First off, if you use them, you’re a cheater poo-poo head. Second, if you’ve used them and then decide to ‘share’ them with the rest of us so ‘they will be stopped for the fairness of all,’ you suck ass you arrogant cheater slut. If you’ve been sitting on these things whilst you leveled your ass off and now that it looks like they’re being fixed you decide to share them with us mere mortals so we can partake of them for the whole week they’ll be around, I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your genitals. You arrogant, self-righteous pricks. And then to have the nerve to bitch about how you’re ‘bringing these to the open so they can be fixed because you’re sick of cheating ruining the game’ – you ass face! Grrrr…is it noticeable that these hypocritical sphincter-babies piss me off? Look, I don’t care if you cheat. People who don’t cheat kick my ass, too, and most of the cheats require you to have some level under your belts that I still can’t attain after playing for more than a year. BUT – don’t act all high and mighty now that your little secret is out.

When I first heard that there were some perma-buffs and all that other horsecrap, I thought “Wow, what a load of horsecrap!”. But I’m more imaginative than your average shmoo…

Subject: permabufs?
Author: supah_bad_guy   Date Added: 11:35am (PST)
can som1 hepl me wit thos bufs?? i know peopel know how to do them. thats cheating an shit. thats not fair you fags, you hav 2 share wat u kno to make if fair.


Be still my beating heart…behold! Someone needs my help! I must be off! Now, to any normal person, you may be tempted to make fun of the posters obvious idiocy (known in politcally correct circles as “Anti-Dipshitedness Impaired”™). However, being the kind and compassionate soul I am, I see this person needs love. He needs help. He needs to die many, many times.

So I track down this Bad Guy. Surprise surprise, he’s young. Level 10. Heh. He offers me a mote for my trouble. What do I need with a mote? Well, nothing, but I can’t offer to do this for free or he’d be suspicious (gee, go figure).

Now, if any of you have been through crisis training, you’ll remember the ABC’s of an emergency situation:

A – Assess the situation. I’m meeting someone new. I have to assess the situation.

Killah_bad_guy says, “r u the guy that wrote to me?”
You say, “Ah-ha! Have at you, foul fiend!”
You gore Killah_bad_guy for 23 points!
You smite Killah_bad_guy mightily!
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “wtf man? i thouht you r gona help me?”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “You pk’d me once!”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “i nevr saw u b4 in my life!!!!1”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “You killed one of my vassals!”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “wtf r u talking about?”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “I’m sorry, I have a cold.”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Come on back. I’m supposed to tell you about the perma-buffs, right?”
Kwip waits patiently.
Killah_bad_guy says, “u cool now?”
You say, “AAAAAaaahhh!!! A PK!”
You gore Killah_bad_guy for 31 points of damage!
Killah_bad_guy says, “fukin stop it, asshole!”
You say, “Oh, jeez, sorry. I’m a bit jumpy. I got pk’d a bit ago, and I’m still sore about it.”

Okay, so I lie and I’m going to hell. But if my little ‘escapade’ with my 6th-grade Sunday School teacher and the manure spreader hadn’t already condemned me there, I’m never going…where was I? Oh, yes – perma-buffs. Heh.

You say, “So, you want to learn the perma-buffs.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “hell yea. wat do i need to do?”
You say, “Okay, first you have to complete the ‘quest’ they have in place.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “theres a quest for this?”
You say, “Well, sort of. See, you have to kill this monster by yourself. I can buff you, but you have to take down the monster by yourself.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “ok, wat monster?”
You say, “Now see, that depends on which permabuff you want. The simple ones require bunnies. But the really good ones…”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no i wnat the best one”
Kwip grins.

What have we determined so far? Well, one, that Killah is lazy. Two, that Killah is greedy. And three, that Killah is very, very stupid…now we can move on to the next step in handling a crisis situation:

B – Beat the shit out of your victim (I’m pretty sure this is how they went – First Aid class was a while ago, but I take good notes).

You say, “Okay – are you familiar with all the creatures in Dereth?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no i jus startd a bit ago”
You say, “I see. Well, the first thing we need to do is get you to where you can find the monster you’ll need. Follow me.”

