Idiots Revisited!


Why is it that everyone seems to know me, yet think that THEY’LL be the one to convince me to join them? Honestly, it makes me want to cry. Or tag along with Isaac and kill people recklessly…

Seriously, I cannot show up someplace without, “Hey, Kwip, great site! – need a patron?” “Luv yur site! How about a patron?” “I could get you some phat lewt, yo” and other such nonsense erupting around me. Didn’t I get noticed bitching about this sort of thing? Or is everyone doing this just to drive me insane?

What the hell, people! Didn’t we cover this ground already? Look, I love it that TKC (Mnenoch Blood, specifically) keeps trying to recruit me. I love that guy! They’re hella cool froods, in my little book of frood-dom. But Mnenoch knows me, and he has shared many a laugh with me (usually at my expense, but hey, as long as it’s funny, right?), so at least it makes sense for him to want me under him…er…well, you know what I mean.

But Joe Blow spots me, knows exactly squat about me, and wants me to pledge to him? More often than not, it’s some hard-line Anti, too! Wouldn’t he be surprised to have to answer for Isaac’s actions? Hee hee hee…for Harry’s sake, just think of the chaos I could introduce into the ranks of some Anti guild! Mwuah-ha-ha!

But even people that ask me aren’t that annoying – do I want a patron? No. Okay, take care! See how easy that is? Mad love there! Instead, I have to deal with an exchange like this one:

Joe Blow tells you, “Need a patron?”

You say, “No thanks.”

Joe Blow tells you, “I could give you lots of lewt.”

You say, “Ummmm…no?”

Joe Blow tells you, “No, seriously – what are you?”

You say, “A person who gets greatly annoyed at disphits that refuse to take hints?”

Joe Blow tells you, “LOL!”

Joe Blow tells you, “But seriously…I’ve got some good shit for – what are you, an archer?”

Kwip sighs.

The sad thing here is that people will read this and think “Oh, god, that’s funny!” – AND THEN DO THE EXACT FUCKING THING WHEN THEY SEE ME IN GAME! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, I really don’t make this stuff up. Ask Warchild sometime (if that little shit ever gets back in the game); he’s killed some people that pestered me about patronage….heh heh heh.

But now I’ve got some newb’s I’ve been playing w/ too. My most favoritest (yes, I know that’s not a word, piss off) is my little war mage – he’s an extreme mage template made for no other purpose other than collecting gold letters. He’s great fun to play. Kampahn and Warlokk have some newb’s too, doing the same thing – we’ve been spending our time around Shoushi getting kicked around. But every once and a while something happens that makes being a newb fun.

Today, for example, some lvl 9 doofus “Knight of Honor” or some such bullshit was pk’ing every newb that came into the Shoushi Grotto. Now, keeping in mind that this dungeon is restricted to lvls 1-6, he’s obviously been there a bit doing this sort of monkey-slapping fun. Him and his little buddy were entrenched down there, and after a few forays, it was obvious we couldn’t get him out. Then Joseph McCormik and Doug something show up, and the 5 of us storm down there and take him out. Hee hee hee! Glorious fun, it really was. Sure, he killed me bunches and bunches of times – but the truth was, I’m level 3. Oooooh, I lost some pyreals and a scarab. Whoooo! But when he died, not only did we do mean things to his body, but he could never again set foot in this dungeon! Mwuah-ha-ha! Sweetness! Oh, and he was plenty pissed, of course. He threatened to kill me, but what the hell else is new? Who isn’t trying to kill me? Hell, my vassals get kicks killing me! You think I care about some punk ass who gets his thrills over keeping a gimp in a newb dungeon to kill the newcomers? Pshaw! You can kill me all you want, gimp – it ain’t getting you back in that dungeon, hee hee hee!

God, how can anyone tire of this game?

It’s About Time Dereth Had a Facelift!

It’s raining blood, hallelujuah, it’s raining blood, wo-ah-oh!

Okay, so I never get to be a Dixie Chick (thank Harry for that). But still, the changes to the world are COOOOOOOL! Sheesh, if Mmenoch Blood ain’t walking around talking shit right now, something’s terribly wrong. If it started raining kwip from the sky, I’d be the most smack-talking mofo you could imagine (not that I have any idea of what raining kwip would look like, but still, you get the gist). “See? SEE? I’m so friggin’ favored, the damn sky rains my name! What you got to brag about, be-yatch?” But the red seas and blood rain are great fun! And I’m not just saying that because I’m a psychotic maniac who dreams of bloody rain falling from the sky.

