A Job Offer!

Whooo-hooo! So Turbine needs some new content developers, eh? Well, I am DEFINITELY all over that. I mean, let’s face it: whose dungeon would you rather go through, some limp-wristed nancy boy that wants you to take on a pack of snarling Virindi to further the ongoing plot and all that nonsense; or would you rather bravely face down a horde of killer cows just to get some cool-ass pants? Exactly! Not even a close contest.

I wonder how much phat lewt they’ll offer me to work there? I’m considering having my agent put a clause in my contract that insists they provide me with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s a day, as well as hourly back massages from Gillian Anderson. Hrmm…think that’s too steep? Well, okay, maybe I’ll settle for women that look LIKE Gillian Anderson giving me backrubs…sheesh. This overflow of IT professionals really has us lowering our standards, doesn’t it?

Death says, “Kwip, you know there’s one question that’s going to be on everyone’s minds…”
You say, “Ah, yes: let me assure you, I had NO idea that the midget in question was in fact a minor, nor in fact that they were actually a sheep.”
You say, “I merely thought this was some sort of ‘hazing’ ceremony put upon me by…”
Death says, “Ewww, no you sick bastard, the OTHER question!”
You say, “Oh, right right – why didn’t I submit my ideas to the contest?”
Death says, “Yeah, that one. Sheesh.”

Okay, truth be told, I thought that the content contest was cool and all, I was just…ermm…kidnapped by rabid drudges that insisted I teach them how to dance so they can better score at the Monster Balls! And they didn’t let me out till just now!

Alright, that’s such a lame lie you’d think I was campaigning for President. Truth is, I didn’t enter the contest because I wasn’t impressed with the prizes. Hey, if I’m going to reveal my “Secret Quest for the Great and Powerful Bovinenatross Pants,” it’s not going to be for a free subscription! I want offers of stardom! Statues in my honor! Towns named after me! Oh, and I wanna carve my name in the landscape, too!

But I’m telling you: the most overlooked foe in this world is the cow. Oh, sure, laugh if you want. But they’re out there. They sneak into our towns at night. They sit around the middle of the town, unmolested except for the occasional Kwipling, jotting down notes and observing our defenses. Think I’m paranoid? One word: Chicago. Yeah, think that great fire was an accident? You’ve obviously fallen victim to their propoganda… If I’m made a Content Developer, there will be a war against these vile creatures! You all think that the Arwic crater was left by the Shadow Spires? Fools! What is in the middle of that crater?!? That’s right – a COW! Ha! Sure, he was killed by the impact – THIS time. But just wait until they get their jump skill high enough! Then they’ll be pelting the hell out of our towns with no loss to themselves! But it’s not too late – help defend Dereth! Eat a steak today!

Now come on, with a build up like that, how can you NOT want me to develop new dungeons and storylines for you?

Boy, I LOVE being a monarch!

Boy, I LOVE being a monarch!

But there seems to be this great cloud of confusion following me – let me try and clear it up: I am NOT Anti. I am NOT Pk. I am NOT Neutral. I’m a moody, tempramental bastich that enjoys laughing. Usually at people. The Kwiplings are whatever they are; I will not kick someone out if they pk you; I will not randomly pk someone. Well, except if I’m playing JFK at a newb town with Vig and Warchild. But that’s all in good fun…

Look, I’m here to have fun. I LOVE the fact that there are different factions on our world! Yeay! Fight fight fight! But I don’t really want any part of them. I’ll play on whichever side suits my mood; sure, I may defend the hell out of AB as best as my pathetic ass is capable of, but I do it for kicks. I have no particular hatred for one group or another (not even Bloods – I’ve met some that were pretty cool froods). I’ve got some serious mad love for Thrill Killers, but I’ve also got mad love for Lansing’s gang. Because the people behind those labels were hella cool; nothing to do with who they did or didn’t killed. Hey, if you’re hardcore Anti and don’t want Kwiplings in your turf, that’s all well and fine. I won’t hate you – it’s not personal. But if you act like an Asshole, well, that may earn you the beloved status of KOS among the Kwiplings (not that this is anything to be afraid of – right now, I’m the only one on our KOS list).

