The Unthinkable…

Wheeeee! Okay, take a break from your flame wars, and listen to this fun tale: I actually have no vitae!

No, I couldn’t believe it myself, either. But it was true: I had broken down that great barrier. The normally heavy burden weighing me down was gone! My arrows flew truer, finding their mark more accurately, drawing deeper wounds, and generally really pissing stuff off a great deal. But did it matter? Hardly! I was a non-vitae-carrying animal! I could do anything!

You say, “Shirov Thiguz”
Your spell fizzles.
You burn the following components: Violet Taper, Rowan talisman, all of your Powdered Malachite, all the Powdered Malachite at the Mage shop, your pants, your entire collection of the Sho Men’s Chorus Sing the Classics, and your bow, just for good measure.

You say, “Dammit! Massle-fraggin dam-blasted fahrfegnuggin sumbichbastich fargin icehole!”

I just can’t figure out how to recall to my lifestone to…well, to save my life.
Death says, “Oh! I’ll get you back to your lifestone!”
You say, “Hush!”

I mean, is there some little secret thingy I’m missing? I ask my friends, but that never goes well…
You tell Phillip Ian, “Hey, what’s the formula for Lifestone Recall?”
Phillip Ian tells you, “Kwip + Ash Gromnie”
You tell Phillip Ian, “Bastard”

Some people’s friends. I’m insanely jealous of Phil, ’cause he killed our old friend Cunning Linguist. Twice. Heh. Just thinking about that gives me a warm feeling in my tummy…

On a more fun note, I actually got that Portal Recall thing down. Now I can come back and visit Uziz!

You say, “Shirov Thiloi”
You say, “Ah, Uziz! Good to be back!”
A Noid says, “Hey Kwip. You lookin for a patron?”


I have been meeting some great people lately, though. Ygol the Destroyer, Mmneoch Blood, Slinging Blade, Blade Storm, and several others have all helped me out on my little runabouts. But finally, after living so long with so much vitae, it was so much fun to actually be competent…

Ash Gromnie says, “Please tell me that’s not Kwip coming towards us.”
Other Ash Gromnie says, “Nah, can’t be. That guy’s actually moving at a normal speed.”
Ash Gromnie says, “Well, no matter. Let’s toast ’em. Ash Gromnie lightning breath, activate!”
Ash Gromnie sparks you for 1 point of damage.
You say, “Ah-ha! Didn’t count on my Lightning Protection V, did you, you little bastards?”
Ash Gromnie says, “Oh, hello Kwip. No, actually, we didn’t count on that. How’s your piercing protection?”
You say, “Ermmm….”
Ash Gromnie gores you for 45 points of damage!
Other Ash Gromnie says, “Not very good, I’d suspect.”
You say, “Mommy!”
Death says, “Hiya, Kwip! Sorry to stop in like this, but you don’t call anymore.”


Finally! A Worthy Job!

Well, the day started off innocently enough. I was be-bopping around some new territory. In fact, I noticed I was close to one of the newbie Desert towns. So close, that I can see one of those weird towers that are at all the newbie towns. I decide to take a closer look. When I get close enough, I see a pink dot showing up on my radar! Pink dot? Was this a new monster? I quickly whip out the Froder’s guide to Dereth and read:

“Pink Dots on your radar indicate Advocates, which can be found on all the worlds (except Darktide) to help newcomers to the world.”

An Advocate? On Darktide? Well, I know my faithful readers would want to read about this! So I proceed, of course on my guard, buffed and arrow knocked, when what do I see?

It gets stranger! This wacky guy then begins to address me in quite an unusual manner:

Can this guy possibly be for real, or did he get a bad mushroom from a Drudge?

I have been dismissed! And we all now how well I deal with being disrespected…

I can’t believe the rubbish coming out of this arrogant foolio’s mouth…

Of course, while he’s thus distracted by my engaging conversation, I wander around….behind him.

Well, well, looky here! Someone left a perfectly good Aegis lying around! Wonder how it would look on me?

Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself!

I wasn’t gonna hang around and give dingleberry a shot at getting this thing back. After all, we all know that I really do suck, and wouldn’t stand a fair chance in a fight. So I lead my little charge off through a convenient portal.

Once there, I decide an IQ test is in order.

