Dark Powers, Schmark Powers…

It is a commonly known fact that some folks “just don’t get it.” Well, commonly known, that is, except by those people themselves. How can you tell if you’re in the presence of someone who “doesn’t get it”? Well, for starters, they make the most outrageous boasts and claims, yet take them completely seriously…take, for example, this little lvl 5 bloke I came across selling his goods to another lvl 5:

Satans Servant says, “We’re having a service honoring Bael’Zharon. You can come if you want and learn about us.”
Schmoo says, “ok, thx.”
You say, “Oh oh oh! Can I come to?”
Satans Servant says, “This service is only for those who believe, Kwip.”
You say, “Cool! So I can come, right?”
Satans Servant failed to assess you!
Satans Servant says, “What lvl are you, Kwip?”

Hee hee. Obviously a big fan of mine.

You say, “Fourth”
(don’t forget, as we learned from Chun Lee, all good ninjas lie)
Satans Servant says, “No, because you are an unbeliever.”
You say, “Oh. Well, what do you believe?”
Satans Servant says, “We believe in the power of Darkness, in the coming tide of Evil,”
Satans Servant says, “that we must pay homage to our Dark Master in whatever form he takes: be it the Serpent, Satan, or Bael’Zharon.”
Kwip slaps his leg.
You say, “That’s exactly what _I_ believe!”
Satans Servant says, “I don’t believe you.”
You say, “Well, brother, it sounds as if YOU are lacking in belief. Maybe YOU shouldn’t go to this meeting.”

Now if there’s one thing I love, is people that think of themselves as “Evil” – ESPECIALLY if they’re kooky enough to really get into it. Evil Roleplayers are the flame to my moth! They are the spooon to my Ben and Jerry’s! They are…er…
Death says, “The lifestone to your ass!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”

Anyway, they are beyond a doubt the most fun people to play with. Partly because they give me such great lines to work with:

Satans Servant says, “Kwip, what’s the wickedest thing you’ve ever done?”
You say, “Do fantasies involving Gillian Anderson and a large jar of pickles count?”

Mostly I love them ’cause they take themselves SOOOOO seriously. Of course, this just inspires ME to take them oh-so-seriously as well…

Satans Servant says, “You are an unbeliever. You can’t come.”
You say, “Schmoo, do YOU believe in all this stuff?”
Schmoo says, “i dunno – they sound kewl w/ all that killin and doin evil an stuff”
Kwip nods vigorously.
You say, “Yeah, yeah – I’m down with ALL that schizit!!! Word to your devil bible!”
You say, “And see, Servant – Schmoo’s not a Believer, but you’re letting him go!”
Kwip pouts.
Satans Servant says, “Alright, christ, stop crying about it”
Kwip screams.
You say, “Blasphemer!!!!”
You gore Satans Servant for 16 points of damage!
Satans Servant says, “WTF man!!!! You quit before I kill you!”
You say, “whoops, sorry, my mistake. Just got a little excited there.”
You heal Satans Servant for 13 points.
You say, “By Stans power I heal you!”
Satans Servant says, “You mean Satan”
You say, “Yeah, that’s right Satan, you one mean mofo!”
Satans Servant says, “No, I meant you meant to say ‘by Satans power I heal you!’, not ‘Stans power’.”
You say, “Oh. Well, I dunno about that. Stans a powerful mofo, too.”
Schmoo says, “whos stan?”
You say, “Eh?”
Schmoo says, “whos this stan guy?”
You say, “What are you talking about? Stay off the drugs, son. Servant, you’d best watch this fella Schmoo; looks pretty odd to me.”
Satans Servant says, “Enough already, shut up. If you want to come, then you better be quiet from now on.”
You say, “Yeah, anyway Schmoo. Satans Servant and I are getting pretty tired of your pissy non-stop bitching.”
Schmoo says, “?”
You say, “He spoke! He spoke again!!!!”
Satans Servant says, “No, Kwip I was talking to you!”
You gore Schmoo for 18 points!
Satans Servant says, “stop”
You smite Schmoo mightily!
You say, “Ah-ha, take that, Unbeliever!”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “What’s this?”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “Oh, no! Satans Servant, you are an Unbeliever, also!”
You evade Satans Servant!
Satans Servant says, “You’re going down, asshole”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “Well, not anytime soon, Unbeliever. Do you see how the power of my belief gives me strength!”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!