But I’m still getting labeled as an Anti, I suppose, which is leading to all sorts of great fun:

Schmedicus tells you, “hey! your vassle jus pk’d one of mine!”
Schmedicus tells you, “i want all his stuff brought back and him brought to me or else were hunting u 4ever!”

Hee hee hee!!! Well, first off, everyone else on this server seems to be hunting me for one reason or the other, why should you get denied the fun, second off – does Blood ever get these sorts of tells? I just wondered…
You tell Schmedicus, “Oh my gosh! A PK? Who was it?”
Schmedicus tells you, “kneilson”
You tell Schmedicus, “Who the hell’s that? He’s not a Kwipling! You lying bastard!”
Schmedicus tells you, “no, that guys in my monarchy”
You tell Schmedicus, “Well, if this PK is in YOUR Monarchy, why the hell are you bugging me?”
Schmedicus tells you, “no man, kneilsons my vessle, your vassle the avatar ii pk’d him!”
You tell Schmedicus, “Man, oh man – I thought I could trust that guy! Let me look into this!”
You tell The Avatar II, “Hey you! Are you pk’ing again?”
The Avatar II tells you, “Damn straight I looted your body, you little bitch! That’s what us PK’ers do! Now shut up or I’ll pk you again!”
The Avatar II tells you, “Uh…whoops! Mistell!”
You tell The Avatar II, “Oh, not a problem, happens all the time. So listen, are you pk’ing again?”
The Avatar II tells you, “MOI?! Pk? Who has said such a thing!?!”
You tell The Avatar II, “I dunno, some Kneilson or something cried to his monarch, who is in turn bitching at me.”
The Avatar II tells you, “Kneilson…hrm…Oh! That little bitch who thought he could escape me through a portal! LOL!”
You tell The Avatar II, “So did you pk him?”
The Avatar II tells you, “Nope. No, no, no, not at all. Never touched a hair on his head!”
You tell The Avatar II, “Hee hee hee – I love you, man!”

Well, seems cut and dried to me! Poor little Avatar was being blamed for some other evil doers deeds! My poor little mook! I must defend him, being the 3L33T monarch I am!
You tell Schmedicus, “Nope, sorry man, you’re wrong.”
Schmedicus tells you, “wat r u sayin?”
You tell Schmedicus, “It seems your vassal lied to you.”
Schmedicus tells you, “no way! ur guy pk’d him!”
You tell Schmedicus, “No, your vassal started it – he was saying something about only being under you until he gets that 110 bow you promised.”
Schmedicus tells you, “wat r u talkinga bout? i never prmomised him that”
You tell Schmedicus, “Oh, wait – my bad. It was motes.”
Schmedicus tells you, “what? waht’d he say?”
You tell Schmedicus, “He said that he was staying under you until you got him enough motes for his Atlan, then going PK.”
You tell Schmedicus, “So that’s why Avatar attacked him.”
Schmedicus tells you, “i knew i couldn’t trust that guy! his ass is GONE!”
You tell Schmedicus, “Well, it’s a shame when you have to do stuff like that, but that’s part of being a Monarch.”
Schmedicus tells you, “yuh, it sux. he was a friend, 2.”
You tell Schemdicus, “Yeah, well – sometimes, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Good luck!”
Schmedicus tells you, “u 2!”

Hooo-hooo-hooo! I have so much fun!

But I have to admit, I have been thinking of moving on. I dunno, I just find myself…well, sort of bored. Sigh… there’s still lots of fun to be had, and my ego still swells with every tell I get, but… I’m weary. I’m tired of dealing with Assholes, mostly. There used to be tons of hella cool people here, but now they’re fewer and farther between. And there’s a lot of kids here – don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some sort of ageism – it’s just that the ‘kids’ I see more and more of act just like kids – lots of shit talking, acting like little bastards when things don’t go their way, crying about everything under the sun, and finding amusement in just being an Asshole about stuff. It’s getting pretty old. I liked DT when there were the epic battles between the Clans, and all the politicking, backstabbing, town raids….well, granted, a lot of that is still there, but not as much as it used to be. For one thing, DT has gotten big. It’s like being on a white server now – but much worse, because of the lag.

