How To Make Friends

I love people…

So when we last left our intrepid hero, I was running all over the damn place trying desperately to figure out where I was…and I’m STILL there. Oh, I TRIED to get someplace new. Coloss Ian invited me to join him at one of the Luggie spots. I figured, what the hell, it’s a long run, but what else do I have to keep me busy right now?

So off I go, skipping merrily ‘mongst the bushes…screaming bloody murder the whole way…
You say, “ACK! GET AWAY FROM ME! BASTARD GROMNIES!”
You say, “I SEE YOU, MR. SMARTY PANTS ZEFIR! JUST STOP RIGHT NOW!”

and so on and so on…

Now, for those of you who forgot or don’t know, let me just remind you: I SUCK. I can’t do very well against monsters, I certainly don’t do well against other players, and I never do well against falling from heights. So my making a 10-click run may not seem very impressive to you, but it was a DAMN fine site to me – I was giddy with excitement as I topped the last rise in my run.

Only to see a red dot swing onto my tail and begin pursuit…

Now, of course this means I’m going to die. I jump, slide, skip and hop, but to no avail. I’m two-shotted back to the lifestone. Of course, I handle this frustration in my normal fashion:

You tell Hemtishi, “I hate you. I really, really hate you. I hope small insects infest your privates.” (And yes, I really did remember his name! Are you guys impressed?)

Now what I failed to take into account was that apparently Hemtishi’s mother, Wrack (Yes! Another name!) was on-line. I’m not exactly sure how she came into this whole conversation, but I believe it went something like this:

Hemtishi says, “Hey mom?”
Wrack says, “Yes dear?”
Hemtishi says, “What does I-N-F-E-S-T mean?”
Wrack says, “Well honey, that’s when a bunch of things live in something else. Kind of like those little bugs that were living in your hair that made us shave your whole body and scour you with acid.”
Hemtishi says, “Oh. How did he know?”
Wrack says, “What, dear?”
Hemtishi says, “Well, its just that I killed this guy Kwip, and he told me, ‘I hate you. I really, really hate you. I hope small insects infest your privates.'”
Wrack says, “Oh, goodness.”
Hemtishi sniffles.
Wrack says, “Now now, dear, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He was probably just playing.”
Hemtishi sobs, “No, he HATES me! You saw what he wrote!”
Wrack says, “There there. I’m sure if he met you, he’d think you were a charming sweet little girl, just like I do!”
Hemtishi wails, “No, he just died, like everyone else I meet! And now he HATES me!”
Wrack says, “Oh, come here and let mommy take care of you! There, there…”

Hee hee. Anyway, a few moments after I send that tell to Hemtishi, I get a tell from Wrack:

Wrack tells you, “quit whineing, fucker”

I was, of course, completely stunned. Heh.

You tell Wrack, “Quiet, slut, lest I come over there and smack you around!”

Well, this was too much for poor Wrack. She just couldn’t cope; not only had I told her precious daughter that I hated her, I had insulted her and talked smack to her! Oh no! Whatever was she to do! Why, the only recourse was to…be really, really clever and come back with a witty insult!

Wrack tells you, “lets see, you hunt lugie citidal and i’m lvling on olthi. stop talking smack, slut”

Yeah, she failed. Cleverness isn’t exactly her forte. And she OBVIOUSLY didn’t know who she was talking to – I mean, let’s face it: I’m such a badass, if I wanted to hunt Olthoi, I’d have me a whole armor of Olthoi hide and the Olthoi Queen would be pouring forth Kwip eggs even as we speak!

Death says, “That is the single most disgusting thing you’ve ever said.”
You say, “Quiet you, I’m being funny here!”

Anyway, back to our story. Wrack, obviously overcome with emotions at her daughter’s distress, is unable to type any more intelligent statements (not that she was waxing eloquently before, mind you), because she then spams me with about 50 “fuck you, slut” messages. And before I could even object to her using my copyrighted insult of “slut” (see, I called her a slut first, so it’s MINE), she squelches me.

Hee hee. See? What started in a frustrating session of pk’ing ended in hours of amusement for me! So nothing is a loss!