At this point, Satans Servant apparently ran out of stamina. Hee hee. Now, a lesser man, weakened by the power of his weak faith, might have let Satans Servant live. But not me! I saw my duty clear! Destory the Unbeliever!
You gore Satans Servant for 23 points!
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You smite Satans Servant mightily!

And then the bastard unbeliever didn’t even have any good loot on him! Honestly, how many bad guys do you know that don’t carry around at least SOME phat lewt! I mean, Al Pacino was all down with being the devil – I bet at any given time he had WAY more than 8 gold pieces and a crummy dagger on him! Pathetic!

Satans Servant tells you, “You’re dead, asshole!”
Satans Servant tells you, “My coven is going to hunt you down!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Coven? Ain’t that for witches?”
Satans Servant tells you, “We won’t stop EVER! We’re camping your lifestone!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Ewww! Covens! Not only are you a suck Unbeliever, but you’re a GIRLY-GIRL, too!”
Satans Servant tells you, “I’ll eat your heart myself! You’ll pray for me to kill you!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Promises, promises….”
Satans Servant tells you, “I will bring down all the forces of Darkness upon you!”
You tell Satans Servant, “What, both of you?”
Satans Servant tells you, “Dead, man, totally dead.”
You tell Satans Servant, “TMO?”
Satans Servant tells you, “What?”
You tell Satans Servant, “Never mind. Bastard Unbeliever.”

Now this was getting boring. He was fun while he lasted, but threats on my life are about as exciting as an empty pint of Ben and Jerrys. But then inspiration struck me:

You tell Satans Servant, “Hey, do you guys sacrifice virgins?”
Satans Servant tells you, “I’ll sacrifice you, asswipe!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Oh. Well. Only, there’s this virgin I know, name of Isten, that is always looking for ways to help…”
You tell Satans Servant, “thought this might be a good chance for him. Well, never mind.”
Isten tells you, “I heard that, bastard.”

Back Like a Mysterious Stain On Your Couch!

Laigus Lugian tells you, “Got your bow! Nyah nyah!”
You sigh.

I’m back. It has been a hellacious long hiatus, but finally I was given leave to take a break from the home life…
Kwipette says, “What the heck is that all over your boots?”
Kwipette says, “You’ve tracked it all over the house!”
Kwipette says, “What the hell is that in my good pot? Is that mud? That better be mud!!!!”
Kwipette says, “Who left their scythe lying here? Death indeed! I don’t want to hear anymore about him!”
Kwipette says, “How the hell did you get it on the CEILING!”
Kwipette slaps you for 24 points of spousal abuse!
Kwipette says, “Out out out!!! Get out of here!”
Death says, “Awww, she didn’t even let me finish cooking dinner.”
You sigh.

But now I’m back! Back to explore the wilds of Dereth, to explore strange new lands, to seek out new monsters and bold new dungeons, to…
Laigus Lugian smites you so hard the Lifestone flinches!
Laigus Lugian giggles.
Gigas Lugian gives Laigus Lugian a high-five.

This wouldn’t be so bad, but I ran right into the damn things. I think they’ve been using camoflage, myself.
Laigus Lugian says, “Shhhh….I’m a tree.”