And Joe failed miserably, I’m sorry to say. It looks like it’s up to me to once again purge the gene pool of Dereth…

Did I mention I never had a good dagger?

You do see what’s coming next, don’t you?

Yes, do not fear my friends! I have a new job! Wherever there are newbies to the land of Dereth, in need of guidance, I shall be there, to help them! Or murder them mercilessly, depending on the results of their IQ test…

There Are Things MUCH Worse Than Evil PKs…

Death says, “Howdy!”
You groan.

Not again. I was doing so well lately. I actually had my vitae down to something not quite ridiculous. I think it was almost at 6% or something close. I actually cast some level II spells several times in a row! I was a powerhouse of killing!

So of course I got cocky.

“A Gigas? Man, I can toast that thing in two shots.”
Gigas smites you so hard, the lifestone chuckles!

“Hmmm…that sucked. More vitae! Well, there’s a Great Mattie. Let me see if he’s got any horns on him.”
Great Mattie bitch slaps you so hard the magnetic poles shift!

A few more tangles with critters, some interventions from a few PKs, and I’m back in familiar country. 28% country, to be specific. So it looks like I’ll be hunting a tad bit longer!

Well, that’s no big problem. I’ve hunted before, I’ll hunt again. I see some of the usual folks in this part of the woods; Mmenoch Blood is there, giving me some sweet buffs. Wheee!

But now there’s a new face. I know what you’re thinking: “Ah, another PK – run Kwip!” But no, this was not a PK.

It was worse.

“Eh?” you ask. “Worse than a PK’er? What could it possibly be?”

It was…gasp…a WHINER.

Yes, a snivelling, grovelling little turd that exists only by the kindness of others. The very thought of it starts my eye a-twitchin’. As if the random murders, monstrous beasts, and companionship of Death were not enough in this land, I have to put up with a Whiner.

“Kwip, that golem’s mine!”
“Hey, can someone buff me?”
“Argh! I’ve got more vitae now!”
“No, let me get that monster! I want it!”

Sigh. And the worse thing is that I couldn’t ID him. If there’s one thing I hate more than Whiners, it’s throwing myself at a Whiner and dying at their hands. Not only do you get more vitae, but then you have to listen to stuff like:
“Hey! What’d you do that for!”
“Kwip’s a PK!”
“I’m going to put you on my guild’s/fellows/lovers KOS+L list!”
“That’ll teach you to attack me!”

The last being the worst, of course. With as bad as I suck, my death was a pretty certain thing. I don’t mind dying, but I know for a fact that trying to kill a Whiner and failing miserably not only gives them more to whine about, but frustrates the hell out of you worse than a scorching case of hemorrhoids on a long run.

So, nothing left to do but put up with the whining, eh?


Yeah, I didn’t buy that either.

First, I started off subtley.

You say, “Oh, man, sorry about that, Whiner. I didn’t realize you were laying down there when I brought those 3 Ash Gromnies hot on my ass straight towards you.”

(Ed. note: yup, forgot this guy’s name, too)

You say, “No, sheesh, sorry, I don’t have any onyx left either. Eh? Oh, I know it LOOKED like onyx I just picked up. But that was just coal dust. It’s an alchemy thing.”

Then I got a bit more obvious.

You say, “Okay, let me buff you. Whoops! Damn, I didn’t mean to cast Lead Feet II on you! Stupid buttons! Oh no, look out – more Ash’s coming! Quick, run!”

You say, “Sure, that’s a great perch. They can’t possibly reach you from there.”
You say, “Whoops! Well, who knew Shadows could cast spells? That’s news to me…”

Then I’m afraid the excitement got the best of me.

You say, “Whoops! Damn! Stupid auto-attack! Oh no! Now I’m lagging!”
You say, “Uh-oh, the lag is making me equip my greater elemental arrows and attack you! Ain’t lag a bitch?”

Heh. Stupid people. Aren’t they fun to play with?

Summer’s Fun!

Another day, more vitae.

So there we are, myself and my stalwart companion Ozar, hunting without our steadfast companion, Phillip Ian. However, Death was still around. Although he wasn’t around quite as much lately – I’ve been working on the whole vitae thing. Someone told me that if you have none, you stand a much better chance of learning new spells. I think they’re full of crap, but I’m willing to give it a try. So Death and I had to have a little talk.

