The Truth Finally Revealed…

Yes, it has been long enough. People deserve to know the truth about what happend that fateful night. Oh, sure, we’ve all heard the story – Fizzle claims he lost his house a full three days before rent was due. He has appealed to the Housing Commission and filed a complaint against his landlord with the Better Business Bureau, but still has not received any answer. The mystery of how, and why, he lost his place of residence has remained a mystery.

Until now.

Yes, read on, fearless readers – but I warn you! Read on only if you be brave of heart! For the truth is not fit for any man! There are horrors there that involve deep-seated psychosis, and a lot of me running around without my pants on! Consider yourself warned…

It started out as any ordinary day. I had been killed about fifteen times prior to getting out of the vicinity of the lifestone, and now Kwipette and I were touring the countryside. Being in his neck of the woods, we decided to pay Fizzle Storm a visit.

You say, “Fizzre! Knock knock!”
Fizzle Storm says, “Kwip! Kwipette! What are you wacky kids up to?”
You say, “We have come to grace you with our presence!”
Fizzle Storm says, “Well, be still my beating heart! Come in, come in. Can I get you something to drink?”
You say, “It’s about time someone asked me that! Yes, I will have a pint of Isparian Ale, my good man!”
Kwipette says, “No you don’t! You’ll have a glass of milk. Sorry, Fizzle, but you remember that last bit of trouble with Captain Underpants here and Isparian Ale.”
Fizzle Storm snickers.
You say, “Hey! I was hot, that’s all! And if the Virindi don’t want people running naked through their labs, they should lock their doors.”
Kwipette says, “Be that as it may, you’ll have milk.”
You say, “Woman! Do not forget your place! I have spoken! I will have Isparian Ale!”
Kwipette raises an eyebrow.
You say, “That is better! As I was saying, Fizzre, I will have CHOCOLATE milk!”
Fizzle Storm snickers and gets his visitors tasty beverages.

So the visit started off well. We shot the breeze, and then I entertained them by letting passing-by monsters kill me through the window. All in all, a pretty good visit. But then IT happened.

Kwipette says, “Well, I’ve got to run. There’s some errands I want to get done before it gets dark. You coming, honey?”
Fizzle Storm says, “No thanks, babe, I’ll just hang here.”
You shoot Fizzle Storm a dirty look.
Fizzle Storm looks pleased with himself.
You say, “No thanks, chick. If it’s cool with you, I’m gonna hang with Fizzle a bit longer.”
Kwipette says, “Okay – just stay out of trouble, you two!”

And then she LEFT!

Yes, you read that right – Kwipette left Fizzle Storm and I ALONE!

Well, for a few minutes, Fizzle and I just stared at each other in shock. Then, of course, we broke out the Isparian Ale. A few hours later, we were on his rooftop, singing.

You say, “bladda bladda bladda bladda HEY, MACARANA!”
Fizzle Storm giggles.
Fizzle Storm says, “Hey…wait a shec…I bet…I bet…wheresh my glassh..right! I bet I can jump ta Pete’s housh over there!”
You squint, “Nuh-uh! Bet joo twenty pyreals!”
Fizzle Storm says, “Joor on!”
Fizzle Storm dies!
You tell Fizzle Storm, “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
Fizzle Storm tells you, “Ah, shaddup already!”

———–to be continued—————

What does THIS button do?

So I’m bored and intent upon adventuring. Usually, this would consist of me running through a town in various stages of undress and taunting the locals. But as I signed in, someone was kind enough to have summoned a portal near me. Well, as we all know, that is like waving a cape in front of a bulls face. Or a pint of Ben & Jerry’s before me. Or an intern before Bill Clinton. Oh yes, I went there!

Er…where was I? Oh, right, portal. So a portal has been summoned, which of course means that I have to jump through it. Now we all know that this usually means I’m about to be gang-raped by a bunch of Bloods that have nothing better to do than sheath their weapons in my forehead. But not this time! For you forget…or I forgot to tell you…one or the other…that I am now trying my hand on WE, because playing on DT is immeasurabely fun, but in order to harrass Kaigon and Mac, I’ve had to migrate to WE. A migration, I might add, which is going about as smoothly as the “Sleep with a Dev” contest I tried to organize (hey man, I’m telling you, I know I organized it and all, but I really did draw my own name from the hat, and I can’t help it if no one told Michelle that she was nominated – but really, a restraining order? Was that really necessary?).

So here I am, recently in my 13th level of glory, ready for the dangers and adventure of the world!

Unfortunately, I was not ready for the flaming swords that some little mossie bastard was currently beating on the back of my skull with.