So now they’re all standing around my body, poking it with sharp sticks.
Laigus Lugian says, “Heh. Me smush Kwip. Me bad.”
Gigas Lugian says, “You not bad. You dumb. Drudges smash Kwip. Kwip sucks.”
Laigus Lugian says, “Me got Kwip bow. Me too bad.”
Gigas Lugian says, “Kwip bow made of styrofoam. You not bad.”
Laigus Lugian says, “Heh – me got Kwip puppet!”
Laigus Lugian picks up Corpse of Kwip.
Laigus Lugian begins dancing Corpse of Kwip around.
Laigus Lugian says in a high-pitched girly voice, “D’oh, me Kwip, me super dumb archer. Watch me take on Lugians! Oh, no, Lugians smush my head!”
Gigas Lugian laughs.

Bastards. So of course I go charging in, intent on making them pay. Any bets on what happens next?
Gigas Lugian drop-kicks you through the field goals of life.
Laigus Lugian super-flys you off the top rope.
Gigas Lugian straps a saddle to your back and rides you through the great Coral de Lifestone.

Bah. Fickle bastards. After finding my way up to 20% vitae, then back down again, I decide a visit to Uziz is in order. Haven’t been there in a while, might be nice to head back, visit the boys in the pool hall, see what’s new and exciting. A few magic words, about a thousand burnt components, and I’m back.

Looking around, I see a bunch of faces I don’t recognize. But none of them are leaping to the attack, so I figure all is relatively safe.

Death giggles.
You say, “Quiet, slut, you’ll ruin the surprise!”

Where was I…oh, yes, Uziz. So I spend some time buying this that and the other component I’m going to need, then hop up on to one of the tents to rest a bit and order my components (yes, yes, I know, stupid of me, shutup already).

Of course, no sooner do I lay down then I’ve got some little shit mage (Myers? Meyers? Mayers? Something like that…) trying to impale me with his mighty level one spells… So of course, like chud has just been dumped in the water, the rest of the low-brow feeders enter frenzy. I suddenly felt like Hicks in Aliens; my radar had lit up with blips all over the damn place, all converging on our fearless hero.

So I ran like hell. But – here comes the best part – some little melee punk gives chase, obviously decked out by some powerful friend, ’cause he had some decent items and it was obvious his punk ass sucked WAY too much to ever earn the items himself. How do I know that, you ask?

Simple. I SMOKED his ass! Heh heh heh. No, I didn’t kill him. But he couldn’t catch me. And let me tell you – after a LOOOOONG history of sucking badly and getting my ass handed to me on a regular basis, being able to outrun some little punk was more thrilling than…than…well, more thrilling than Gillian Anderson spoon-feeding me Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. Naked.

Oh, god, what a horrible lie. Okay, so it wasn’t that thrilling. But it was still pretty damn fun. The only downside was that I couldn’t remember that guy’s name, or I would’ve been all over his chat window:
Kwip tells you, “D00D! I R0X0R3D UR W0RLD!”
Kwip tells you, “PHEAR MY 3L33T SKILLS, SLOWPOKE!”
Kwip tells you, “SLOWPOKE, YOU GIMP RUNNING BE-YATCH!”
Kwip tells you, “NEXT TIME UR CHASING ME, I’M TAKING OFF MY LEAD BOOTS!”
Kwip tells you, “MY MY MY, MR. HARE, YOU’LL NEVER BEAT THIS HERE TORTOISE!”

Hee hee hee. Everyone should have this much fun when they play. But on a more serious note, when did these suckwads move into Uziz? What the hell sort of sorry excuse for lame-ass PKers are they? What, the Little Rascals aren’t around anymore, so now any little suckwad who thinks their skills are 3L33T makes Uziz their breeding ground? Pathetic! By the Prophet Harry, I wish either some serious Anti’s would come back to Uziz, or at least some decent PKs would show up and show people how it’s done. Sure, everyone hated the Little Rascals; but it was a love-hate thing. Everyone loved to hate them. When they would raid, people actually died before they had a chance to get away – now some little doofus runs around town, and can’t even kill me, even if they get like three war spells in before I’m even on my feet? Lame ass. And a melee I can outrun? Man, how bad must you suck? It has GOT to be killing these people that Kwip, the feckless of the feckless, actually managed to not only survive an attack, but actually made it safely away from their whole mob!