And truth be told, keeping this site fresh and exciting is a pain. All this brilliance takes time; something that is very scarce in my life right now. Makes me wish I had accepted those offers of writing a column instead of my own site! Blah! C’mon Allen, not that I’m as good as the Rat, but I promise to vacuum your office if you pay me phat lewt!

I have been playing Age of Empires II a lot lately. Boy, if you think I suck at AC, you should see me there! I’m being attacked by guys driving corvettes, and my little bastiches are trying to figure out how to rub two sticks together…sigh. At least I’m consistent!

Where Do They FIND These Freaks?

Can I just say that some people are wound WAY too tight?

For example, I’ll use my latest little cherub, Reich. Now Reich hunts in the same area I do. I think he belongs to Jackichan, but of course I’m just happy I remembered his name, let alone his guild. Anyway, I pop in the other nite, and he’s in the middle of talking tough to a little level 9 (or something), Zandar, that I’ve grown quite fond of (mostly ’cause he’s a funny little smartass who doesn’t take much seriously – not enough of that sort in the world, in my opinion). Well, of COURSE I have to open my mouth and make fun of Reich. Which of course earns me his instant love…

Reich says, “You want a piece of this too?”
(Honest folks, he really talks like this!)
You say, “Piece of what? Pie? Are we having a party? Yeay!”
(this continues, me being obnoxious, him threatening, until I call him a kid, which is an obvious slander at his thirteen-year old manhood…)
Reich says, “Cruath Quasith”
Reich casts Imperil Other IV on you!
You say, “Oh, well, let me make this easier on you.”
(I lay down – Reich and his little buddy come over and smite me)

Hee hee hee, I have so much fun. Yes, I’ve been killed again, but truth be told, I was egging on Reich, mostly because he was being just FAR too grumpy for someone with such a fun name. That and I can’t stand someone who postures like a total badass. Blah. But he did give me back all my stuff later, and after all, it’s not like killing me makes you PK – hell, if that were true, my entire monarchy would be PK, instead of just Isaac. Hee hee.

Of course, now I’m white in AB, so I can go buy more arrows peacefully and skip merrily amongst the Bloods…which leads me to thinking…hrmmm…there’s a lot more PKs here than usually. In fact, there are Bloods all over the place, some are even SHOPPING! What has become of my favorite new haunt?

Well, it’s obvious that this town needs a hero! I have lacked in my defense of the town, and look what has happened! I must defend the town and drive out these hooligans!

Random PKer smites you so hard the lifestone flinches!
Death says, “So, I’m guessing you didn’t notice you had turned red again?”
You say, “Bah! A mere setback! Now I will buff and lead the battle charge!”
(much buffing and arming of weapons)
You say, “Ah-ha, shortly I will turn red and the devestation will begin!”
Death says, “Gee, that’s funny…normally, when people talk about buffing, they don’t cast ‘Armor Self I’ and ‘Defenselessness Self I’ on themselves…”
You say, “Well, that’s because…er…what?”
Random PKer smites you so hard the lifestone is dizzy!
You sigh.

Okay, well, it’s painfully obvious that in AB, just like in every other part of the continent, I get my ass handed to me quite gleefully by everyone and their neighbor. In fact, I may be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure some of the vendors were taking potshots at me along the way…

But here’s the problem: first, I’m stoned in AB. Sure, I could go someplace else, but that would involve something like work, and I’m far too lazy for that nonsense. Second, since they have control of AB, they’re pretty much in control of Uziz, home of my favorite strip clubs and dive bars. Third, and perhaps the most important: this is fun! My interactions with Blood prior to this have always sort of been like “Hi, I’m URK!” and a quick death. But now I have a chance to see some Bloods in their natural habitat.

