Yes I Suck – But If I Beat You, You REALLY Suck!

Look, let’s get one thing straight: I suck. LORDY, how I suck. Two days ago, I got killed by a LEVEL THREE MACRO’ER AT A LIFESTONE. I’m not making this up – I was screwing around doing something, and when I decided to do something about this little rib-tickling bastard, I spend the next five minutes arguing with myself about weapon to use to smite the little bastard. I finally decided on one, and by the time I got it out of my pocket and equipped, I was dead.

Yup, I suck THAT bad.


Wanna take one guess who sucks WORSE than me? No one, you say? Impossible, you say? Well, let me set the stage for you: my loyal vassal Kampahn and I were running around to equip my new mule, who is gonna in turn equip my new mage, so that…ah, screw it, you get the idea. So I get loaded up on all the supplies I need, then hand them over to Kamp to hold for my new mule. I log off, bring in my new mule.

Little sidetrack here: my new mule’s name is “You want”. I don’t know who the hell first posted the story about their character “You have” (if you’ve never read it, go search on the AC Vault boards), but that was the inspiration for this little devil. Mostly I just ran around with him, emoting like thus:

You want a punch in the mouth?
You want to start some shit?
You want a cookie?
You want to make wild passionate sex with Kwip?
You want to come over here and say that, assface?

Good clean fun! But then… DUM DEE DUM (gotta get a soundtrack)… as I’m standing there in all my level 1 splendor, a Blood arrives on the scene! But not just any Blood – this was the man, the myth, the legend – well, okay, it was just Dark-Plague. Never heard of him before, didn’t know squat about him, and really didn’t care. Id’d him, saw he was a level 42 Blood. Which meant…

Dark-Plague smites Kampahn mightily!

Well, poop. So much for getting anything done today. Guess I have no option but to log Kwip on and get some more vitae. So I do (Kwip happened to be logged off right at this spot, conveniently enough). I shimmer in to existance, and see him standing on top of the advocate tower. So I pop an arrow at him, lightning, to be exact, knowing that I’m pretty much screwed. I can’t take people half my level, let alone someone 11 levels above me…

You spark Dark-Plague for 6 points of damage!

Wow, I actually hit! And caused damage! Woah! I might actually get to…

Dark-Plague casts Fire Vulnerability IV on you!

Ah, well, there you go. It was fun while it lasted, but looks like he’s got his act together now. Nothing left but for him to whip out a fire weapon and hand me my ass.

But – surprise, surprise, and no one was more surprised than I – instead he tries to hit me. With War Magic. While standing in the middle of the top of the Advocate tower – I suppose to hide from my arrows.

Let’s just do a bit of physics here, okay (just a tiny bit, I promise): War magic, warm fuzzy stuff that it is, travels in a straight line. So if there’s, say, a three foot high wall between you and the person 20 feet below you, odds are good that it’s going to hit the wall. Yes, even if you try it three times in a row, Dark-Plague. A++ for effort, though. HOWEVER – and here’s the really tricky part – ARROWS, launched from a bow, will not travel in a straight line. In fact, they will arch up, curve over the wall, and then land.

On your head.

You blister Dark-Plague for 9 points of damage! (Yeah, I switched to acid at this point. Wish I had Greaters, though!)
You blister Dark-Plague for 9 points of damage!
You blister Dark-Plague for 16 points of damage!

Whoo-hoo-hoo. At this point, it’s just plain silly. He is now running around ground level, trying to hit me with war spells – which, being the 3L33T bug exploiting haxor that I am, I move aside for (funny how that works, huh?). But Dark suddenly gets it in his head to charge me! That’ll fix me!

So, brandishing his trusty acid katar (remember, he vuln’d me for fire – I only say this because he obviously forgot, so I want to help the other mentally challanged that are out there stay with the rest of us), he charges me and commences swinging.

Finally, I think. Now it’s going to end.

Wanna guess what happens next? Here’s some important info to help the story be even more funny:

  1. Most importantly, I’m Kwip. I REALLY suxors at PvP. I can’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag.
  2. While it is true that I do have a 110% comp bow, I do not have a high enough bow skill to actually use the enchantments on it, so I have to cast my own.
  3. None of which I had cast on the bow at this point.
  4. I suck. Did I mention that before?
  5. I’m wearing a robe. An unbuffed robe. While I do have Armor IV on, I also am at 117% burden.
  6. I have never ever won against someone my level. Not even close. Not even someone near my level.
  7. I have 18% vitae. From a couple of Bloods, ironically enough.
  8. In the middle of a fight, I will often stop to laugh out loud, make jokes, etc – all too add to the mood, but which usually result in my death much, much sooner.
  9. No, I REALLY suck. Really. Ask around.

