Man, I’ve been slacking this month. Hell yeah, I’m aware of it. Hell no, I don’t care. Heh.

It’s this whole new world of actually being able to do stuff that’s throwing me for a loop, you understand. Where it used to be my adventures consisted solely of dying a lot in really, really interesting ways, now I’ve found that I can actually kill some big stuff like Iron Golems and get phat xp off of them. Not to mention the more xp I get, the more I can boost my magic skills, and that means new spells to research. Okay, who am I kidding – research for me consists of firing up Splitpea and trying to figure out how that damn program works. For the life of me, I think it’s telling me that the components for “Summon Portal” are as follows: Silver Scarab, Grey Taper, Hyssop, Fuzzy Pink Taper, Ground Hamburger, Zima, Spam Talisman. Needless to say, I still can’t get that damn spell. Sigh.

So everyone keeps writing to me asking my thoughts on Bael’zharon or whatever the hell his name is. *shrug* I guess I basically think of him as any other soul-sucking, evil, mean, corrupting, heartless, unintelligent, alien life form: if he gets elected to the White House, things are apt to be decidedly un-fun for us. Maybe I should go interview him for an article…that might be fun. Heh.

So what’s this deal with the alchemy and fletching? I think I need to hire a mule to make me uber arrows. As it is now, I’ve been tying chicken feathers to sticks with pointy ends. People keep telling me that this will never ever work, but what the hell do they know? They also said that you couldn’t seduce a Panumbris shadow! Ha! And we all know who’s boss of THAT little arena, eh?

So I’ve been spending a lot of time researching spells. And being the complete absent-minded foolio I pride myself on being, I routinely leave myself staring off into space while flipping through the volumonous information in SplitPea. I was the sort of kid in high school that made a big production of yawning during tests, then dropping my pencil, then using that opportunity to bend down to pick it up and also open my textbook to try and look up the answer. I always got caught. Usually because I kept asking the teacher what page the information was on…

Buffing sucks. It’s a great deal of fun DE-buffing, but it takes me about 3 years to just buff up with my wimpy lvl III’s. By the time I finally get to my last buff, my first buff has worn off, so I start the whole process all over again. To one of the monsters, this just HAS to be obvious…
Kwip says, “Okay, there he is. Big dumb golem. Let me buff.”
Kwip says, “Malar Eoli”
Kwip says, “Malar Hafeth”
Kwip says, “Crossbow mastery? What the hell good is that?”
Kwip says, “Malar Caril”
Kwip says, “Puish Zharil”
Kwip says, “Malar Casith”
Kwip giggles.
Kwip says, “This is gonna ROCK! Hee hee hee.”
Kwip says, “Malar Luja”
Kwip says, “Weapon Expertise? Hrmm…Yeah, that must make me an expert with my weapon. Yeah, cool!”
Kwip says, “Malar Hafeth”
Kwip says, “Oh, dang blast it. Stupid devilmouse thing.”
Kwip says, “Puish Zharil”
Kwip says, “Malar Hatik”
Kwip says, “Malar Cavik”
Granite Golem says to your fellowship, “Ugh ugh Kwip ugh ugh behind rock.”
Iron Golem says to your fellowship, “Ugh ugh me smash.”
Kwip says, “What’s that noise?”
Kwip shrieks like a girl.
Iron Golem smites Kwip so hard the lifestone flinches!

And so on and so on. But somebody tell me this: what the hell good is a granite heart? I’ve tried mixing it with stuff, painting it, putting little bells on it, eating it, jumping up and down on it, smacking Warchild upside his head with it…nothing seems to work! Although maybe I should try smacking Warchild with it a few more times…

Cut It Out, Freakos…

I would’ve written more, but I was busy O\/\/|\|-ing some Iron Golems!!!! Hell, yeah I’m bad! Skillz like this deserve an announcement!

You say, “Attention Uziz! I would like to make an announcement!”

Trai dissolves you for 45 points!