PKs, as a rule, don’t bother me much. But nowadays, there are a ton of dipshit wannabe’s running around boasting about their own self-importance and more ridiculous than a room full of fake doggy poo. Kind of reminds me of the Republican National Convention…

But it’s a strange thing. Seems my “fame” has garnered me some 3L33T followers seeking to make a name for themselves by killing me. Heh – but not only do I get the usual death threats, I get some great fan mails: I recently received a fan letter (be still my swelling head!) asking me about “Death” and “Ash Gromnie” – seems some people who never played AC found my site (how, I have no idea – maybe a search of “pathetic suckwads” on Yahoo?). Anyway, they wanted to know about the players behind Death and Ash Gromnie. Heh. I told them Death was an Incarnation, visible only to Wizards, Witches, and Gimp Archers.

As for Mr. Ash Gromnie….I told them he was a nice guy, and if they join the game to look for him. If they ever see him, they should run right up and ask for money, ’cause he LOVES helping newbies…hee hee hee.

Good Grief, Could You Bitch Any Harder?

CHOCOLATE GLADIATOR!!!

Heh heh heh. I haven’t been this childishly giddy about a patch since…since…I dunno, since the patch that let me run around naked as a jaybird. What? That patch is not in yet? Oh. Sorry! One of them temporal displacement memories. Anyway…

The first, and absolutely positively most exciting, is that there is now my beloved spice in Dereth…chocolate! “Yeay, I say unto you: for as water is the liquid by which we all survive, so too is Chocolate the spice by which all life holds sacred.” Heh. What I want to know is, what the hell are those little Mosswart buggers doing carrying around chocolate beans? Bastards! Bring me their heads!

And fleshy lumps…heh heh heh. Now THERE’S a trophy I could do without, thank you very much. And you can combine them with other fleshy lumps? Forget the “Taste of twilight” title; this patch should be titled “Taste of Frankenstein.” Freaks.

But now there are arenas…hee hee hee. Anybody lure any suckers that don’t have portal magic into one of them yet and then recall out? Hee hee hee… this game just keeps getting more and more fun, I tell you… but there are those that disagree…

Sniveling Whiner says, “dammit! i lost all that shit that i got last nite!”
You say, “Bum deal.”
Sniveling Whiner says, “this blows. turbine and ms sucks ass”
You say, “I’m sensing a lot of frustration here…”
Sniveling Whiner says, “and when i put in a abuse report, teh sentinel guy said he wouldnt replace my shit!”
You say, “Wow. The nerve.”
Sniveling Whiner says, “yeah! my point exactly! i swear, i’m gonna quit this damn game…”
You say, “Can I ask you something?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “ok”
You say, “Tell me, when they broadcast that the worlds were going down, did you exit then?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “no – they kick you off anyway when they take the worlds down.”
You say, “Ah. And before you went to the Sentinel, did you ever read that document about what the on-line staff can and can’t do?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “no…”
You say, “Hmmm…do you know what document I’m talking about?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “wel, yeh, i saw that article thing, but i didn’t read it. didn’t really care what they had to say.”
You say, “Ah, I see. So basically, you’re a bastard who is inconveniencing the rest of the world because of your own stupidity?”
Sniveling Whiner says, “err…yes?”