So, now that we have that settled, want to guess what happens next?

You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!

Yes, that many times. At least. No, I’m not lying. I wouldn’t shit you, you’re my favorite turd! I – Me, Kwip, the eversuck, DODGED someone – not once, not twice, but MANY MANY times! And hit them back! Hard!

So, after flailing his purse at me like the nancy boy he is, Dark has had to much. He fled. Take a look:

I know, I couldn’t believe it myself! And take a look at my health – I’m down about FOUR points! Mwuah-ha-ha-ha!!!

Now don’t get me wrong; I know I suck. I know that most people would mow through me without a second thought – buffed or unbuffed. But Dark, YOU SUCK. You can say whatever you want. You can buff and come kick my ass till my credit is no good at the neighborhood Lifestones. You can pull my pants down, smack my ass, and call me Suzy – BUT I MADE YOU RECALL AWAY FROM ME. I don’t give a shit what your justification was, how bad you were hurting, where you left all your ‘good’ weapons – YOU GOT YOUR ASS O\/\/|\|3D BY KWIP. Let the teasing now commence. Feel free to send him a tell on my behalf!

The sad thing is, it will never matter how many rematches we have, how you strip naked and beat me with nothing but your fists from now on – none of that. Because I OWNED Joo! Hee hee hee! Please – tell me again how I’m weak? Weeeeeee!

Sometimes life is good.

Oh, and special note here: I have absolutely nothing against Blood. They kill me just fine and just as regular as anyone else. I only mention his guild to show some irony. I’ve met several of them, and like I’ve said many, many times – I judge by actions, not label. I may attack because of your label, but that’s nothing personal…

Oh, Geeze, Not AGAIN!

Oh, for Bob’s sake…

ANOTHER Dupe bug?

Yes, this hot off the presses – some lucky bastards found out how to dupe Bandit Hilts, apparently. That’s what this whole new server downtime is about, I suppose. Rumors are flying about a rollback – I pretty much doubt it, myself, but when the hell have I been right about anything? For all I know, I’ll sign on tomorrow night and be level one at the tutorial dungeon – which wouldn’t be a great change, mind you…

I wish people would stop screaming at Turbine about bugs. Shit happens. If it was some big gaping bug that they knew about and refused to fix, well, that’s one thing – but shit like this, it’s a no-win situation, no matter what they do. No wonder Devilmouse’s socks are dirty as hell – he’s got to trudge through eight feet of shit every day on his way to work…

And all this pissing and moaning about people that exploit bugs…you know what? I don’t care. Yup; it’s unfair like a motherfucker. Nope; I wouldn’t exploit the bug if I knew about it. I’ve joked many a times with friends about doing that – but when push came to shove, I’ve never abused a bug. But if someone wants to abuse it – hey, their quarter, their ride. Yup, it unbalances this that and the other thing. But I’ve been unbalanced so friggin’ long I think Quasimodo is the most straight-walkin’ mofo I’ve ever seen…

So here’s the deal: you want to cheat (and yes, it is cheating), that’s fine. I don’t, mostly because I wouldn’t be Kwip if I didn’t suck. And sucking at things makes life interesting for me. But I’m not gonna condemn you if you do cheat – I don’t care. You’d kill me with or without the bug anyway, so what difference does it make to me?

Cool so far, right? Well, here’s the problem: DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO FUCKING TELL ME THAT I’D CHEAT TOO IF I KNEW HOW. I don’t give a flying donkey ass how or why you cheat; but don’t try to justify your behavior by painting my actions with that same brush, asshole. You want to take the easy way out of something, go for it! You want to exploit a bug so you can brag to chicks that you’re a macho man in a video game, whooo-hooo, more power to you! But you’re cheating – don’t try and justify your choice to take the pussy way out of things by saying that I’d do the exact same thing. You don’t know jack about who I am or what I do (well, except that I suck, and that’s a given) – fact is, I knew about several of the cheats a long time ago – never used them, because I didn’t really care to. Playing this game to me wasn’t about getting all the shiny new toys or raping newbs or bragging of my own uberness, it was about having fun. So it yanks my chain when some asshole that can’t live with the fact that they suck and have to cheat to achieve tries to justify their behavior by saying “Oh, everyone does it…” What a crock of shit. I don’t care if it’s a cheat to change the color of your cheese or a cheat to give you perma-buffed matty robes; that shit is cheating. If you lack the spine to obtain things honestly, at least have the intestinal fortitude to admit that you cheated to get things. Truth is, I find many of those stories funny – I love hearing about exploits and people’s adventures with them. And if you use them, that doesn’t make you a bad person. BUT IF YOU LACK THE BALLS TO ADMIT THAT YOU CHEATED AND INSTEAD TRY TO LOWER THE STANDARD OF WHAT IS HONEST DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL OF ‘HONESTY,’ DO ME A FAVOR: GO FUCK YOURSELF. Man, if I could cheat, I’d be the most smack-talking foolio about it you’d ever see. But I couldn’t figure out any of the stuff, and really didn’t care about it. OOooooooh, dupe something – what? I’ve got exactly bubcus worth anything except my comp bow, and I’m not loosing that anyway.