You say, “Death, I need to talk to you for a minute.”
Death says, “No, I will not get you a bow.”
You say, “No, I’m serious. I…I…I think you and I have been spending too much time together.”
Death looks shocked.
Death says, “But…but…why?”
You say, “Well, it’s just that there are some new things I want to try, and I don’t think I can do them with you around.”
Death says, “Oh, so now I’m crowding you?”
You say, “Well, yeah. Cramping my style.”
Death says, “Cramping your…? Fine. No, no – that’s just fine. I didn’t like being around you that much anyway.”
You say, “Oh, now don’t be like that. Baby…”
Death says, “Don’t touch me. And I’m not your ‘baby,’ I’m Death. The Grim Reaper. Just a lonely, lonely person, trying to do a hard job…sniff.”
You groan.
You say, “Oh, now come on, don’t start the water works.”
Death blows his nose on his sleeve.
Death chokes out, “No, no, I’m fine. Let me be. If you need me, I’ll just be back in Uziz, waiting for you.”
You sigh.

Death is so fickle.

But today Oz and I are doing the hunting thing, with a plink plink there, and a plink plink here, there a fireball, here an arrow, everywhere vitae reduction….
And then we get a new visitor to our neck of the woods. Don’t see many of them. But in pops this fella, Cunning Linguist, hereafter referred to as Doofus, as a white dot at the lifestone.

Cunning Linguist says, “Fucking PKs.”
You say to your fellowship, “Oh, he’s a PK.”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “Definitely a Pker.”

We’re so smart.

You say to your fellowship, “Danger Will Rogers time?”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “Hmmm…well, he’s level 28. I can’t imagine he’d be interested in killing us more than once.”
Ozar says to your fellowship, “And since it was a PK death that brought him here, he probably is hell bent on getting back and getting his ‘revenge’.”

So off we go, doing our little hunt thing. Sure enough, Cunning does his little recall thing and pops off. But very soon afterwards, he’s back, red and just crosser than a wet cat in a laundry bag.

Right away he runs up and kills both of us. There’s a surprise. But afterwards, comes a bit of a shock:
Doofus says, “I’ll give you back your shit for a red taper.”

Eh? Did your eyes deceive you? Nay, gentle reader! I say this unto you: yeay, verily art there those who art such schmuckeths, that they believe this is a good negotiation method. I’m somewhat surprised though; this has got to be an all-time low of stupidity that I’ve encountered. I can just imagine Doofus’ love life:

“Hey, if you go out with me, I’ll take that six-inch spike out of your forehead.”
Ladies, get in line now!

But back to our story: Doofus has smote us both, and now says that he will give back our stuff if we give him a red taper. Hmmm…tensions are high, time for a bit of humor to defuse the situation:

You say, “Hey Doofus, I have a joke for you.”
Doofus says, “Okay.”
You say, “Knock knock.”
Doofus says, “Who’s there?”
You say, “Fuck.”
Doofus says, “Fuck who?”
You say, “FUCK YOU!!!!”
Kwip falls down on the floor laughing.
Ozar is in tears laughing.
You say, “Oh, man, I can’t believe you fell for that!”
Ozar says, “Now that was just a shame!”
Doofus says, “I knew that was coming! I did! Stop laughing at me!”

Hee hee hee. I crack myself up, I really do. But this seemed to make Doofus a bit more upset. So of course his only recourse was to kill us both again – and for those of you who missed it, we still haven’t given him a red taper. And here’s an even funnier note: I only cast level I’s. Yup, I cannot and have not learned any Lvl II’s yet. BUT – I have a red taper I picked up off of some creature. Would I give it to him? Hell, no. He would have to kill me until I had nothing left to drop. And then I’d log before he could kill me. Sure, that would be dishonorable. But more importantly, it would drive him insane! Heh heh heh – oh, the fun you can have in this world!!!

So now he has killed us a couple more times. Our hunting partner, Phillip Ian, shows up. And Doofus kills him. By now, Doofus is tired of waiting for us to turn red again, and has begun drawing monsters up to kill us while we’re still white. Nothing new there!

Death says, “HA!!! I KNEW you couldn’t be without me!”

It gets better – Doofus now gives us back our stuff. But he’s now threatening to give us max vitae if we don’t give him a red taper.