Sigh. Now don’t get me wrong, when the server does insane things like give Matties jetpacks or spawns a Panumbris shadow in my pocket or knocks me over a cliff or any of the fun stuff that routinely causes me to come down with a bad case of dead, I get pissed too. I want to scream and shout and poke pointy objects into the soft spots of Turbine/MS/Programmers in general. Then again, since I’m the only programmer I can get my grubby little mits on, that desire tends to pass soon enough… but honestly, because the game has flaws, however massive or tiny, do you have to be an asshole to other folks, too? Fine, you’re pissed. Fine, you lost your GSA that was given to you by Asheron himself when he revealed himself to be your father and personally inscribed it “To my little schnookums, who is a source of pride to his father and not at all a bastard like Kwip.” I DON’T CARE! And chances are, the people around you that are getting their chat windows filled up with your stupid spamming don’t care either – actually, they probably WERE pissed, but now YOU’RE pissing them off, so they get to turn all of their rage to you. Unfortunately, since you’re a little zit-faced 36-year old shit whose parents won’t let out of the basement, you’ve spent the past 8 months building this uber character, and even without your almighty GSA, nobody can give you the proper ass-kicking you so richly deserve, so they have to sit there and listen to your stupid blatherings, because if they turn off their chat or squelch your dumb ass, odds are they won’t notice when you start planning on killing everyone around you so they’ll have no warning when you decide that the only way to make Turbine notice your pathetic simpering is to kill everyone around you repeatedly until finally…
Death slaps you for 25 points of come-to-your-senses damage!

Er…sorry, got a bit carried away there. My point is this: I don’t know any of the blokes at Turbine or MS, aside from little chat room conversations, but I can promise you that none of them are sitting around saying, “Well, this patch looks pretty smooth. What say we just screw with those guys Bob, Frank and Joe, just ’cause we’re bored.” They’re not even saying, “Hey, there’s a problem. We have to do something to fix it. Let’s start by screwing with just Bob’s stuff and see if he gets pissed. Not that we would care or anything…” (Actually, what they’re usually saying is, “Hey, we got another demand from Kwip saying that he’s going to take Darktide hostage unless we set him up with a date with Gillian Anderson. Who wants to send the flying Mattekars after him this time?” But that’s besides the point.)

Look, if you’re pissed, and you have every right to be, send an email to complaints@asheronscall.com. STOP SPAMMING MY SCREEN WITH YOUR SNIVELING! I can never figure out how to work the damn squelch and filters, so it’s a pain in the ass trying to figure out how to shut your yammering trap up. Do me and everyone around you a favor: if you’re gonna quit, quit! Give me any phat lewt you may have first, but then quit! Get your whining, simpering ass off of our world! Most of you namby-pambies are the same sorry pieces of shreth crap that make fun of people that whine about DT not being fair! And now you’re gonna turn around and accuse Turbine of not being fair? *RING RING* “Hello Pot? This is kettle. My you’re looking black today!” Jackass.

And just in case this hasn’t been clear enough for you: I THINK THAT ANYONE THAT SPENDS THEIR TIME BITCHING ABOUT HOW UNFAIR TURBINE/MS/WHOEVER IS, OR HOW THEY’RE GOING TO QUIT, BLAH BLAH BLAH, IS AN IDIOT. I WILL NOT, WILL NOT, WILL NOT!!! WRITE A RANT FOR YOU DOING YOUR PATHETIC BITCHING FOR YOU! STOP ASKING ME TOO!!!! Honestly, if you don’t like what was done, at least talk about it in a constructive manner – I remember when the sticky thing happened, there were all sorts of people bitching, but there were a few that said, “I think it would be better if Turbine did this…” Those people were pretty interesting to talk to. I didn’t always agree with what they said, but they weren’t sitting their crying in their pissy diapers about how unfair the world is and how Turbine/MS conspires against them. They were actually being constructive in what they said. And you know what? Almost none of them, even the ones with really good suggestions, had their ideas implemented. But you know what? They went back to playing the game. ‘Cause it’s fun. So if you don’t like it, there’s the door, bucko. Leaves more of the phat lewt for me.

Bleargh. I hate people that interrupt my mojo with whining and get me so pissed that I have to write a twenty page rant about them wanting me to rant. Heh. Ain’t irony ironic?