Now, someone out for simple laughs would have just let this poor bastard die repeatedly enroute to our destination. Not so me! For I seek the higher enlightenment, that of amusement for myself AND my loyal readers! In other words, I kept his dumb ass alive during the run. Which wasn’t easy, either! We all know I suck, right? Well, how badly do you suck when KWIP is showing you how to stay alive and buffing you? Sheesh… so after about an hour of running around, I get dumbass to our destination. No, the running around to get there wasn’t really fun. It was really, really annoying. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of what I was gonna do to this guy. I mean, this guy knew nothing. Imagine being on a show like Survivor with your 87-year old grandmother who’s completely senile and fascinated by her navel. Now imagine your ‘task’ is to get your grandmother to assist you building a 27-story hotel complete with presidential suites out of some coconuts and bubble gum. The professor might’ve been able to do that shit, but I was going insane. Finally, we arrive at our destination…Arwic.

You say, “Hoo-kay, my little monkey boy! Are you ready to die like the dog humper you are?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “huh?”
You say, “Exactly!”
You say, “Now, first thing, you have to use the appropriate weapon. Get out your practice axe.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “i dont have that”
You say, “You’re kidding, right?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no”
You say, “Hrmmm…well, your verbal prowess is too much for me. I cannot stand up to that logic.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “what?”
You say, “Shudup shudup shudup: listen, what weapon do you have?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “this”

At this point, he actually handed me his weapon. It was a crappy axe, true, but he gave it to me. The urge to just choke the living shit out of him right there was so overwhelming I almost gave in; but I am made of stronger stuff, I tell you! Making as if this is all part of the buff, I cast a few spells on it. You might have heard of them: Blood Loather III, Leaden Weapon III, and just for fun, Hide Value III (and Kampahn tried to tell me I’d never need that spell – who’s laughing now, wench? Mwuh-ha-ha!). Then I hand the axe back with instructions.

You say, “Okay, quick – run to the tailor over there and buy as many pairs of pants as you can!”

I’ll say this for the little bugger. He listened well. Off he darted on his fashion pursuit.

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “I can only get 20 – they’re pretty heavy, too – is that enough?”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Fine, fine, don’t bother me with details. Now come over to that portal I showed you, the Mt. Pass one.”
Kwip waits patiently.
Killah_bad_guy says, “ok now what”
You say, “Okay, now we have to head up to the mountain pass. I’ll go first to ensure there’s no danger.”

I get up there, and there’s only a few crude monoguas. They’ll never do; they have no sense of humor. I kill them so they don’t pick on my little crumpet. I look around, and find what I’m looking for: a great mattie. Now, timing is everything…

You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Ok, coast is clear, c’mon through!”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “ok coming”
You stab Great Mattekar for 15 points of damage!
Your missle attack hits the environment.
You evade Great Mattekar!
You evade Great Mattekar!
Great Mattekar smites Killah_bad_guy so hard the lifestone flinches!
Killah_bad_guy says, “wtf man, i thougt you said it was clear?!?!111”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Dammit, someone led it right to me. Sorry about that – can you make it back okay?”

Now in my generousity, I had showed dingleberry where the Arwic lifestone was. So I wasn’t worried about him getting too lost. Granted, I never took all the possibilities into consideration…

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “helpp pks pks”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Uh-oh – quick, tell them you’re with me!”
A minute later…
Warlokk tells you, “Hey Kwip, how goes it. Listen, you know some little turd named Killah_bad_guy or something?”
You tell Warlokk, “Howdy. Killah? Nope, never heard of him.”
Warlokk tells you, “Ok, thanks. Have a good one!”
You tell Warlokk, “You too!”

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “dammit i jsut died agin. fukin pks.”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Oh, man, bum deal. You coming back up here?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “yea, but i don’t hav any armor.”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Ah, don’t sweat it. Just get up here.”

A few more minutes pass…

You say, “Well, glad you made it.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “yea thos stupid pks chased me agin”
Killah_bad_guy says, “and what was that thing that killed me?”
You say, “Ah, that was a Mattekar. Deadly monsters, but terrible dancers.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “haha”
You say, “Okay, well, we’re almost finished. You ready for the big challange?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “hell yah”
You say, “Alrighty then. This is what you have to do: I’m going to take you up to a monster.”
You say, “You have to run up to him as fast as you can and hand him your weapon.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no way ti’ll kill me!”

Oh, sure. NOWBraniac wants to show some idea of self-preservation. We can’t have any of that…

C – I don’t remember what C stood for in crisis management, but let’s say it stands for “Convince the dipshit to make a fool of himself!”