You say, “Ouch! Sonofabitchquititthathurts!”

You say, “As I was saying: I will no longer be considered to suck!”

Your last strength dissolves before Trai!

Because you completely SUCK, you’ve been granted a respite because you SUCK so SUCKILY bad! Suckwad!

You’ve lost a sucky bow, some sucky jewelry, a completely SUCK shirt, and your underwear. Jerk.

I’ve definitely noticed a change in the game since I spoke out against Microsoft, I must admit….

The weird thing now for people to do to me is to pledge to me. Before it was just throw their panties at me, but now pledging is in order. Anywhere, anytime.

You say, “Nyah nyah, can’t catch me!”

Thug nicks you for 4 points of damage.

You say, “Okay, so THAT time you caught me, but it was crappy damage. Girl.”

You evaded Thug!

Jak O Shadows swears his loyalty to you!

You evaded Thug!

You say, “Wait a sec, what the hell was that?”

Thug smites you so hard the lifestone flinches!

You sigh.

And that’s not the worst part of it: the worst part is these snot-nosed new vassals that get all confused and PK me BEFORE they pledge to me, thus denying me the almighty xp I should be getting (yes, Kampahn and Warlokk, I’m looking at you two!). Some people’s PKs, I’ll tell ya.

But apparently, my new-found status of being a monarch is confusing the hell out of people. I routinely return to Uziz, only to encounter more surprises then the time I typed “evil hypocritical nazi bastard” into a search engine and five seconds later a campaign supporter for George W. Bush called me. But I digress…

So-and-So tells you, “need a patron”

You tell So-and-So, “lol”

See, this used to be funny the first twenty times someone said it to me. Now I just humor them. But it turns out this was for real…

So-and-So tells you, “4 real, need a patron?”

You tell So-and-So, “No, go away.”

Jim Bob tells you, “hey neede a patron?”

Jim Bob tells you, “im good 2 archrs”

Billy Bob tells you, “yo, want a patron”

You say, “What the hell…have I been gone that long?”


So-and-So tells you, “lol – seriusly, need a patron?”

You sigh.

I think it’s a concentrated effort to drive me insane, personally. It used to be the mid-level gimps just looking to expand their xp whoring brat packs. But now that I’m an almighty Monarch, I believe it’s those nice little numbers appearing that are making the higher levels (well, like 30-40; I mean, I’m still Kwip, and even some prehistoric man who can’t even speak will sit down in front of a computer after taking time out of his busy schedule of rubbing two sticks together to grunt “Ugh Ugh Ugh,” which, roughly translated, means “Man, Kwip sucks – what the hell kind of template did he use?”) take a look at me and say, “Oh, now THAT’s the kind of person I want under me! He’s… well, he’s… he’s got vassals! Hey, I wonder if I could stop the blender with my tongue?”

So, to summarize:

    Yes, I’m the Kwip whose site you’ve heard something about.

  • No, I do not want a patron.
  • Yes, you are funny, ha ha, I’ve never heard THAT joke before.
  • No, you cannot write a column for me.
  • I’ll update my site when bastards like you leave me alone, piss off.
  • Yes, I’m still that low of a level.
  • No, you cannot pledge to me, you don’t know how to spell. Go read my rules.
  • Yes, I’m getting your tells, but considering I’m still in the tunnel to enter the damn world, I don’t feel like replying to you until I’ve ground up some brown beans and mixed them with my milk (and when the hell is Dereth gonna get coffee beans, anyway? Someone call Starbucks!).
  • No, I am not Warchild’s illegitimate father.
  • No, I’m not his mother either, bastard.
  • Yes, I’m still dying.
  • Yes, a lot.
  • No, I will not come hunt with you.
  • Because you scare me.
  • No, I don’t give a damn if Isaac pk’d you, you probably deserved it. Well, shopping is offensive in some cultures, now stop whining.

Man, if my pathetic ego didn’t live for all this attention, I’d turn on my /notell in a second, you know that?