Why Is Believing I Suck Such a Stretch?

No, really – I DO suck.

Some people just don’t get it, I suppose. They log on to my site, read all my little stories, find them amusing, and then when they see me in Dereth, they want to give me some praise (which I love, btw – god bless my little ego). But it invariably goes like this:

Tanker says, “Hey Kwip – great site; funny stories!”
You say, “Thanks! :)”
Tanker says, “WTF? You’re only lvl 13? For real?”
You say, “Nah, actually I’m lvl 54 – I’m just DAMN good at deception.”
You grin.

Of course, there’s always some dipshit around who doesn’t get it.

Dipshit says, “bs man, that’s not true. you suck. deception dosn’t do that”
You sigh.

Honestly folks: I really do suck. The one highlight in my whole pathetic existence is killing Velox Manus in a duel – and that was damn close! And he was about 8 levels below me at the time! If I hadn’t critted on him, he’d be wearing one of my ears as a necklace right about now.

Of course, I did crit on him. Heh. So Velox – I 0\/\/|\| J00, D00D! Heh heh heh. What a rush…

But back to my point: folks, I don’t make this up. I really, really suck. I have no PvP skills, let alone PvM skills. Okay, perhaps I can turn a witty phrase. But most monsters are not impressed by this:

You say, “Hey, Mr. Ash Gromnie. Want to read a funny story?”
Ash Gromnie jolts you for 54 points of damage!
Blistered by lightning, Kwip dies a miserable death!
Ash Gromnie jumps up and down on your corpse!
Ash Gromnie goes through your wallet, and makes fun of all the pictures he finds there, drawing mustaches on each and every one!

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to suck. (Granted, I don’t want to work for a living, either – so if there’s any Hollywood mogul out there searching for the next great script, let’s do power lunches, DOOD!!!!) But anyway – I really do try not to suck. I even have people help me:

Sling Blade casts Armor Other IV on you.
Sling Blade casts Quickness Other IV on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts Coordination IV on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts Don’t Get Killed, Dummy VI on you.
Mnenoch Blood casts every buff known to man on your bow.
Mnenoch Blood even makes up a few buffs for your bow (Dazed and Confused VI – makes monsters become confused when attacked by me – ‘Did that little shit Kwip really just hit me for 68 points of damage? I don’t believe it.’)

About fifteen seconds later:

Nibbling your bum, brown rabbit sends you to the lifestone mightily!

Mnenoch Blood shakes his head.
Sling Blade shakes his head.
Death giggles.

Now I have had offers to go powerlevel. I’ve even tried to take a few people up on them.

Jehozaphat casts Armor VI on you.
Jehozaphat casts Piercing Protection VI on you.
Jehozaphat says, “Okay, I’ve vulned that Olthoi. He’ll be up here any second – when he gets here, get him.”
Jehozaphat says, “You’re buffed; he won’t hurt you too bad.”
You say, “Okay! Great!”
Olthoi Worker impales you dead without a second glance!
Jehozaphat tells you, “…”
Jehozaphat tells you, “One hit? With uber buffs? Hrm. You really do suck. Don’t bother me again.”
You sigh.

Now when I grow up, I want to be very good. I dream of actually standing against a raid in a town as a defender and making a difference. I LONG to actually be considered a threat. I fantasize about someday being on the roof of a building, raining death upon the raiders, and having one of them say something like:

“Oh, no! It’s Kwip! Quick, you two go up there and kill him before he ruins our entire attack! No, wait – you better take a couple more men with you, he’s deadly!”

Even if I’m slaughtered quickly after that, I don’t care – just for that brief time of making a difference and actually being a threat. When I’m on a rooftop nowadays, it goes more like this:

“Okay, you guys go get that high level over there. Watch out for that mage; he’s vuln’ing folks. Team 2, you get the mid-levels. Finally, Joe Newbie – since you’re only lvl 1, there’s not much you can do here. But you see that gimp on the roof over there? That’s Kwip. You can go kill him.”
“Kwip? Aw, man – can’t I do something challanging? Aren’t there rabbits or something that need killing? Can’t I just walk behind you and loot your kills? That’ll at least take some time…”

So just to clarify: yes, I suck. I really am that low level. I don’t make up these stories about my sucking; they really happen to me. On a regular basis.

Death says, “Hey Kwip – the Drudge’s have just returned the results from their ‘All-Time Suckwads of Dereth’ contest. You won!”
You sigh.

Let’s all do the Ninja!

Doo-de-doo-de-dooh.

So here I am, taking some downtime, trolling… er… strolling through the message boards, when I come across this little gem:

Subject: A Shadow in the darknes
Author: A_Ninja
Date Added: 7:35am (PST)
If you need hlep, call me. I can move thru the darkness and will kill your enimees for you.

———-signature———-
If you want to lern how to be a ninja, i will teach you.