You say, “Ummm…sorry to burst your bubble, Pop’n’Fresh, but I was at max vitae the first time you killed me. Thanks for playing!”

But then something clicks in Doofus’ head – you can see the little trail of smoke coming out of his ears – and he gets an idea.

Doofus gives you 10 Greater Lightning Arrows.
You say, “Oh, wow, thanks!”
Doofus says, “Can I please have a red taper?”
You shock Doofus for 25pts of damage!

Heh heh. Of course he killed me afterwards, but that was such a classic moment.

Finally, Phillip, who was never on that good of a basis with Death in the first place, decides he’s had enough. He gives Doofus the tapers, Doofus gives him back our stuff, then leaves. But Phillip is not without friends in high places…a few moments after Doofus leaves, Phillip informs us that his monarch, Kile Thomsun, is chasing Doofus around Uziz.

Ozar and I are holding each other up, we’re laughing so hard at that. I mean, can’t you just picture it? Doofus pops into town, “Yeah, I showed them, got what I wanted, I’m the man.” Then he notices Kile leaning against a building, grinning evilly…

At this point, Blade Storm shows up. She’s quite a good trooper; very nice to talk to, never once killed me and asked for a taper. We manage to get our breath long enough to tell her what happened.

Blade Storm says, “Sorry I missed it. I wish I was here to help you guys.”
Death says, “Yeah, I wish you would’ve been here, too. Kwip’s bad enough, but now I’ve got to babysit THOSE two?”
Ozar elbows Death in the gut.

Ozar leaves, we make up some more jokes about Doofus, and then go about our business. A few minutes later, Doofus pops up! Apparently having suffered a decent beating at the hands of Kile, he fled back to his lifestone…but it was not a decent ENOUGH of a beating…

He runs at Blade. Blade stiff arms him. One shot. He’s dead.

You say, “Heh heh heh – loot his body and drop a couple of red tapers on it for me!”

At this point, we all collapse in a pile of laughter. Ah, summer fun! I proposed to Blade on the spot, but amazingly enough, not only can she drop idiots with one blow, but she actually has a permanent enchantment of Hunk-a-Hunk-a-Burning-Love-Kwip Resistance VI on her; because she doesn’t accept. Quite alright, of course – it just wouldn’t work out. Death is such a jealous bastard.

So all-in-all, the day wasn’t a _complete_ loss. I actually got my next level whilst examining my companions (it turns out that trying to snatch a glimpse of Ozar’s sexy legs under her armor is worth boo-koo experience), I gained a new found respect and love for Kile and Blade; I think they should get married and adopt me. We all had several good laughs at Doofus’ expense. And Death got a little vacation.

Death says, “Ha! If you can call 5 minutes a vacation!”

You sigh.

How To Have Fun On One Pyreal A Day…

Another day, another fortune in vitae, another conversation with my chum, Death.

Death tells you, “For Bob’s sake…would you just take like five minutes off from your dying? Please? Look at all the pretty flowers or something. Anything. Just don’t die!”
You tell Death, “Quit your bellyaching. Go get me one of those bows, bitch!”
Death sighs.
You say, “Oh, look, a Gigas Lugian! Watch this!”
Death tells you, “NOOOOOO!!!!”
Gigas Lugian smites you so hard Death goes a little pale.
Death sighs.
You say, “Damn, almost had him.”
Death tells you, “What?”
Death tells you, “Let me just get this straight: you drop your bow, equip a stick, spend a minute trying to cast a spell with same stick until you realize it’s not your wand. Then you panic, run around in circles, pick your bow back up, try to hide behind a SHRUB from the BOULDERS flying in your direction, snap your bowstring, eat a boulder, and you ‘almost had him’? Are you totally deranged?”
You tell Death, “Yeah, good point – this bow sucks. When are you gonna get me that new one?”
Death sighs.

And so it goes – I run around, Death comes to collect me, anyone near me, anyone who’s ever traded with me, given me something, /tell’d me, never heard of me, etc, etc. I was responsible for a lot of death that day. Whoops. Not my fault I’m not a satisfying enough kill for them buggers that they’ve got to go and bother the suits.

At one point, there are now two Gigas and a Lithos inside our little clubhouse. They’ve pulled up the ladder and won’t let us in till we sing the secret song.