Death says, “No, you dream of being Wilma Flintstone!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”

But I was thinking, hey, Dereth needed a facelift. Let’s face it: happy bunnies frolicking around, pleasent scarecrows dotting the landscape. Hell, if one of the friggin’ Teletubbies had come skipping over the hill, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But with my luck…

Dipsy says, “Cruath Quasith”
Dipsy casts Imperil VI on you!
You say, “Sonofa…”
Po gores you for 35 points of damage!
You say, “Ouch! Dammit, get off me, you little bastards!”
Po says, “Bleh theth muh dug thid!”
You say, “What the hell is that you’re muttering?”
Tinky Winky smashes you for 29 points!
You say, “Ow, dammit! Stop hitting me with that purse, you queen!”
Tinky Winky says, “Brth thep blah blah!”
You say, “What? Your mama, girlboy!”
Laa Laa smashes you for 28 points of damage!
You say, “Bitch! You throw that ball at me one more time and there’s gonna be trouble!”
Dipsy smites you with that weird phallic thing on top of his head so hard you find yourself oddly aroused!
You say, “Ewwwww….”

Okay, so maybe that was a bit more graphic than I needed to be, but you get the idea. The fact is, Dereth’s been getting soft. It’s being colonized. Sooner or later, some poof would show up wanting to set up a strip mall in the Arwic Crater, and that would mark the end of civilization as we know it. So I, for one, am down with the great and powerful Mr. B showing up to wreck havoc!

Mr. Briefcase says, “Who, me?”
You say, “Errr…no, no – another Mr. B.”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Another? Oh, so I guess my buffs aren’t good enough for you anymore.”
You say, “No, no, it’s just that…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Who showed you your hunting grounds?”
You say, “You did. But it’s not that, it’s…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Who helped you learn your best spells?”
You say, “You did. But I was talking about…”
Mr. Briefcase says, “And who was it that rescued you repeatedly from ubervitae?”
You say, “You did! But I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about the Hopeslayer, the Bringer of Destruction, the Dark Lord!”
Mr. Briefcase says, “Oh. You talking about your Battle Faeries again?”
You say, “Hell yeah! My Faeires 0\/\/|\|!”

Sooooo…here we have the sky dark and brooding, the landscape charred, the seas turned to blood, and blood raining from the sky. Now THAT’S Christmas, baby! None of this “let’s put some tinsel on the trees” nonsense! The only thing you’ll see hanging from the trees now is your entrails, foolio! Woot! A lot of people on your shopping list? How about the gift that keeps on giving – vitae! Heh heh heh. I think the shops should sell giftwrapping. Then you could take all that crappy loot you find, wrap it up in pretty tinsel and wrapping paper, and give it to your ungrateful bastich vassals to shut them up! Hee hee hee…

But it is the Christmas season, and as such, everyone is looking to pleasentries and niceness. Well, except on Darktide. From what I keep getting told, some big guild war is shaping up. People keep /telling me and writing me letters, asking who I’m ‘aligned’ with. Pshaw. I’ve been killed by someone from almost every allegiance in Dereth so far, including the Straw Drudges Union. Think I care what they’re doing to each other? Besides, I’ve got Isaac. Do you honestly think I could ally myself with anyone with that guy running around? He’s like that psychotic big brother you had growing up who went around denting your neighbor’s mailboxes with his forehead. Sure, I wanted to have friends in the neighborhood, but it was tough when you’d go to play army with someone in their backyard and a constant “BANG BANG BANG” came echoing from the front of their house…okay, actually, it’s nothing like that at all, just thought I’d share a moment from my childhood with you all….

That’s What Friends Are For, Woah-Woah-Wo-ah

Time for a pop quiz:

Hunting with Kwip is an excellent way:
A) to bond with him and be his friend.
B) to wind up the subject of one of his stories.
C) to see up-close and personal the habits of a skilled veteran warrior.
D) to get dead! What the hell are you, stupid or something? We’re talking about KWIP!!!