You say, “Dude, this is the BUG – get it?”
You say, “Why do think no one else has found out about it? How many people try this?”
You say, “But hey, if you don’t want to do everything for the permabuff, that’s cool. I’ll find someone that will.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “no no, sory. it just sounds like bs”
You say, “Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?”
You grin.
Killah_bad_guy says, “ok, wheres the monster? and what kind is it?”
You say, “Follow me.”
You say, “Ah, there it is.
Killah_bad_guy says, “That drudge?”
You say, “Yup, that’s him. Just hand him your weapon; when he hands it back, you’re perma-buffed!”
Killah_bad_guy says, “stalker, i neveer saw one of those drudges before”
You say, “Hey, it’s a drudge, right? You aren’t scared of a drudge, are you?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “ha, no way i kiled like 10 of thos things in a row once”
You say, “Well, there you go then! Listen, I’ve got to boogy – how about that mote now?”
Killah_bad_guy says, “i dont have one now but ill give u 1 as soon as i get one”
You say, “Oh, you lied to me! The agony! I feel so betrayed!”
Killah_bad_guy says, “look man, dont be a dick about it. i’ll get you one.”
Kwip weeps.
You say, “What is this world coming to? No, go on your way, using the secret I have so freely given.”
Killah_bad_guy says, “whatever”

That’s it, really. I went on my way from that point and don’t know what happened…

Killah_bad_guy tells you, “hey man, it atatacked me and one-shotted me before i could even get close ot it!”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “You’re not doing it right. You have to get close right away.”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “it killed me again!”
You tell Killah_bad_guy, “Oh, make sure you approach it in peace mode…”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “that didn’t work either. maybe if i try the other one, the raver one”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “damn, lost my axe”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “can you help me get my body back?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “you still on”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “was i supposed to do something with all those pants?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “hey”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “help?”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “i got killed agin”
Killah_bad_guy tells you, “u lied to me, didn’t u”
You have squelched Killah_bad_guy.

A Kwip proposal…

Now, the big thing to keep in mind here is that I can’t do anything small. Even the simplest of acts, like, oh, I dunno – shopping? – leaves me gasping with vitae and a rant to write. So something this monumental had to be marked with elaborate scheming. I mean, after all, how many times am I gonna get to do this in my life? Five or six at best? (No, no, honest, I’m kidding Kwipette my love; please put down that dagger…)

Where was I…ah, yes. THE PLAN. The original plan had been to just out and out pop the question at a romantic getaway we had scurried off to. But a close friend of mine pointed out that not only was that boring, but probably wouldn’t work. No, he suggested, for this to work, you’ve got to make her afraid of something WORSE than marrying you!

I suggested leprosy, but wiser minds won out.

After months of planning (that’s not an exaggeration), I had assembled my team of players:

Old army buddy:

Johnny Arkham
Dr. Sexy

Chase Car Crew:
Mrs. Kampahn

Gaming Point posse:
Yellow Rat Bastard (YRB)
Phillip Ian
Darth Hoff
Loud Carl

I had reserved the place it was going down, and had all the guests in place. Now…ACTION!

The evening starts of quiet enough. Kwipette got stuck working till 9pm that evening (which of course worked perfect for me, cause I could run around getting everything set up). She gets home around 10, and we visit for a little bit. I have told her that an old Military Intelligence buddy of mine is coming to town – I have also spent a few weeks before this hinting of how crazy this friend was, how he often revealed top secret info to me, and how he had previously almost gotten me in serious trouble.

11pm rolls around, and we boogy out to the bar that we’re meeting my friend in front of – important note here, we’re meeting that friend in FRONT of the bar, not IN the bar – why is that important? Read on: We’re standing out front, awaiting my friend. Suddenly, my friend (Mike) comes running up to me, carrying a large briefcase. I reach my hand out to shake his hand, and he slaps a handcuff on my wrist that’s firmly attached to the briefcase.  Kwipette and I stare in bewilderment at him as he stammers, “Kwip, I’m in serious trouble. Whatever you do, don’t open that briefcase! Don’t go to the police! Go to Yellow Rat Bastard’s – I’ll call you later there!” and then takes off up the alley.