So I fart around hunting for a bit, burning off some vitae so I’ll be able to recall and have some stuff to drop upon my certain death. Next I make a plan: I decide I’ll cruise into AB, and if I can get past the lifestone, I’ll head into town. If I can get into town, I’ll go to Uziz. Now THAT is such a solid warplan, I think I should be delivering it in front of a big flag wearing a shiny helmet and carrying a riding crop (for those of you outside the US, this is a famous scene from the movie Patton, in which a young boy learns of the price of his alternative lifestyle at bandcamp). So I’m supplied, giddy, and heart is thumping. And away I go!

Well, of course the first thing I notice as I hit the lifestone is a crowd of people around me, just sort of staring. Anyone that’s worked with sheep will instantly recognize this sort of activity. They are ‘grazing,’ apparently waiting for whomever to come raiding. Well, here I am, let’s see how they react:

Joe Blow says, “Hey, is Kwip blood?”
(honest to god – I got his name wrong, but that’s what someone said – I guess the whole examining thing was more work than asking, or maybe when they bought their account, it didn’t come with instructions, I dunno – regardless, I’m off and running, I’m not gonna stay around while they try and figure this bit out)
You say, “Yes!”
(okay, so they’re a little slow on the uptake – but some have now broken off from their grazing and are following me into town – whatsoever shall I do?)
You say, “Hey, quit it, I’m in Blood now!”
(take a wild guess – if you guessed that some of them broke off, you’re correct! I couldn’t believe it either – this was the equivalent of the hero telling the bad guy ‘hey, you’re shoes untied’ and the bad guy looking down only to see his testicles being smashed by a well-delivered kick to the groin by the intrepid and testically insensitive hero. But there I was, giggling like a fiend, running like mad – unfortunately for me, a few of them were too clever for me.)
Cinder (or Sparky or something like that) casts Fire Vulnerability IV on you!
You say, “Ouch! Lemme go! I’ll tell Blood on you!”
(But I think my little charade was over here, I had two followers in hot pursuit – but luckily, the Uziz portal was now in site! I hop through it, and see Sue Quay the Serpent and somebody else coming through after me – hell if I wait around to ID them! I’m off again, and I loose the other guy, but Sue ain’t falling for that.)
You say, “Mommy!
You say, “Make the bad man stop!”
Sue Quay the Serpent says, “I wanna talk to you for a second.”
(Okay, I know at this point the gig is up – Sue’s like a billion levels above me, and most likely has NOT had someone vuln her/him. And probably doesn’t suck, either. So I attempt to brandish my trusty lightning dagger and shield, but instead pull out my bow. That I have no ammo for. Sigh.)
Sue Quay the Serpent smites you so hard your mother is dizzy!

Well, it was fun while it lasted. And I did prove a point: there are indeed, gullible people amongst the Bloods. In fact, on another trip there, I was left completely unmolested! Tom Thumb ran up on me, and I was sure I was about to be smited, but he just kept trying to examine me and then ran off. I sold some stuff, shopped a bit, made fun of a non-cow-pants-wearing-person’s pants, and then recalled. All completely unmolested. Hell, that town was more peaceful when I was surrounded by Bloods than it ever has been when it was full of Antis! Hee hee hee – ok, that was a joke. Of course I’ll help raid the town. It will be fun to be a raider for once instead of a defender! Although, if I suck to badly at raiding, maybe I’ll switch. Like, midway through the raid. I’m just kooky like that, ya know?

Gah! Make Them Stop!

Mr Tea smites you so hard the lifestone flinches!
Death says, “Buddy! This is becoming a habit! I’m so glad to be seeing my little Kwipling so often!”
You sigh.

Feh. So I’m dying in record numbers. Usually, it’s at AB. Sometimes I do something exotic and get killed at my hunting grounds or in a different town. Once I jumped in a portal that appeared, only to discover that it was a pathetically obvious trap designed to lure the most gullible defenders from AB into a well-planned ambush. It was so obvious, in fact, that no one else followed me into the portal. They just sort of stood around and laughed and said they’d meet me at the lifestone. Hrmph. And of course, on the other side, 8 billion PKs waited to play castanets with my testicles.

But I don’t mind dying – I really don’t. Hell, I’ve been pk’d enough that I’ve had an explosive device installed in my abdomen for convenience: instead of wasting the energy of actually swinging at me, you can just run by me, pull the cord, and I explode. Saves all the hassle.