So anyway, now that that’s over: how about that bug, huh? Ain’t that some shit? I think the very first big bug I ever heard about was Vig & Co. figured out how to get past some door or another. I dunno, I already forgot about it. Their adventures trying to get it to work were funny as hell, though. Then I heard about the dupe bug – one of my friends tried it, but said it didn’t work. Of course, the next day he showed up driving a pyreal cadillac, so we were all suspicious….

But boy oh boy, anytime a big thing like this happens, you’d think it was the end of the world! I sign in tonite, and people are pulling out their hair and wailing! I thought there was a David Hasslehoff concert nearby or something, but it turns out there is all this doom-saying about a rollback because of this latest bug. I just want to know, how the hell does someone find these things? Are people THAT friggin’ bored on the white servers that they say, “hrmmm… you know what would be fun – if I pulled out a red gem, cast blood drinker VI on it, sold it, bought it back from the merchant, muled it, put it in my next to last pack (that has to be brown), and then stuck it up my butt… I wonder what would happen? Holy cow! Permabuffs!” No wonder Turbine refuses to say whether their new engine is AC 2 or not. As soon as they do, some bastard’s gonna pop in there and figure out how to permabuff his soup spoon with BD XXVII…

I suppose the one good thing to come out of this is that you can bet there ain’t no Sentinals being blamed for this. Personally, I blame the cows… but that’s a whole ‘nother story…

Milk me!

Mad Cow disease my keister! Sure, everyone used to laugh at me for talking about the cows and their schemes to destroy us all… I bet this poor goombah’s not laughing!

That’s right, be-yatches, those cows tore this guy a new udder! Let me just quote a couple of my favorite lines from this article: “when the Jersey cows spotted him”. Heh – okay, first off, that state doesn’t suck bad enough, now the cows they export are hooligans, too? This isn’t foot and hoof disease, this is hoof and ass disease – as in, their hoofs in your ass! But better yet, the cows ‘spotted’ him. Heh – is that like a scene from a bad teenage gang movie, when the good kid’s just strolling along, minding his own business, and suddenly the bad gang ‘spots’ him, then proceeds to trot over and kick the living snot out of him, all the while chanting about him not being bad enough nor tough enough… who’s choreographing these cows, the guy from West Side Story?

“There were calves in the field, so I think the cows were being protective” – yeah, right. THEY’RE COWS! You know, the same animals that we take their calves and lock them in tiny little cages with no light so we can have the yum-yum taste of veal? Where the hell are these cow commandos when that’s going on? No wonder everyone opposes steroid treatments on cows, these guys just kicked the hell out of someone – can you imagine if they were on ‘roids? The paramedics would have arrived to see this poor bastard on a spit whilst a group of cows kept dousing him with beer and the girly cows played volleyball in the background.

“We called in the police helicopter, and when it arrived all the cows came over to see what was going on” – yeah, look who’s playing innocent now. As if those bovine bastiches didn’t know what that copter was there for. “Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo, just strolling by, officer, chewing our cud, don’t mind us. Oh, it looks like that person there had a nasty fall! Terrible gopher holes in these fields, aren’t they? Bet he’ll be more careful next time HE WANTS TO HAVE A BEEF BARBEQUE, YOU SONOFABITCH! THIS WAS JUST A WARNING! NEXT TIME YOU POP BY PONDEROSA FOR A YUMMY STEAK, YOU BETTER REMEMBER THIS! Ahem. Oh, sorry officer, I meant… Mooo”

I’m telling you, if I was this Hine guy, the first thing I’d do (after getting out of the ER, of course), is march right down to the local grocery store, buy every steak they’ve got in the joint, and have a cookout the likes of which has never been seen since wooly mammoths walked the earth… Can you imagine the next time some vegan asshole gives this guy a hard time about eating defenseless animals? I’d beat the shit out of them with a raw steak, I would.

