I Can Fill In! Pick Me, Coach! ME!

So I’m talking with one of my IRC mates, Zkdog, and he tells me that in his HUGE monarchy, that’s SUPER HELPFUL to n00bs, there’s an opening because one of their key members, Hostile, hasn’t been playing much anymore. Well well well…far be it from me to let an opportunity like this pass on by!

I grill Zk a bit more, and find out that Hostile is this great, really well-liked guy, whom everybody adores, he’s a lot of fun, blah blah blah – you see what I’m getting at, don’t you? If Hostile doesn’t play that much anymore – well, then, it’s obvious I am the perfect person to take his place! Why, “great, really well-liked guy that everybody adores and is a lot of fun” is practically SYNONYMOUS with Kwip!

Death says, “I thought Kwip was synonymous with ‘suck’?”
Mac says, “No no no, it’s synonymous with ‘big pile of poop’!”
Kaigon says, “No, wait, I think you’re both wrong – isn’t it, ‘whooping load of suckdom that will likely get everyone killed and doom an entire server’?”
You say, “QUIET, SLUTS!”

So. It’s decided then: I shall prove my worthiness to the entire monarchy of Thase Skotoso! (Yeah, I was kinda puzzled by the name too, but then I found out it’s Dutch for “likely to get highly intoxicated and then attempt to powerlevel idiots”) .

First thing I had to do was to create a character. I asked Zk what Hostile was (to better ensure my taking his place). Zk told me, but by the time I got to the character creation screen, I had promptly forgotten. Bah. What weapon I use is not important! What’s important is that my new allegiance mates feel the love flowing from my soul! For best conduciveness, I chose to use a swordsman. Nothing says love like a long sword! Er…ok, get your minds out of the gutters, you perverts, that’s not at all the image I was going for…

So anyway, I have my new character. Now this is a sort of change for me – as some of you know, I pride myself on my archery skill.

Death says, “Skill? Buddy, if it weren’t for gravity, you couldn’t hit the GROUND!”

Ah-HEM. Now then: I am swordsman! Of course, my l33t skills with the blade wouldn’t be enough to win over the hearts of my new family. I’d have to engage in some witty banter, show them that I respect their skills and wish to learn from them! To that end, I met Aiko II and Sholdem at our mansion. Aiko was summoning swarms of butterflies out of mid-air! I’d never seen anything like that! Well, here’s a PERFECT opportunity to express some admiration for their skills and get in good with them!



Of course, it would turn out to be a terrible mistake.



Death says, “Hi there! Bet you’ll think twice about listening to advice from Sholdem, huh? Looks like the guild wants Hostile back!”

You say, “Gah! Get away from me!”





Okay, this was OBVIOUSLY just a bit of ‘new-guy’ kidding! Why, they’d warm up to me soon, I just knew it. I figured what they REALLY needed was a chance to see what I’m capable of – to demonstrate my prowess!

Death says, “Do you really think there’s ANYONE left that doesn’t know how fast you can die?”

No, no, no – not my lifestone prowess! I mean my CRAFTING skills! Let’s face it – I’m a mean Tinkerer with items! Why, I bet my skill is almost in the NINETIES! Yes, that’s right kids – I’ve got a skill that is getting near to passing a HUNDRED points! Don’t try and keep up!

This turns out to be a wise move: not only is Item Tinkering a needed skill, but it turns out they have need of it RIGHT NOW! The guild has gotten a new flag that they need stamped, and nobody has Item Tinkering!

Nobody, that is – EXCEPT FOR YOURS TRULY! Yeah, that’s right – it falls to ME to stamp their brand new fancy flag! Of course, you have to be veeeeeeeeeeery careful with something like this…

Zkdog says, “Dude! WTH? You botched the flag! How is that even possible?!?!”
You say, “Hey man, Sholdem bumped my arm!”
Sholdem says, “I did not! I wasn’t anywhere near you! Zk, would you PLEASE get rid of Kwip and get Hostile back?”

Ha – those guys are such kidders! I knew they loved me! This friendly little jiving amongst peers was the SURE sign of their hearts melting for me!

Yeti Child tells you, “If you even come NEAR me, I’m killing you.”

Heh. Such kidders!

See, I KNEW they were kidding with me, because seven of them (Zkdog, Dartok, Juvai Shakar, Yeti Child, Aiko II, Sholdem and the Monarch, Thase Skotoso himself!) ALL agreed to take me on a quest for the SoLL! Yup, that’s right – Kwip, feckless wonder extraordinaire, was going to be the proud owner of one of the most legendary quest items in the game! Who’s not welcomed by his new guild now, goombahs?

Thase Skotoso says, “Ok, remember – place your bets early. Odds still have Kwip dying 12 times before we get to the Hall of Lost Light!”
You say, “What’s that you guys are talking about?”
Thase Skotoso says, “Ermm…nothing, Kwip! I was…ermm…making a joke!”
You say, “Oh. I don’t get it?”
Thase Skotoso says, “Uh, never mind that, it’s time to go!”