There are a lot of PKs that I think are pretty decent blokes, in fact. Isaac, for example, I got to know when he used to spend afternoons kicking my carcass down the hillsides of Uziz. Now he’s pledged under me. But he’s a hella funny guy, even if he’d still rather slit my gullet for giggles. And I’ve had some funny conversations with my ‘murderers’ on more than one occassion. Hell, there was one PK that got me in AB, and not only did he not loot me, he stood around talking and giggling with me for a few minutes. Until I turned red and one of his friends promptly killed me…but as I said, that doesn’t bother me.

Ah, but aren’t you the clever reader – already you’re asking, “Ok then, Kwip – what does bother you?”

Assholes.

See, I don’t care who you are, what ‘alignment,’ guild, religious belief, sexual preference, favorite ice cream flavor, etc, etc – it doesn’t matter. What DOES matter, and a great amount, is whether or not you’re an Asshole. Here’s the thing – if you kill someone, and have a good sense of perspective about the whole thing (like, oh, I dunno, for example THIS IS A GAME AND YOU’RE HERE TO HAVE FUN – and that doesn’t equate to making other people miserable, sorry), that’s hella cool. If you get killed, and still maintain a sense of perspective, that’s hella cool, too – even more so, actually. Don’t get me wrong; I get plenty pissed when I get to see my ass being handed to me by someone about a million levels above me in a match so ridiculously outclassed that I wonder if Don King is somewhere making money off of it. But even at my most frustrated point, when I’ve got mages casting lvl 6 debuff’s on me (like you NEED that to kill me?) and gangs of 50+ bad asses chasing me, I can still find humor in the situation and manage to toss of a few quips (forgive the pun) about TMO, they’ll be sorry, someone please get my mommy, whatever – but I do it for FUN. And the cool froods are the people that laugh about how easy they killed me, have a sense of humor about the whole thing or just generally have a good time doing their own thing. It’s the Assholes that go out of their way to be stupid that drive me nuts. Like Hot Dog; that buttnut at the AB lifestone that serves no purpose other than to repeatedly suicide and leave corpses strewn about the landscape and interfere however he can during a raid. Screw Godmode, it’s really Assholemode that’s causing most of our lag problems.

Look, I’m all about doing your own thing and having fun; I even laugh at the lvl 30+ gimps running around newb towns practicing their 3L33T skillz killing the newbs. Yes, I make fun of them, think they’re idiots, yadda yadda – but on the infinite scale of Assholedom, they’re still a far step below people like Hot Dog.

If it was up to me, there’d be a whole seperate branch of Sentinels whose lone job was to police the worlds for Assholes. Purely a judgement call (mine, actually – hey, if you’re gonna dream, dream BIG!), but when they find someone being an Asshole, they cast Asshole Other XV. This strips the player of all possessions, permenantly gags them, makes them unable to interact with anyone/thing – no tells, emotes, nada! Further, it transforms their avatar into a little cartoon sphincter – that way, the Asshole can run around, and everyone will instantly know, “Oh, there’s an asshole.” Plus, they can jump off cliffs all they want, but they leave no corpses.

And then, of course, I would have a rod of Asshole Smiting VI. Ah, to dream the impossible dream… I’ll have to bring this up at the next Dev Chat…

Defending The Innocent!

Tango down! Tango down! Sector 3.5s, 34.5e!!!”
“Kwip, shut up. If you have a PK there, just tell us his name, what he’s using, and if he’s been vulned or imped.”
“Right, right, sorry.”
“So?”
“So what?”
“So do you have a PK there or not, dammit?”
“Oh. Well, no…but there COULD be a PK here, that’s my point. Tango down! Tango down! Readiness drill 2.3 go go go!”
“Would someone kindly go and kick the shit out of Kwip, pretty please?”