Of course, if I was friends with this guy, I’d NEVER let him live this down. “Hey John, we’re going out for burgers…oh, sorry man, didn’t mean to give you flashbacks, there.” “Hey John, lookout! That steak tar-tar’s coming for you!” “John, next time you see some cows heading for you, just keep on moooooooving!”

And what I want to know is, how slow does it have to be in a newsroom before you send out a reporter to cover the story of some yahoo getting his butt handed to him by some bovines? “Well, let’s see, we’ve only got two reporters for this shift… let’s see what’s going on in the world… another terrorist attack… hrmmm… political scandal involving the Queen Mother and some nuns… murderous rampage in a classroom… wait a sec… Cow attacks? Holy shit! Stop the presses! Clark! Take Jimmy Olsen and get me the story about these cows!

So go ahead, keep laughing at my cow armor and my battles against the dark cow army… you better just pray that next time you’re crossing a deserted pasture and some Jersey’s spot you that there are some Kwiplings nearby to hear your call for help. Otherwise, you’ll be just another number for these four-legged thugs…

Newbs! Weeee!

Fresh Meat says, “i swere if u dont stfu ur dead, kwip!!!!”

Yup; I’ve sank that low: tormenting newbs. I can’t help it! Those cute little skirts they all wear, with the push-up leather outfits! How can anyone resist! What? Jennifer who? Oh, her. Right. Simple mistake…

Okay, so they may not wear the sexiest outfits in the world, but newbs are DAMN fun to play with! Especially nowadays… I’ve finally made the big bad 3-0 mark…

Death says, “Mwuah-ha-ha! That’s right! And it won’t be long until I see you, old man!”
You say, “Shut up you rotten bastard, I’m talking about levels, not age!”
Death says, “Potato, patahto.”

Anyway, as I was saying… I’ve finally made it to level 30. In comparison to the rest of the general population, this puts me around level 5 or so. So I’m FINALLY able to make my way into newb towns and make new friends!

Fresh Meat failed to assess you!
Fresh Meat says, “i swere if u dont stfu ur dead, kwip!!!!”
Fresh Meat failed to assess you!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “I GOT…hey! Oh my gosh! Fresh Meat is a pk! Hep me! Hep me! Save me!”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
Kwip lifts his skirts and begins running for the hills!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
Kwip stands and watches this for a minute…
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “Geeeeeeeeeeez, you suxors! What the hells your sword skill at, two?”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “Hey, maybe you’re a mage.”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
Fresh Meat says, “i may miss but if i hit ur dead”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
Fresh Meat says, “1 hit an dead”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
Kwip giggles.
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “No, seriously. That tickles. Quit it. Sheesh…how do you even have any stamina left?”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “Uh-oh! No stamina! You know what THAT means?”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “Dooo dee dooo… Ivory plate, I choose jooo!”
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “Malar Aeril”
The magic courses through you!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You cast Blood Drinker IV on Ivory Plate!
You evaded Fresh Meat!
You say, “Here, catch!”
You smite Fresh Meat so hard the lifestone flinches!

Okay, okay – that was childish and very mean. I’m talking about casting Blood Drinker – like that was needed. The smiting was obviously needed, but I suppose it was cruel and unusual to add insult to injury with the added spell… then again…

You tell Fresh Meat, “0\/\/|\|3D!!!! TMO, baby!”

Gosh, sometimes I crack myself up…

But life isn’t always giggles for me now, don’t get me wrong. Although I’ve finally got my miserable little bastich mule making elemental arrows for me, life isn’t exactly the piece of cake a famous sex icon like me should have…

For example, the other day I’m taking perverse glee in mowing down iron golems with acid arrows. 103 pts of damage in one hit! 110! 134 – oh, a new world record ladies and gentlemen! So OF COURSE I now know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, Turbine wubs me. Let’s look at the facts, shall we?

I strung my 110% comp bow on my first try – with a base bow skill of 132. Hee.
I got my own pack monster!
I have a FULL set of cow armor (ladies, contain yourselves, please)!
I have just brutalized not one, not two, but THREE iron golems in a row! Mwuah ha ha! Hey… what’s the sound? Oh, look, another golem! Take that, foul fiend! Hrmm… 1 point of damage? That can’t be right… let me try again… 2 points… 2 points… 1 point… Oh, an OBSIDIAN golem! Wow, that things so pretty the way it sparkles…URK!!!

Obsidian golem smites you so hard the lifestone flinches!
Obsidian golem tells you, “0\/\/|\|3D”
Death says, “Welcome back, sweetie!”
You sigh.