If you chose ‘A,’ you are a silly, silly person. Well, unless you’re a superpowerful buff monster. In which case, I love you, I really, really do. If you chose ‘B,’ you merely need to get a life. If you chose ‘C,’ you are a blathering idiot. Calling me a ‘skilled veteran warrior’ is like calling Gillian Anderson a ‘ugly smelly female impersonator’ – in certain circles, this is enough to get you killed.

I have friends, though, who like to follow me around and laugh at my misfortune. I don’t blame them; hell, that’s what I write most of my stories about. But you have to know that sooner or later, being around me is going to take it’s toll…

It’s like cross-dressing: sure, it may be fun to hang out with ‘the girls’ sometimes, but when it comes down to serious adventure, you need…er…wait wait wait, ignore that analogy. Let’s try this one: it’s like going to work drunk: sure, it provides you with endless entertainment, but sooner or later, someone’s gonna get hurt, and then there’s gonna be lawsuits, name-calling, and terrible practical jokes (I mean, come on, who hasn’t vomited in their boss’s desk drawer once or twice?).

On this occassion, two of my…*cough* loyal vassals *cough*, Warlokk and Kampahn, decided to hunt with me. Not that there’s anything wrong with this: an archer can be a good addition to any hunting team – we can sometimes pull in monsters that mages have a hard time with, we can do decent damage on the approach, and with a good shopping trip beforehand, most of us are pretty self-sufficient. This is true with a normal archer.

But we are talking about ME.

It is a well-known fact that I suck, and tend to be rather simple-minded about things. Say, for example, I see a new monster I’ve never seen before. Like, oh, I dunno – a diamond golem? Now, normal people would have a little conversation in their minds that goes like this:

“Wow, a Diamond Golem! I’ve never seen one of those before!”
“I wonder if I can hit it?…”
“No, that’s a terrible idea! Of course you won’t be able to, and furthermore, you’d be jeapordizing your friends’ lives!”
“Right, right, what was I thinking. Oh, well, guess I’ll get a screenshot and send it off to my friends.”

However. I believe it has been briefly mentioned that I am far, far, FAR from what most people consider ‘normal.’ So a conversation in my mind looks more like this:

“Hey, shut up. Look at that over there!”
“Asshole! Shut up and look!”
“Ooooh! A shiny thing! Let’s have sex with it!”
(My lawyer has informed me that I should mention that my urges to copulate with every shiny thing I see are, in fact, signs of a deep-rooted trauma from my childhood, and have nothing at all to do with the time I saw Gillian Anderson dressed up in a shiny alien costume; so if she would promise to drop the charges, I promise not to come around her house anymore carrying a giant roll of aluminum foil.)

But there we are, and there it is. Just standing there, all shiny like, in all it’s 238 billionth level glory. This calls for a quick inter-party conference:

You say to your fellowship, “Wow! A diamond golem! Let’s attack it!”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Are you INSANE? Did you notice it’s stats and level?”
Kampahn says to your fellowship, “Wait, this is Kwip you’re talking to. Of COURSE he’s insane…”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Well, put that bad idea up to a vote – any in favor of attacking that monster that would certainly one-shot the lot of us, say ‘aye’.”
Kampahn says to your fellowship, “No friggin’ way. Give me a few DOZEN more levels and I’ll think about it.”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Ok, good thing that’s settled. Now then…”
You say to your fellowship, “Wow, look how fast that thing runs!”
Your fellow Warlokk has died!
You say to your fellowship, “Erm…heh. Whoops?”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “Oh, Kwi-ip? Would you come back here for a sec?”
You say to your fellowship, “Sure! What can I do for ya?”
Warlokk says to your fellowship, “I think there’s something wrong with my wand. Look down the end of it – notice anything?”
You say to your fellowship, “Hold on – hmmm, looks like something’s glowing down there – let me get a closer look.”
Warlokk says, “ZOJAK QUARETH!”
Warlokk blows off your head!
Kampahn drop kicks it through the field goals!

Ah, friends. This is like one of those ABC After School specials, isn’t it? Needless to say, we all learned a valuable lesson this day: Warlokk and Kampahn learned that hunting with me is a terribly bad idea, and I learned… er… something about Diamond Golems… er… hey, they’re shiny, aren’t they…. mmmmmmmm…. aluminum foil… Excuse me, I have to be going now…