Kwipette and I share a stunned look at each other. Can this really be happening? At that moment, a sedan rolls slowly by us. The men inside are all wearing dark suits, straight out of some bad 70s spy flick. The man in the passenger compartment is looking right at us, talking on a cell phone. Kwipette, being the cool-headed chica she is, panics and drags me over to a doorway. We are completely flustered – she tells me she’s sure those men were looking right at us. We decide we should get out of there, but not go directly to YRBs (He owns a gaming shop in town that many of us frequent). Instead we’ll drive around a bit, in case we’re being followed.

For those of you wondering, the men in the sedan were the “G-men” team (the driver was Kampahn). Parked nearby us was the “chase” vehicle that held a driver, a camera-woman, and a radio operator that was in contact with the G-men, telling them where we were each step of the way. Hee hee – did I mention I do nothing on a small scale?

So we drive around in an attempt to loose any pursuers (funny thing here is that we had to do this anyway to give the G-men time to get to Yellow Rat Bastard’s, but since Kwipette suggested it, it worked out perfectly!). As we approach YRBs, we see the G-men’s vehicle parked outside with its flashers going. Two of the G-men are out front of the building, one talking on the cellphone. Kwipette sees them and warns me, urgently telling me to keep going past YRBs. We do.

After a few more minutes of driving around, we come to the conclusion that if the G-men were leaving Yellow Rat Bastard’s, it would be a good place to lay low, because they already checked there. We park up the street, and Kwipette scopes the area out (since she doesn’t have a large briefcase handcuffed to her wrist, we thought she might look a tad less conspicuous than I).

The coast is clear. We duck into YRBs. Inside, there are several of our friends, including Phillip Ian. Phil has just gotten a new toy – a digital video camera – which he is showing off to everyone. Somehow, in the confusion, he just forgets to stop taping and records the rest of our time at YRBs…heh…

Our friends ask us what sort of trouble we’re in. Why, we ask. It seems that two men in dark suits just appeared, flashing some sort of IDs and looking for us and another person…

We make our way to the back of the shop and duck down at a table. Kwipette is admonishing me to keep the briefcase down out of sight of the passing cars on the street. We spend the next 15 minutes or so discussing what sort of trouble my friend Mike could be in. Kwipette is not certain that the men following us are government agents – she thinks they may be foreign agents, or maybe just mercenaries working for someone. During this conversation, I do my best to subtly feed her fears and make funny faces at the camera without her noticing.

The phone rings – its Mike. He refuses to answer any questions, instead insisting that I meet him about two blocks away at a local park. In that park there is an overpass. He says he’ll meet us there. Kwipette states that we should not take the car, as “they” may be looking for it. We duck out of YRBs, taking back streets and alleyways to the park.

At this point, the chase crew is parked across from the park, filming the whole thing.

We begin following the path through the park. As we approach the overpass from below, we see Mike already on it. He waves to us. As we approach, he turns and seems to notice a car approaching him. He begins walking quickly, and drops a keychain over the railing to the path below. We see a car pull up next to him, and two of the G-men get out. Mike puts his hands up in the air and is forced into the car. The G-men appear to drive off. I tell Kwipette that I think Mike dropped something; maybe the keys to the briefcase. I tell her to stay put while I go get them.

Now, truth be told, I didn’t see him drop a DAMN thing – we were too far away! But I knew the script, so I cheated… But when I got up there, heck if I could find them. I must’ve spent five minutes pawing at the ground, digging around for them. This may not sound like a lot of time, but when you’re running as tight a schedule as I was, it was a nightmare! Plus, the chase crew wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing, and they were clueing in the G-men for the next scene, so it was just chaos…

I finally found the keys. Kwipette and I went to leave the park, but saw the G-men’s car approaching from that direction. We took off the opposite way, which leads to an independent film theater run by our friends (the same friends that claimed earlier in the week that they were closing early tonite, and that they’ve been having trouble with the door locks, so the doors wouldn’t always stay locked…see how deep this goes?). As we approach the theater, I tell Kwipette that we can duck inside the theater to hide – and that I’ve got to see what’s in this briefcase.

At this point, disaster damn near strikes. YRB and the other idiots (yes, Anson, that means you) were supposed to leave YRBs shop right after us and get to the theater before us. But this group, comprised of people that have lived in this city their whole life, manages to get lost. Going two blocks away, they get lost. Sigh…anyway, as we round the corner, I see them just getting to the theater. I grab Kwipette and drag her back. I tell her I thought I saw someone. She says, “Who?”