Yes, I’m a defender, and the other defenders LOVE me! I’m so helpful…

Kwip died!
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Kwip, who got you, w/ what and where?”
You say to your fellowship, “Damn!”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Kwip, who?”
You say to your fellowship, “Kwip me!”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “No, I mean who killed you Kwip?”
You say to your fellowship, “Oh, sheesh, who hasn’t?”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “What?”
You say to your fellowship, “Well, I’ve been killed by just about everybody on the server, I think.”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “No no no, who killed you just now?”
You say to your fellowship, “Just now?”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Yes!”
You say to your fellowship, “Nobody did, I’ve been talking to you!”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Kwip, scroll back up. Who was it that killed you about 5 minutes ago?”
You say to your fellowship, “Oh. Hold on a second, let me check.”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Is there more than one raider? Where are you?”
You say to your fellowship, “What?”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “DAMMIT KWIP WHO THE HELL JUST KILLED YOU, WHERE ARE THEY, WHAT WERE THEY USING?”
You say to your fellowship, “Oh. Sheesh, no need to get testy. I fell off of a cliff.”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “…what?”
You say to your fellowship, “Yuh, I was trying to see if I could do a little dance in mid-air off the cliff and I dieded.”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Sigh…”

It’s a pretty amazing sight to watch though, I have to admit. Even being the cause of the sight. See, Lansing will cast a full suite of Lvl 6 buffs on me. The whole works – armor, all elemental protections, Bow mastery, quickness, coordination – you name it, I’ve got it. It’s great fun, too – I can walk up to an iron golem, pretty much kick him in the iron marbles, run around him a few times making Three Stooges noises, and then kill him in a few shots. Pretty impressive, especially considering how I have been 0\/\/]\[3D in the past by such fearsome creatures as the dreaded red wasps of C’ar’kith’narrrgggghhhhh…

Anyway, so there I am, feeling pretty damn cocky. YEAH, I took down an iron golem in one hit, baby! Bow down at my 3L33T skillz! Bring on these attackers! So I stand around the lifestone at AB, waiting for them to pop in. Granted, when the DO come in, it’s usually a mass of confusion, since I have NO idea who the hell’s a PK or not. My encounters go something like this:

You say to your fellowship, “Hrmmm…is Timberwulfe a pk?”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Ummm…Kwip? Hel-lo? Can you say duh?”
You say to your fellowship, “Err…so he is?”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “No I am NOT, dammit! I’m in your fellowship! How the hell would I be in the ‘AB Defense League” if I were PK?”
You say to your fellowship, “Well…umm…you could be a spy!”
Timberwulfe says, “Never mind. Why are you so close to the Lifestone? You know you’ll get wasted if a PK shows up on top of you.”
You say to your fellowship, “No way, man! Lansing uber-buffed me! I own, dude!”
Timberwulfe sighs.
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Ok, I’m going to check out town. You stay here and continue…”
You say to your fellowship, “Guarding?”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “Ummmm…..guarding, yeah, sure, okay. You stay here and continue guarding.”
Timberwulfe runs off.
You say, “Ok, this is confusing. There’s too many people here. Would all of you that are PK kindly raise your hands?”
Saberwolfe X raises his hand.
You say, “Ok, so you’re a PK, right Saberwolfe?”
Saberwolfe X says, “Oh, PEE-KAY! No, I’m sorry, I thought you asked who was a DEE-JAY. I’m here for the party.”
You say, “Oh, no, no, no – here, stand behind me here.”
Saberwolfe X moves behind Kwip and begins polishing blood of off his Atlan Staff…
You say, “Wait a sec…”
You say to your fellowship, “Hey, is Saberwolfe X a bad guy?”
Timberwulfe says to your fellowship, “YES!”

Unfortunately, by the time I got this answer, Saberwolfe knocked me into the mud, shoved his atlan staff straight up my rectal cavity, and then paraded around town beating people to death with me. It wasn’t exactly my proudest moment. Sigh. But the fight shall continue, fear not!

