It’s About Time Dereth Had a Facelift!

It’s raining blood, hallelujuah, it’s raining blood, wo-ah-oh!

Okay, so I never get to be a Dixie Chick (thank Harry for that). But still, the changes to the world are COOOOOOOL! Sheesh, if Mmenoch Blood ain’t walking around talking shit right now, something’s terribly wrong. If it started raining kwip from the sky, I’d be the most smack-talking mofo you could imagine (not that I have any idea of what raining kwip would look like, but still, you get the gist). “See? SEE? I’m so friggin’ favored, the damn sky rains my name! What you got to brag about, be-yatch?” But the red seas and blood rain are great fun! And I’m not just saying that because I’m a psychotic maniac who dreams of bloody rain falling from the sky.

Death says, “No, you dream of being Wilma Flintstone!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”

But I was thinking, hey, Dereth needed a facelift. Let’s face it: happy bunnies frolicking around, pleasent scarecrows dotting the landscape. Hell, if one of the friggin’ Teletubbies had come skipping over the hill, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But with my luck…

Dipsy says, “Cruath Quasith”
Dipsy casts Imperil VI on you!
You say, “Sonofa…”
Po gores you for 35 points of damage!
You say, “Ouch! Dammit, get off me, you little bastards!”
Po says, “Bleh theth muh dug thid!”
You say, “What the hell is that you’re muttering?”
Tinky Winky smashes you for 29 points!
You say, “Ow, dammit! Stop hitting me with that purse, you queen!”
Tinky Winky says, “Brth thep blah blah!”
You say, “What? Your mama, girlboy!”
Laa Laa smashes you for 28 points of damage!
You say, “Bitch! You throw that ball at me one more time and there’s gonna be trouble!”
Dipsy smites you with that weird phallic thing on top of his head so hard you find yourself oddly aroused!
You say, “Ewwwww….”

Okay, so maybe that was a bit more graphic than I needed to be, but you get the idea. The fact is, Dereth’s been getting soft. It’s being colonized. Sooner or later, some poof would show up wanting to set up a strip mall in the Arwic Crater, and that would mark the end of civilization as we know it. So I, for one, am down with the great and powerful Mr. B showing up to wreck havoc!

Mr. Briefcase says, “Who, me?”
You say, “Errr…no, no – another Mr. B.”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Another? Oh, so I guess my buffs aren’t good enough for you anymore.”
You say, “No, no, it’s just that…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Who showed you your hunting grounds?”
You say, “You did. But it’s not that, it’s…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Who helped you learn your best spells?”
You say, “You did. But I was talking about…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “And who was it that rescued you repeatedly from ubervitae?”
You say, “You did! But I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about the Hopeslayer, the Bringer of Destruction, the Dark Lord!”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Oh. You talking about your Battle Faeries again?”
You say, “Hell yeah! My Faeires 0\/\/|\|!”

Sooooo…here we have the sky dark and brooding, the landscape charred, the seas turned to blood, and blood raining from the sky. Now THAT’S Christmas, baby! None of this “let’s put some tinsel on the trees” nonsense! The only thing you’ll see hanging from the trees now is your entrails, foolio! Woot! A lot of people on your shopping list? How about the gift that keeps on giving – vitae! Heh heh heh. I think the shops should sell giftwrapping. Then you could take all that crappy loot you find, wrap it up in pretty tinsel and wrapping paper, and give it to your ungrateful bastich vassals to shut them up! Hee hee hee…

But it is the Christmas season, and as such, everyone is looking to pleasentries and niceness. Well, except on Darktide. From what I keep getting told, some big guild war is shaping up. People keep /telling me and writing me letters, asking who I’m ‘aligned’ with. Pshaw. I’ve been killed by someone from almost every allegiance in Dereth so far, including the Straw Drudges Union. Think I care what they’re doing to each other? Besides, I’ve got Isaac. Do you honestly think I could ally myself with anyone with that guy running around? He’s like that psychotic big brother you had growing up who went around denting your neighbor’s mailboxes with his forehead. Sure, I wanted to have friends in the neighborhood, but it was tough when you’d go to play army with someone in their backyard and a constant “BANG BANG BANG” came echoing from the front of their house…okay, actually, it’s nothing like that at all, just thought I’d share a moment from my childhood with you all….

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