So now I’m back at the lifestone. Which sucks, because I dropped my Kireth Gown, and I…er…did I say Kireth Gown? No, no, no – that’s not at all what I meant. What would I be doing with a fine gown? Never mind the way it feels on your skin, that’s ridiculous. What I meant to say, of course, was that I had dropped my…ermm…armor! Yes! My large, very valuable, very important platemail hauberk! Yes! That’s a fine piece of armor there, your platemail hauberk. Very good coverage; very handsome, and above all, very, very butch.

Anyway, I dropped this important piece of armor. But I had no idea where I dropped it, which is usually what happens to most of my equipment. I swear, you guys think Turbine added no-drop content for your sorry asses? Yeah, right – they put that in because they were tired of all the crap I kept dropping spread across the world and lagging up the server.

Well, now I have but one choice: to begin hunting for the dungeon I lost it in. I had a pretty good idea of where it was – somewhere underground. I was pretty sure I had the distinct impression of a lack of windows. And it was on the other side of a portal.

And so, armed with that knowledge, I set out across the landscape, trying to find this dungeon. The first dungeon I went into greeted me with a bunch of banderlings who were eage to hump my leg. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to help them, because I had to get back to the lifestone.

Sigh.

Next dungeon I came to seemed empty except for this weird PHWISH-THUMP noise I kept hearing. I went around a corner, and saw a swarm of Lugians (err…not swarm. Mob? Group? Gang? Gaggle?) throwing stones at the wall. I thought it was pretty funny, and they must’ve too, because they then tried to give me some stones to throw. Unfortunately, I left my catchers glove at the Lifestone, so I had to go back and get it.

Sigh again.

These dungeons are tricky things. Now I know why I’ve never completed any quests. Where are the quests involving, I dunno, maybe a mountain creek and a picnic basket? Hrm? Answer me that, buckos!

So now I’m down three corpses. But it’s now become a matter of principle that I have to find the dungeon where I left my dress. Hauberk. Yes. My manly hauberk.

I tried to ask in town, but for some reason when I asked everyone where “that one dungeon is that’s underground and has monsters and stuff in it,” everyone suddenly turned into a comedian. Hrmph. Bastiches.

Finally, after about another half-hour of tripping the vitae fantistic, I found a dungeon that looked vaguely familiar. There weren’t any mossie bastards with flaming swords, but there WAS someone else there in a pile of bodies and just looking like a smug goombah.

You say, “Howdy! Listen, you didn’t happen to see a corpse lying around here?”
Perky says, “What’d it look like?”
You say, “Uh…like this:”
You died!

Perky tells you, “No, sorry – but there was another guy in here before me. Maybe he saw it?”
You tell Perky, “Right you are then. I’ll just be heading back.”

So now I’ve got to run to this dungeon AGAIN. Perky tried to tell me some nonsense about coordinates, but gimme a break, what am I, Christopher Columbus? I don’t have time to be mucking about with any of those higher math functions. Sheesh.

When I get back, Percy has kept the room clear for me and waits while I retrieve the valuable goods I dropped on that last corpse. I TOLD those guys that cheese would come in handy!

So now we’re adventuring. Into the dungeon depths we go! There were all sorts of those vicious little bastiches with the flaming weapons, but Percy dealt with them while I shouted words of encouragement. I was gonna help him, but I lost all my weapons about five bodies ago. So mostly I take up the time telling him about the interesting boils that have developed on my back.

After just two minutes of this, Percy says we need a rest. So we sit down – but no sooner do I get settled in then he takes off running! I tried to get up to follow him, but I only succeeded in mashing the keyboard, which left me hopping around and screaming out, “SHAZRAM IS THE LOVE-CHILD OF THE DEVIL AND MICK JAGGER” for some strange reason. Must be one of those emotes.

I wander around a bit longer, and I come to a room with this big-ass lever in the middle of it. I’ve seen these things before, but I had no idea what this thing would do. One side of the room opened up into a big pit, and looking down there I spotted Percy. He was just finishing up with some nasties, but it looked like a close one. He had taken a sound thrashing! As he laid down to rest, I figured that nothing would cheer him up like some words of encouragement.

You say, “Percy Percy treats monsters like his bitch! Percy Percy makes me so happy I’ll throw this switch!”
Percy says, “no kwip don’t touch that!”
You activate the lever.

Well, my cheers must’ve been a bit too noisy, ’cause right about then a door opened up and about – oh, I dunno…one, two, three…twenty of those vicious little bastards came charging out.

They kicked the hell out of Percy in short order. Guess my cheers weren’t THAT helpful. It wasn’t MY fault, though. He was just laying there, all lazy and slothful like! He started sending me a bunch of tells about what he was gonna do to me when he caught up with me, but some of them were just physically impossible. Ha. That guy’s such a kidder!