POST REPLY

Well. I’ve always wanted to be a ninja! How did this fella know that? Ever since that great TV show back in the day with the old ninja master (who, oddly enough, was a WHITE ninja – don’t see many of them, outside of Stephen Hayes, of course) and that snotty little kid who drove that A-Team wannabe van…

But I digress. A few messages back and forth, a bit of fawning over this fellow ("Wow! I’ve always wanted to be a ninja! Would you teach me, o master?"), and he agreed to come to Darktide and instruct me in the ancient art of being a ninja. As I came to learn it from my master, it was called "ninjasu." Or maybe "ninja-sue"? I think I dated her once…but anyway, my new master, Chun Lee, agreed to come and teach me. And so class began…

I met my new master ninja guy in Rithwic. At which point a RPK’er named Botsukasa or something came running by and killed him. Twice. Apparently, no one told the local thugs that there was a master amongst their ranks…

So we moved outside of Rithwic a bit. To a group of rabbits.

Chun Lee says, "to be a ninja, you must follow my directions"

Chun Lee says, "your training will be painful, and you may die in it – a couple of times, even"

Death says, "What? Kwip? Die? I don’t believe it!"

You say, "Quiet, slut!"

Chun Lee says, "what?"

You say, "I’m sorry, I have a cold. What were you saying?"

Chun Lee says, "ok – the first thing you have to do is learn to blend in."

You say, "Ok."

Chun Lee says, "now watch on your radar. do you see how i disapear?"

I saw no such thing. What I saw was him laying down with a bunch of rabbits.

You impale Chun Lee for 20 points of damage!

You say, "Master, I see you!"

Chun Lee says, "wtf!!!!!!!!"

Chun Lee says, "wtf – why did you attack me?"

You say, "I’m sorry, master, but I thought you said training was going to be painful – I thought this was one of those lessons."

Chun Lee says, "never mind – don’t do that agin. If you can see me, just say so."

You say, "yes, master"

Chun Lee says, "now go off of my radar and then come back and see if you can see me"

You say, "yes master"

You bow low.

I figure I better wander a good bit away. Make sure I get him off my radar and stuff. So I wander a good bit and then run back.

Now I’m not sure how it happened, but wouldn’t you know it, as I make my way back to my ninja tutor, there’s a group of Banderling Scouts that apparently want to learn how to be a ninja, too.

You say, "Master, I think they can see you"

Banderling Scout cleaves Chun Lee so hard the lifestone flinches!

Chun Lee tells you, "dude, what teh fuck? why did you lead them to me?"

You tell Chun Lee, "I’m sorry master, I didn’t think they’d be able to see you. I was scared. I was hoping you could help."

Chun Lee tells you, "look, in this world, i’m like lvl 3. don’t be stupid – there’s no way i can handle stuff you can’t."

You tell Chun Lee, "I’m sorry master! I will sacrifice myself to make it up to you!"

You have died.

Chun Lee tells you, "no don’t do that"

You say, "Oh. Well, too late now. Hello, master."

Chun Lee says, "what is your problem? are you a retard or something? "

You say, "I’m sorry, master. I was just trying to impress you. I want to learn how to be a ninja! Everyone always beats me up here!"

You say, "You have to help me!"

You cry.

Chun Lee says, "dude, how old are u?"

You say, "11"

Chun Lee says, "okay kid, I’ll help you, but you have to do what I tell you to do."

You say, "Yes, master! Thank you!"

You bow low.

At this point, we gain the attention of some of the locals that were standing around. A few of them walk over.

Kampahn says, "Hey Kwip. What’s up? When are you gonna put up some new rants?"

You say, "Back off! Do not make my master angry!"

Chun Lee tells you, "dude, don’t mess wtih these asses. Let them play there dumb games; we have training to do."

You say, "Ah, yes."

You bow low.

You say, "Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but my master has said that I can’t mess with you asses and that you should play your dumb games."

You say, "He also says that I have to continue my training."

Chun Lee tells you, "stfu!!!!"

Chun Lee says, "No, I was just kidding!"

Kampahn says, "Oh really? Well, here’s a joke for you."

Kampahn smites Chun Lee mightily!

Kampahn says, "Next time watch your mouth, Chun Lee you little shit. See you, Kwip. I’d dump this looser if I were you."

Ah, but Kampahn was a PK’er, and had no interest in being a Ninja like me!

Chun Lee tells you, "I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

You tell Chun Lee, "What? What’d I do?"

Chun Lee tells you, "YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT YOU DID! YOU DON’T F-IN TELL PEOPLE SHIT LIKE THAT!"

You tell Chun Lee, "I’m sorry…I thought that’s what you meant. I’m so sorry! Let me make it up to you!"

Chun Lee tells you, "noooooo"

You have died.

You bow low.

You say, "I’m sorry master! I thought the way of the ninja was to talk bravely and face down our enemies!"

Chun Lee says, "no, you dummy! ninjas work by deceet! we lie and move in darkness."

