And So It Begins…

So there I am, hunting in one of my favorite spots overlooking Uziz, and I see a red dot approaching. A little quicker on the uptake than usual, I ID it.

Lost One.

Sigh.

I immediately take off, because I know the steps in this dance. I have time to mutter, “Not again…” Then I realize…wait a sec, I’m gonna die anyways. So I turn to face him, to fire off at least one dying shot. I notice I’m doing a weird little bounce-dance caused by that evil enchantress, the Laq Queen. But I plow forward to give my dying effort towards at least wounding Lost One.

“Your shot has misfired!”
“Kwip slashes you for 12 points of damage!”

Sigh…not only was I about to die at Lost One’s hands (again), but I was in such a panic, I had to shoot myself in the foot, too….yes, I died. Yes, Lost One and Co. raided Uziz, killing people and (I think?) then getting killed themselves.

Fast forward…

Last nite, doing my favorite thing. But then I put down the Ben & Jerry’s and turn my attention back to the game to notice that everyone in town is talking about Lost One. It seems he’s headed our way. And since he rarely travels alone…

Buff buff buff! we all say! Gotta give the evil PKs a beatdown today!

“Hey, Kwip, what’s going on?”
“Don’t know – someone said something about Lost One coming to town.”
“Oh, I better clear out then – no way I can handle those guys. Hey, you looking for a patron?”

Honestly, do you people just gather together to drive me insane? Is this some insidious plot to deprive me of the remaining quivering sanity cells lurking in my head? Pop quiz, asshole – if I’m a lowly lvl 9 archer, hell bent on defending the town simply because…well, because I like shopping there without having to be more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs…anyway, if I’m standing there in all my lvl 9 glory, well aware that I’m about to die, but standing determined nonetheless in the hopes that MAYBE I’ll actually land a hit for a massive 15 points that will help put down a bad guy – do you think I’m going to drop to one knee before you prior to your running chicken shit out of town simply because you’ve got phat lewt for me?

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

must…kill…everyone…..

A few swigs of my Anti-Psychotic potion (TM), and I’m back to defending the town.

Sure enough, we rally to the point where we’re positive the bad guys are going to pop up, weapons at the ready.

And of course, while we’re standing there, the bad guys pop up in town and cleave a path through everyone…

Back to town we go (actually, back to town I go – everyone else wants to come in ‘as a group’ – ‘it’ll look better that way’ they say…sigh) so I get to arrive as the vanguard of the force. Right away I pick out Lost One. Mostly ’cause he’s wearing a necklace made up of my ears. Everyone else gives chase to EB, but I head up the hill after Lost One with another archer. Lost One notices us. He immediately kills the other archer, but as a sign of contempt, ignores me as I pluck away at him. In fact, as I sit there plinking at him like Thelonius Monk on a keyboard, he lays down, takes a nap, makes a cup of coffee, reads the morning paper, does the crossword puzzle (in pen, I might add), relieves himself in my general direction, and then runs off, leaving me in the dust.

Sigh. Some days it’s not easy being a great and powerful archer.

Well, finally, there were some more small skirmishes in town. The night ended for me when Lost One came charging into town, obviously a victim of the Lag Queen. How did I know? Well, call me kooky, but I’ve taken it as a good sign of evil enchantment if you see someone running full-tilt in a corner. Especially when they’re getting attacked.

So of course, Lost One died. But it was a hollow victory – after all the bloodshed he had caused, it would’ve been so much more enjoyable had he gone down swinging. Actually, it would have been more enjoyable had he gone down full of so many of my arrows he looked like a porcupine and sobbing weakly, “Oh, Kwip, you are the greatest warrior ever, I am not worthy to lick your shoes…here, take this 112% bow and Matty robe off my carcass that I am not worthy to wield…”

Ah, sweet dreams…

On a completely unrelated note, it was really a kooky nite last nite (Little Rascal antics aside) – in the begginning of the nite, for no reason at all, a skeleton came charging into town. He wasn’t following anyone, and didn’t seem to have any real purpose there. He tried to go into the seamstresses’ tent (don’t blame him – I certainly wouldn’t want to be running around with all my bones hanging out). Of course, he was quickly killed by the anti-boners in town…(much pun intended). Later on, a skeleton warrior came running through town, also. Again, not following anyone or being attacked. I think the monsters have taken to ‘streaking’ our towns. Maybe it’s part of an initiation ritual or something…

But regardless, there we are, talking about how much we hope Lost One and EB come to town, and in comes this skeleton warrior. He stops briefly, seems to examine everyone, then turns to me.

“Hey, you looking for a patron?”

Sigh…