Sigh…I swear, I think I’m gonna start my own monarchy. No one has to swear to me or any of that nonsense; we’re just gonna be a big mob of maniacs that run down the people that annoy me. Heh. Of course I have to form a large force, as anyone knows I’d get my ass handed to me repeatedly if I attempted to kill these people myself…

Well, let’s have a little contest! The person who can send me the most screenshots of Wrack’s dead body (not the same shot, either, you cheating bastards! And don’t send me huge-ass files. Shrink them things down to .jpgs; crop out the bits I don’t care about. My mailbox is already filled enough with hate mail from Death.) will win a….er…a mote? Hell, I’d offer more, but that’s the only thing left on my body… Gosh, if this gets her killed even once, I’ll laugh my ass off. Alright all my loyal readers, you want to prove your toughness, Wrack says she can take all of you mooks. Hee hee hee…

Here We Go, A-Wanderin’

I’m a-wandering!

Yup, I think I’ve finally become such a badass that I can actually go out into the land of Dereth and survive. My favorite way of doing this is to just hop in a portal that someone has conjured. Granted, a time or two I’ve instantly fallen to my death, but what the hey, great fun, eh?

So I find myself at the Lugian Citidal. I’ve never been there, sounds like a fun place. I decide to peek my head in the portal just to see what it’s like.

THHHHH-WHAP!!!!!

Gigas Lugian smashes you for 65 points of damage!
You say, “Mommy!”

Now for those of you who have a hard time picturing this, imagine some scene from your favorite slapstick comedy as the burglar attempts to gain entry to the house via the little doggie-hatch in the back door, only to encounter the flying baseball bat being weilded by the 8 foot steroid pumping brain-damaged child. Yeah, it was THAT fun.

Death says, “Hey! Good to see you again!”
You cry.
Death says, “Awwww, what’s the matter?”
You sniff.
You say, “All those big meanies keep beating me up. *sniff*”
Death says, “My poor little Kwip. Can I do anything to cheer you up?”
You say, “Can I see your scythe?”
Death says, “Yeah, right. Think I was born yesterday?”
You say, “*sniff*…no, I just want to look at it. I’m bored.”
Death says, “Alright, but you better not try and steal it.”
You say, “*sniff sniff* I won’t.”
Death gives you Death’s Scythe.
You say, “Shirov Thiloi!”
Death says, “You little bastard!”
You giggle.
You say, “What a sucker…”
You say, “Alrighty Mr. Gigas, let’s try this one more time. Eat hot death, suckwad!”
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian evades your attack.
Gigas Lugian giggles.
Death tells you, “Well, I suppose I should mention that the scythe won’t work for everyone, you know…”
You say, “Son of a…”
Gigas Lugian smites you so hard your drivers license has a black eye!
Death says, “Howdy!!!”
Death glares ominously at you.
You say, “Err..heh heh. What a kidder I am! See, I wasn’t gonna REALLY steal it! I was just playing!”

So then Death had to smack me around for a while. After that, he made me write on the chalkboard, “I WILL NOT STEAL AN INCARNATION’S WEAPON” a thousand times. What a bummer. But after a bit of hunting, I worked down that ol’ vitae again, and got my portal recall actually functioning. So I decided I’d cruise on back to that fun little place, the Lugian Citidal. No sooner do I get there, than I hear from Warchild that he and Vig are planning on playing political assassination with some of the Newb’s. I just CAN’T miss that, so now I have to figure out how I’m gonna meet up with them.

Turns out I’m in luck. Now keeping in mind that I have NO IDEA where the hell I’m at, I turn to the people around me. One kind person quickly offers up his help.

Now, everyone say it with me: “KWIP SUCKS AT REMEMBERING NAMES!”
Death says, “Why the hell don’t you ever write these things down?”
You say, “Shut up and get me a new bow, slut!”
So of course I have NO IDEA what his name is, but I _believe_ it was Mossad. Or Massad. We’ll call him Mossad, though.

