Don’t Make Us Come Over There…

 So I’m cruising through MSNBC, looking for some porn. Err…I mean, some news, and I come across this little snippet (and yes, I stole it all from MSNBC – is that illegal or something?):


MSNBC STAFF AND WIRE REPORTS
WASHINGTON, April 3 —  President Bush called on China to immediately release the American crew members of a damaged Navy spy plane, suggesting further delay could undermine U.S.-Chinese relations. In a carefully worded statement at the White House Tuesday, Bush said the United States had allowed time for China “to do the right thing” and that it was now “time for our service men and women to come home. And it is time for the Chinese to return our plane.”

I don’t understand all this pussyfooting around…what, did we loose all of our nukes? What the hell’s the problem? No, no, no, sheesh, I’m just kidding! I don’t approve of any weapon of mass destruction. I think wars should be fought with Battlebots. Then again, with my luck, the USA would get stuck being represented by that pansy-ass “Buddy Lee Don’t Play in the Street” bot. I wish someone would make a bot named “Buddy Lee, eat this you little bastard!” and equip it with a flamethrower and a couple of rockets. That thing is the most pathetic, stupidest bot I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a LOT of bots, let me tell YOU! Have I told you about the bots disguised as Amish people around where I live? They’re watching me, I tell you! I think their horses are secret radio transmitters, too – they keep leaving these damn message capsules out in the damn street everywhere I go, so it’s obvious they’re following me…

Where the hell was I? Oh, yes, China horking one of our spyplanes. Look, I’ve eaten in MANY MANY Chinese restaurants, and I ALWAYS read my fortune cookies, so I figure I’m pretty damn qualified to give advice in this situation. Let’s study the case:

First up, for the defense, some more quotes (blatantly stolen from that article):

In Beijing, the Foreign Ministry quoted Chinese President Jiang Zemin as saying responsibility for the incident “fully lies with the American side.” Foreign Ministry spokesman Zhu Bangzao read the statement, adding that Beijing expects an apology because “China is the victim.”

Jiang said the U.S. plane violated international law and intruded into Chinese airspace by making its emergency landing without permission.

“It is the U.S. airplane that flew against the rules, made dangerous maneuvers, damaged our airplane,” Zhu quoted the Chinese president as saying.

Alright sparky, have a seat and let’s look at a few facts, shall we?

First off, “the U.S. plane violated international law and intruded into Chinese airspace by making its emergency landing without permission”? What the hell is up with that? That’s why it’s called an EMERGENCY landing, bucko! Is this the same mentality that sees a person on fire, grabs a fire extinguisher, and then checks to see if it was recently inspected while said person gets crispy crunchy?

Second, this is the US Spyplane:

Hrmm…where have I seen something like that before…oh, I know! It was the last time I was at the bus station! BECAUSE THAT THING’S A GIANT FRIGGIN’ AIR BUS! And outside of “Speed”, I haven’t seen too many damn buses pulling “dangerous maneuvers”! What the hell kind of double-speak crap is that? That’s like a dumb-ass elephant poacher claiming, “Ah, yes, well, you see, I was just firing my Magnum 8,000,000 rifle towards some trees and this mad elephant THREW itself into the way of my bullet!” Is anyone actually buying that crap?

Look, I’m all for spying and espionage. Let’s face it, without it, our movies, books and video games would be boring as hell. “Alright James, your mission today is to break into the Prime Minister’s privy and swipe me a roll of that super-cushiony toilet paper!”

But where the hell is the logic in this action? What, because we as a country gleefully looked on when that idiot Michael Fay got his ass beat in Singapore, China thought it was such a great idea that they’d smack the ass of an entire PLANE and see how we liked it? Is this some sort of kinky come-on? I mean hell, they’ve got enough spies in place now to steal any information that could’ve been on that plane anyway WITHOUT causing an international incident. Why risk it?

But if President Kwip was running things, I’d tell you what I’d do: I’d get on that super-slick Batphone they’ve got at the White House (you know the one, it’ll connect you with any world leader instantly over a video phone, and they’ll speak perfect english), and I’d wag my finger over a big red button on my desk – “Hi guys! Listen, here’s the dealio: either you give us back our plane and our troops, or I’m gonna press this here button and rain down hell upon your heads. You’ve got five seconds to agree. Five!”
“But President Kwip, you have no right to dictate demands to us!”
“Four!”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Three!”
“You don’t frighten us!”
“Two!”
“We will never surrender!”
“One!”
“All your spyplane are belong to us!”

WHAM!!!! And I’d pound that button for all I was worth! But I know what you’re thinking: “Wait – Kwip, you said you were against weapons of mass destruction!” And so I am! But what I didn’t tell you is what that button does! Upon pressing it, hundreds of our ICBMs are launched at major Chinese cities. When they get about a mile over the cities, they explode, and thousands upon thousands of little packages all with cute little parachutes rain down upon their cities. Inside each package? Lots of N’Sync, Backstreet Boys, and the Olsen Twins CDs!

Mwuah-ha-ha-ha!!!! Man, I can’t WAIT to be President! I bet I will raise a hella ton of money for the MS Walk then!

“Pledge to me or I nuke your ass!”

Hee hee hee…

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