Our House, In the Middle of… Ermm… Somewhere…

The first thing I noticed about the housing expansion is that it’s a killer.

No, seriously – it killed me. It went something like this:

Pessum (Me): “Hi guildmates! How can I get to our amazing new guild home?”
Guildmates: “Hello Pessum! Simply buy a guild hearth scroll from the portal munchkin in Gothwaite!”
Pessum: “Swell! Why, look how easy that was! I can’t believe how easy Mythic made this for idiots like me! This is great! Here I come…”
Death: “Hello there!”

Now, you would think that there would be some sort of warning. But oh no, that would be FAR too idiot proof! Silly me, being the very thorough idiot that I am, launched Camelot and then went and farted around and watched tv, ate some Ben & Jerrys – you know, healthy stuff – expecting the subsequent patching (for the new housing expansion, you see) to take a while.

So I come back to my computer, I see the launch screen and I figure everything’s kosher, right?

WRONG!

Looking back, I think that Mythic did something very, very intelligent: they made the installation of the housing feature patch optional. That was so damn clever it’s really staggering to think of. Imagine being able to NOT download all the bits you wouldn’t need in a game! For me, that’s not really such a big deal, as I’m sure it’s not to most of the high-speed access folks. But that’s a great feature for someone on dial-up (or even shitty cable)!

Unfortunately, although I give Mythic mad props for being fiendishly clever about that, I do have to express some disappointment at their inability to fully realize the depths of some people’s stupidity. Specifically, mine. Turns out their idea was a bit too clever.

To give you some idea of what I’m talking about, let me clarify this whole housing thing: My guild has a house. I want to go there. I do not read news sites as often as I should, as I tend to get confused rather easily (I know, SUCH a surprise!), and usually limit my reading to stories and columns and such and not actual, you know, facts, as I find that they tend to get in the way of my enjoyment. However, it does pervade my murky thought process that actually knowing about something that would KILL me (granted, in a kind and gentle fashion), should be something that is marked as IMPORTANT.

How to do that? Well, I’m not sure – there never seems to be anything wrong with one-time pop-up windows upon game entry, so that would have been nice. I might have noticed that. Even something at character selection. Oh – I suppose I might have skipped that screen. Well, tell ya what, next time, just code in a flaming arrow that shoots out and hits me in the face, would you?

Sanya says, “Kwip, we’ve been working on coding a flaming arrow that will shoot you in the face for quite some time now, I assure you…”

Ah. See? I’m FULL of good ideas, some of which are already being researched by Mythic! You guys should listen to me more often…

But back to this housing. This is, to put it simply, cool. Besides the whole needing a patch without knowing it bit, the houses are really slick. Besides the whole thing about having someplace extra to stash all your crap, there’s merchants there, and they’ve got mighty fine prices, by golly! The only thing is… there don’t quite seem to be enough bedrooms. I mean, oh, sure, if you like the army life, this whole barracks thing is fine. But, uh, I’m a theurge, and even more than that, I’m clean. Some of these soldier types – well, let’s just say they wear about eight layers of filth underneath their kilts, mmkay? And while communal living might sound all neat and spiffy, let me assure you, it’s fine until you get the bathtub after the necro’s been in there and created zombie stew by washing the nasty bits off of him, okay?

First, I think I’m entitled to my own bedroom. I mean, what with being married now, I think it’s only fitting that Kwipette and I can, uh, “visit” without Anson over in the next cot listening in and doing unspeakable things to himself. Really kills the mood, trust me. And if that weren’t bad enough, then we have all the clerics walking in on us and instantly being struck blind. Hey man, maybe your God doesn’t believe in having your wife dance around in the schoolgirl outfit, but let me tell you: My God? He’s down, if you know what I’m saying. For it is written:

“The Gord looked upon his bretheren fishermen and said unto them: ‘Today you are fishermen, but follow me, and bring those nets, because I know this tailor in town that could make some smoking stockings out of them, boyos!'”

Also, Paladins might think they’re all high and mighty, but they leave their dirty socks lying around everywhere. And it’s no use complaining to them about it, because they just get all self-righteous (you know how they get), and start blabbing about “Manifest Destiny” and all this nonsense. How that relates to sock placement, I’m not really sure, but trying to talk to them makes my brain bleed, so I try to avoid the subject.

I’m getting to bask a bit in popularity lately – I’ve been invited to check out a few guild houses already by a number of folks. It’s really amazing how diverse they can be – I expected to see a lot of repetitiveness in them, and there is some, but overall, they all are really unique.

And speaking of unique, let me just offer a bit of advice: if you visit a house that is decorated with red and black felt wallpaper, full of shag carpets and lots of fuzzy furniture – don’t drink from the punchbowl! Just consider this a friendly warning: I’ve seen that place, I drank the punch, and the condition I woke up in…

Well, when you roll over and find yourself being nuzzled by a large troll, let’s just say that you are not about to have a good day…

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