“Oh, Lugians are the best,
they just can’t be beat.
They trod the heroes of Dereth
Beneath their giant feet.
They like fighting with a rock
Or sometimes a long stick
And if you don’t like it
You can get hit with a rock.”

And on and on. Hey, they’re Luggies – not really renowned for their song-writing, okay? What kind of artistry can you expect from a race who’s favorite past time is standing around baskets comparing their rocks? Anyway, eventually they let down the ladder. I climb up and engage them in a little friendly banter on the many merits of sandstone versus a good granite hill. Suddenly, I accidently commit a massive social blunder – I call one of the gigas “big guy.”

Gigas Lugian says, “Big? Big how?”
You say, “Well, you know – big.”
Gigas Lugian says, “No, I don’t know. Big like what – am I big like a house?”
You say, “No, you’re just, well, big.”
Gigas Lugian says, “Do I overshadow you? Am I here to provide shade for you?”
You say, “Well, no, you’re just, you know, large.”
Gigas Lugian says, “I got your big right here, you little bastard!”

After that, it was a mad scramble to the door. Boulders flying, axes cleaving through the air, me shrieking like a woman, the floor trembling under the impact of heavy footsteps, and yikes and away.

They gave a good chase; I’ll give them that. Even going so far as to follow me as I leapt off the cliff…heh. Suckers.

On the way down, we had an interesting conversation:

Gigas Lugian says, “Ha! No where to run now, little man. We reach bottom, you go splat. Can you say ‘no damage from falling’? Ha!”
You say, “Oh, got me there guys. Can you say ‘Death items’ and ‘Leave the dipshit Luggies at the bottom of the whole were everyone can shoot down at them’?
Gigas Lugian says, “Ummm…”

That’s it. A few violent impacts, back to the lifestone, then back to the top of the cliff with friends and lots of arrows. It was fun. Granted, the Luggies didn’t think so, but they don’t have any voting rights, so what do we care?

An interesting distraction came by way of A Gigas Lugian. No, not a Lugian, mind you – instead some person who’s parents obviously hated him a great deal at birth. Can’t say I blame them. Five seconds after meeting him, I hated him too.

In the midst of all of the Luggies and chaos, Gigas (whom I shall henceforth refer to as Doofus) attacks me. Examining him, I see he’s level 1. Obviously the alter-ego of someone more powerful, or he never could have made it out here.
Death says, “Yeah, but you made it out there, and you suck.”
You say, “Shut your stinking trap, you!”
Now then. The same old story that has been played out a billion times on every board unfolds: he apologizes, then attacks me again, I kill him, I kill him again, I kill him some more, he threatens me, tells everyone I’m a PKer, I kill him some more (Yes, he sucked that badly that I was killing him). I spiced it up a bit by taunting him.

You say, “Gigas, I O\/\/|\| U!”
You say, “Gigas, who’s your daddy.”
You say, “Gigas! Go fix me a chicken pot pie!”

He does his best to retaliate, of course, but it was really unfair. Him, the simpering gimp boy, me, the brilliant and witty Kwip.
Finally, he’s had enough and logs. About five seconds later, I get a /tell from someone else:
{someone else} says, “Hey man, just goofing. It was me. And you don’t want to mess with me.”
A few important notes here: 1) I can’t for the life of me remember this guys name. Karn of Charval? Something like that. If it’s not him, I apologize for the name smear. 2) Why on earth wouldn’t I want to mess with you? What, you’ll kill me?!
Death chuckles.
Death says, “Oh, now THAT would be something new!”
And finally – how pathetic is your life that you have nothing better to do than to annoy me? What, were you so destitute for attention that you had to be the biggest ass you could in the hopes you’d get to star in one of my oh-so-famous rants? What, THAT is the most famous you could hope to get? Well, never one to disappoint, congrats, sphincter-baby! You got the lead role!

This wilderness is no fun. I miss being raided. I miss the Little Rascals sneaking into town late at night to sell their baked goods door to door. And sometimes starting a lemon fight under the ol’ lemon tree! Oh, you little devils you!

So the road calls. I understand Uziz has actually been overrun several times since I left because I wasn’t there to defend it! I must return to defend my beloved little lemonade stand!

Death says, “Oh, god, you’re so full of shit.”