Mosswart Inbreeding

So here we go. Thanks to the mucho love of Kaigon, I’ve got a level 19 Kwip on Frostfell. I’m having a hell of a lot of fun playing him, too. I haven’t done anything yet besides the starter quest (and can I just take another opportunity here to state again for the record that the starter quest kicks more ass than Jackie Chan trying to fight his way out of a box of ass). However, I’ve gotten to the point now where I can actually sustain myself and hunt alone. Well, I mean, I still need to hit Burstun and beg my new family for some greater fire arrows, but that’s all in a day’s work, as far as I’m concerned.

Yes, I can get stocked and portal myself right into my new favorite hunting grounds – A Mosswart Hideout. That place is like the Ben & Jerry’s of hunting grounds for me. I can actually tank most of the Mossies that spawn here, and with the proper buffs, it’s not a bad place for me. Mostly because I think there’s a serious Radon leak somewhere in the dungeon, resulting in extreme brain damage for the Mossies. I mean, there’s 8 billion of them there. They can all cast spells and almost every single one of them carries a flaming weapon or a pointy stick. But what do they debuff you with?

Lightning Vuln.

Now that’s my sort of strategy. I can’t really say I blame them – after all, I’m the same guy that cast Bludgeon Vuln on myself as I lept into the subway. But they keep on doing it! I mean, why doesn’t one of them stop and think about this?

I can understand Zealots screwing up. I mean, they’re all into their religion and stuff. They’re too busy envoking the name of the Pillsbury Dough Boy-looking Idols to take the time to actually think about what they’re doing. But the Soul Trappers – I mean, come on guys, you’re supposed to be the geniuses out of your gang. How can you pause and think:

“Okay, Bob’s got a flaming sword. Joe’s got a flaming spear. I’ve got a flaming yaoji, which I’m not really sure what it is, but it looks an awful lot like a sword, so let’s just call it a flaming sword. Right. Okay, there’s an ugly Isparian in our home. What should I do? Well, Bob’s not doing much damage to the guy. Neither’s Joe. Hrmm…Wait! I know! I’ll fix this guy!”

Mosswart Soul Trapper casts Lightning Vulnerability III on you.

Brilliant.

So anyway, since I’m the mental equivalent of a 400lb sumo wrestler to their Richard Simmons when it comes to strategy, I like hunting here. But it’s a pretty easy place to hunt. You perch, wait for the spawn and shoot them in the head (there’s another brilliant strategy they have – “Hey! That guys standing on a pillar! Let’s all gather around the bottom and hug the pillar! Woah there, Joe – no wearing a helmet! That’s cheating!”).

But that doesn’t always provide the recommended daily allowance of fun and excitement I need. Sometimes – often, actually – I like to run down the halls and make fun of the Pillsburys I find down there. There’s some really big rooms below, too. If you’re really adventurous, you can run into one of them, start running in circles, and see how many Mossies you can get to follow you. My record is 14 right now. After that, they tend to get a little confused and begin just chasing each other, running into the walls, wandering aimlessly and eating paint chips off the floor.

These poor little guys must get terribly bored. You think your day sucks? Try standing in a hallway for hours at a time waiting for some goombah adventurer to run up and shove a flaming arrow in your face. I try and make it easy on them – sometimes I don’t always wear my armor. But they’re ALL carrying flaming swords and I swear it’s like watching the three stooges – they’ll come running into the room, the guy in the lead will trip on his flaming sword and impale himself on it, the second mossie will try and block my arrow with his face, and the third guy just explodes.

I tried giving classes to them. I showed them the difference between LIGHTNING weapons and FIRE weapons, but they didn’t want to pay attention and instead spent all of class time either trying to brutalize me with their spears or else wandering in circles looking for more paint chips to eat. And when I tried to teach them Fire Vulnerability, they cast it on each other, drew their flaming swords, and immediately burst into flames. Honestly. If there’s a Wi flag amongst us players, then there’s a Mossie flag somewhere in the Mosswarts. Probably in their frontal lobes.

Of course, I feel bad for them. But I’m certainly not gonna stop butchering the idiots. Darwin would be SO proud.

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