I, being the brilliant and quick-on-my-feet-genius, say, “Uhhh…people. Hold on a second.” I peek around the corner and see that Fiddle Dee and Dumber have made it into the theater and are safely out of sight. Phew.

The coast is clear – we sneak up to the theater, and after a strong pull on the doors, they give way. We enter in to darkness – but by the dim light coming in from outside, I see a couple of heads peeking up in the back. Grabbing Kwipette, I drag her to the front of the theater before she can notice them. She is COMPLETELY spooked. I fumble with the keys and manage to get the case open just as the theater lights come up. Kwipette stares around her in amazement; in the theater are all of our family and friends. The only thing inside the case is a diamond ring. I pull it out, get down on one knee, and pop the question. True to ceremony, we both begin crying – me, from the great release of stress that I’ve had since this thing began; her, no doubt from the thought of being doomed to spend the rest of her life with me.

She says yes, and the audience erupts into applause, cheers, and moans of, “Oh, that poor girl!”

So yup, I’m a bastard. Pretty evil in my scheming. But DAMN, this was the most incredible thing I’ve ever done, and it WORKED!!!! PERFECTLY!!! After this, I fully expect the CIA to be contacting me to arrange schemes for them…

So that’s it. We then spent a great deal of effort on eating, drinking and being merry.

Weeeee! I’m a Monarch!


I’m a Monarch!

Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either, but it seems there are people that actually wanted to swear to me. I think it was some sort of pity contest; they felt that since it was obvious I couldn’t pull my own way out of the vitae-no-leveling quaqmire I’ve been stuck in, they would help. Hey, it’s free xp for me, so I don’t care.

First, Isaac offers to pledge for me. Now, those of you who don’t know Isaac, I’ve got a feeling you will sometime soon. I don’t know who’s the better power-leveler between him and PMS Rage, but it’s damn close. Anyway, he’s like the Enegizer bunny of vassals. That guy has given me like 100K xp, and my leadership is like 9. Get the picture? He’s just plain kooky. But I get ahead of myself…

So we decide to meet. I’m waiting for Isaac in Lytlethorpe, goofing off with another new vassal of mine, Wez da Fez. We have a small throwing cup competition that goes something like this:

His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
His cup lands about 20 feet from you.
Wez da Fez evades your attack!
Wez da Fez bashes you for 43 points of bludgeoning damage!
You say, “Oooooooooowwwwwwwww!!!!!!”
Kwip falls down, clutching his bleeding nose.
You say, “Bleedy nose! Bleedy nose!”
Wez da Fez giggles.
Wez da Fez says, “Wow, that was cool. Wait, I think I’ve got a plate in my pack, too…”
You cry, “Nnnooooooo!”

So then we spend some time trying to figure out how to jump from the Advocate tower into a nearby tree. About then, a couple of blips show up. Of course, I can’t remember their names.

Nameless guy says, “Peace.”
You take 8 points of impact damage!
You say, “Damn, Wez, you moved that tree! I almost had it that time!”
Wez da Fez says, “What are you talking about, crack baby? You were like off by a mile!”
Nameless guy says, “hey – peace?”
You say, “What? Yeah, whatever; we’re doing something important here, don’t bug us.”
Wez da Fez says, “Oh, I’ve got an idea. Try jumping backwards, that might do it.”
Nameless guy wanders around.
You say, “Backwards? Oh, now you are on drugs. Nobody can jump into a tree backwards!”
Wez da Fez says, “Jackie Chan could do it!”
You say, “Jackie Chan doesn’t count.”
Nameless guy begins buffing.
Wez da Fez says, “Why not?”
You say, “Cause Jackie Chan’s not a mortal, stupid.”
Wez da Fez tells you, “Hey, that guys buffing. Think he’ll attack?”
You tell Wez da Fez, “Probably.”
Wez da Fez tells you, “So what do we do, oh Monarch of mine?”
You tell Wez da Fez, “What’s this ‘we’ shit, peon? I expect you to throw your life down in defense of your Lord and Master!”
Wez da Fez giggles.
Wez da Fez says, “Jackie Chan is too mortal, jackass. Just a very, very talented mortal.”
You say, “Listen, Da Vinci was ‘talented’; Jackie Chan’s bionic!”
Wez da Fez tells you, “That guys’ coming up the tower to attack.”
You tell Wez da Fez, “Ok – you engage him and I’ll pick him off!”
Wez da Fez tells you, “Yeah, I see THAT happening!”

