A Chance for Mockery Goes Horribly Awry…

Yes, I’ve done it. I’ve entered the world of Star Wars: Galaxies. Please, keep the comments about going to the “Dark Side” to yourself.

I read what Warchild had to say about it, and laughed appropriately at all the right times, guffawing at the foolishness that would drive people to play such a poorly released game.

And yet… This weekend, Yellow Rat brought along Flatu with him to the NeenerPalooza. And Flatu brought along with HIM his copy of SWG. Which he installed on my computer to let me see what the game was like.

You see, I was just going to see what the game was like. I swear to you, that’s all I wanted to do. I was going to look at it, make a bunch of insulting comments deriding it, the developers of it, the people that play it, anyone working at a store where it’s sold and generally feel smug and self-confident in my masculinity.

Instead, I tried crafting.

“Hello, my name is Kwip, and I’m a SWG addict.”
“Hi, Kwip!”

That’s about all it took. Look, I’ll be the first guy to say how horrified I was by some of the stories floating out of the SWG player base. I heard tales of bugs, and horrible lag, and… and… and… CSRs showing up at people’s homes at 3am to punch them in the throat and steal their lunch money while they were sleeping!

Yeah. I heard about all these bugs. But… I have to admit it. The game ran smoothly. Granted, I didn’t do much, and I had most options tuned very low to accommodate the Doritos chip powering my PC – but it ran. And, more importantly… it was fun.

I have never been one for crafting. The only game I’ve ever seen come close to making crafting anything worthwhile is PuzzlePirates, and that’s only because I really like the puzzle games you do for crafting. But the way crafting is in SWG… I want it! I want my own cantina! I’m actually foaming at the mouth right now and touching myself very inappropriately just thinking about it!

And horror stories about how SOE treats subscribers. After everyone screamed and yelled about one character per server, I thought nothing could cause such an uproar again. But THEN I heard everyone yelling about this five-day deletion after you cancel your account, and felt for certain SOE had just declared war on their entire customer base. But – and I know this is going to surprise you – it turns out that decision was wrong. Yes, either someone at SOE made a mistaken announcement, or someone on the web misunderstood, or both – but that’s just not true. Because both announcements are from the same person, I guess that confuses everyone (especially me). But you have to admit – it would be really funny if SOE just said, “Alright, we’ve got the most popular license out there right now, Tolkien be damned. Let’s see how far we can push our customers!”

There are apparently still a lot of bugs, and SWG is going through the growing pains that every other MOG in history has undergone – even worse because of the speed that they’re growing. But after trying it once – I’m going to put my good money down; money that I could spend on a lucious pint or five of Ben & Jerry’s!

This doesn’t mean the game’s perfect, or that I’m going to play it forever. However, it does mean that my first try at it was very entertaining and interesting enough to hook me. Make of that what you will – but I’ll be the one standing in the corner making spiced tea while you’re deciding!

Oh, Look, Asheron Needs Help… AGAIN…

So there’s this guy, I dunno if you’ve heard of him, but he goes by the name of Asheron.

Word around town has it that he’s the badder than… I dunno, Death?

Death says, “What? I’d bitchslap him back to his momma!”

Erm…right. So he’s bad, almost but not quite to the degree of Death. Only…he’s hiding.

What is it with us and our ‘rulers’? When’s the last time you saw Queen Elyssa hanging with the homeboys? And now Asheron chooses to grace us with his presence – well, no, actually, he instead chooses to hide in his little tower with his goombah bodyguards. And they don’t even DO anything! Frankly, I’m beginning to suspect they’re not even real. I think Asheron just found a really good interior decorator, gave them a few diamond golem bits, and went to work. Have you ever seen them move? Then how do you know they’re not hooked there! Hey man, I saw Wizard of Oz, I know how this stuff works.

I think the thing that really annoys me is that Asheron’s all haughty and stuff, acting like we are intruding upon him! Hey man, sorry to interrupt your busy day of hiding like a little girl inside your tower and everything, but we came here basically to kick all the bug’s carapaces off of YOUR island. Don’t you worry about it or anything, Rapunzal – as soon as the big, bad bugs are gone, we’ll bring you a nice cup of soup and some crackers and read you a bedtime story.

Honestly, does anyone else feel like the Terminix guy or something?

It wouldn’t be so bad – like if we were out there, fighting like madmen, and Asheron would lean out of his window and cast a debuff on the bugs. Or hey, I understand, he’s scared! He could just cast a buff on us! We’ll tell the bugs that we had magical jewelry that did it or something, no one would be the wiser! Certainly not Asheron…

And then, Asheron is annoyed with you. Because you trespassed on his “Familial Estate.” WELL GEE, WE’RE ALL VERY SORRY WE DIDN’T LEAVE YOUR HOME TO GET OVER RUN BY OLTHOI! For that matter, I’m sorry we didn’t let you get bulldozed by Bael’zheron. Or Martine. Or Gaerlan, for that matter! Why, now that I think about it, I know exactly what “Asheron’s Call” is – it’s 911 for tired old lame mages!

And let me just point out: the entire time I sat there, my buttocks warming ol’ Asheron’s brow, his bodyguards just watched. Yeah. That’s how effective THEY were. One time when Gillian Anderson was making an appearance, I reached out to touch her arm, and her bodyguards maced me, broke my hand, kicked my teeth out and stood on my throat. For trying to touch her arm.

Death says, “What? You were totally trying to get a goose, you liar!”
You say, “QUIET, SLUT!”

And yet, here we see these super protectors, allowing their charge to be asshated. Asheron, not really sure which gumball machine you got them out of, but I’ve got two words for you: REE and FUND.

But back to this selfishness. Look, we don’t mind helping you, Ash ol’ buddy. But let’s get one thing straight: we are doing you a favor, mmkay? Don’t give us any rubbish if we’re digging through your house, buddy. At least you HAVE a house left! I mean, yeah, so your little hut’s got a bit more of a vicious spawn camp outside of it than most guild mansions. Wah. But dude, you’ve got a whole island to yourself! Don’t go getting all greedy about some mansion you don’t use anymore!

To make matters worse, there isn’t even a snack bar in the castle. I mean, come on dude – how many times have we saved your life now? That’s not worth some chips, or a tasty beverage or two?