Time for a pop quiz:
Hunting with Kwip is an excellent way:
A) to bond with him and be his friend.
B) to wind up the subject of one of his stories.
C) to see up-close and personal the habits of a skilled veteran warrior.
D) to get dead! What the hell are you, stupid or something? We’re talking about KWIP!!!
If you chose ‘A,’ you are a silly, silly person. Well, unless you’re a superpowerful buff monster. In which case, I love you, I really, really do. If you chose ‘B,’ you merely need to get a life. If you chose ‘C,’ you are a blathering idiot. Calling me a ‘skilled veteran warrior’ is like calling Gillian Anderson a ‘ugly smelly female impersonator’ – in certain circles, this is enough to get you killed.
I have friends, though, who like to follow me around and laugh at my misfortune. I don’t blame them; hell, that’s what I write most of my stories about. But you have to know that sooner or later, being around me is going to take it’s toll…
It’s like cross-dressing: sure, it may be fun to hang out with ‘the girls’ sometimes, but when it comes down to serious adventure, you need…er…wait wait wait, ignore that analogy. Let’s try this one: it’s like going to work drunk: sure, it provides you with endless entertainment, but sooner or later, someone’s gonna get hurt, and then there’s gonna be lawsuits, name-calling, and terrible practical jokes (I mean, come on, who hasn’t vomited in their boss’s desk drawer once or twice?).
On this occassion, two of my…*cough* loyal vassals *cough*, Warlokk and Kampahn, decided to hunt with me. Not that there’s anything wrong with this: an archer can be a good addition to any hunting team – we can sometimes pull in monsters that mages have a hard time with, we can do decent damage on the approach, and with a good shopping trip beforehand, most of us are pretty self-sufficient. This is true with a normal archer.
But we are talking about ME.
It is a well-known fact that I suck, and tend to be rather simple-minded about things. Say, for example, I see a new monster I’ve never seen before. Like, oh, I dunno – a diamond golem? Now, normal people would have a little conversation in their minds that goes like this:
“Wow, a Diamond Golem! I’ve never seen one of those before!”
“I wonder if I can hit it?…”
“No, that’s a terrible idea! Of course you won’t be able to, and furthermore, you’d be jeapordizing your friends’ lives!”
“Right, right, what was I thinking. Oh, well, guess I’ll get a screenshot and send it off to my friends.”
However. I believe it has been briefly mentioned that I am far, far, FAR from what most people consider ‘normal.’ So a conversation in my mind looks more like this:
“LA-LA-LA-LA-LA BAMBA! BA-LA-LA-LA-LA…”
“Hey, shut up. Look at that over there!”
“ME GUSTO QUESO, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA BAMBA!”
“Asshole! Shut up and look!”
“Ooooh! A shiny thing! Let’s have sex with it!”
“YO QUIERO TACO BELL, BA-LA-LA-LA-LA BAMBA, ME GUSTO QUESO”
(My lawyer has informed me that I should mention that my urges to copulate with every shiny thing I see are, in fact, signs of a deep-rooted trauma from my childhood, and have nothing at all to do with the time I saw Gillian Anderson dressed up in a shiny alien costume; so if she would promise to drop the charges, I promise not to come around her house anymore carrying a giant roll of aluminum foil.)
But there we are, and there it is. Just standing there, all shiny like, in all it’s 238 billionth level glory. This calls for a quick inter-party conference:
You say to your fellowship, “Wow! A diamond golem! Let’s attack it!”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Are you INSANE? Did you notice it’s stats and level?”
Kampahn says to your fellowship, “Wait, this is Kwip you’re talking to. Of COURSE he’s insane…”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Well, put that bad idea up to a vote – any in favor of attacking that monster that would certainly one-shot the lot of us, say ‘aye’.”
Kampahn says to your fellowship, “No friggin’ way. Give me a few DOZEN more levels and I’ll think about it.”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Ok, good thing that’s settled. Now then…”
You say to your fellowship, “Wow, look how fast that thing runs!”
Your fellow Warlokk has died!
You say to your fellowship, “Erm…heh. Whoops?”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Oh, Kwi-ip? Would you come back here for a sec?”
You say to your fellowship, “Sure! What can I do for ya?”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “I think there’s something wrong with my wand. Look down the end of it – notice anything?”
You say to your fellowship, “Hold on – hmmm, looks like something’s glowing down there – let me get a closer look.”
Warlokk says, “ZOJAK QUARETH!”
Warlokk blows off your head!
Kampahn drop kicks it through the field goals!
Ah, friends. This is like one of those ABC After School specials, isn’t it? Needless to say, we all learned a valuable lesson this day: Warlokk and Kampahn learned that hunting with me is a terribly bad idea, and I learned… er… something about Diamond Golems… er… hey, they’re shiny, aren’t they…. mmmmmmmm…. aluminum foil… Excuse me, I have to be going now…