And off we went! There I was – in the DIRES! It would’ve been terrifying, but I had my allegiance mates all around me, ready to leap to my defense! At least, that’s what they SAID they were gonna do. Actually, tho, every time a monster got close, they’d all try and leap on it’s head. I’m not sure how excactly that helped me, but they insisted that what they were doing was REALLY important… My job, as they told me, was to kill all the monsters. I wasn’t sure if I could do this and I told them so, but for some reason this just made them all laugh. They said I’d have NO problem, so long as I put my swing on FULL power.

Death says, “Hi again! Wow, haven’t seen you this often since you tried to single-handedly make it through the Nexus!”

Then they suggested I try attacking on low power.

Death says, “Well, fancy meeting you here!”

They they suggested I try medium power.

Death says, “Knock knock.”

I was starting to get discouraged. The worst part was that every time I died, I’d lose them, and then I’d have to run all over looking for them again. I tried to ask them for buffs to help me keep up with them, but they said that Hostile used to ask for buffs, and I really needed to find my ‘own playstyle’ instead of mooching off of his. I’m not really sure what that meant, but apparently it was something like, “NO BUFFS 4 JOO!”

Zkdog came up with the idea of carrying a flag so I could see where he was. I thought this was a pretty good idea, and I tried really hard to keep up with him. Problem was, he kept running through huge groups of Lich Lords, Olthoi, Sclavus, Tuskers – you name it, he charged right through the middle of them.

Death says, “Well, hello again. Sigh. Really, isn’t there something more productive you can be doing?”

It was only later that I got close enough to read what the flag had written on it:
“Attention monsters! If you let me pass through your group, I promise to let you have the dipshit that’s following me!”

I wasn’t sure who it was referring to – there must’ve been some guy way behind me. Boy, I feel sorry for THAT dumb schmuck getting set up like this!



But finally, we make it to our goal: the Halls of Lost Light! Where I’m going to get my sword! I’m so excited, I can barely stand it! Everyone else helps calm me down by luring monsters up to pound the living crap out of me. At first I thought they were just being mean, but Yeti Child explained to me that this was how Hostile used to calm down and if I expected to fill his shoes – well, I just better start shaping up! I resolved to be more cheerful about my thrashings.

After the group gauged I had calmed down enough (and I think they were getting tired of waiting for me to get back from the lifestone all those times), we FINALLY entered the dungeon! I couldn’t tell you how excited I was! Here, accompanied by my new bestest friends, we were going to defeat the keeper of the Sword of Lost Light! I could almost taste victory! I envisioned the whole thing – my friends leading the way, clearing out the dungeon so that I might slay the Guardian of the Lost Light and win his sword as my own!

And then Sholdem took my kill.

It was still pretty exciting, though. Everyone got so worked up that they had to sacrifice Thase:

Zk was muttering some ceremony here. I’m not sure what it was all about, but since he was
wearing the turkey hat, we all had to obey him.

But that was ok. I began crying, and finally everyone got so sick of listening to me bitch, they promised that I could have the Sword if I would leave the allegiance and never come…hey!

You say, “But…guys – I thought you liked me!”
Juvai Shakar says, “Well, no, it wasn’t so much that we liked you as we liked making -fun- of you.”
You gasp.
Yeti Child says, “Yeah, that’s pretty much it, Kwip. But now you’re getting boring. We want Hostile back.”
You say, “But…but…I can be your new bestest friend! I’ll be fun! You’ll like me!”
Aiko II says, “Oh, we like you now.”
You say, “Really?”
Aiko II says, “Yes. Specifically, we’d like you to GO AWAY.”
You say, “Can I have the Sword?”
Dartok says, “Guys, let him have the sword, just get him out of here, PLEASE!”

Yeah, that’s right, check out my blade! I was pretty excited about it. I ran around for a bit showing it off to each of them in my glee. Then Thase said he was going to shove it up my nether regions if I didn’t leave.

You say, “But don’t you guys want to, I dunno, sign it?”
Thase said, “Ok, now I’m going to shove it up there SIDEWAYS if you don’t leave.”



Needless to say, I left.  I got what I wanted – a cool, cool sword! Let them have their little fun, I don’t care! *sniff* I got everything I need! *sniff sniff* I’m gonna go out now and slap some drudges down with this new bad sword, just to put it to good use!

So fine, Hostile – you might have won THIS round! They might like you better, with your fancy pants and ability to go longer than five minutes without visiting the lifestone! But just remember this: who’s got the shiny new Sword of Lost Light? Yeah, that’s right man – ME. I am l33t! I am da king! I am…

Thase Skotoso tells you, “Oh, Kwip, I forgot – we need that SoLL back.”
You tell Thase Skotoso, “What?!?!”
Thase Skotoso tells you, “Yeah, we’re gonna give it to Hostile if he comes back. Now hand it over.”


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