So Mossad has offered to escort me into the nearest town. Yippee! A run through some minor wilderness, and I’ll be with my friends to cause mirth and mayhem! Off we go…

You say, “Wow, this is so nice of you, thanks a lot Mossad.”
Mossad says, “Ah, don’t sweat it, glad to help. Are you…”
You say, “WHAT THE HELL’S THAT?!?!?”
Mossad says, “Uh-oh, Shadows. Quick, circle around them.”
You say, “AAAAH!!! THEY’RE FOLLOWING ME!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, just keep running”
You say, “HELP HELP HELP HELP! WHAT THE HELL’S THAT?!?!?”
Mossad says, “Don’t worry, that’s just a gromnie…”
You say, “DAMN, IT’S FOLLOWING ME TOO! AAAAHHH!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, get off my back, I can’t carry you!”
You say, “LOOK OUT, THEY’RE GETTING CLOSER! RUN FASTER!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, let go of my head, I can’t see!”
You say, “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Mossad says, “Kwip, get off my shoulders, I can’t see where I’m going!”
You say, “LOOK OUT, YOU’RE HEADING TOWARDS MORE SHADOWS!!!”
Mossad says, “I can’t see, dammit! Get off me!”
You say, “NO, CARRY ME! I’M SCARED! WHAT’S THAT?!?!”
Mossad says, “I DON’T KNOW, I CAN’T SEE, DAMMIT! LET GO OF ME!”
You say, “AHHHHH! IT’S A BROWN RABBIT! RUN!!!!”
Mossad says, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know…wait…”
Mossad stops.
Mossad says, “Did you say a ‘brown’ rabbit?”
You say, “AHHHH! YES, RUN, IT’S LOOKING AT ME MAKING THAT MUNCHING NOISE!”
Mossad throws you down for 10 points of Scooby damage.
Mossad says, “Dude, relax! It’s just a bunny! See?”
You say, “NOOOO, DON’T LEAVE ME WITH THE FUZZY BUNNY!!!!”
Mossad slaps you for 10 points of damage.
You say, “Ow! Alright then, no reason to get physical…”
Mossad says, “You feeling better?”
You say, “Yes, yes, much better. Sorry, don’t know what came over me.”
Mossad says, “No problem. But we’ve still got a ways to go. You ready?”
You say, “Yeah, no problem. Lead on.”
Mossad says, “Okay, we have to go over this ridge here.”
You say, “Hey a portal…what the…hey, that’s the Luggie Citidal! What kind of tour guide are you! We just left that place!”
Mossad says, “Actually, no, that’s not the same dungeon we left.”
You say, “Oh. I see.”
Mossad says, “And I also feel it’s relevant to point out to that the person chasing you right now is, in fact, a PK.”
You say, “Oh.”
You say, “Hey, did you just say that this guys a…URK!!!”
Another-person-whos-name-you-will-forget smites you mightily!
You say, “Dang.”

So there you have it. I never did get to go cause mischief with War and Vig, either, much to my dismay. And so much for my fame making me a beloved figure – I find myself running around nowadays screaming, “I’m famous, dammit! Love me!”

“Well, gawsh, Mr. Kwip sir – I just wanna kill you so you write about me! Hyuck hyuck hyuck!”

Patch Day Wub!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy patch day is tomorrow patch day is tomorrow whoopeee!!!!

So I’m a bit excited, needless to say. And you know how us kids are so hard to control when we get all excited…

Death tells you, “No, no, no – get away from that Great Mattekar! I’ve got other people to attend to! There’s a raid going on in Shoushi that’s got me backed up for days! Let me alone so I can deal with it!”
You tell Death, “Screw that noise, bone boy! I’m completely 0\/\/|\|I|\|G this Matty N3\/\/B!!!! Yee-ha!”
Great Mattekar gores you for 45 points!
You say, “Owwwww! Dammit, I’ll show you!”
You say, “Ha-ha! Eat burning death, courtesy of Death Ray VI, bastard!”
You say, “Equin Cavik”
You cast Cooking Ineptitude I on Great Mattekar.
Great Mattekar looks surprised.
You say, “errr…whoops…”
Great Mattekar says, “Well, I didn’t expect that.”
You say, “Ah-ha! Nobody expects the Spanish…URK!!!!”
Great Mattekar smites you so hard….sorry, this account has been smote so many times it has exceeded it’s clever saying allotment.
You say, “Hrmm…..Cooking Ineptitude I? Where the hell did I pick that up?”
Warchild tells you, “So Kwip (Equin Cavik), I was wondering (Equin Cavik), if you weren’t busy right now (Equin Cavik), do you wanna come to Uziz(Equin Cavik)?”
You tell Warchild, “Bastard!”