Oh, and one quick note: if you see me online and want to send me a tell telling me you like the site, like my writing, etc, etc, that’s hella cool. Thanks! My ego and I both love hearing from our fans. HOWEVER: If you’re trying to A)just insult me; B)send me nonsensical tells about how your feet stink or some other stupid shit hoping that I’ll think you’re funny, haha, come play with me; C)whining about one of my vassals; or D)any/all of the above; do me a favor: go fuck yourself, mmmkay? I’m getting better with the squelch command, and lately I’ve been pretty quick on it. So if you’re somebody I actually know and were just trying to goof and ended up with me squelching your whole account, I apologize, but you simply would not BELIEVE the amount of dipshits I routinely get /telling some stupid shit as soon as I sign on. Well, actually, many of you would: let’s face it, stupid people are breeding more and more rapidly nowadays, thanks to fertility treatments and plastic surgery. In fact, as I look around my office right now, I see a number of them, some of whom actually get paid more than I do…hrmmmm…Oh, Lansing – can you throw a quick BD VI on my pencil? I have to go have another ‘meeting’ with some stupid co-workers, and I’d like to make a few ‘notes’ they won’t soon forget…

Oooooh – A REAL Raid!

Here we are: a brand new millenium (yes, all you dumb bastards that celebrated a new millenium LAST year were completely wrong – don’t you feel silly now?). So what is new this millenium?

Well, for starters, I’m trying something new: defending a town. Hee. I actually managed to make the run to Ayan Baquar (mostly thanks to Kaliaa for being able to find me a portal not far from it). It was an exciting run – a great deal of screaming hysterics, threats against monsters from my lawyers, that sort of stuff.

But I get there – in one try, in fact, this is really getting scary, next I’ll be tanking Olthoi or something – and find…well, chaos. First, there are more people in this town then I’ve ever seen! It’s just flat out kooky! And to make matters worse, the town is under attack! Well, I’m never one to stand idly by during a raid. Sleep, fall off roofs, accidently attack friends – sure. But stand idly by? Never that.

Being the 3L33T warrior that I am *cough cough*, I am quickly recruited by Ancient Mage to help defend the town. Now this was really exciting – the defenders were very well organized (at least until I joined them):

Ancient Mage says to your fellowship, “We’ve got Winnie-the-Pooh coming in on the East side of town.”
Ancient Mage says to your fellowship, “He’s imp’d and cold vuln’d”
You say to your fellowship, “AAAAAAAARRRRGH, everyone to town, quick!”
Ancient Mage says to your fellowship, “Good grief, what is it Kwip? Quick, everyone form on Kwip!”
You say to your fellowship, “Look how cute I look when I try to make a spell using only talismans! I’m dancing!”
Random Defender says to your fellowship, “Okay, I’m gonna kill Kwip real quick then I’ll help defend town…”
Random Defender #2 says to your fellowship, “Oh no, I’ve got dibs. Wait your turn!”

And so on and so on. I’m not really sure if the defenders let me join them because they seriously thought I might contribute something, or just for laughs. I suppose it was a little of each; I came in handy twice:

Random Defender says to your fellowship, “Okay, Kwip, stand right here while I cast.”
You say to your fellowship, “But if I stand here, aren’t I between you and the PKs?”
Mean-Nasty-PKer melts you for 69 points of damage with Acid Stream V!
Random Defender says to your fellowship, “Exactly.”
and then there was the time:
You cast Leaden Feet Other III on Stubby!
Stubby says, “What the? KWIP landed a spell on me? ROFL! Oh, sheesh that’s so funny!”
Stubby says, “You guys have gotten desperate enough that you allow KWIP to help you? Bwah-ha-ha!!!”
Stubby falls down lauging.
At which point, everybody dog-piles him and kills him. While he’s still laughing at me, mind you.

Sigh…well, at least I served some purpose. It was amazing that there were some idiots standing in the middle of town spamming the screen with trade offers during a raid. I think these were the same people that ran out to the GI’s during WWII saying, “Hey GI, got chocolate?” only to be met with an enthusiastic flame-thrower. Sigh. The good old days…

I must say that the raiders did a great job, too. I mean, sure, we TMO’d them (hee hee), but they seemed pretty damn sharp – they’d go screaming through town, cut down some dipshit offering phat lewt for a portal to the Crater, then boogy past before the defenders could catch up with them. I don’t know if they had as much fun as the defenders, but I certainly hoped so; they earned it. Good job to both sides – see you there later. Mwuah-ha-ha!