And then we were in the midst of combat! Fighting for our lives, weapons flying, battle cries ringing out through the morning air…

You say, “Ouch! You hit me, stupid!”
Wez da Fez says, “Hey, at least I hit someone. You keep shooting arrows over the side of the damn tower!”
You say, “I’m laying down cover fire!”

Being no dummy, I leapt off the tower. I’ll be sodded if I’m waiting for that melee prick to finish off the little Fez gimp and turn his sights on me…

Of course, Fez immediately dies, sacrificing himself for his Monarch. As it should be. Heh.

Dingleberry then decides to jump off the tower to get me. Of course, being the favorite of Microsoft that I am, he starts doing this great lag-bounce that gives me like three shots at him. Hee hee.

So I’ve got him hurt pretty well, and he decides discretion is the better part of getting owned by Kwip, so he runs off to heal. Not far enough, mind you, and I miraculously manage to hit him off of radar! I’m so cool…

But now he’s back up to full health and comes charging in. My stamina is low, my buffs wear off, and above all else, I suck. So I’m eyeing up the lifestone nearby.

Ta-da! Isaac has arrived to save the day! A sparkle of a hollow weapon (or something w/ kooky effects, I’m not sure what it was), and Isaac has Dingleberry running for his life. Round and round the tower they run, as I casually make my way back to the top. Finally, at the climactic moment, Dingleberry decides to make his stand against Isaac: he turns, brings his weapons to bear, and…
I shoot him in the back! I R00LZ! Hee hee hee…TMO!

Now I’ve got a new charge: Isaac. We sit around giggling and tee-heeing, and Darwin Galenste shows up to give me fun presents! My luck is changing, I tell you.

Of course, at that point, while playing with some of the thrown weapons, I get one-shotted by a cup. Sigh.

Anyway, now we get down to some serious mischief. Darwin’s got all sorts of fun stuff (which he shows off by one-shotting Isaac, much to Isaac’s dismay, hee hee). But Isaac returns to us, and we sit around figuring out what mayhem to wreck (no, not WRACK, she’s a different rant). Unfortunately, Isaac, having the short attention span that he does, is constantly distracted by having to run off and kill anyone that gets near us. Which is pretty damn funny, I have to tell you. We’re sitting there, talking amongst ourselves…

Isaac says, “if you kill me with one of those”
Darwin Galenste says, “Vig gave me those”
Darwin Galenste says, “80frost shookies”
Isaac says, “Im gonna cry”
Isaac says, “in rl”
Darwin Galenste says, “he gave em to me in Holt :)”

And suddenly a newb spawns in front of us. No sooner did he appear than Isaac is after him. But Darwin has other plans:

Darwin Galenste says, “NooooOooOOOo!”
Darwin Galenste says, “dont!”
Darwin Galenste says, “i gotta train”
Darwin Galenste says, “Pax”
Darwin Galenste says, “gimme quarrels”
Darwin Galenste says, “if you wanna live ;)”
You say, “ROFLOL”
Darwin Galenste says, “and a red taper”
Paxola says, “im new relax on me for a while”
You say, “LOLOLOL”
Darwin Galenste says, “hehehe jk quarrels will be fine :)”
Darwin Galenste says, “well well now i dont have all day!”
You say, “Oh, god, that’s too funny”
Darwin Galenste says, “surely you have 20 quarrels hmm?”
You say, “Tell him to get bent, Pax!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “tut tut”
Darwin Galenste says, “dont listen to him!”
You say, “Kick his ass, Pax!”
Darwin Galenste says, “hes a fool!”
You say, “You can take him, Pax!”
Darwin Galenste says, “you dont wanna be a Pax-on-a-stick now him?”
Darwin Galenste says, “hmm?”
You say, “He’s a big girly!!!!”
You say, “Kick him in the nads!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “gimme quarrels and everyone will be just fine”
Darwin Galenste says, “teehee”
Darwin Galenste says, “well well”
Darwin Galenste says, “youve got 10 seconds mister!”
You say, “No way, Pax, he’s EVIL”
Darwin Galenste says, “9”
You say, “Nibble his bum!”
Darwin Galenste says, “ah screw this”
Blistered by Darwin Galenste’s lightning, Paxola dies!
Darwin Galenste says, “hes not cooperative”
Kwip falls down laughing…
You suffer 15 points of heavy impact damage
Darwin Galenste says, “OMG!!! ”
Darwin Galenste says, “i wanted one of those for such a long time!”
Darwin Galenste says, “Training hall key!!!”
Darwin Galenste says, “to go with my Calling stone”
Darwin Galenste says, “i still have it :::)”