So it has come my attention that people from Microsoft have actually come to my little ol’ site. Yippeee! You know what that means, right? Yes! Because I must now be beloved at Microsoft, there can be no doubt that I probably have super-buffs on me, without me even knowing it! Why, if they love me (and who can’t), they probably made all my gear into the mostest phatest lewt possible! Why, it may look to YOU like I’m just a normal suckwad, but ha-ha!, I’ve been uber-buffed by Microsoft!

Death says, “So…who wants to tell him that Microsoft has nothing to do with the game content?”
You say, “Quiet you, it’s time for the new Super Kwip to make his presence known on Dereth!”
Death says, “Errmm…that may not be exactly a good idea.”
You say, “Hush. Hey! Hey you! Mr. Pk!”
Wicked Killah says, “Yes?”
You say, “Ha-ha, scared, aren’t you? Never thought you’d have to face…”
Kwip waits for background music to swell…
You say, “SUPER Kwip!!!!”
Wicked Killah says, “Didn’t I see you getting killed by a brown rabbit outside of Uziz yesterday?”
You say, “Shush! Mere mortal, grovel at my feet and perhaps I will let you live!”
Wicked Killah says, “I’m sorry, what?”
You say, “I’m wai-ting.”
Wicked Killah ponders this.
Wicked Killah says, “Is this some sort of setup?”
Wicked Killah looks around.
You say, “Ah-ha, scared, aren’t you? Yes, this is no mere mortal you face now! Bow down to my might!”
Wicked Killah says, “Alright, setup or not, you must die.”
You say, “Ha, that’s what you th…”
Wicked Killah cleaves you in twain!
Death says, “See? I told you so.”
You say, “Hrmmm…I must not have had the right weapon equipped.”
Death says, “No, seriously…could you just like practice spells or something so I could attend someone else for a change?”
You say, “Ah-ha! THIS was the bow I meant to have equipped!”
Death says, “That’s your practice bow, dummy.”
You say, “Yes, no one will expect death at my hands when I am weilding THIS!”
Kwip charges into battle.
Kwip says, “Ah-ha! Shadows! Vile creatures, prepare to meet your doom!”
Shadow Lt. says, “Oh, hell, it’s that little shit Kwip again. Hey, I got two shards that says I can pick him off from here.”
Shadow says, “Yeah, right. Suckers bet.”
Shadow Lt. says, “Hmm…tell ya what, let’s get Mikey.”
Shadow says, “Hey, yeah! Mikey won’t kill him; Mikey sucks at everything. Hey Mikey!”
Shadow Child says, “Yeah?”
Shadow says, “See that idiot over there with the practice bow?”
Shadow Child says, “The one that keeps trying to jump on that boulder even though perches were nerfed before we even came into this world?”
Shadow says, “Yeah, yeah, that’s the one. Go kill him!”
Shadow Child says, “Ok.”
Shadow Lt. says, “Oh, hey – make sure if you die you say something mysterious.”
Shadow Child says, “How about ‘Your ass is grass, and Bael’Zharon is the lawnmower!’?”
Shadow Lt. says, “Yeah, that’s cool.”
Shadow says, “I dunno, man – that’s not the sort of stuff that we’re supposed to say.”
Shadow Lt. says, “Dude – he’s fighting KWIP. Think he’s gonna get a chance to use a death message?”
Shadow says, “Oh. Good point.”
You say, “(pant)You just wait (gasp)…till I get (wheeze) on this here (pant) rock! (wheeze) Then I’m gonna rock (pant) your world!”
Shadow Child bashes you for 12 points of damage!
You say, “Ouch! You little bastard!”
Shadow Child giggles.
Shadow Child evades your attack.
Shadow Child bashes you for 18 points of damage!
You say, “Dammit! You little…”
Shadow Child reaches out and snaps your bowstring.
You say, “Hey! That’s not fair!”
Shadow Child says, “Fair? You try standing in the same spot for days on end waiting for some dipwad hero to show up to kill you. I’ll show you fair!”
Shadow Child kicks you in the groin for 22 points of damage!
You say, “OOOOOOF!”
Shadow Child stabs you with one of your own arrows for 13 points of damage!
Shadow Child kills you dead!
Shadow Child says, “Hoot! I’m da man!”
Shadow Lt. says, “Okay, pay up.”
A thin, whining voice seems to fill the air, saying, “…little bastard…lucky I didn’t buff first, that’s all…damn lag…”
Shadow says, “Man, that’s so spooky when they do that.”