You say, "but I thought you were great warriors?"

Chun Lee says, "well, yeah, we are. but we only fight as a last resort. we are assassins."

Chun Lee says, "we use darkness and lies and stuff like that as our friend."

You say, "Oh. I didn’t know that. I’m really sorry. Do you want to kill me, master?"

Chun Lee says, "no, just think more about what you’re doing. remember what i told you."

You say, "Okay."

At this point, Chun Lee takes me into the wilderness again, and we find a spot relatively free of monsters to continue our training. He spends some time teaching me how to "hide" amongst rabbits and things like that. In truth, I didn’t have any trouble finding him on my radar. But I had learned an important lesson: ninjas lie! So I didn’t tell him I could see him.

After a few hours of perfecting this skill, one of my friends tells me that there are some low-level Pk’ers headed for town. I share this with my master, and he tells me that this is a perfect chance to practice what I have been taught. Together we will go into town, find a good hiding spot, and lie in ambush for these PK’ers. So off to town we go.

I find a good spot above a building, but mixed in with a couple of townspeople so that I don’t show up on the radar (using my ninja skill) and my master does the same. And right on time, the PK’ers enter town. They seem completely unaware of us.

Big Fangs says, "Man, that was great. I didn’t get much loot, but that was funny as hell seeing all those newbies scatter!"

Big Claws says, "For sure! We need to give them a little time to re-group and go do it again!"

Big Spellthrower says, "Hey, I need to re-stock in the mages. Brb."

Big Fangs says, "Well, we might as well all go, I need some stuff, too."

Big Claws says, "Guys, switch to fellow chat. Someone might overhear us."

How right he was! Now they would meet their doom at the hands of my master and I!

Chun Lee tells you, "Okay, now is our chance! While they’re inside, we will sneak up on them – they’re not ready for a battle yet."

Chun Lee tells you, "and by the time they see us enter the building, it will be too late for them to equip."

You tell Chun Lee, "Okay!"

Chun Lee tells you, "Okay, begin sneaking up on them now – I’m right outside their radar, but I’ll wait till you get close enough."

Chun Lee tells you, "I’ll need your help. So I’ll wait till you sneak up here, then we’ll charge them together. K?"

You tell Chun Lee, "Okay, master!"

Chun Lee tells you, "Okay, sneak down from there now"

You say, "AAAAAAAIIIIILLU-LU-LU-LU-LU-LU-LLU-LU-LU-LU-LUUUU!!! DEATH TO THE PK’ERS!!!"

Chun Lee tells you, "dude, shutup they can heare you"

Unfortunately, my master was right. Before I even got to the ground, the PK’ers were out of the building, armed, buffed, and attacking my master.

Big Claws cleaves Chun Lee in twain!

Hmmmm….this was not good. My master was dead before I was out the door. I decided that in the true fashion of the ninja, darkness was my friend. So I ran like hell. As I ran, I received a message from my master:

Chun Lee tells you, "WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, RETARD? HOW STUPID ARE YOU?!?!?!?"

You tell Chun Lee, "Master, have I upset you?"

Chun Lee tells you, "your damn right you did, dumass! what the hell were you doing? i told you to sneak up on them!"

You tell Chun Lee, "I was sneaking!"

Chun Lee tells you, "sneaking? you started fuckign yelling right away!"

You tell Chun Lee, "That was my battle cry!"

Chun Lee tells you, "ninjas don’t have battle crys, you idiot!"

You tell Chun Lee, "They don’t? But Xena always has a battle cry!"

Chun Lee tells you, "XENA IS NOT A NINJA!!!!!"

You tell Chun Lee, "Oh. Well, Gabriella or whatever her name is has a battle cry, too!"

Chun Lee tells you, "RETARD! SHE IS NOT A NINJA NEITHER! HOW STUPID ARE YOU?"

You tell Chun Lee, "Is this a trick question, master? Where should I meet you to continue my training?"

Chun Lee tells you, "SCREW YOU – I CAN’T BELIEVE I WASTED A WHOLE DAY TRYING TO TEACH YOU! YOU’RE SO STUPID!"

Chun Lee tells you, "I’M NOT TRAINING YOU ANYTHING MORE!"

You tell Chun Lee, "Master, does that mean I’m done with my training and ready to graduate?"

You tell Chun Lee, "Master?"

Chun Lee has squelched you.

Chun Lee has squelched you.

Well, okay, so ninja warrior I guess I’ll never be. Sigh. I SO had my heart set on it, too. But take heart – today I found this post:

Subject: New recruits wanted
Author: Green_Ranger
Date Added: 1:35pm (PST)
The Power Rangers are now searching for new recruits! If you want to learn how to be a great warrior, contact us.

———-signature———-

The Power Rangers – the greatest force of good!


POST REPLY

I would look DAMN good in one of those outfits, that’s for sure!!!! I better sign up for training soon!