At this point, I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying and can’t see. I decide to lay down until I recover my composure.

You suffer 11 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Isaac! Stop jumping on my head!”
You suffer 9 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Hey! Is that any way to treat a patron!”
You suffer 12 points of massive impact damage
Isaac says, “Im sorry master, did I distrub your rest?”
You say, “Ha, you missed! Er….”
You suffer 13 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Nyah, nyah, missed me”
You suffer 12 points of heavy impact damage
You say, “Okay, that time you got lucky.”
Darwin Galenste says, “i cant BELIEVE this”
Darwin Galenste says, “they have arrows, but no quarrels!”
Isaac says, “damn”
You say, “sounds like a plot”
Darwin Galenste says, “thats just crossbowman discrimination!”

Well, there our fun had to end. It was late, Kwipette was calling, and I had enough vitae from our adventures to last a few weeks. So our heroes struck a pose for the adoring cameras and bid each other a fond farewell.

Isaac says, “Hey Darwin, bet I can one-shot Kwip before you can!”
You weep.

Gah! Get with it, Zone Devils!


Dammit, but I’m pissed! Who am I pissed at, you ask, oh mighty Kwip followers? None other than those I have previously supported: Microsoft!

Yes, it has come to pass that now the beanies at Microsoft must feel my wrath. See, I have no problem with the game going down: I understand that there are sometimes hardware glitches, software bugs, gremlins that have eaten after midnite, employees like Wrack…I have NOOOOOO problem understanding this! Sometimes, the game goes down. Does it occur often? No, not in the grand scheme of things. Does it bother me that much when it does? Not really, I understand these things happen. So what am I upset about, you ask?


Forgive the harsh language, but holy Buddha on a popsicle stick! What the hell is so hard about sending out emails every time there’s a problem with the zone, then sending more out when the site comes back up? Hell, you have no trouble spamming me with stupid shit about how the latest cool game can be played on the zone, if only I’d give you more money. WHAT THE HELL IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT KEEPING A CUSTOMER INFORMED? You can even make it optional! People who don’t like any sort of mass-mailing can disable the ‘notify of zone trouble’ flag in their profile.

If that just proves WAY too difficult, then let’s keep it simple: A MESSAGE ON THE SITE SAYING WHY THE ZONE IS DOWN AND WHEN YOUR BEST GUESS IS FOR IT TO RETURN!

For Harry’s sake, I’m a patient bastard, but you people are too much. Why is this so difficult? I KNOW I’m not the first person to have ranted like this. Just put a little server pull on every page header for the zone, and have it pull in a text file with the zone status – something which Earl the Janitor can change. I don’t even care if it’s spelled correctly! Give me a message that reads “tHe z0|\|3 is phuked up now D00DZ cuz |3ILL G@T3Z spilled coffee down the server – it’ll be back in like 2 hurs”! I’ll be happy! I’ll see that message, realize, “Oh, sorry Kwip old chap, looks like you’re off to the drudge mines for this lunch break instead of having fun” and go about my business. I might say ‘Darn’ or ‘Gosh’ or even ‘Cock-smoking hermaphroditic Jezzadrudge!’ But I won’t be as angry as if I sit here for fifteen minutes trying to figure out why the hell the Zone keeps telling me I have the wrong password and then trying to perform a Vulcan mind-meld to the zone to figure out if the problem is on my end or your server!

Sigh…look, I love you people. I really, really do. I realize that you’re doing a terribly difficult job, and that no one seems to be happy with what you do. Everyone’s bitching at you, no one seems satisfied. But take a look at the little things you can do to make everyone’s life a little easier, ok? Push the logic button! That way your customers get to be happy, you get to be happy, and I get to go back to the important business of dying gorily to passing idiots wearing mosswart masks…