention their huge, easy-to-hit size? Well, let me just mention it again. Them = BIG.

So imagine my surprise when the goblin we’re fighting takes a mighty swing at Mistake…only to see Mistake flip into the air.

Flip. Into the air. A giant.

I’m not sure of the history of their race, here – maybe the ancient race that bred with humans to make Firbolgs were giant acrobats or something. I mean, hey, who’s to say that some interstellar race of touring giant acrobats didn’t stop by our planet and, uh, “seed” the natives? That’s as good a guess as any, I suppose. In truth, there’s no telling how the Firbolgs came up with their ninja-esque abilities. I’ve got my theories, of course…

I can’t say that I’m an expert on giant – or half-giant – behaviors. But in my readings of Jack the Giant-Killer, I’m pretty sure I never heard about him preparing to stab the giant in the chest and the giant flipping into the air to dodge him.

You are welcome to object. Maybe you’re familiarity with 8-foot tall ninjas is greater than mine own. That wouldn’t surprise me. I mean, silly me, I’ve got this idea of dodging something as a giant being pretty hard in the first place. What with you being giant-sized and everything. What’s the point of being big and tough if you’re going to get out of the way of everything that tries to hit you? Old Ironsides didn’t get her nickname from dodging those cannonballs!

Okay, I understand – you don’t want to get hit. Fine. But where in your giant brain did the idea come to flip out of the way? What Xena-induced madness is this? Did the idea ever occur to you to, oh, I don’t know – step aside? It’s not that bad when you’re fighting something smaller than you. But try that with a Fomorian sometime and they’ll treat you like a giant-sized handball and bounce you off the wall a few times.

Granted, they’ll just step on me. But at least being squished is dignified.


And Now, Mistake Presents a Rebuttal…

There seems to be an issue with my l337 ninja skills. Now I know that on the surface a half-giant flipping about seems to be not just implausible, but also very unlikely to avoid the attack due to the massive size. But think back to how you felt when you saw this improbable act. Your mind skipped a beat as it tried to reconcile physics with what your eyes saw, yes?

Now I’ll go as far to assume that the majority of you have at least completed a high school level physics class. But think about the poor, uneducated creatures of Hibernia. This act of flipping literally short circuits their mind. That is why the dodge is successful.

Now, in order to be able to perform this gravity-defying, mind-fusing, ninja flip I spent many years under the tutelage of one Chun Lee (of Kwip’s ninja article fame, not the streetfighter). While those adventures were not nearly as amusing, I did learn many important truths.

  1. If you really believe you are invisible, you are. Unless Kwip is there.
  2. The laws of nature only apply to chumps.

Alright, two is far from many. But given Chun Lee’s track record, learning anything from him amounts to a fountain of knowledge in my book.

As for how realistic it may be, Kwip is a bundle of sticks. That’s right, sticks. I feel that as a half-giant my flipping about is almost infinitely more plausible than Kwip walking about, let alone casting spells and hitting things with his giant farming implement.

By the way, you will not squish. You will snap and crackle.

–Mistake

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